Try replacing all instances of "wand" with "willy" in both the books and films.
"Thirteen and a half inches...Powerful willy, very powerful, and in the wrong hands..."
"Willys are only as powerful as the wizards who use them. Some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's."
"Lucius Malfoy stood for a moment, and Harry distinctly saw his right hand twitch as though he was longing to reach for his willy."
"He raised his own willy, attempted a complicated sort of wiggling action and dropped it. Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up, saying, 'Whoops -my willy is a little over-excited'."
"Voldemort raised his willy. His head was tilted to one side,
like a curious child, wondering what would happen if he proceeded.
Harry looked back into the red eyes, and wanted it to happen now,
quickly, while he could still stand, before he lost control"