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What mark would you give this English Language Question 5 essay?

Without mercy, the vicious blasts of winds flexed their muscles in the jet-black sky, whipping the clouds into shape, marching them across the horizon. Ominously, the clouds heaved across the gloom engulfing the hopeful shimmer of the sanguine moon. The black rain pelted us with its razor sharp bullets, stamping on the ferocious waves down below that reared up their heads and roared like lions. Our boat, a rag doll being ripped to shreds in a dog's mouth as the imposing waves crashed down onto us as Poseidon beat his blue fists against us.
The shark was ravenous.
Crash! Suddenly, a mountainous, gargantuan wave smashed into our helpless boat, relentlessly hurling its fragile structure into the beckoning depths of the ocean. I plunged in. Cold. Alone.
Isolated. The instinct to float has been washed aside like the petite boat; my now long distant home. Never before, have I longed for the homely, brown soils of home like now as I my legs thrashed the icy water matching the uncontrollable rate of my heart. The distant cries of my drowning cremates cried out in sheer terror, their screams suppressed by omnipotent nature.
In the deep depths, the shark silently sliced through the water, yet my dread blinded my senses as I was chucked around in the vast ocean. The shark sensed hunger. Suddenly, the graceful sweeps of its tail accelerated, torpedoing its gargantuan body through the body fixed on its bewildered, innocent prey. Its dorsal fin broke the water, leaving a trail of white foam behind, its rear tail now thrashing at the water. Still I saw nothing.
With two quick, powerful propels of the monster's tail, it was circling me.
At first, I thought I had been hit by a floating part of our now decimated boat. I felt no initial pain, just a violent tug on my right leg. I reached around in the water to check on my leg, searching around in the murky, shadows of the sea. Where was it? My hand found the end of the bone and the shredded muscle hanging from my leg; a rush of nausea and biliousness rushing over me. I knew too well - the warmth was my blood. The pain kicked instantly, i snapped my head back a screamed a gutteral cry of terror, "ahhh".
I squirmed in agony in the water for an eternity, losing pints and pints and pints of blood. Was the monster gone? Time seemed suspended. My senses were revived and the pain weakened to a dull annoyance, even the sound of a foamy bubble popping ignited a response. Then, the shark snapped back round - my body a beacon as clear as a lighthouse on a cloudless night. It hurtled from beneath me, jaws agape and locked its knives round my leg hauling me under. I tried to fight (already 50 meters under) rapidly, the hope and safety of the waves now too far.
A pattern of oil and blood created artwork on the sea surface as the last few bubbles arose to the surface.

Reply 1

asbestos99

id say probably top-end of mark scheme, nice answer, u definitely put a lot of effort in.

only thing id criticise about it is that a few of your techniques and vocabulary seem forced and unnatural, and in areas its quite difficult to read due to its density, especially in the first bit.

i totally understand why youve done this though, youre constantly told at school that u have to shoehorn in fancy techniques and structures even though it can mess with the flow of what youre trying to say and can come off as overdone. ive definitely done what youve done here several times lol. the fact that u can use such ambitious vocabulary and such a wide range of techniques clearly shows that u know what ur doing and ur a top student. dont get me wrong, some of the methods youve used work really well, particularly the short sentences and triplets. just maybe try dialling it back just a tad - not every sentence has to be a fancy metaphor, u can still totally access top marks without overdoing it, and it often reads more nicely this way too!!

also the "guttural cry of terror - "ahhh."" made me smile lol, i once got told that as a general rule don't bother with putting screams in speech marks, ur description of the scream is a lot more effective without the the actual noise itself

keep at it, u did a fantastic job :smile: