Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Original post by diamonddust
It just needs to be retwisted because it's a total mess. I flopped. Disgustingly. There was a 12 mark stats question I answered completely wrong.
Wow, it's like you jumped into my brain. My exams finished an hour ago and it doesn't help that it went **** and I have no chance of getting into my firm now and I'm majorly having ok, you can't do this anymore, you have no reason to eat now thoughts. It sort of feels like my ED was waiting for this, as silly as it sounds. I don't intend on letting it win but I'm really struggling with urges to punish myself after the exam. I feel like such an idiot. And then just before the exam my friend said something about my medium school hoody fitting me and her saying the small was too big for her and my brain was just like 'See? You're a complete ****' and then I failed and now I'm despairing. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a *bit* of an overreaction when I haven't got my results yet but now I honestly couldn't care less about anything. UEA was basically my driving force since I was in hospital and now I'm not going to get in, I really don't care anymore. I keep saying 'DD, you're overreacting, just think rationally for a second.' I just cried down the phone to my mum. I just can't deal with failure, not again. I'm sick of always failing, I wanted something to go right just once, you know? I didn't try to eat more so I could fail. I was planning on finding a summer job/volunteering to keep myself busy, could you do that? Or just make sure you have something productive to do each day so you don't feel like you're doing nothing? What about a fun summer project? I'm sorry for going on about me, I could really identify with your post- especially now when all I have in my head are horrible words.
You (and I) still need to maintain. Maintenance doesn't go out of the window just because we don't feel like we have justification for it.
Are you getting any help?
Wow, it's like you jumped into my brain. My exams finished an hour ago and it doesn't help that it went **** and I have no chance of getting into my firm now and I'm majorly having ok, you can't do this anymore, you have no reason to eat now thoughts. It sort of feels like my ED was waiting for this, as silly as it sounds. I don't intend on letting it win but I'm really struggling with urges to punish myself after the exam. I feel like such an idiot. And then just before the exam my friend said something about my medium school hoody fitting me and her saying the small was too big for her and my brain was just like 'See? You're a complete ****' and then I failed and now I'm despairing. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a *bit* of an overreaction when I haven't got my results yet but now I honestly couldn't care less about anything. UEA was basically my driving force since I was in hospital and now I'm not going to get in, I really don't care anymore. I keep saying 'DD, you're overreacting, just think rationally for a second.' I just cried down the phone to my mum. I just can't deal with failure, not again. I'm sick of always failing, I wanted something to go right just once, you know? I didn't try to eat more so I could fail. I was planning on finding a summer job/volunteering to keep myself busy, could you do that? Or just make sure you have something productive to do each day so you don't feel like you're doing nothing? What about a fun summer project? I'm sorry for going on about me, I could really identify with your post- especially now when all I have in my head are horrible words.
You (and I) still need to maintain. Maintenance doesn't go out of the window just because we don't feel like we have justification for it.Are you getting any help?
Im going to butt in on this conversation because it feels relevant to me. Feel free to ignore me if it's not
Spoiler
My issues around food are slightly different to yours, so I don't really fully understand your feelings enough to be very helpful. All I can say is, hang in there and good luck.
Sorry for hijacking the conversation
I had my last exam today, strangely enough I thought my motivation to eat would be a lot less now as I don't have the exams as a reason to need more energy, but it's not really had an effect as of yet. That being said I'm feeling really positive for once, so we'll see how long this lasts. 
I got a letter through from my dietitian yesterday saying I have to go to an appointment on Thursday (I had planned to go to the cinema
) and my therapist told me I have to start gaining weight otherwise we can't work in therapy. I have to be honest, I felt really bad when he said that, like I was wasting his time by turning up to appointments, having not gained, and not being able to progress further in treatment. I'm well aware that feeling selfish isn't a good motivator to gain weight, but it certainly tackles the guilt the ED gives me when I eat. You win some, you lose some I guess. That was a fairly emotional session anyway, and it pretty much ended with him saying that maybe the reason I have these issues is because I put others first to such an extreme that I neglect my own needs and feel guilty when I do something for myself. But we can't explore it until I'm healthier. :/ Hmm, it's an odd day.
