Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Sadly, I am taking this morning's outcome rather harshly.
Having not budged from about 8 stone 6 at a 3000 calorie boost for a week, I was upped to 3500 calories per day. Obviously I cannot exercise as my bones shatter at the slightest impact. This weekend I ate my allocated 3500 calories whilst staying at a friend's house for the past two days. Now, I have returned home and tried my jeans. My usually-tight jeans now won't even do up the top TWO buttons. I can't put on one of my rings on my finger. And I was thinking it was psychological, until I did a very stupid thing.
Hello, bathroom scales. Let's see the damage. I was, what, 118lbs before? Probably at this rate, calculated out, I must be about 119.5, perhaps 120.
122 lbs. In two days, four pounds gain, and though this happened before, I didn't experience such intense bloating and swelling to this degree. My face and hands are like wasps have stung me; swollen and red.
Did anyone experience massive, intense spurts in weight gain, swelling and bloating at high-intake recovery points?
Spoilered, and probably best only for the further-recovered to read.
Original post by TotoMimo
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Spoiler
Original post by TotoMimo
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Spoiler
Original post by Anonymous
Today I was on a weekend away with my family and we were at dinner. My dad looks at me when I get my dinner and goes 'Jesus, you're really going mad! Wow' because I had a plate full. I'd picked all vegetables, and a bit of chicken stir fry. And salad. It was a buffet but I'd gone for my 'healthy safe options'. Dessert consisted of chocolate sauce on fruit, to which my Dad comments 'you're really stuffing your face, great to see'.
It's these comments which really destroy my attempts to be carefree and enjoy my food because it just reminds me how much I'm eating and I feel so guilty. Salad and chicken with some fruit and chocolate really shouldn't cause that much guilt but it can be so harmful to progress when someone makes a comment like that.
It's these comments which really destroy my attempts to be carefree and enjoy my food because it just reminds me how much I'm eating and I feel so guilty. Salad and chicken with some fruit and chocolate really shouldn't cause that much guilt but it can be so harmful to progress when someone makes a comment like that.
Does your dad know that you find these comments hard to deal with?
I had a similar thing with family members... They were just trying to be supportive, but me (well, my ed) took their comments negatively. For example, I hated hearing "You're looking healthy again!" or "Oh, you're eating a lot now. That's good!". Comments like that really knocked me back, when they were just trying to be positive/supportive.
I think parents and family members don't know what to say or how to help. Maybe try explaining that you find particular comments unhelpful? That's what I did, and it's been really helpful in recovery
Original post by TotoMimo
Sadly, I am taking this morning's outcome rather harshly.
Having not budged from about 8 stone 6 at a 3000 calorie boost for a week, I was upped to 3500 calories per day. Obviously I cannot exercise as my bones shatter at the slightest impact. This weekend I ate my allocated 3500 calories whilst staying at a friend's house for the past two days. Now, I have returned home and tried my jeans. My usually-tight jeans now won't even do up the top TWO buttons. I can't put on one of my rings on my finger. And I was thinking it was psychological, until I did a very stupid thing.
Hello, bathroom scales. Let's see the damage. I was, what, 118lbs before? Probably at this rate, calculated out, I must be about 119.5, perhaps 120.
122 lbs. In two days, four pounds gain, and though this happened before, I didn't experience such intense bloating and swelling to this degree. My face and hands are like wasps have stung me; swollen and red.
Did anyone experience massive, intense spurts in weight gain, swelling and bloating at high-intake recovery points?
Sadly, I am taking this morning's outcome rather harshly.
Having not budged from about 8 stone 6 at a 3000 calorie boost for a week, I was upped to 3500 calories per day. Obviously I cannot exercise as my bones shatter at the slightest impact. This weekend I ate my allocated 3500 calories whilst staying at a friend's house for the past two days. Now, I have returned home and tried my jeans. My usually-tight jeans now won't even do up the top TWO buttons. I can't put on one of my rings on my finger. And I was thinking it was psychological, until I did a very stupid thing.
Hello, bathroom scales. Let's see the damage. I was, what, 118lbs before? Probably at this rate, calculated out, I must be about 119.5, perhaps 120.
122 lbs. In two days, four pounds gain, and though this happened before, I didn't experience such intense bloating and swelling to this degree. My face and hands are like wasps have stung me; swollen and red.
Did anyone experience massive, intense spurts in weight gain, swelling and bloating at high-intake recovery points?
Spoilered, and probably best only for the further-recovered to read.
I know it seems a dramatic jump up from you but as you said, you were on 3000 with no movement, now they've budged you up 500 kcals, for what purpose? To see some movement! And I know it seems a lot in a short time to you but your body (in my experience) initially reacts in quite a dramatic way to any sort of slight diet change and then your metabolism gets used to it and the gain slows down a great deal. It's my bet that in a week or two, you'll eat the same 3500 and only have gained the same amount as you've seen already. And it wont seem so scary having been over a larger time period, no? x
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by porridgeandrhi
Does your dad know that you find these comments hard to deal with?
I had a similar thing with family members... They were just trying to be supportive, but me (well, my ed) took their comments negatively. For example, I hated hearing "You're looking healthy again!" or "Oh, you're eating a lot now. That's good!". Comments like that really knocked me back, when they were just trying to be positive/supportive.
I think parents and family members don't know what to say or how to help. Maybe try explaining that you find particular comments unhelpful? That's what I did, and it's been really helpful in recovery
I had a similar thing with family members... They were just trying to be supportive, but me (well, my ed) took their comments negatively. For example, I hated hearing "You're looking healthy again!" or "Oh, you're eating a lot now. That's good!". Comments like that really knocked me back, when they were just trying to be positive/supportive.
I think parents and family members don't know what to say or how to help. Maybe try explaining that you find particular comments unhelpful? That's what I did, and it's been really helpful in recovery
thank you
he's not trying to be mean, and despite my attempts to explain to him that his comments aren't helpful, he just doesn't listen. Sigh! but thank you for your advice and kindness Cinnie, Melissa, your comments are incredibly helpful. I feel excruciatingly bloated but at least I took the intuition to confide in mum and dad today to say it was overwhelming me, that water, salt, fat - all types of rapid retention I'd experienced through this rather radical recovery step had left me feeling utterly galled - and it was because I had lost control.
I had calculated to the caloric retention rate how much i should gain per day, at this rate. Of course as you said, the body is not a simplistic logic machine and no matter how many equations I use to calculate things - some days I don't gain an ounce, and other days, BLAM, several pounds.
My mum said something rather profound though - "I see it as a blessing. It's like a shadow coming back into the world just a wee bit faster."
I had calculated to the caloric retention rate how much i should gain per day, at this rate. Of course as you said, the body is not a simplistic logic machine and no matter how many equations I use to calculate things - some days I don't gain an ounce, and other days, BLAM, several pounds.
My mum said something rather profound though - "I see it as a blessing. It's like a shadow coming back into the world just a wee bit faster."
Today I was told I was "medium build". It didn't affect me like I thought it would. Before, that would've made me thing I wasn't any extreme, and thus I had failed at proving the radicals of my life. Now, I understand I am radicals in other, more important ways.
How would YOU feel if someone referred to you with the same term? I am interested from a spectator seat.
How would YOU feel if someone referred to you with the same term? I am interested from a spectator seat.
Original post by TotoMimo
Today I was told I was "medium build". It didn't affect me like I thought it would. Before, that would've made me thing I wasn't any extreme, and thus I had failed at proving the radicals of my life. Now, I understand I am radicals in other, more important ways.
How would YOU feel if someone referred to you with the same term? I am interested from a spectator seat.
How would YOU feel if someone referred to you with the same term? I am interested from a spectator seat.
This made me think a lot. I'm not sure how I'd feel, if I'm honest. I think medium is open to interpretation. It can be healthy, normal, well. But then the ED side of me may think, 'average' as in, 'not good enough' 'could be better'
Original post by MelissaJayne
This made me think a lot. I'm not sure how I'd feel, if I'm honest. I think medium is open to interpretation. It can be healthy, normal, well. But then the ED side of me may think, 'average' as in, 'not good enough' 'could be better'
Exactly!! The most frustrating thing in the world is that outsiders assume that we are inherently a vain people through our disorder. In reality we are very much a person obsessed with the spectral limitation.
