Hi, I just wanted to share my story because it helps being able to just get it out of my mind. Never posted here before and I'm sorry if this becomes a rambly-rant.
I was diagnosed with Anorexia in October 2010 and I'm about to sit my final A Level modules in 2 weeks.
I have a weird relationship with this illness (well everyone does) because a lot of the time I almost think I am not worthy of the label. I know that I am quite an unstable person, I have terrible mood swings from being perfectly happy to really angry. Little things set me off, like for example one of my parents may hum a tune and it will really irritate me and I can end up breaking things because I want them to stop.
I am both emotionally needy as well as a loner (odd combo I know). With my friends, if I get left out (it happened quite a lot last year as I joined a group of friends who've known each other since primary so I was the new girl in the group) I would get really upset about it and go through various "They're not my friends, they just use me, I'm always the go-to person when they've got nothing better to do" even sometimes when it wasn't intentional. But then at the flick of the switch there is nothing I want more than to be left alone for days on end. I don't really connect well with other people, and I'm indifferent to things like relationships.
I've had spells of depressive episodes (it was especially bad before my AS results last year when I had plans to try and end my life) that come and go, but I tend to almost go through more of a rapid cycle now.
I do have a real obsession with fictional characters. For some reason I identify with them and understand them in a way I don't have with real people. One character (Doctor Ruth Winters in Casualty in case you're curious) I feel could actually be me. I am like her in so many aspects which is scary because she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (which I know I don't have, but I go through stages of trawling Wikipedia attempting self-diagnoses). But for years now I have desperately wanted to be fictional characters, to get away from my life and live in a different life.
Sorry I'm rambling/going off the point.
I was one of few kids who went to my secondary school and I spent three/four years being used by people and drifting from group to group. I am cripplingly shy with new people but when I get to know people well I can become very (and I hate it) outspoken. I cringe at myself all the time. I went through a stage where I was (and still am) good friends with a girl who is beautiful. She was naturally skinny, perfect looks and perfect clothes. I was unfashionable, a bit frumpy and pudgy. I eventually moved to a new set of friends but I was already in a cycle.
I had lost some weight naturally and was pretty thin. But it was during my GCSE year things started getting serious. I began restricting slightly and lost weight and got taken to my GP who told me to eat a bit more.
The summer was on/and off skipping breakfast but then eating chocolate bars.
But when I went back to Sixth Form they spiralled downwards. I had more control- I'm an only child and my Mother is very protective and overbearing and doesn't work much so does all meals for us- and began dumping lunch at school. All my friends knew though I tried to make excuses but no-one ever tried to do anything. I also started working in a clothes shop where I would spend hours waiting in changing rooms serving customers and staring at my reflection in a mirror.
The tipping point was a school trip in October for 5 days. At home my breakfasts and large evening meals were eaten with my Mother but this trip gave me freedom. I survived on chewing gum, diet coke and the odd mouthfull of sandwich for the whole trip and nearly passed out on several occasions. My teacher noticed (bless her) and tried to talk to me about it and I broke down, but deflected everything. I did notice my friends and my teacher having discussions about me but the thought made me really angry with them.
I came home & my weight had dropped low (BMI was 15) and the next day my Mother came home from work (her boss is one of my friend's mum who had told her all about it) and the next day I went to see the GP. I was transferred to CAMHS and saw a woman I HATED and continued losing weight before being moved to out-patient treatment in a hospital. They wanted me taken out of school but I refused b/c for me, I cannot handle failure and not going to University is failure. I had to leave school every day to eat lunch in my Mum's car outside the gates and went once a week for appointments with a therapist and dietician.
This was a year and a half ago. It's been a rollorcoaster ride b/c I was threatened with not being allowed to go to Uni if I didn't recover. So my recovery was not so much choice but force. Now however, I can recognise that I was ill. I looked like I was on drugs, I had no energy to even concentrate in class and I was angry all the time. There were hundreds of arguments and I feel horrible at the amount of times I told my Mother I hated her.
At the moment I am now on a maintenance plan of sorts (really eating what I want to some extent) and my last ever out-patient appointment is scheduled for June (right after my last A Level exam, party woo!) so I am sooooo close to being free of this place.
I know I'm not recovered though. I still control everything and I'm always calculating in my head. I've had problems recently as well that I have a crazy fast metabolism and my maintenance plan is making me lose weight. I've lost nearly half of what I put on since I've been in recovery. Now I'm stuck b/c I like how I look even though I know that I look like a walking skeleton but everyday I'm still having "see that fat there" thoughts and then trying to submerge it with rationale. I know I need to put a little bit more on but I just can't make myself do it. Now I'm driving myself crazy with this stupid battle in my head which I really don't need with my exams a few weeks away.
The main problem I've got is with my stomach. I've got a slightly extra curved spine which causes my stomach to stick out slightly. But because I've 'not got much padding' whenever I eat I notice my stomach stick out more. By the end of the day I feel horrible. I can't wear anything clingy to my stomach b/c I am so self conscious of it. Even though I know I am making it worse because you can see my ribs and hipbones, but it is all I see.
I'm sorry, I don't even know if there's been a point to this post, but kind of getting it out of my head helps, frees up a bit of space for some revision.
Feel free to ignore all of this.