PGCE and Bulimia
Hi Everyone,
I've been suffering from various eating disorders for the past 10 years. No one knows (though I do have a few people who suspect!).
Right now I'm doing a PGCE. I really love it; it feels like I've found a career which I can see myself having for the rest of my life. I love teaching, I love being in a school. I've got a job for September and I am really excited and also very nervous.
But despite all of this the stress of the PGCE has just been making my eating disorder a lot worse. I find myself purging as a way to calm down when I feel stressed. I find myself purging when lessons don't go to plan. I have absolutely no confidence in my own self. I have no confidence in my teaching skills; and a lot of the time even though I love teaching I feel as though I'm not good enough for it. It's just with the ED, the stress of home life, the stress of teaching and all of the other stuff going on I just feel like I can't cope.
My tutors coming in to see me teach in 2 weeks; she's lovely. I think from my previous weekly reflections she's getting a bit worried. She keeps telling me to have more confidence, but I don't have any. But I feel like I'm struggling to cope.
A part of me feels like telling someone.. but another part of me doesn't know how I'd cope without bulimia. And if I get help.. how would it affect my future career? I don't want to spoil a career I have worked so hard to build.
I just don't really know what to do. Just wanted some advice?
Thanks for reading
I've been suffering from various eating disorders for the past 10 years. No one knows (though I do have a few people who suspect!).
Right now I'm doing a PGCE. I really love it; it feels like I've found a career which I can see myself having for the rest of my life. I love teaching, I love being in a school. I've got a job for September and I am really excited and also very nervous.
But despite all of this the stress of the PGCE has just been making my eating disorder a lot worse. I find myself purging as a way to calm down when I feel stressed. I find myself purging when lessons don't go to plan. I have absolutely no confidence in my own self. I have no confidence in my teaching skills; and a lot of the time even though I love teaching I feel as though I'm not good enough for it. It's just with the ED, the stress of home life, the stress of teaching and all of the other stuff going on I just feel like I can't cope.
My tutors coming in to see me teach in 2 weeks; she's lovely. I think from my previous weekly reflections she's getting a bit worried. She keeps telling me to have more confidence, but I don't have any. But I feel like I'm struggling to cope.
A part of me feels like telling someone.. but another part of me doesn't know how I'd cope without bulimia. And if I get help.. how would it affect my future career? I don't want to spoil a career I have worked so hard to build.
I just don't really know what to do. Just wanted some advice?
Thanks for reading
how do you think recovery would negatively affect your teaching? initially you might be under more pressure but long term you will find genuine ways to cope with stress, improve your self esteem and being properly nourished will increase your ability to cope with anxiety
I would seek help, the longer this goes on the harder it will become...
I would seek help, the longer this goes on the harder it will become...
Original post by doodle_333
how do you think recovery would negatively affect your teaching? initially you might be under more pressure but long term you will find genuine ways to cope with stress, improve your self esteem and being properly nourished will increase your ability to cope with anxiety
I would seek help, the longer this goes on the harder it will become...
I would seek help, the longer this goes on the harder it will become...
The thing I'm really worried about is what if they chuck me off the course or I'm not allowed to teach or something like that? I don't know what I'd do if I end up loosing the one thing that seems to be going well for me. Another thing is that I don't think I'm seriously ill enough for help; the services are already stretched enough and I'm not ill enough for help.
get help!, it will be seen as a disability (mental) I suffered with bulimia for 4 years upto very recently, Im managing ok on my own, as like you say I never thought it was severe enough however it ruined my education and life for 4 years and totally wrecks your body metabolic damage, By finding out about metabolic damage and how it actually makes you fatter easier I just stopped as it defeated the object of why i was bulimic in the first place, to control my weight and be slim.
If i could go back I would get help. Good luck, im training to be an early years teacher at the moment, similar to pgce and I am struggling with alot but managing to not slip back into purging. Get help, get support, it will be worthwhile and you will not be thrown off the course.
If i could go back I would get help. Good luck, im training to be an early years teacher at the moment, similar to pgce and I am struggling with alot but managing to not slip back into purging. Get help, get support, it will be worthwhile and you will not be thrown off the course.
Original post by Anonymous
get help!, it will be seen as a disability (mental) I suffered with bulimia for 4 years upto very recently, Im managing ok on my own, as like you say I never thought it was severe enough however it ruined my education and life for 4 years and totally wrecks your body metabolic damage, By finding out about metabolic damage and how it actually makes you fatter easier I just stopped as it defeated the object of why i was bulimic in the first place, to control my weight and be slim.
If i could go back I would get help. Good luck, im training to be an early years teacher at the moment, similar to pgce and I am struggling with alot but managing to not slip back into purging. Get help, get support, it will be worthwhile and you will not be thrown off the course.
If i could go back I would get help. Good luck, im training to be an early years teacher at the moment, similar to pgce and I am struggling with alot but managing to not slip back into purging. Get help, get support, it will be worthwhile and you will not be thrown off the course.
Does your training provider know about your struggle with bulimia? What have they said about it (if anything)? It is a genuine fear of mine that university will find out and I'll somehow be thrown of the PGCE or declared unfit to teach or something. I'm terrified about it. Because if I get help my tutor would probably find out - and even though she's genuinely lovely I have no idea what she'd say.
Congratulations on managing not to slip back into the whole purging cycle. It's so addictive. