Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Snowy, I once thought as you do, and that's why I almost ended up killing myself. There IS no limit. You will diet and diet until... quite aptly, you no longer die-t, you merely die.
I keep saying it on this thread, but the only way to be a great anorexic, to truly excel at it, is to kill yourself by it. Because once again, I'm repeating myself, but the strongest phrase I always use is - you'll be as skinny as you'll ever be when you're lying six feet under - then you won't HAVE any pesky matter on your bones!
I suggest you look through the past two pages, we talk a lot about the self-depreciative nature of the disorder and how a lot of the time, it's because you feel you have no other innate "talent" or "strength". You're not REALLY good at starving yourself, you've set up a set of arbitrary, pointless rules that mean nothing in the real world. The elation you're feeling is all fake; fabricated by your mind.
Alternatively you COULD get skinny as all hell as I did, but unlike me at that stage of mere weeks to live, with Kidney and Liver failure, yellow skin, arguing with them that I'm "still not light enough", decide that life IS the lesser option, and just call it a day? I'm sure even the most devout, deluded person would question that. X
I keep saying it on this thread, but the only way to be a great anorexic, to truly excel at it, is to kill yourself by it. Because once again, I'm repeating myself, but the strongest phrase I always use is - you'll be as skinny as you'll ever be when you're lying six feet under - then you won't HAVE any pesky matter on your bones!
I suggest you look through the past two pages, we talk a lot about the self-depreciative nature of the disorder and how a lot of the time, it's because you feel you have no other innate "talent" or "strength". You're not REALLY good at starving yourself, you've set up a set of arbitrary, pointless rules that mean nothing in the real world. The elation you're feeling is all fake; fabricated by your mind.
Alternatively you COULD get skinny as all hell as I did, but unlike me at that stage of mere weeks to live, with Kidney and Liver failure, yellow skin, arguing with them that I'm "still not light enough", decide that life IS the lesser option, and just call it a day? I'm sure even the most devout, deluded person would question that. X
Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain
been a while since I've cried over a meal. Whoops.
-hugs- Timewarpy, you're alive!!
balls. That was me.
Tomorrow I go to a private doctor specialist to look at my stomach because I keep getting stomach ulcers. I'm really scared about what they're going to say to me... My Dad will be with me and he has no idea I've struggled with anorexia for the last 7 years.
Original post by Anonymous
Tomorrow I go to a private doctor specialist to look at my stomach because I keep getting stomach ulcers. I'm really scared about what they're going to say to me... My Dad will be with me and he has no idea I've struggled with anorexia for the last 7 years.
Well, good luck my friend. But please do not lie. The temptation is to say "I have no idea why my stomach is riddled with acidic ulcers!" but you must be honest. Otherwise it will get worse, the pain will intensify, and time will pass, getting harder to talk to your loved ones.
Original post by TotoMimo
Snowy, I once thought as you do, and that's why I almost ended up killing myself. There IS no limit. You will diet and diet until... quite aptly, you no longer die-t, you merely die.
I keep saying it on this thread, but the only way to be a great anorexic, to truly excel at it, is to kill yourself by it. Because once again, I'm repeating myself, but the strongest phrase I always use is - you'll be as skinny as you'll ever be when you're lying six feet under - then you won't HAVE any pesky matter on your bones!
I suggest you look through the past two pages, we talk a lot about the self-depreciative nature of the disorder and how a lot of the time, it's because you feel you have no other innate "talent" or "strength". You're not REALLY good at starving yourself, you've set up a set of arbitrary, pointless rules that mean nothing in the real world. The elation you're feeling is all fake; fabricated by your mind.
Alternatively you COULD get skinny as all hell as I did, but unlike me at that stage of mere weeks to live, with Kidney and Liver failure, yellow skin, arguing with them that I'm "still not light enough", decide that life IS the lesser option, and just call it a day? I'm sure even the most devout, deluded person would question that. X
I keep saying it on this thread, but the only way to be a great anorexic, to truly excel at it, is to kill yourself by it. Because once again, I'm repeating myself, but the strongest phrase I always use is - you'll be as skinny as you'll ever be when you're lying six feet under - then you won't HAVE any pesky matter on your bones!
I suggest you look through the past two pages, we talk a lot about the self-depreciative nature of the disorder and how a lot of the time, it's because you feel you have no other innate "talent" or "strength". You're not REALLY good at starving yourself, you've set up a set of arbitrary, pointless rules that mean nothing in the real world. The elation you're feeling is all fake; fabricated by your mind.
Alternatively you COULD get skinny as all hell as I did, but unlike me at that stage of mere weeks to live, with Kidney and Liver failure, yellow skin, arguing with them that I'm "still not light enough", decide that life IS the lesser option, and just call it a day? I'm sure even the most devout, deluded person would question that. X
I know
the incredibly blunt and logical side of me knows all this. As yet... There's a small voice at the back of my mind that says "but you're still FAT. Come on, just cut out a few things... Lose a few kilos... You can stop whenever you want to". But therein lies the problem. I know I am not capable of stopping. If I weren't with my partner I honestly think I would be dead by now. I realise how futile and draining this must be for you, hearing all this from me... I'm so sorry.
Original post by .snowflake.
balls. That was me.
Yes I am
Had a really awful 6 months but only made me more determined.How are you doing?
Original post by TotoMimo
Well, good luck my friend. But please do not lie. The temptation is to say "I have no idea why my stomach is riddled with acidic ulcers!" but you must be honest. Otherwise it will get worse, the pain will intensify, and time will pass, getting harder to talk to your loved ones.
Thanks Totes, you wonderful wonderful person.
Original post by snowyowl
I know the incredibly blunt and logical side of me knows all this. As yet... There's a small voice at the back of my mind that says "but you're still FAT. Come on, just cut out a few things... Lose a few kilos... You can stop whenever you want to". But therein lies the problem. I know I am not capable of stopping. If I weren't with my partner I honestly think I would be dead by now.
the incredibly blunt and logical side of me knows all this. As yet... There's a small voice at the back of my mind that says "but you're still FAT. Come on, just cut out a few things... Lose a few kilos... You can stop whenever you want to". But therein lies the problem. I know I am not capable of stopping. If I weren't with my partner I honestly think I would be dead by now. I realise how futile and draining this must be for you, hearing all this from me... I'm so sorry.
I won't lie, trying to talk to someone who understands logic yet defies it regardless is one of the most teeth-gritting experiences ever... so please, understand how your FAMILY must feel!
Original post by TotoMimo
The more you starve yourself, the more you will have to gain beyond your comfort zone to heal yourself, and that is medical fact.
X
The more you starve yourself, the more you will have to gain beyond your comfort zone to heal yourself, and that is medical fact.
X
wow I didn't know that.....hearing that from the doctors must have been horrible for you. How are you doing now?
Original post by PonchoKid
Have you ever tried jotting down thoughts and emotions?
I've started doing that whenever I've been feeling exasperated - seems to lighten the load.
Original post by Anonymous
Have you ever tried jotting down thoughts and emotions?
I've started doing that whenever I've been feeling exasperated - seems to lighten the load.
I've started doing that whenever I've been feeling exasperated - seems to lighten the load.
No, I managed to write a positive diary once, but I couldn't keep it up
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Well after foolishly thinking I had been doing well the past few weeks, I started bingeing again. I have not binged for about 8 months and while I thought I was speedily moving towards ED recovery, this is certainly an emotional set back. But luckily enough just when I was feeling absolute self-loathing and failure I turned to this thread and found many people offering advice and help with just my problem, so I thank you for that. 