Hope everyone else is doing well!
I got a letter through from my dietitian yesterday saying I have to go to an appointment on Thursday (I had planned to go to the cinema
) and my therapist told me I have to start gaining weight otherwise we can't work in therapy. I have to be honest, I felt really bad when he said that, like I was wasting his time by turning up to appointments, having not gained, and not being able to progress further in treatment. I'm well aware that feeling selfish isn't a good motivator to gain weight, but it certainly tackles the guilt the ED gives me when I eat. You win some, you lose some I guess. That was a fairly emotional session anyway, and it pretty much ended with him saying that maybe the reason I have these issues is because I put others first to such an extreme that I neglect my own needs and feel guilty when I do something for myself. But we can't explore it until I'm healthier. :/ Hmm, it's an odd day. Hope everyone else is doing well!
Original post by diamonddust
Spoiler
Spoiler
Hi DD,
You know that your ED is lying to you. You have to remind yourself that those things are not true. What is true is that you have a future ahead of you. Volunteering sounds a really good idea, there are so many charities that need volunteers. Pick something that you are interested in and go for it. And knowing what I do about the way that you've been revising I seriously doubt that you've failed your exam!
You know that your ED is lying to you. You have to remind yourself that those things are not true. What is true is that you have a future ahead of you. Volunteering sounds a really good idea, there are so many charities that need volunteers. Pick something that you are interested in and go for it. And knowing what I do about the way that you've been revising I seriously doubt that you've failed your exam!
Original post by diamonddust
It just needs to be retwisted because it's a total mess. I flopped. Disgustingly. There was a 12 mark stats question I answered completely wrong.
Wow, it's like you jumped into my brain. You (and I) still need to maintain. Maintenance doesn't go out of the window just because we don't feel like we have justification for it.
Are you getting any help?
Wow, it's like you jumped into my brain.
Spoiler
You (and I) still need to maintain. Maintenance doesn't go out of the window just because we don't feel like we have justification for it.Are you getting any help?
Wow, it really is! This is exactly my thought process. Although I haven't felt really bad about any paticular exam, last year I thought I'd not done as well as I'd have liked in some and during summer I used food as a way of 'punishing' and 'perfecting' myself.
I am having therapy every couple of weeks, but no other medical support. Kind of my fault really, as I discharged myself from my old outpatient team after refusing to go to appointments etc. They were awful though :/
One thing that's helped me recently is to think of all the people that I really admire, who are healthy and eat normally. It sounds weird, but it helps me to push forward so I can achieve what they have achieved.
Just a quick note about exams: I took history in a year and, as I wanted to study ancient history, the pressure was really on to get at least a B to meet my offers. I went into the first history exam having one of the worst panic attacks of my life and left in floods of tears - I just knew I'd failed. On results day, I'd managed to get not just a B, not just an A but 100%! You honestly can't tell until results so relax and try to forget about it.
And even should the worse happen, it gives you another year to work on beating your ED and getting healthier. Even if I hadn't met my offer, I know that another year would not have been the end of the world - I probably could have used that time to work on my depression.
Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
And even should the worse happen, it gives you another year to work on beating your ED and getting healthier. Even if I hadn't met my offer, I know that another year would not have been the end of the world - I probably could have used that time to work on my depression.
Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
Original post by Aemiliana
Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
She's rigt. The exam is over, you can't go back and change whats been done, so theres no point nearly killing yourself over it.
Original post by Cinamon
Spoiler
Spoiler
Original post by Arcane Barn Elk
Hi DD,
You know that your ED is lying to you. You have to remind yourself that those things are not true. What is true is that you have a future ahead of you. Volunteering sounds a really good idea, there are so many charities that need volunteers. Pick something that you are interested in and go for it. And knowing what I do about the way that you've been revising I seriously doubt that you've failed your exam!
