Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Hey 
Hope you're all doing ok x
Hope you're all doing ok x
Hi everyone 
I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me.
As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.
So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee
Bee
x
I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me. As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.
So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee
Bee
x
Original post by Cinamon
Hey Hope you're all doing ok x
Hope you're all doing ok x
Hey lovely, hope you're ok! Original post by Anonymous
Hi everyone I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me.
As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.
So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee
Bee
x
I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me. As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.
So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee
Bee
x
I'm so sorry about what happened when you were a child and I'm glad you spoke out on here. Good luck for the next 10 days, I hope it helps you. Bee is a very nice alias! 
Original post by Anonymous
Original post by Anonymous
Hi everyone I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me.
As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.
So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee
Bee
x
I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me. As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.
So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee
Bee
x
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you. 
I'd just like to send my love and support to everyone who has posted here.
Original post by Aemiliana I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you.
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you. *nods* I've always thought that it was a bit silly that you needed to binge/purge a certain number of times a week to be diagnosed as bullimic. I don't think people without an ED b/p.
Original post by Anonymous
I'd just like to send my love and support to everyone who has posted here.
Thank you.
I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder. When I was 12-14 some of the things I did would fit into the anorexic category (I'd do 500 skips on a skipping rope a day, read cookery books, was into cooking, didn't like eating) and my BMI dropped to 14. At this point I was made to go to the GP, and he said if I don't put on weight (or lose more) then I will have to go to hospital. He never said anything along the lines of an eating disorder, which just left me confused. I hated the fact I had to put on weight, but I did anyway. I'd buy loads of chocolate bars, muffins etc., hide it under my bed, and eat it at night. I really enjoyed food and eating it secretly.
When I got to a more normal weight, I started disliking my body again. I tried making myself sick but because it didn't work I was left with this new body. My mind was still not right, but my body was normal.
I am still obsessed with food. I still buy loads of unhealthy food and eat it secretly. Food/what I eat is the thing which is effected when I am under stress. Recently I had exams, I got really depressed and for the first time I started making myself sick a lot. I've stopped this now (as I am living with people and it's not something you can really do with others around), but occasionally eat loads of fattening food.
I've just been away, as noone was around to see what I ate during breakfast or lunch I wouldn't eat this. I lost about 5 kg in 3 weeks. I feel so out of control. My mind wants to lose weight, I know I'm not fat but I am still dissatisfied with my body. I feel fat, but know Im not fat.
I want to do something about this. I'd like to talk to my GP but I feel because I'm borderline underweight they won't think I have a serious problem. She'll probably weigh me, say everything is fine, and leave me like this. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I have a problem.
When I got to a more normal weight, I started disliking my body again. I tried making myself sick but because it didn't work I was left with this new body. My mind was still not right, but my body was normal.
I am still obsessed with food. I still buy loads of unhealthy food and eat it secretly. Food/what I eat is the thing which is effected when I am under stress. Recently I had exams, I got really depressed and for the first time I started making myself sick a lot. I've stopped this now (as I am living with people and it's not something you can really do with others around), but occasionally eat loads of fattening food.
I've just been away, as noone was around to see what I ate during breakfast or lunch I wouldn't eat this. I lost about 5 kg in 3 weeks. I feel so out of control. My mind wants to lose weight, I know I'm not fat but I am still dissatisfied with my body. I feel fat, but know Im not fat.
I want to do something about this. I'd like to talk to my GP but I feel because I'm borderline underweight they won't think I have a serious problem. She'll probably weigh me, say everything is fine, and leave me like this. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I have a problem.
Original post by diamonddust
I'm so sorry about what happened when you were a child and I'm glad you spoke out on here. Good luck for the next 10 days, I hope it helps you. Bee is a very nice alias!
I'm so sorry about what happened when you were a child and I'm glad you spoke out on here. Good luck for the next 10 days, I hope it helps you. Bee is a very nice alias! Original post by Aemiliana I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you.
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you. Thank you both. I looked up EDNOS and I guess that's what I might be classified as but I'm still reluctant to go to a doctor. Can they help without sending me to a counsellor or psychologist?
Also, posting anonymously means I can't go back and edit my post but I meant to write binge/restrict in the last little bit of my previous post instead of binge/purge.
Bee
x
Hi
I hope nobody minds me posting here, you all seem very supportive and nobody has helped me with a thread I posted
Basically, after a lengthy process I have been approved for a breast augmentation on the nhs. I have different sized boobs (I'm having the one reduced) which causes me so much embarrassment and makes me feel ashamed. I have never had a boyfriend because I don't want anybody to see me naked.
Anyway, I have unresolved issues with Depression/Eating Disorder and after a recent relapse I understand that I need to get help. - These issues aren't connected with the boob thing though.
My eating disorder isn't really that 'bad' anymore, I'm 19 now and it lasted for about a year when I was 16 (when i say lasted, i mean the thoughts never really disappeared i was forced to eat), i went through a period of binging and purging, and then when I started to train myself not to eat I got found out shortly after, my LW was 5st 12, and I'm 5ft tall.
Anyway my mum found my diary and I recieved no professional help, she'd just follow me everywhere to make sure I didn't purge..
Anyway now, it's not really my weight thats bothering me I just find myself making myself sick as a way of release/punishment.
My problem is I am concerned that if I go to the doctors for help with the above issues, will they take me off the waiting list for my operation, as I'm too 'mentally unfit'???
I am so ready for the operation and if they denied me it it would only make me more depressed!
Can anybody shed some light on what they think the doctors would do?
Thanks for reading
xx
I hope nobody minds me posting here, you all seem very supportive and nobody has helped me with a thread I posted
Basically, after a lengthy process I have been approved for a breast augmentation on the nhs. I have different sized boobs (I'm having the one reduced) which causes me so much embarrassment and makes me feel ashamed. I have never had a boyfriend because I don't want anybody to see me naked.
Anyway, I have unresolved issues with Depression/Eating Disorder and after a recent relapse I understand that I need to get help. - These issues aren't connected with the boob thing though.
My eating disorder isn't really that 'bad' anymore, I'm 19 now and it lasted for about a year when I was 16 (when i say lasted, i mean the thoughts never really disappeared i was forced to eat), i went through a period of binging and purging, and then when I started to train myself not to eat I got found out shortly after, my LW was 5st 12, and I'm 5ft tall.
Anyway my mum found my diary and I recieved no professional help, she'd just follow me everywhere to make sure I didn't purge..
Anyway now, it's not really my weight thats bothering me I just find myself making myself sick as a way of release/punishment.
My problem is I am concerned that if I go to the doctors for help with the above issues, will they take me off the waiting list for my operation, as I'm too 'mentally unfit'???
I am so ready for the operation and if they denied me it it would only make me more depressed!Can anybody shed some light on what they think the doctors would do?
Thanks for reading
xx
Original post by Anonymous
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you both. I looked up EDNOS and I guess that's what I might be classified as but I'm still reluctant to go to a doctor. Can they help without sending me to a counsellor or psychologist?
Also, posting anonymously means I can't go back and edit my post but I meant to write binge/restrict in the last little bit of my previous post instead of binge/purge.
Bee
x
Also, posting anonymously means I can't go back and edit my post but I meant to write binge/restrict in the last little bit of my previous post instead of binge/purge.
Bee
x
You need to see someone and talk about your issues in order to get better. I know you don't want to (no EDed person ever does) but you have to - life like this is not how life should be! Please go to your GP and get your life back
Haven't posted for a while!
I've been on and off lately. Not super-duper chirpy like I was earlier, not depressed as a deflated muffin.
Human.
I've been through binges (not really that large, sometimes I'd call 5 grapes a binge), I've been through purges. I've been a while without the former or the latter! Stomach playing up though, etc.
