Hi, I'd just like a bit of advice really. I think I come accross as a confident, fun and outgoing person when I'm with my friends and family. Recently though I've become really unhappy with my body, to the point where it feels like it's consuming everything. I don't think anyone would really notice unless I told them because I don't really show it. I feel so frustrated because I feel like such a cliche, just another teenage girl who's obsessed with the way she looks and I wish I didn't feel like this because it just seems so negative and attention seeking but I don't seem to be able to control it. I saw so many of my friends go through weightloss phases a few years ago but I never worried much about my figure as I've grown up doing a lot of sport and being very toned/having high metabolism etc. I'm only a bit less toned than a couple of years ago but I'm not used to the change and although other people might say they'd love to have my figure, it can't change how I feel about myself, it seems like such a big deal to me. I feel like it probably sounds a bit ridiculous and I hate how shallow it might seem to others, especially considering I've never been like this before and got through school without conforming to any of these kinds of pressures. But something has suddenly changed and it's like it's uncontrollable, it makes me so unhappy sometimes, I just hate myself.
It wasn't until I started uni this year (just finished my first year) that this started. In first term I didn't drink much but I loved the satisfaction of being able to control what I ate and being proud on days when I unintentionally barely ate anything and I know I'd lost weight by Christmas. Then in second term I started drinking and I know that's what changed my shape a little. Lots of people don't like their figures I know, but I've become obsessed with it, I hate it so much now and all I seem to do is think about being thin again, constantly thinking about how I'm going to 'fix it'. I also suffer from OCD and the two sometimes seem to go hand in hand, so I'm kind of worried that my controlling tendencies might have the potential to make all of this even worse. Also, in school when I was pretty happy with the way I looked I did always used to think that if I didn't have my body/wasn't lucky enough to be able to eat a lot and not notice it, I might have the tendency to develop an eating disorder. So I did kind of potentially worry about myself if I wasn't in that position, and I guess that's kind of starting to happen now...
It feels so lonely sometimes as I don't feel like I can talk about it. Every other aspect of my life is great, I have little to complain about and I'm otherwise very happy but this just seems to smother things a bit :/ The only way out I can see is to get thin until I'm happy, despite how dangerous that sounds. I reckon I might be alright because I was happy before my body started to change so I kind of think if I got to where I want to be I'd be able to not let it go any further... I'm not sure though, that seems a bit naive...
So basically I'm a bit scared by how strong these feelings are, I'm not saying I have an eating disorder or that I'm going to develop one as clearly this is just the beginning of something. I just don't really know what to do though
And I don't think I can see a way out of this, it seems like a downward spiral
Thanks for reading, sorry it was a bit long! And any advice would be greatly appreciated.