You know that your ED is lying to you. You have to remind yourself that those things are not true. What is true is that you have a future ahead of you. Volunteering sounds a really good idea, there are so many charities that need volunteers. Pick something that you are interested in and go for it. And knowing what I do about the way that you've been revising I seriously doubt that you've failed your exam!
Thank you.
I think I'm going to have a look around for something I'm really excited about. Everyone's being so lovely and reassuring and part of me feels like I'm making a big deal out of nothing while the other part is screaming 'You only got about 2 marks, you idiot!' It's not *generally* my reaction after exams, the last time I calculated marks was Chemistry AS when I ended up with a E and I got a D in research methods last year so I don't think the prospects are good but... I can't really do anything now, can I? I've tried my best so so what if it doesn't quite work out. Everything happens for a reason, apparently. Original post by elljay
Wow, it really is! This is exactly my thought process. Although I haven't felt really bad about any paticular exam, last year I thought I'd not done as well as I'd have liked in some and during summer I used food as a way of 'punishing' and 'perfecting' myself.
I am having therapy every couple of weeks, but no other medical support. Kind of my fault really, as I discharged myself from my old outpatient team after refusing to go to appointments etc. They were awful though :/
One thing that's helped me recently is to think of all the people that I really admire, who are healthy and eat normally. It sounds weird, but it helps me to push forward so I can achieve what they have achieved.
I am having therapy every couple of weeks, but no other medical support. Kind of my fault really, as I discharged myself from my old outpatient team after refusing to go to appointments etc. They were awful though :/
One thing that's helped me recently is to think of all the people that I really admire, who are healthy and eat normally. It sounds weird, but it helps me to push forward so I can achieve what they have achieved.
That doesn't sound weird at all. Healthy rolemodels are so important.
Original post by Aemiliana
Just a quick note about exams: I took history in a year and, as I wanted to study ancient history, the pressure was really on to get at least a B to meet my offers. I went into the first history exam having one of the worst panic attacks of my life and left in floods of tears - I just knew I'd failed. On results day, I'd managed to get not just a B, not just an A but 100%! You honestly can't tell until results so relax and try to forget about it.
And even should the worse happen, it gives you another year to work on beating your ED and getting healthier. Even if I hadn't met my offer, I know that another year would not have been the end of the world - I probably could have used that time to work on my depression.
Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
And even should the worse happen, it gives you another year to work on beating your ED and getting healthier. Even if I hadn't met my offer, I know that another year would not have been the end of the world - I probably could have used that time to work on my depression.
Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
That's amazing! And that's a really good point about the year out. I keep saying that I probably *need* a gap year in theory but the thought of it being a possibility is scary. I did really want one before and if it does happen, it doesn't need to be a negative thing at all. Duh.
But yep! My exams are over and no matter what happens, I still did it and I got through it and I should be proud. Now for what to do during summer...
I need to write a decent CV and see if I can find a job I can actually go to/find a volunteering placement and carry on with my knitting (
) and do a million other things I haven't thought of yet but I think my first priority should be food and sleep. Thanks guys.
It's amazing how the most irrational moments seem so huge in the moment and then seem so silly. I've had my 'WAAAAAAAAH, my life is OVEEEEEEEEEEEEER!' moment and now it's time to dance around the room to Glee songs! Ate mum's curry with chapttis gonna miss them at uni because theyre the only thing i eat and not feel bad
I also want to pitch in with how strong you all are, despite not knowing or believing it.
It's one thing to have an irrational set of thoughts and habits; it's totally another to be AWARE of those thoughts and habits and follow them anyway. Like the old saying goes, "who is the more foolish; the fool, or the smart man who follows him?" - the former might do stupid things, but is oblivious to his actions. But the latter is fully aware but continues to follow along anyway. Who is the more irrational? The more troubled?