Still confused about courses, I've grown but my weight is still constant (but may be a little up!). Saw the new Harry potter yesterday, my inner nerd raged and cried and enjoyed the entire thing.
I might post a bit more a little later but off to cook my Gran's dinner.
People, if you think you have an eating disorder you probably do. It means that the consideration is EVEN IN YOUR HEAD. Most people WITH eating disorders take ages to admit it to themselves. Go see a GP, please.
Also thought I'd post a pic of my eating diary so far today! The description explains why it is what it is.
Loves all and hope your all getting better.
EAT FOR BRITAIN BABY! (Or whatever relevant country you feel like representing)
http://citrusdrops.deviantart.com/#/d41ljyl
I've been on and off lately. Not super-duper chirpy like I was earlier, not depressed as a deflated muffin.
Human.
I've been through binges (not really that large, sometimes I'd call 5 grapes a binge), I've been through purges. I've been a while without the former or the latter! Stomach playing up though, etc.
Still confused about courses, I've grown but my weight is still constant (but may be a little up!). Saw the new Harry potter yesterday, my inner nerd raged and cried and enjoyed the entire thing.
I might post a bit more a little later but off to cook my Gran's dinner.
People, if you think you have an eating disorder you probably do. It means that the consideration is EVEN IN YOUR HEAD. Most people WITH eating disorders take ages to admit it to themselves. Go see a GP, please.
Also thought I'd post a pic of my eating diary so far today! The description explains why it is what it is.
Loves all and hope your all getting better.
EAT FOR BRITAIN BABY! (Or whatever relevant country you feel like representing)
http://citrusdrops.deviantart.com/#/d41ljyl
Original post by diamonddust Hey lovely, hope you're ok!
Hey lovely, hope you're ok! 
Original post by Cinamon
Oh hun, don't be ashamed.
I haven't been posting much because I don't really want to say anything. I went to my old hospital to see my friend who begged me to see her and I lied when everyone asked how I was. I didn't even mean to. I just automatically say 'fine' whenever anyone asks me how I feel. I need to stop doing that. 
The truth is, shame keeps you trapped. If you're ashamed to say that things aren't going well, it means that you can stay in denial. An illustration: One of my really good friends from IP left hospital and said she was going to stay out for good. She's back in and I spoke to her and she said the reason she stopped talking to me and everyone else was because she was ashamed to say that she wasn't doing well. Even just saying 'Things are a bit ****...' is better than saying nothing, I suppose. Big hugs to you. Keep trying. Sooner or later something has to stick! You can PM me if you want? 
I like your doodles Antiaris.
Mood swings... Hey everyone, been reading through these for a while now and it's heart-warming stuff, you're all lovely ^ ^ Umm, just need some advice if that's alright? Hope you can bear with me on this one-it's pretty long, I do have a tendency to ramble a bit :')
Not sure whether I have an ED or not but I definitely have a bad relationship with food. Also please avoid this if you think it might be triggering for you...
I got teased as a kid about my size and it's kinda stuck so I've spent the last few years putting "keeping fit" top of my priority list. Been fairly nutritionally aware all that time and most people would describe me as a "healthy eater", but somewhere along last year it went overboard and I got these ideas of getting good protein-to-fat/salt-to-water ratios, levels of unsaturated fats compared to saturated fats, visceral fat, burning food before its GI's complete (eat an apple, walk a mile say)-the list goes on . I've lost quite a bit of weight and have got scared to exercise like I used to because of palpitations and chest pains brought on by anxiety, but even at BMI 18 I thought I'd somehow given myself CHD from being a "pig" and it's took an ECG and ETT to give me the all clear medically and tell me everything's alright.
