I’ve not been diagnosed with social anxiety/AvPD but I suspect without a doubt that I do have so and it has made life real hard for me. I feel like I have other things but I think at this point I’m just obsessing over trying to find something that could answer why I live like this. Even a minute with one person is enough to make me feel panicky and super exhausted. This has really impacted me, not only in things like finding work but also in other major things like trying to keep relationships and actually being to talk to someone about my ‘suspicions’ (everyone thinks I’m just shy but deep down I know it’s something more). A lot of times, it has also, of course, affected my mental health. I have moments where I realise I have this ‘shyness’, and I’m reminded that it’s the reason I’ve never been able to keep a relationship, it’s the reason I can’t make friends, it’s the reason I cannot get help because I don’t have the confidence to actually tell someone that I think I have this. Whenever I have these moments, it just makes me feel super down. Generally, I pretty much just hate myself because I don’t have the slightest idea how it has come to this. I used to be really expressive and chatty. I had friends, I was invited to outings, I would sometimes invite them. But then suddenly, out of the blue, I became very quiet and pretty much lost my only remaining friends, I couldn’t make anymore friends they’d usually be forced friendships that would barely last a week, I couldn’t talk to anyone about my feelings including my own family. I just have no idea what caused this to happen so I feel like it’s a me-problem and I blame myself for everything that has happened and is to come because of the stupidly awkward positions I put myself or others in because of this anxiety and excessive need to put a good image of myself.
I don’t know what came over me.