do i have to pick between the things i love?
hey everyone.
lately, i'm feeling more and more like i'm having to pick between two versions of me.
one half wants to be a physicist, burning with ambition. i want to work myself into the ground and be the best in everything i do, climb to the top of my field and never step down. my parents support this goal. i have thus far steered my life towards it. it genuinely fascinates me, and i love it. I would even go so far to say that i'm naturally inclined to it- i feel like i understand physics intuitively, not just from a textbook. but overwhelmingly i feel like i missed all the good stuff. all the science that fascinates me, all the people that blow my mind with their genius feel just out of reach, i feel like all the 'cool physics' happened in the 20th century. i'm just barely too late to join their ranks. and if i can't be as good as the greats or better, what's the point? i can consume all the knowledge i desire, it's easy to the point where i don't feel the same panic as i do when thinking about what the other half of me wants to achieve. but i will never be great. i won't leave anything substantial behind.
the other half of me is just an absolute mess of stories. i might be talented at physics, but i'm tenfold that when it comes to storytelling. i have so many stories to tell and i want to tell them in all the ways a story can be told. its like a fever. its definitely driving me crazy. there are so many imaginary universes that i live in all the time that with each passing day it gets harder to drag myself out of my daydreams. i write reams and reams of stupid drabbles everyday and get nowhere, but i know that i will keep going until i've exhausted every drop of creative thought in my brain. i don't just want to write books, though: i want to make movies, spectacles that will never be forgotten, the next dune, the next interstellar, a masterpiece, something for the ages. i suppose unachievable goals and ambition is something both halves share.
I am dying to act, onstage or onscreen, live as the story i am dying to tell. i know that i *am* what i write and that i need to portray them too, not just put them to paper. in short i want to get whats in my head out of my head, in all the ways available to me.
but my parents wouldn't support that goal, it's not academic enough. and even i know that that goal is a lot less stable jobwise, financially; it could all go wrong and i might never 'make it'. and yet, that goal is what i know i NEED. i have to do it or i'll just go insane, i'll burn up. but i can't have it. because for some reason you can't do both in this world. if i go for what the first half wants, all hope of the second is lost. if i pursue the second half's dreams, then i can't suddenly backtrack and do the first's.
i have always been a writer. equally i have always been a physicist. but i'm not scientific AND creative. there is no difference, to me at least. they both feed each other and trap me in the middle. if i'm making no sense it's because this is really, truly maddening. i don't think i can ever reconcile the two, but life requires me to. a little piece of me will have to be cast off like a spare part just to make it work. when will we stop having to put ourselves in smaller and smaller boxes as our lives go on? why are we so pressured to narrow down our scopes to something definite and specialised so soon? why cant people just do the things they love, regardless of whether or not they're in the same field of work?
if anyone has some advice, i'd really appreciate it. sorry for the rant.
lately, i'm feeling more and more like i'm having to pick between two versions of me.
one half wants to be a physicist, burning with ambition. i want to work myself into the ground and be the best in everything i do, climb to the top of my field and never step down. my parents support this goal. i have thus far steered my life towards it. it genuinely fascinates me, and i love it. I would even go so far to say that i'm naturally inclined to it- i feel like i understand physics intuitively, not just from a textbook. but overwhelmingly i feel like i missed all the good stuff. all the science that fascinates me, all the people that blow my mind with their genius feel just out of reach, i feel like all the 'cool physics' happened in the 20th century. i'm just barely too late to join their ranks. and if i can't be as good as the greats or better, what's the point? i can consume all the knowledge i desire, it's easy to the point where i don't feel the same panic as i do when thinking about what the other half of me wants to achieve. but i will never be great. i won't leave anything substantial behind.
the other half of me is just an absolute mess of stories. i might be talented at physics, but i'm tenfold that when it comes to storytelling. i have so many stories to tell and i want to tell them in all the ways a story can be told. its like a fever. its definitely driving me crazy. there are so many imaginary universes that i live in all the time that with each passing day it gets harder to drag myself out of my daydreams. i write reams and reams of stupid drabbles everyday and get nowhere, but i know that i will keep going until i've exhausted every drop of creative thought in my brain. i don't just want to write books, though: i want to make movies, spectacles that will never be forgotten, the next dune, the next interstellar, a masterpiece, something for the ages. i suppose unachievable goals and ambition is something both halves share.