Anyway because of this fear I've got scared and guilty about eating anything outside of "comfort foods" which always seem to be what you may class as healthy like fruit or fish. Things like cheese and butter freak me out (I used to love cheese : ( ), I'm genuinely scared of going to my friend's barbecue tomorrow and I've still got Easter eggs out in my garage that need eating, but some days I can't eat olive spread because of the fat, fruit because of the sugar...the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I think it'd help if I could not be afraid of working out again, I do tons of walking but still think I'll die just climbing stairs because I'm so big. I don't get it, I look in the mirror and half the time I just see myself as really fat, ugly and unattractive even when family and friends say I've gone pretty skinny compared to what I was. It's almost like I look "better" immediately after exercise and "worse" immediately after eating?
I've seen the Eating Disorders service about it and think I'm EDNOS or possibly BDD but the dietician hasn't actually told me what my diagnosis is? I don't know whether it's severe enough to be treated as such. I've only dropped to BMI 17.5 at the worst of it before my parents took me to a cardiologist and explained I can't exercise until weight goes up. It's back to 20 now because I'll force myself to eat whatever I'm given for dinner and only do light exercise like walking and swimming for pleasure rather than to burn, but it feels like as long as I'm afraid to do anything more intense the guilt will remain and my body screams "cardiac arrest" or "greedy" if I have to have something like pizza because Mum's working nights. In any case I really don't want to be living with this guilt or anxiety any longer nor making those I love live with my awkward eating habits; supposed to be going to uni in September if I get the grades but my parents don't think I'm ready with my mind the way it is and might have to live at home if I go at all. Any help please
Phew! Sorry that was so long >_< whoever's bothered to read all that, thanks for biding with me there I do appreciate your patience : )
Ending on a positive note, however, I'd like to say you're all such incredibly strong people and a real inspiration to fight this illness. There's light at the end of this tunnel, everyone!
Not sure whether I have an ED or not but I definitely have a bad relationship with food. Also please avoid this if you think it might be triggering for you...
I got teased as a kid about my size and it's kinda stuck so I've spent the last few years putting "keeping fit" top of my priority list. Been fairly nutritionally aware all that time and most people would describe me as a "healthy eater", but somewhere along last year it went overboard and I got these ideas of getting good protein-to-fat/salt-to-water ratios, levels of unsaturated fats compared to saturated fats, visceral fat, burning food before its GI's complete (eat an apple, walk a mile say)-the list goes on . I've lost quite a bit of weight and have got scared to exercise like I used to because of palpitations and chest pains brought on by anxiety, but even at BMI 18 I thought I'd somehow given myself CHD from being a "pig" and it's took an ECG and ETT to give me the all clear medically and tell me everything's alright.
Anyway because of this fear I've got scared and guilty about eating anything outside of "comfort foods" which always seem to be what you may class as healthy like fruit or fish. Things like cheese and butter freak me out (I used to love cheese : ( ), I'm genuinely scared of going to my friend's barbecue tomorrow and I've still got Easter eggs out in my garage that need eating, but some days I can't eat olive spread because of the fat, fruit because of the sugar...the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I think it'd help if I could not be afraid of working out again, I do tons of walking but still think I'll die just climbing stairs because I'm so big. I don't get it, I look in the mirror and half the time I just see myself as really fat, ugly and unattractive even when family and friends say I've gone pretty skinny compared to what I was. It's almost like I look "better" immediately after exercise and "worse" immediately after eating?
I've seen the Eating Disorders service about it and think I'm EDNOS or possibly BDD but the dietician hasn't actually told me what my diagnosis is? I don't know whether it's severe enough to be treated as such. I've only dropped to BMI 17.5 at the worst of it before my parents took me to a cardiologist and explained I can't exercise until weight goes up. It's back to 20 now because I'll force myself to eat whatever I'm given for dinner and only do light exercise like walking and swimming for pleasure rather than to burn, but it feels like as long as I'm afraid to do anything more intense the guilt will remain and my body screams "cardiac arrest" or "greedy" if I have to have something like pizza because Mum's working nights. In any case I really don't want to be living with this guilt or anxiety any longer nor making those I love live with my awkward eating habits; supposed to be going to uni in September if I get the grades but my parents don't think I'm ready with my mind the way it is and might have to live at home if I go at all. Any help please
Phew! Sorry that was so long >_< whoever's bothered to read all that, thanks for biding with me there I do appreciate your patience : )
Ending on a positive note, however, I'd like to say you're all such incredibly strong people and a real inspiration to fight this illness. There's light at the end of this tunnel, everyone!
when does it get better
forsaken_earth, I think it gets better when we start believing it can.