We assume the role of martyr. We think if we go to total extremes, we will garner the RIGHT attention. Too skinny? Too unwell? Hell, doesn't matter which one we choose, we're still getting relevant input. Like the child who cries despite having no ailment or pain, we make ourselves heard in the most extreme of ways.
To be told I must be at LEAST nine stones shortly, and that I MUST be average or above to see bone regeneration, weight-wise, is a scary thing to me in general though. To be told I have to relinquish the extremist, the "unique" aspects of me - that's scary.
But once again it's scary in a way that's not entirely real. It's not a way we should regard as "true." I have seen your photographs Melissa; you are way, WAY too skinny. Not slim, SKINNY. You have little flesh to your bones, and it isn't appealing to me.
How did my harsh statement hit you? Did it hurt? Or did you have a mild sense of pride in there? If the latter even SLIGHTLY rings true then you are still in the throes of the disease.
This disorder is all a massive SOS. HELP ME!
When we whittle down all other options, this is what we cling to.
It's why recovering anorexics attempt the most crazy, extremist behaviours by default. Smoking? Drugs? Drag Racing? Whatever. We're all prone to it. The pursuit of being the exception.
Except Melissa is the exception for being the exception to the exception. And therein lies a massive mind***k - to everyone else, you are exceptional because we know you are exceptional for attempting to be the exeption. But if you were more "average", you'd be far more exciting by this equation! Because you'd be more healed, more mentallly advanced, more READY for life. XXX
Original post by TotoMimo
Exactly!! The most frustrating thing in the world is that outsiders assume that we are inherently a vain people through our disorder. In reality we are very much a person obsessed with the spectral limitation.
We assume the role of martyr. We think if we go to total extremes, we will garner the RIGHT attention. Too skinny? Too unwell? Hell, doesn't matter which one we choose, we're still getting relevant input. Like the child who cries despite having no ailment or pain, we make ourselves heard in the most extreme of ways.
To be told I must be at LEAST nine stones shortly, and that I MUST be average or above to see bone regeneration, weight-wise, is a scary thing to me in general though. To be told I have to relinquish the extremist, the "unique" aspects of me - that's scary.
But once again it's scary in a way that's not entirely real. It's not a way we should regard as "true." I have seen your photographs Melissa; you are way, WAY too skinny. Not slim, SKINNY. You have little flesh to your bones, and it isn't appealing to me.
How did my harsh statement hit you? Did it hurt? Or did you have a mild sense of pride in there? If the latter even SLIGHTLY rings true then you are still in the throes of the disease.
This disorder is all a massive SOS. HELP ME!
When we whittle down all other options, this is what we cling to.
It's why recovering anorexics attempt the most crazy, extremist behaviours by default. Smoking? Drugs? Drag Racing? Whatever. We're all prone to it. The pursuit of being the exception.
Except Melissa is the exception for being the exception to the exception. And therein lies a massive mind***k - to everyone else, you are exceptional because we know you are exceptional for attempting to be the exeption. But if you were more "average", you'd be far more exciting by this equation! Because you'd be more healed, more mentallly advanced, more READY for life. XXX
We assume the role of martyr. We think if we go to total extremes, we will garner the RIGHT attention. Too skinny? Too unwell? Hell, doesn't matter which one we choose, we're still getting relevant input. Like the child who cries despite having no ailment or pain, we make ourselves heard in the most extreme of ways.
To be told I must be at LEAST nine stones shortly, and that I MUST be average or above to see bone regeneration, weight-wise, is a scary thing to me in general though. To be told I have to relinquish the extremist, the "unique" aspects of me - that's scary.
But once again it's scary in a way that's not entirely real. It's not a way we should regard as "true." I have seen your photographs Melissa; you are way, WAY too skinny. Not slim, SKINNY. You have little flesh to your bones, and it isn't appealing to me.
How did my harsh statement hit you? Did it hurt? Or did you have a mild sense of pride in there? If the latter even SLIGHTLY rings true then you are still in the throes of the disease.
This disorder is all a massive SOS. HELP ME!
When we whittle down all other options, this is what we cling to.
It's why recovering anorexics attempt the most crazy, extremist behaviours by default. Smoking? Drugs? Drag Racing? Whatever. We're all prone to it. The pursuit of being the exception.
