Loneliness at University
I'm eighteen. Male. I struggle with Social anxiety. I started university almost three weeks ago. I'm in a strange place, full of strangers, with very few shoulders to lean on. Maybe you're in a similar place. I've contended with chronic loneliness ever since year 5, most of which I spent friendless. Moving around a lot during secondary school led me into an isolation I was already steeped in, and, in many ways, a slave to. I feel isolated now, and so uncomfortable with myself that I can hardly stand it. In some respects I feel hopeless, emotionally. Mentally, I know that, well, I don't know, but I hope I'll meet someone. Just one person. Maybe you also hope to meet just one person. I'm somebody who's never had many friends, though I've always wanted more. I suppose my reason for posting here is to make a statement and pose a two questions: Are you like me? If so, how are you coping? Do you feel as ashamed and powerless as me? Do you plan on doing anything about it? I suppose this is me doing something about mine, my loneliness. Aiming to see if anyone out there in the outside world can relate and will make that known, at least to me. Another question: if you've been through something like what I'm describing above, what happened? What was life like? What's it like now? How'd you get out of it? I'd be very interested and grateful to hear other people's stories on this. I'm not in the best place right now and could use some Solidarity, even on the other side of a screen. Thanks and best of luck to you, whoever you are.
I really hope you find your soul mate. University is tough for some and you may need to be brave in the first instance and join some clubs or societies, talk to a counsellor at the Uni or sign up to do some volunteering. My very best friend at University didnt step out of her room for the first 6 weeks as was so overwhelmed... probably feeling much like you, but once we met, we were inseperable thereafter. There are kind people out there who won't want you to feel lonely.
Thank you for the response, it means a lot to me 
OP I relate to you so much you don’t even understand. I struggle to form any sort of meaningful bond with people. I am in my first year at university as well and despite being surrounded by so many people I am so unbelievably lonely. They all seem to have become friends for life in less than a month and I have made acquaintances at best.
I can’t really give you any advice. I tried so hard when coming to uni to not be the isolated loner I always have been but it only mildly improved my situation (read: people will say hi to me in passing).
I’m sure you were also given the advice to join societies but it’s so overwhelming going alone that I could never actually walk inside the room and would instead turn around and go back to my accom and now it seems too late. So I think I’ve missed all my chances to make friends once again…
Anyway just know you’re not alone going through this and some other random 19yo guy is going through the exact same thing : )
I can’t really give you any advice. I tried so hard when coming to uni to not be the isolated loner I always have been but it only mildly improved my situation (read: people will say hi to me in passing).
I’m sure you were also given the advice to join societies but it’s so overwhelming going alone that I could never actually walk inside the room and would instead turn around and go back to my accom and now it seems too late. So I think I’ve missed all my chances to make friends once again…
Anyway just know you’re not alone going through this and some other random 19yo guy is going through the exact same thing : )
My first instinct is to say "excellent", not because I'm glad about your suffering but that I'm glad about our mutual understanding. I think for me, with my loneliness, my biggest fear coming to university would be to discover that it is really truly chronic. This is not just "a" social environment it's "the" social environment, right? If you can't make friends here, then what hope do you have? All I've ever deeply desired is one person that I trust enough to openly call my friend without the word being weighed down by doubt. I think, building off of that, like I mentioned in my first post, I've struggled with loneliness, this inherent, undying feeling of being alone in "the crowd" of life, since year 5 (when my only friend at the time moved away), I've sort of caught these unshakable feelings of worthlessness, powerlessness, and estrangement when dealing with others. I use the word "deal" purposefully, because I think that I deal with all the people I know by changing parts of my personality to mirror theirs. It's exhausting sometimes. Feels like the "passing hi's" that you mentioned are the backbone of my "closest" Relationships. I believe in our instance (you, I, and whoever else may be reading this) that our best hope for survival is relating to one another, so thank you so much for sharing your feelings. Know that I see you. I may not know who you are or where you are, but I see you through the crowd.
Original post by Lucas.Cow
OP I relate to you so much you don’t even understand. I struggle to form any sort of meaningful bond with people. I am in my first year at university as well and despite being surrounded by so many people I am so unbelievably lonely. They all seem to have become friends for life in less than a month and I have made acquaintances at best.
I can’t really give you any advice. I tried so hard when coming to uni to not be the isolated loner I always have been but it only mildly improved my situation (read: people will say hi to me in passing).