There's always a chance of recovery as long as we hold on to the fact that we can free ourselves of these feelings with some courage and determination. Looking at the people on this thread and what some of them have been through, that's something you all clearly have in bucketloads. I think one of the most important things to do that is to remember that you are NOT defined by your ED, you're a unique and brilliant individual first and foremost.
Journey have a point with the song, you know (God, I love 80s cheese!) : )
Spoiler
There's always a chance of recovery as long as we hold on to the fact that we can free ourselves of these feelings with some courage and determination. Looking at the people on this thread and what some of them have been through, that's something you all clearly have in bucketloads. I think one of the most important things to do that is to remember that you are NOT defined by your ED, you're a unique and brilliant individual first and foremost.
Journey have a point with the song, you know (God, I love 80s cheese!) : )
Oh I'm Anon 43 by the way, pretty new to TSR as you can see :') pleased to meet you all
Original post by Anonymous
Hey everyone, been reading through these for a while now and it's heart-warming stuff, you're all lovely ^ ^ Umm, just need some advice if that's alright? Hope you can bear with me on this one-it's pretty long, I do have a tendency to ramble a bit :')
Not sure whether I have an ED or not but I definitely have a bad relationship with food. Also please avoid this if you think it might be triggering for you...
I got teased as a kid about my size and it's kinda stuck so I've spent the last few years putting "keeping fit" top of my priority list. Been fairly nutritionally aware all that time and most people would describe me as a "healthy eater", but somewhere along last year it went overboard and I got these ideas of getting good protein-to-fat/salt-to-water ratios, levels of unsaturated fats compared to saturated fats, visceral fat, burning food before its GI's complete (eat an apple, walk a mile say)-the list goes on . I've lost quite a bit of weight and have got scared to exercise like I used to because of palpitations and chest pains brought on by anxiety, but even at BMI 18 I thought I'd somehow given myself CHD from being a "pig" and it's took an ECG and ETT to give me the all clear medically and tell me everything's alright.
Anyway because of this fear I've got scared and guilty about eating anything outside of "comfort foods" which always seem to be what you may class as healthy like fruit or fish. Things like cheese and butter freak me out (I used to love cheese : ( ), I'm genuinely scared of going to my friend's barbecue tomorrow and I've still got Easter eggs out in my garage that need eating, but some days I can't eat olive spread because of the fat, fruit because of the sugar...the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I think it'd help if I could not be afraid of working out again, I do tons of walking but still think I'll die just climbing stairs because I'm so big. I don't get it, I look in the mirror and half the time I just see myself as really fat, ugly and unattractive even when family and friends say I've gone pretty skinny compared to what I was. It's almost like I look "better" immediately after exercise and "worse" immediately after eating?
I've seen the Eating Disorders service about it and think I'm EDNOS or possibly BDD but the dietician hasn't actually told me what my diagnosis is? I don't know whether it's severe enough to be treated as such. I've only dropped to BMI 17.5 at the worst of it before my parents took me to a cardiologist and explained I can't exercise until weight goes up. It's back to 20 now because I'll force myself to eat whatever I'm given for dinner and only do light exercise like walking and swimming for pleasure rather than to burn, but it feels like as long as I'm afraid to do anything more intense the guilt will remain and my body screams "cardiac arrest" or "greedy" if I have to have something like pizza because Mum's working nights. In any case I really don't want to be living with this guilt or anxiety any longer nor making those I love live with my awkward eating habits; supposed to be going to uni in September if I get the grades but my parents don't think I'm ready with my mind the way it is and might have to live at home if I go at all. Any help please
Not sure whether I have an ED or not but I definitely have a bad relationship with food. Also please avoid this if you think it might be triggering for you...