I trigger myself into a fit of panic with my obsession over numbers. Despite the numbers equalling that of irrationality even now, I checked back on my on old posts to see how often I'd posted my height, weight and dimensions in accurate numbers. It as shocking how frequently I'd done so. But in turn, I took into account that I've gained about 5lb since the beginning of recovery (maybe 3 months ago) and the fact that number was lower than today's number, I started freaking out again.
Then I looked at the person I was before the ED began. Not since high school have I been overweight; but for many years I was so carefree. So frivolous. "I fancy a pasty." I ate a pasty. "Let's go for an Indian". We went out for an Indian meal. So completely free. And it never hurt me - I was happy, enjoyed life completely and utterly without a second thought for how food - the life fuel that keeps our bodies working - would cause me any detrimental effects. Truth is, food does NOT have detrimental effects. It's the oil that keeps our engines running.
In some ways I was the former man, that "fool" - but without the element of foolishness. Only today, with a clouded mind, with an ED, do I regard that kind of behaviour as foolish, or oblivious, or close-minded, when in reality, the me from those days - he was the NORMAL man.
We all have to realise that the previous us - the ones before the EDs - those were not the foolish, oblivious ones at all. But now, under the spell of the ED, we are the "fool who follows". The ones that know what we're doing but do it anyway; a puppet that actually has the CHOICE to defy his puppet master, but doesn't.
And in this respect, my ED is both the most powerless and powerful thing in the world.
It's one thing to have an irrational set of thoughts and habits; it's totally another to be AWARE of those thoughts and habits and follow them anyway. Like the old saying goes, "who is the more foolish; the fool, or the smart man who follows him?" - the former might do stupid things, but is oblivious to his actions. But the latter is fully aware but continues to follow along anyway. Who is the more irrational? The more troubled?
I trigger myself into a fit of panic with my obsession over numbers. Despite the numbers equalling that of irrationality even now, I checked back on my on old posts to see how often I'd posted my height, weight and dimensions in accurate numbers. It as shocking how frequently I'd done so. But in turn, I took into account that I've gained about 5lb since the beginning of recovery (maybe 3 months ago) and the fact that number was lower than today's number, I started freaking out again.
Then I looked at the person I was before the ED began. Not since high school have I been overweight; but for many years I was so carefree. So frivolous. "I fancy a pasty." I ate a pasty. "Let's go for an Indian". We went out for an Indian meal. So completely free. And it never hurt me - I was happy, enjoyed life completely and utterly without a second thought for how food - the life fuel that keeps our bodies working - would cause me any detrimental effects. Truth is, food does NOT have detrimental effects. It's the oil that keeps our engines running.
In some ways I was the former man, that "fool" - but without the element of foolishness. Only today, with a clouded mind, with an ED, do I regard that kind of behaviour as foolish, or oblivious, or close-minded, when in reality, the me from those days - he was the NORMAL man.
We all have to realise that the previous us - the ones before the EDs - those were not the foolish, oblivious ones at all. But now, under the spell of the ED, we are the "fool who follows". The ones that know what we're doing but do it anyway; a puppet that actually has the CHOICE to defy his puppet master, but doesn't.
And in this respect, my ED is both the most powerless and powerful thing in the world.
Toto - was it Albert Einstein who said something about insanity being repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results?
I've had a really really good day. Spoke to the dietician about my stomach probs and severe heartburn/reflux that causes PAIN after most fruits and after salad. RESULT - now I'm having cooked veg instead of salad, pieces of fruit replaced with small banana/tinned drained peach/pear/apricot (which don't hurt as much) and the fruit salad desserts swapped with another.
I felt good about eating today.. I felt empowered and like I was taking control - me, not my ED.
I've had a really really good day. Spoke to the dietician about my stomach probs and severe heartburn/reflux that causes PAIN after most fruits and after salad. RESULT - now I'm having cooked veg instead of salad, pieces of fruit replaced with small banana/tinned drained peach/pear/apricot (which don't hurt as much) and the fruit salad desserts swapped with another.
I felt good about eating today.