I am dying to act, onstage or onscreen, live as the story i am dying to tell. i know that i *am* what i write and that i need to portray them too, not just put them to paper. in short i want to get whats in my head out of my head, in all the ways available to me.
but my parents wouldn't support that goal, it's not academic enough. and even i know that that goal is a lot less stable jobwise, financially; it could all go wrong and i might never 'make it'. and yet, that goal is what i know i NEED. i have to do it or i'll just go insane, i'll burn up. but i can't have it. because for some reason you can't do both in this world. if i go for what the first half wants, all hope of the second is lost. if i pursue the second half's dreams, then i can't suddenly backtrack and do the first's.
i have always been a writer. equally i have always been a physicist. but i'm not scientific AND creative. there is no difference, to me at least. they both feed each other and trap me in the middle. if i'm making no sense it's because this is really, truly maddening. i don't think i can ever reconcile the two, but life requires me to. a little piece of me will have to be cast off like a spare part just to make it work. when will we stop having to put ourselves in smaller and smaller boxes as our lives go on? why are we so pressured to narrow down our scopes to something definite and specialised so soon? why cant people just do the things they love, regardless of whether or not they're in the same field of work?
if anyone has some advice, i'd really appreciate it. sorry for the rant.
Original post by Anonymous #1
hey everyone.
lately, i'm feeling more and more like i'm having to pick between two versions of me.
one half wants to be a physicist, burning with ambition. i want to work myself into the ground and be the best in everything i do, climb to the top of my field and never step down. my parents support this goal. i have thus far steered my life towards it. it genuinely fascinates me, and i love it. I would even go so far to say that i'm naturally inclined to it- i feel like i understand physics intuitively, not just from a textbook. but overwhelmingly i feel like i missed all the good stuff. all the science that fascinates me, all the people that blow my mind with their genius feel just out of reach, i feel like all the 'cool physics' happened in the 20th century. i'm just barely too late to join their ranks. and if i can't be as good as the greats or better, what's the point? i can consume all the knowledge i desire, it's easy to the point where i don't feel the same panic as i do when thinking about what the other half of me wants to achieve. but i will never be great. i won't leave anything substantial behind.
the other half of me is just an absolute mess of stories. i might be talented at physics, but i'm tenfold that when it comes to storytelling. i have so many stories to tell and i want to tell them in all the ways a story can be told. its like a fever. its definitely driving me crazy. there are so many imaginary universes that i live in all the time that with each passing day it gets harder to drag myself out of my daydreams. i write reams and reams of stupid drabbles everyday and get nowhere, but i know that i will keep going until i've exhausted every drop of creative thought in my brain. i don't just want to write books, though: i want to make movies, spectacles that will never be forgotten, the next dune, the next interstellar, a masterpiece, something for the ages. i suppose unachievable goals and ambition is something both halves share.
I am dying to act, onstage or onscreen, live as the story i am dying to tell. i know that i *am* what i write and that i need to portray them too, not just put them to paper. in short i want to get whats in my head out of my head, in all the ways available to me.
but my parents wouldn't support that goal, it's not academic enough. and even i know that that goal is a lot less stable jobwise, financially; it could all go wrong and i might never 'make it'. and yet, that goal is what i know i NEED. i have to do it or i'll just go insane, i'll burn up. but i can't have it. because for some reason you can't do both in this world. if i go for what the first half wants, all hope of the second is lost. if i pursue the second half's dreams, then i can't suddenly backtrack and do the first's.
i have always been a writer. equally i have always been a physicist. but i'm not scientific AND creative. there is no difference, to me at least. they both feed each other and trap me in the middle. if i'm making no sense it's because this is really, truly maddening. i don't think i can ever reconcile the two, but life requires me to. a little piece of me will have to be cast off like a spare part just to make it work. when will we stop having to put ourselves in smaller and smaller boxes as our lives go on? why are we so pressured to narrow down our scopes to something definite and specialised so soon? why cant people just do the things they love, regardless of whether or not they're in the same field of work?
if anyone has some advice, i'd really appreciate it. sorry for the rant.
