really just want uni to start again...

I won't try to bore anyone with this,, basically I suffer from really bad PMS. I'd argue it's PMDD but the doctor didn't want to even talk about that and dismissed it even though I said that it makes me want to end myself for two weeks straight and just wanted to put me on meds. I feel like I'm suffocating at home. I won't give full details, but I get really paranoid that I'm not loved, or I'm not needed, or that I'm not good enough. something happened at school when I was stupidly young that has basically had some of that mindset basically ingrained in me. from friendships to my grades and to my presence in general, I just feel like an absolute waste of space goodfornothing, and being an only child I just feel like my parents put me in the spotlight of everything. I just want to go back to uni. it's my second year and I'm abroad next year, so I can't wait for the second semester. I'm on track for a first so far and I'm doing lots of extra stuff that keeps me busy. I'm currently trying to write two essays although I'm holding back this week bc I'm just doubting everything and deleted one of them bc I thought it was worthless and stupid but got it back after a small cry (as always haha). my anxiety just dissipates at uni. it's sometimes there, but most of the time I'm okay. but right now it feels like I'm hanging on for dear life. I just want to cry, and kick myself for being here and I just want to get out of the house but I literally can't bc I live in the middle of nowhere and can't drive. so I am literally stuck in this house. it's not a hugely toxic household but my paranoia doesn't help my reliability there (sorry). I dont 'think my parents love me or are proud of me (nor do I believe them when they say that, if they ever say it), they never ask how I am, and during family gatherings like christmas I'm just spoken over. at uni I'm happy to interrupt and say I'm not finished, but at home I just shut up and dont' want to do anything ..

does anyone know any ways to just deal with the holidays until you go back? I'm hoping to get out of here as close to jan 1st as I can..or when the trains are all running idk. I journal, but that mostly ends up with a page-long crying rant

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Well the treatment for PMDD is antidepressants so I don't see how your doctor suggesting that is them dismissing you... Sounds like you probably do need some counselling/therapy to deal with the other issues though.

In terms of what to do before you go back to uni, just try and keep yourself occupied. Meet up with friends if they are around, find a good book to read, go for walks or run... Just keep doing stuff to keep yourself distracted. Maybe get a bus/train to a nearby town to go to the library or a coffee shop to work on your essays?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

hi, thank you for replying. I was hoping to go back to uni just after new years, but I started getting cramps so I've had to wait another week. unfortunately public transport is quite scarce in my area, but I'm trying to work around it as best I can. I work well in coffee shops for some reason, libraries not so much as I know the people who work there haha. I love working in the uni libraries though, so I'm definitely looking forward to that once I'm back. I think I'm definitely going to have to think more carefully about the counselling, especially given that it hasn't worked for me around four times now - I really don't know what's up with that. either way thank you for responding, I really appreciate it 🙂

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous #1

Sorry to hear about the cramps. I also work better in coffee shops than libraries so totally get you there.

Perhaps you need a form of therapy rather than counselling if it hasn't worked in the past? Might be worth checking out of therapy is something you can get through uni or if you can self-refer for therapy via the HNS where you live (you should be able to in England).

Best of luck with everything 🙂