. I felt empowered and like I was taking control - me, not my ED.Is it actually possible to recover from an eating disorder.
I'm starting to feel like there is no hope and I will spend the rest of my life, stuck in an never ending cycle of self hatrid, weight loss, weight gain, depression, SI, anorexia...etc I've spent a total of 18 months as in inpatient specifically for the Anorexia Nervosa, and im only 18. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling anxious, depressed and guilty. Im tired of constantly worrying and panicking, i'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of life.
And this doesnt even sum up how i'm feeling. I can't explain to anyone how I feel. I feel trapped and helpless. Lost and alone.
And this makes me sad, because I met some amazing people whilst IP, but some of the patients were in their 70's. I dont want to be like that when i'm 70. I want a life, I want to have fun, have a family, travel, learn.... I just feel like i'm stuck and no one can get me out.
Right now all I want is to be carefree and happy. I just dont see a way to get that.
I'm starting to feel like there is no hope and I will spend the rest of my life, stuck in an never ending cycle of self hatrid, weight loss, weight gain, depression, SI, anorexia...etc I've spent a total of 18 months as in inpatient specifically for the Anorexia Nervosa, and im only 18. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling anxious, depressed and guilty. Im tired of constantly worrying and panicking, i'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of life.
And this doesnt even sum up how i'm feeling. I can't explain to anyone how I feel. I feel trapped and helpless. Lost and alone.
And this makes me sad, because I met some amazing people whilst IP, but some of the patients were in their 70's. I dont want to be like that when i'm 70. I want a life, I want to have fun, have a family, travel, learn.... I just feel like i'm stuck and no one can get me out.
Right now all I want is to be carefree and happy. I just dont see a way to get that.
hi guys
I ate a proper meal today. I'm even craving some chicken wings mum's made downstairs but I think I'll just panic if i eat them so I'll save them for tomorrow.
I could give my full story about my background / family/ education but I feel like it means I'm being someone that's ill and I'm not ready to join that club or admit to there being ANY issues when clearly there's so many it's unreal.
.
I ate a proper meal today. I'm even craving some chicken wings mum's made downstairs but I think I'll just panic if i eat them so I'll save them for tomorrow.
I could give my full story about my background / family/ education but I feel like it means I'm being someone that's ill and I'm not ready to join that club or admit to there being ANY issues when clearly there's so many it's unreal.
.Original post by broken_rose
Is it actually possible to recover from an eating disorder.
I'm starting to feel like there is no hope and I will spend the rest of my life, stuck in an never ending cycle of self hatrid, weight loss, weight gain, depression, SI, anorexia...etc I've spent a total of 18 months as in inpatient specifically for the Anorexia Nervosa, and im only 18. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling anxious, depressed and guilty. Im tired of constantly worrying and panicking, i'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of life.
And this doesnt even sum up how i'm feeling. I can't explain to anyone how I feel. I feel trapped and helpless. Lost and alone.
And this makes me sad, because I met some amazing people whilst IP, but some of the patients were in their 70's. I dont want to be like that when i'm 70. I want a life, I want to have fun, have a family, travel, learn.... I just feel like i'm stuck and no one can get me out.
Right now all I want is to be carefree and happy. I just dont see a way to get that.
I'm starting to feel like there is no hope and I will spend the rest of my life, stuck in an never ending cycle of self hatrid, weight loss, weight gain, depression, SI, anorexia...etc I've spent a total of 18 months as in inpatient specifically for the Anorexia Nervosa, and im only 18. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling anxious, depressed and guilty. Im tired of constantly worrying and panicking, i'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of life.
And this doesnt even sum up how i'm feeling. I can't explain to anyone how I feel. I feel trapped and helpless. Lost and alone.
And this makes me sad, because I met some amazing people whilst IP, but some of the patients were in their 70's. I dont want to be like that when i'm 70. I want a life, I want to have fun, have a family, travel, learn.... I just feel like i'm stuck and no one can get me out.
