Hey Anon
I think you're being hard on yourself. Even if you don't think your problems are much, there are lots of things going on there. I can't go into details because I'm not a doctor or therapist so can't say for certain and don't want to misinform you. But that doesn't matter really-whether you can pinpoint a specific set of diagnostic criteria is irrelevant to the fact
you're suffering and want, need help! We don't need to compare ourselves to other sufferers, and most of the time this ends up just fuelling our own negative and self-deprecating mentalities. It's easy to forget that there's no prize for who wins at an eating disorder-there are no winners in what can become a game of life and death.
I can partly relate having begun to do similar things myself, although no-one can ever truly understand each other's own inner battles. I can tell you there's a way out of it all that hopefully we can all find together.
Although I know this might sound crazy to you right now, it's not just the over-eating which is the main problem. It's all part of the same parcel that's your relationship to food and self. Your restrictive habits of eating so little are just as much as one-in fact they're almost certainly the physical reason for why you have the moments of overeating. It's the reason that dieting rarely if ever works-it's a natural reaction when someone deprives themselves of something to eventually obsess over it, and when it's something as integral to our survival as adequate nutrition it's a response built on instinct for countless generations. It's a natural impulse and you can't fight your bodily needs, so why beat yourself up about it?
But again that's not the real problem. Why do you feel your weight or how you look decides whether you have the right to eat, determines your own individuality and self-worth? Is it not enough to feel secure in the knowledge that you're an intelligent and unique person? Have you ever wondered if maybe one of the other girls wanted to be
you? Just something to think about. You give yourself less credit than you deserve.
It's great that you recognise there feel ready to open up to us on this thread. How would you feel about speaking to someone in person about it, your GP or someone you trust? Would you feel comfortably speaking to your mum about it? I think it'd help if you feel confident enough to tell her how you really feel. It's hard when those we love don't seem to understand what we're going through.