I seemed to have stopped caring
finally just getting something off my chest. I have given up and I don’t seem to be bothered abôut my ruinous path. I’m 22, male and in my final year of engineering at uni. Since 16 I have just felt like a zombie, a constant battle in my head between myself and I don’t know how to describe it other than a different version of me.
Thing is this isn’t a matter of isolation socially and romantically I guess people would say I’ve done well but there’s this void that I cannot fill. When I’m with others, other me just sends me into a self conscious wreck swallowing his panic attacks. I laugh and smile but feel so isolated I am holding back tears most conversations these days. Wasn’t always that good though a level portion of childhood was being labelled as the weird fat one who spent summer holidays high as a kite after surgeries only until I hit around 18/19 I started to gain more relations with others mostly because of uni.
I can’t focus I sit in lectures and just hide my face at the back as I spiral into a horrible train of thoughts it’s like this other me has one mission: to take me down and beat me when I’m down. I switch hobbies week by week and fair’s because I have 0 passion 0 interest in anything these days.
Recently I’ve been wreckless I’ve gotten tattoos considered “job stoppers” my vices have consumed me and I feel like I’ve dug my own grave. I graduate in a couple months but I have no plan for after, and my complete loss of focus has effected my grades tremendously I use to get 70-80% consistently and now lucky to pass because it’s either late or just a heap I’ve chucked together. Therapy never lasted I failed to cooperate most of the time as all I could conjore up was brief unhelpful answers. Although a good observation made was that each time anyone compliments me or points of a positive I do I always had an answer at the ready to downplay it, very true hearing anything of the sort just annoys me at this point my very existence just seems to rile me up.
Thing is this isn’t a matter of isolation socially and romantically I guess people would say I’ve done well but there’s this void that I cannot fill. When I’m with others, other me just sends me into a self conscious wreck swallowing his panic attacks. I laugh and smile but feel so isolated I am holding back tears most conversations these days. Wasn’t always that good though a level portion of childhood was being labelled as the weird fat one who spent summer holidays high as a kite after surgeries only until I hit around 18/19 I started to gain more relations with others mostly because of uni.
I can’t focus I sit in lectures and just hide my face at the back as I spiral into a horrible train of thoughts it’s like this other me has one mission: to take me down and beat me when I’m down. I switch hobbies week by week and fair’s because I have 0 passion 0 interest in anything these days.
Recently I’ve been wreckless I’ve gotten tattoos considered “job stoppers” my vices have consumed me and I feel like I’ve dug my own grave. I graduate in a couple months but I have no plan for after, and my complete loss of focus has effected my grades tremendously I use to get 70-80% consistently and now lucky to pass because it’s either late or just a heap I’ve chucked together. Therapy never lasted I failed to cooperate most of the time as all I could conjore up was brief unhelpful answers. Although a good observation made was that each time anyone compliments me or points of a positive I do I always had an answer at the ready to downplay it, very true hearing anything of the sort just annoys me at this point my very existence just seems to rile me up.
Original post by Anonymous #1
finally just getting something off my chest. I have given up and I don’t seem to be bothered abôut my ruinous path. I’m 22, male and in my final year of engineering at uni. Since 16 I have just felt like a zombie, a constant battle in my head between myself and I don’t know how to describe it other than a different version of me.
Thing is this isn’t a matter of isolation socially and romantically I guess people would say I’ve done well but there’s this void that I cannot fill. When I’m with others, other me just sends me into a self conscious wreck swallowing his panic attacks. I laugh and smile but feel so isolated I am holding back tears most conversations these days. Wasn’t always that good though a level portion of childhood was being labelled as the weird fat one who spent summer holidays high as a kite after surgeries only until I hit around 18/19 I started to gain more relations with others mostly because of uni.
I can’t focus I sit in lectures and just hide my face at the back as I spiral into a horrible train of thoughts it’s like this other me has one mission: to take me down and beat me when I’m down. I switch hobbies week by week and fair’s because I have 0 passion 0 interest in anything these days.
Recently I’ve been wreckless I’ve gotten tattoos considered “job stoppers” my vices have consumed me and I feel like I’ve dug my own grave. I graduate in a couple months but I have no plan for after, and my complete loss of focus has effected my grades tremendously I use to get 70-80% consistently and now lucky to pass because it’s either late or just a heap I’ve chucked together. Therapy never lasted I failed to cooperate most of the time as all I could conjore up was brief unhelpful answers. Although a good observation made was that each time anyone compliments me or points of a positive I do I always had an answer at the ready to downplay it, very true hearing anything of the sort just annoys me at this point my very existence just seems to rile me up.
Thing is this isn’t a matter of isolation socially and romantically I guess people would say I’ve done well but there’s this void that I cannot fill. When I’m with others, other me just sends me into a self conscious wreck swallowing his panic attacks. I laugh and smile but feel so isolated I am holding back tears most conversations these days. Wasn’t always that good though a level portion of childhood was being labelled as the weird fat one who spent summer holidays high as a kite after surgeries only until I hit around 18/19 I started to gain more relations with others mostly because of uni.
I can’t focus I sit in lectures and just hide my face at the back as I spiral into a horrible train of thoughts it’s like this other me has one mission: to take me down and beat me when I’m down. I switch hobbies week by week and fair’s because I have 0 passion 0 interest in anything these days.
Recently I’ve been wreckless I’ve gotten tattoos considered “job stoppers” my vices have consumed me and I feel like I’ve dug my own grave. I graduate in a couple months but I have no plan for after, and my complete loss of focus has effected my grades tremendously I use to get 70-80% consistently and now lucky to pass because it’s either late or just a heap I’ve chucked together. Therapy never lasted I failed to cooperate most of the time as all I could conjore up was brief unhelpful answers. Although a good observation made was that each time anyone compliments me or points of a positive I do I always had an answer at the ready to downplay it, very true hearing anything of the sort just annoys me at this point my very existence just seems to rile me up.
I can relate...not sure what lies ahead but I'm numb to the feeling
Fight through it.
1) This feeling will pass when you get out of college. College is an intellectual concentration camp. But they can't pollute mathmatics. You will graduate with a valauble engineering degree. You will be earning cash. You will start feeling better. After some years. College affected me in a negative way before I realized it affected me. I got out. In your case you need to stay in because your degree is valuable.
2) Visit your local UFC or MMA gym. Commit to addending 3 classes. Try your best. Make sure the gym has a boxing ring, octagon cage and equipment. Make sure there are enough good students to balance out the skill level of your classes. You don't want 1 good instructor mixed with 20 newbies. You want a good mix.
3) Pay a Laser Doctor to remove your tattoos. If you don't, people who are like me, who hate tattoos with the burning passion of a thousands suns .. will judge and discriminate against you in every way when given a choice, a chance, and the freedom to do it.
1) This feeling will pass when you get out of college. College is an intellectual concentration camp. But they can't pollute mathmatics. You will graduate with a valauble engineering degree. You will be earning cash. You will start feeling better. After some years. College affected me in a negative way before I realized it affected me. I got out. In your case you need to stay in because your degree is valuable.
2) Visit your local UFC or MMA gym. Commit to addending 3 classes. Try your best. Make sure the gym has a boxing ring, octagon cage and equipment. Make sure there are enough good students to balance out the skill level of your classes. You don't want 1 good instructor mixed with 20 newbies. You want a good mix.
3) Pay a Laser Doctor to remove your tattoos. If you don't, people who are like me, who hate tattoos with the burning passion of a thousands suns .. will judge and discriminate against you in every way when given a choice, a chance, and the freedom to do it.
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