Right now all I want is to be carefree and happy. I just dont see a way to get that.
Sadly it seems like the ED has already grabbed you by the neck, but by no means is this a death sentence.
Listen; you want to take things slowly. Chances are the ED crept up on you, and as such the ED can be defeated by stealth tactics too. Don't try to beat it all at once. Slowly but surely introduce new supplements and additions to your diet to increase intake and start to become more carefree. xx
Morning guys xxxxxxxxxxxx
Yet to sleep. Hate this nocturnal cycle.
Yet to sleep. Hate this nocturnal cycle.
Original post by diamonddust
I'm going to have a look around for something I'm really excited about....... part of me feels like I'm making a big deal out of nothing ........I've tried my best so so what if it doesn't quite work out.
My exams are over and no matter what happens, I still did it and I got through it and I should be proud. Now for what to do during summer...
............my first priority should be food and sleep.
I'm going to have a look around for something I'm really excited about....... part of me feels like I'm making a big deal out of nothing ........I've tried my best so so what if it doesn't quite work out.
My exams are over and no matter what happens, I still did it and I got through it and I should be proud. Now for what to do during summer...
............my first priority should be food and sleep.
How you feel is not 'nothing'. Its better to get it out than let it build up inside and have a bigger explosion or use food and eating to express your feelings.
You should be proud!
and you are right. Your first priority should be your wellbeing - physical and emotional.Original post by broken_rose
Is it actually possible to recover from an eating disorder..................I want a life, I want to have fun, have a family, travel, learn.... I just feel like i'm stuck and no one can get me out.
Right now all I want is to be carefree and happy. I just don't see a way to get that.
Right now all I want is to be carefree and happy. I just don't see a way to get that.
Most people do recover from ED! It can take a long time (years in some cases), but eventually they get there. I won't quote the stats as that might not be helpful.
Its great that despite everything you're going through you still know what you want.
As Toto says (what a wise bloke!), you do have the choice to defy your 'puppet master' (ED). I'm sure that you've heard it all before, but you can move forward using baby steps if necessary. You're not 'stuck' you're paralyzed in the headlights of the ED, but behind the light there is nothing. ED is like the man behind the curtain of the wizard in the OZ films!
Toto, you know that the figures are just that - numbers. They are arbritrary and some people regard them as truly meaningless. I guess you've also heard it all before but could you try to categorise figures as 'healthy' and 'not healthy' ? That might work for intake and weight?
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by morrisman
To me that sounds like a huge power shift that should be applauded to the heavens, this is you actively beating the ED into submission one meal at a time, do you think the better nutrition is helping you to take a more balance view?
DEFINITELY *nods hard*
broken rose - yes, it is possible. it really is. it takes WORK. a lot of it. not just eating. eating and challenging thoughts. every single thought that you can identify. it needs challenging. it's exhausting. but it is POSSIBLE. and it is WORTH it.
i have had a really crappy day. i woke up feeling enormous - arms like uncooked sausages, chest bones covered, can't feel my pelvis like i used to - it's practically buried under a mound of fat. thighs padded. boobs like water balloons. food been a struggle all day. i've had problems with my meal plan being buggered up (again!!!!) and with meds being buggered up too. and then i was told i had to move rooms - packed up. then told moving tomorrow. then you're moving NOW. then, you're moving later tonight. then tommorrow again. and then apparently i'm moving again tonight. FFS. i HAVE to know WHEN. i was freaking out over the not knowing and the staff were making it worse, when my anxiety is spiralling as out of control as that I need my own space and time to wind myself down - and the staff just push and crowd and i end up having to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME SOME SPACE
So spent most of the day in tears.
And then. I got told that I was reviewed in ward round (although I didn't actually go). I'm OUT the wheelchair
(still have to use stairs) and I'm OFF obs - supervision in bathroom/shower/mealtimes but apart from that, nada, I'm alooooooone! (well, I'll be moving into a shared room, but that's ok ).So, a nice reward for riding out a rough rough day.