I’m sure you were also given the advice to join societies but it’s so overwhelming going alone that I could never actually walk inside the room and would instead turn around and go back to my accom and now it seems too late. So I think I’ve missed all my chances to make friends once again…
Anyway just know you’re not alone going through this and some other random 19yo guy is going through the exact same thing : )
I can’t really give you any advice. I tried so hard when coming to uni to not be the isolated loner I always have been but it only mildly improved my situation (read: people will say hi to me in passing).
I’m sure you were also given the advice to join societies but it’s so overwhelming going alone that I could never actually walk inside the room and would instead turn around and go back to my accom and now it seems too late. So I think I’ve missed all my chances to make friends once again…
Anyway just know you’re not alone going through this and some other random 19yo guy is going through the exact same thing : )
Social skills:
Be open, relaxed, approachable, friendly, lighten up
0) You can try nlp exercises, meditation, breathing techniques, visualisation. You can read books on this subject and there is a wealth of resources on the internet, youtube regarding this subject.
1) Relax, imagine you're just observing or there as a traveller. For example, if you are on holiday, you go there to experience and observe the attraction, you're not going to get anxious doing that are you?
2) Smile, smiling in contagious.
3) Be confident, respect yourself, accept yourself, work out, wear good clothes, feel good, focus on your passions, know you are a good person who treats people well, you have got as much right as everyone else.
Think positively, be proud of yourself, do things that make you happy, remember your happy times, what makes you confident? What makes you proud? Do you have a skill you are good at? Do things like cooking, driving, learning that increases your confidence daily. Relax.
Have good posture, body language, improve your appearance. Be happy with yourself.
4) Dress well, have good grooming, hairstyle, have good posture.
5) Just say hi or hey to people in your vicinity, who cares if they don't say anything back?
6) Ask how they are, how's everything, how's it going, what's the latest, what made them choose this course, their plans for the future, their plans for the rest of the day, weekend, how was their weekend, their day, what they will get up to, what they got up to, ask them about their hobbies, talk about what's happening. You could read up on current affairs.
Talk about the weather or did you see that sports game? Just mingle with them,
Compliment them, say "I like your jacket".
If you know they went on a holiday or somewhere, ask them about it etc.
7) Be passionate about life.
8) In group discussions, relax and talk to someone close or if someone says something you know, you can talk then. Stay relaxed.
9) Lighten up, have a laugh, laugh easily, be friendly, approachable, interested, relaxed.
10) You can write things down and come up with a rational reframed response, keep a journal of your thoughts, reach out to people slowly
Be open, relaxed, approachable, friendly, lighten up
0) You can try nlp exercises, meditation, breathing techniques, visualisation. You can read books on this subject and there is a wealth of resources on the internet, youtube regarding this subject.
1) Relax, imagine you're just observing or there as a traveller. For example, if you are on holiday, you go there to experience and observe the attraction, you're not going to get anxious doing that are you?
2) Smile, smiling in contagious.
3) Be confident, respect yourself, accept yourself, work out, wear good clothes, feel good, focus on your passions, know you are a good person who treats people well, you have got as much right as everyone else.
Think positively, be proud of yourself, do things that make you happy, remember your happy times, what makes you confident? What makes you proud? Do you have a skill you are good at? Do things like cooking, driving, learning that increases your confidence daily. Relax.
Have good posture, body language, improve your appearance. Be happy with yourself.
4) Dress well, have good grooming, hairstyle, have good posture.
5) Just say hi or hey to people in your vicinity, who cares if they don't say anything back?
6) Ask how they are, how's everything, how's it going, what's the latest, what made them choose this course, their plans for the future, their plans for the rest of the day, weekend, how was their weekend, their day, what they will get up to, what they got up to, ask them about their hobbies, talk about what's happening. You could read up on current affairs.
Talk about the weather or did you see that sports game? Just mingle with them,
Compliment them, say "I like your jacket".
If you know they went on a holiday or somewhere, ask them about it etc.
7) Be passionate about life.
8) In group discussions, relax and talk to someone close or if someone says something you know, you can talk then. Stay relaxed.
9) Lighten up, have a laugh, laugh easily, be friendly, approachable, interested, relaxed.
10) You can write things down and come up with a rational reframed response, keep a journal of your thoughts, reach out to people slowly
(edited 5 months ago)