I got teased as a kid about my size and it's kinda stuck so I've spent the last few years putting "keeping fit" top of my priority list. Been fairly nutritionally aware all that time and most people would describe me as a "healthy eater", but somewhere along last year it went overboard and I got these ideas of getting good protein-to-fat/salt-to-water ratios, levels of unsaturated fats compared to saturated fats, visceral fat, burning food before its GI's complete (eat an apple, walk a mile say)-the list goes on . I've lost quite a bit of weight and have got scared to exercise like I used to because of palpitations and chest pains brought on by anxiety, but even at BMI 18 I thought I'd somehow given myself CHD from being a "pig" and it's took an ECG and ETT to give me the all clear medically and tell me everything's alright.
Anyway because of this fear I've got scared and guilty about eating anything outside of "comfort foods" which always seem to be what you may class as healthy like fruit or fish. Things like cheese and butter freak me out (I used to love cheese : ( ), I'm genuinely scared of going to my friend's barbecue tomorrow and I've still got Easter eggs out in my garage that need eating, but some days I can't eat olive spread because of the fat, fruit because of the sugar...the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I think it'd help if I could not be afraid of working out again, I do tons of walking but still think I'll die just climbing stairs because I'm so big. I don't get it, I look in the mirror and half the time I just see myself as really fat, ugly and unattractive even when family and friends say I've gone pretty skinny compared to what I was. It's almost like I look "better" immediately after exercise and "worse" immediately after eating?
I've seen the Eating Disorders service about it and think I'm EDNOS or possibly BDD but the dietician hasn't actually told me what my diagnosis is? I don't know whether it's severe enough to be treated as such. I've only dropped to BMI 17.5 at the worst of it before my parents took me to a cardiologist and explained I can't exercise until weight goes up. It's back to 20 now because I'll force myself to eat whatever I'm given for dinner and only do light exercise like walking and swimming for pleasure rather than to burn, but it feels like as long as I'm afraid to do anything more intense the guilt will remain and my body screams "cardiac arrest" or "greedy" if I have to have something like pizza because Mum's working nights. In any case I really don't want to be living with this guilt or anxiety any longer nor making those I love live with my awkward eating habits; supposed to be going to uni in September if I get the grades but my parents don't think I'm ready with my mind the way it is and might have to live at home if I go at all. Any help please
Phew! Sorry that was so long >_< whoever's bothered to read all that, thanks for biding with me there I do appreciate your patience : )
Ending on a positive note, however, I'd like to say you're all such incredibly strong people and a real inspiration to fight this illness. There's light at the end of this tunnel, everyone!
Spoiler
Original post by forsaken_earth
when does it get better
I wish I knew.
All I know is that it has to.diamonddust, yeah I've seen a psych about it at CAMHS too but as I came in primarily with Generalised Anxiety Disorder they saw the food side of things as just a symptom of that. I can't remember what my official diagnosis is sorry, but I think it's just GAD. CBT's definitely helping on both fronts, but thing is I knew more about food than I ought to even before the panic attacks, palps and chest pains exacerbated it soo bit of a chicken-and-egg, you know? : /
Thanks for the link anyway ^ ^
Thanks for the link anyway ^ ^
Original post by Riku
diamonddust, yeah I've seen a psych about it at CAMHS too but as I came in primarily with Generalised Anxiety Disorder they saw the food side of things as just a symptom of that. I can't remember what my official diagnosis is sorry, but I think it's just GAD. CBT's definitely helping on both fronts, but thing is I knew more about food than I ought to even before the panic attacks, palps and chest pains exacerbated it soo bit of a chicken-and-egg, you know? : /
Thanks for the link anyway ^ ^
Thanks for the link anyway ^ ^
No worries. Hope your CBT continues to help! And welcome to the thread!