Except Melissa is the exception for being the exception to the exception. And therein lies a massive mind***k - to everyone else, you are exceptional because we know you are exceptional for attempting to be the exeption. But if you were more "average", you'd be far more exciting by this equation! Because you'd be more healed, more mentallly advanced, more READY for life. XXX
This all rang very, very true. And once again, I thank you for opening my eyes. I am an analytical person on everything but sometimes I become so blind to myself and lose all sense of logic and reason. Thanks for putting my feet back on the ground! XX
Original post by TotoMimo
Today I was told I was "medium build". It didn't affect me like I thought it would. Before, that would've made me thing I wasn't any extreme, and thus I had failed at proving the radicals of my life. Now, I understand I am radicals in other, more important ways.
How would YOU feel if someone referred to you with the same term? I am interested from a spectator seat.
How would YOU feel if someone referred to you with the same term? I am interested from a spectator seat.
Honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone referring to my body as any sort of build. I don't know why - but I think if someone told me I was "medium build" I would forget about it a lot more quickly than if someone referred to me as "skinny" or "big". So I guess that's something
xxSorry 
^
^Guys, next time I come to the belief that living with sleep deprivation is an admirable display of mental resilience and self-control, please kindly slap me silly :P
Original post by Riku
Guys, next time I come to the belief that living with sleep deprivation is an admirable display of mental resilience and self-control, please kindly slap me silly :P
sleep deprivation is bad riku. 4 hrs sleep a night for a month during exams was fun </sarcasm>
Original post by .snowflake.
sleep deprivation is bad riku. 4 hrs sleep a night for a month during exams was fun </sarcasm>
Day 3 of sensible sleep time and feeling a lot better for it!
I slipped up a little tonight because I started getting uber-excited about Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 Remix (hence the pic :P) but I'm coming off now. Tiredness setting in. Still off at 11.15 is miles better than awake until 5.
are you sleeping better now, Snow ?
Original post by Riku
Day 3 of sensible sleep time and feeling a lot better for it!
I slipped up a little tonight because I started getting uber-excited about Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 Remix (hence the pic :P) but I'm coming off now. Tiredness setting in. Still off at 11.15 is miles better than awake until 5.
are you sleeping better now, Snow ?
I slipped up a little tonight because I started getting uber-excited about Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 Remix (hence the pic :P) but I'm coming off now. Tiredness setting in. Still off at 11.15 is miles better than awake until 5.
are you sleeping better now, Snow ?
yep. it's getting to the point where i can go to sleep at 10pm. Dad's having to get me up at 11am the following morning before he gets ready for work, otherwise he knows I'd still be in bed at 5pm when mum gets home.
I'm not normally like this, this is a combination of sleep deprivations, and my anxiety being horrible. Can we take a moment to wonder how the hell i passed first year? And i don't just mean scraped through either...
Might trigger:
Did anyone else do this? Any ideas on how to stop?
Spoiler
Did anyone else do this? Any ideas on how to stop?
Original post by Anonymous
Might trigger:
Did anyone else do this? Any ideas on how to stop?
Spoiler
Did anyone else do this? Any ideas on how to stop?
Eating is the only effective way to stop being hungry. We are all pro recovery here.
So I've been gone for a while, things haven't exactly been going great recently .. holiday was a nightmare, I think I knew deep down I wasn't ready for it, bikini bodies everywhere and my friends forcing me to eat and shouting when I couldn't or ate what wasn't deemed enough for them but is massive amounts for me. When I explained that in my sessions with the PWP we have agreed on small achievable goals, currently my friends said that I was attention seeking and didn't really have a problem. One of the girls on holiday with us has parents who both work in mental health. They have both meant me once and we havent shared more than 5 words. My 'friend' said that her parents could tell just by looking at me that I dont have an eating disorder which obviously triggered so many bad thoughts, resulting in a VERY stupid thing on holiday. I just feel like I was getting so far and now I have taken a million steps backwards. I feel like they must be right. All of them were screaming at me that I'm an attention seeker and that I'm fine. They cant all be wrong. Especially when two mental health experts said that. I just dont know anymore. I dont know what to do. I thought I could beat this. But now I feel like I dont have anything to beat... I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I'm just a bit of a mess
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