But I was wondering if anyone could answer a question that has been bothering me – when reading different things on the internet, the causes of bingeing is either said to be a physical response where your body is telling you that “You must eat” or they say it is psychological and that it just a stop-gap to help you deal with your emotions; I wanted to know what you all thought was the most prominent, emotional or physical causes, or is it a combination of the two?
But I was wondering if anyone could answer a question that has been bothering me – when reading different things on the internet, the causes of bingeing is either said to be a physical response where your body is telling you that “You must eat” or they say it is psychological and that it just a stop-gap to help you deal with your emotions; I wanted to know what you all thought was the most prominent, emotional or physical causes, or is it a combination of the two?
Original post by MasterDoig
Well after foolishly thinking I had been doing well the past few weeks, I started bingeing again. I have not binged for about 8 months and while I thought I was speedily moving towards ED recovery, this is certainly an emotional set back. But luckily enough just when I was feeling absolute self-loathing and failure I turned to this thread and found many people offering advice and help with just my problem, so I thank you for that.
But I was wondering if anyone could answer a question that has been bothering me – when reading different things on the internet, the causes of bingeing is either said to be a physical response where your body is telling you that “You must eat” or they say it is psychological and that it just a stop-gap to help you deal with your emotions; I wanted to know what you all thought was the most prominent, emotional or physical causes, or is it a combination of the two?
But I was wondering if anyone could answer a question that has been bothering me – when reading different things on the internet, the causes of bingeing is either said to be a physical response where your body is telling you that “You must eat” or they say it is psychological and that it just a stop-gap to help you deal with your emotions; I wanted to know what you all thought was the most prominent, emotional or physical causes, or is it a combination of the two?
Doig my man, the easy, patronising, but sadly TRUE answer is - if you eat when you are not physically HUNGRY, ie, if you stomach is not growling - then you are just eating. You are not satisfying hunger. Believe it or not scientists still cite the "tummy grumble" as the most accurate gauge of hunger.
So if you are just eating without any form of tumble-grumble you are eating for non-physiological reasons. One of the major reasons people binge on food is a very strange, very poignant reason that hits a raw nerve with me. Emptiness.
If a person feels a degree of emptiness in their life, then they are prone to exert themselves to fill it. Some people take a load of drugs. Some people have a lot of meaningless sex. They don't HAVE to be all about happiness, or love - some people just want to fill a void missing from their lives.
You never see another animal binge-eating. It's our psychological programming. Our intellects. We don't have binary subconscious; we have multi-faceted unconscious thought. So where an animal might think, "There is food. I am not hungry. Therefore I will not eat the food", but simultaneously think, "I wish I had a mate, but there is food. The food is not related to my issue, I will continue to find a mate" - we have a different strategy.
If we feel the more difficult task is unattainable we then seek to fill the void by using other solutions we know are attainable. Why do you think depressed individuals turn to drink and drugs? A depressed person yearns for personal happiness. The seed of the issue might be the lack of a good job, for example. But this takes work, dedication, revision of CV, continuous applications, denial, denial, no thanks, no thanks, continuous raking of the spirit. But twenty quid down at the pub, and you can feel better in an afternoon.
You binge eat because you know that's what fills a void in a different part of your physiology. But the seed of the problem lies elsewhere. Think of it as having a bucket of blue paint, red paint, and yellow paint. When your yellow paint has run dry, your subconscious knows the yellow paint shop is ten miles away, but the blue paint shop is next door. All you end up telling yourself is, "I'm running out of paint!" - you abbreviate the problem. Suddenly you're overflowing with blue paint because you forgot yourself what you were replenishing. The blue paint shop was so close it was the easiest solution to replenish the issue.
I would say you need to think very long and hard about what void you're trying to fill in your life, because it exists and it is very, very destructive in the long-run. X
I managed to eat a full, proper three meals today without too much worry 
...except my stomach really hurts. oh well.