lately, i'm feeling more and more like i'm having to pick between two versions of me.
one half wants to be a physicist, burning with ambition. i want to work myself into the ground and be the best in everything i do, climb to the top of my field and never step down. my parents support this goal. i have thus far steered my life towards it. it genuinely fascinates me, and i love it. I would even go so far to say that i'm naturally inclined to it- i feel like i understand physics intuitively, not just from a textbook. but overwhelmingly i feel like i missed all the good stuff. all the science that fascinates me, all the people that blow my mind with their genius feel just out of reach, i feel like all the 'cool physics' happened in the 20th century. i'm just barely too late to join their ranks. and if i can't be as good as the greats or better, what's the point? i can consume all the knowledge i desire, it's easy to the point where i don't feel the same panic as i do when thinking about what the other half of me wants to achieve. but i will never be great. i won't leave anything substantial behind.
the other half of me is just an absolute mess of stories. i might be talented at physics, but i'm tenfold that when it comes to storytelling. i have so many stories to tell and i want to tell them in all the ways a story can be told. its like a fever. its definitely driving me crazy. there are so many imaginary universes that i live in all the time that with each passing day it gets harder to drag myself out of my daydreams. i write reams and reams of stupid drabbles everyday and get nowhere, but i know that i will keep going until i've exhausted every drop of creative thought in my brain. i don't just want to write books, though: i want to make movies, spectacles that will never be forgotten, the next dune, the next interstellar, a masterpiece, something for the ages. i suppose unachievable goals and ambition is something both halves share.
I am dying to act, onstage or onscreen, live as the story i am dying to tell. i know that i *am* what i write and that i need to portray them too, not just put them to paper. in short i want to get whats in my head out of my head, in all the ways available to me.
but my parents wouldn't support that goal, it's not academic enough. and even i know that that goal is a lot less stable jobwise, financially; it could all go wrong and i might never 'make it'. and yet, that goal is what i know i NEED. i have to do it or i'll just go insane, i'll burn up. but i can't have it. because for some reason you can't do both in this world. if i go for what the first half wants, all hope of the second is lost. if i pursue the second half's dreams, then i can't suddenly backtrack and do the first's.
i have always been a writer. equally i have always been a physicist. but i'm not scientific AND creative. there is no difference, to me at least. they both feed each other and trap me in the middle. if i'm making no sense it's because this is really, truly maddening. i don't think i can ever reconcile the two, but life requires me to. a little piece of me will have to be cast off like a spare part just to make it work. when will we stop having to put ourselves in smaller and smaller boxes as our lives go on? why are we so pressured to narrow down our scopes to something definite and specialised so soon? why cant people just do the things they love, regardless of whether or not they're in the same field of work?
if anyone has some advice, i'd really appreciate it. sorry for the rant.
1) you absolutely don't 100% have to commit to solely one path and could do both, for example studying physics at university while also being part of a creative writing society or vice verse
2) it would probably help to remove the concept of ambition and delusions of grandeur from both career paths and consider would you rather be a typical writer or typical physicist as it seems like ambition is a key factor subjectively biasing your views of both and the concept of timeless grandeur your seeking doesnt really exist at all with films like interstellar undoubtedly to be forgotten in the next 1000 or so years
also sidenote that with embracing mediocrity you can still achieve greatness just while not expecting it and it is a much healthier mindset
3) your daydreaming honestly sounds like maladaptive daydreaming (from someone who has it) and it is highly detrimental to withdraw from reality as all the best stories are based in reality (such as dune inspired by the geopolitics in the middle east around oil)
4) you also seem completely all over the place while describing option 2 with it just seemingly descending into several completely different categories of art which you just assume you're good at despite many people dedicating years to just one? this lack of coherent thought suggests that you haven't realistically thought of it outside of overambitious daydreams so it would seem unwise to pursue this path without accepting the effort and dedication it'll take and completely changing your expectations to be much more realistic
5) also it seems you have some concerns about parental expectations, which tbh i dont really know that much about so i kinda feel not qualified to talk about
these are just some thoughts and I'll recommend talking to someone to help this stop feeling like a major fork in your life and to deal with some of the underlying issues.
hope you're doing ok and that atleast some of this was useful