...except my stomach really hurts.
oh well.Original post by TotoMimo
I would say you need to think very long and hard about what void you're trying to fill in your life, because it exists and it is very, very destructive in the long-run. X
Toto, I have to say that your answer has definitely put some things in perspective for me. I should be happy with my life, I have nearly everything I have dreamed about since I was 5 (mainly that I got a place in Uni to study medicine) but I think that there must still be something missing.
I think that I probably am desperately missing all the friends that I alienated and distanced myself from because of my ED, maybe to fill that void I should try contacting some of them again or maybe even try and make some new friends (although then I feel like a terrified little shy boy again) It certainly will be difficult but I have to do something because I certainly do not wont to continue this painful cycle. Thank You for the wake-up call,
Original post by MasterDoig
Toto, I have to say that your answer has definitely put some things in perspective for me. I should be happy with my life, I have nearly everything I have dreamed about since I was 5 (mainly that I got a place in Uni to study medicine) but I think that there must still be something missing.
I think that I probably am desperately missing all the friends that I alienated and distanced myself from because of my ED, maybe to fill that void I should try contacting some of them again or maybe even try and make some new friends (although then I feel like a terrified little shy boy again) It certainly will be difficult but I have to do something because I certainly do not wont to continue this painful cycle. Thank You for the wake-up call,
I think that I probably am desperately missing all the friends that I alienated and distanced myself from because of my ED, maybe to fill that void I should try contacting some of them again or maybe even try and make some new friends (although then I feel like a terrified little shy boy again) It certainly will be difficult but I have to do something because I certainly do not wont to continue this painful cycle. Thank You for the wake-up call,
Trust me my friend, it takes a big man to say that. To be honest we are all that shy little boy. When I got revoltingly ill, a skeletal version of myself that could hardly walk, I almost revelled in that moment. "Ha ha! Check me, I'm getting light as hell!" - only all my peers pitied me and a lot of them gasped in terror. One of my school friends asked me if I had been fighting cancer long. It was really a wakeup call.
When I came back, sheepish and ashamed, weight-restored and "hella pudgy", I thought they would laugh at me, all chubby and shy. They instead told me I was "back to myself", that I was "cute and sexy", and that they'd missed me.
Why would anyone ever kill themselves to be this creature of self-doubt when those around you would never view you with the evil scrutiny that an ED does?
Your void is likely your loneliness. People of higher IQs tend to isolate themselves and forget the most important variable - insight. The input of others. We become logic monsters that see only the data online and think it's gospel. Only that stuff is just online, and it exists elsewhere. Tampa Bay, Ontario, Tokyo - wherever it's cited from, it's not YOU. It's not YOUR home town, YOUR place, YOUR home, and it's no reflection of YOU.
The only accurate representation of your life is you, and you LIVING it!
http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2013/5/14/remission-accomplished-what-does-it-signify.html
Worth a look for anyone
Hope everybody's OK X
Worth a look for anyone
Hope everybody's OK X
Toto you are amaaaazing loving your last few posts. I've also found that as well as the emotional causes you've addressed, it also becomes addictive because there are short term physical rewards - ie sugar highs, which is why when i have a day higher in sugar, the next day i am more likely to feel a random urge to binge out of the blue (and its not psychological, as in its not because i felt guilty for eating the sugar). Even if things are now not empty, you will still get urges because it has become a pattern that your brain is used to, but riding the wave makes it a pointless waste of energy for your brain to scream 'binge!' for hours... And so it lessens and eventually stops.
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loving your last few posts. I've also found that as well as the emotional causes you've addressed, it also becomes addictive because there are short term physical rewards - ie sugar highs, which is why when i have a day higher in sugar, the next day i am more likely to feel a random urge to binge out of the blue (and its not psychological, as in its not because i felt guilty for eating the sugar). Even if things are now not empty, you will still get urges because it has become a pattern that your brain is used to, but riding the wave makes it a pointless waste of energy for your brain to scream 'binge!' for hours... And so it lessens and eventually stops.Posted from TSR Mobile
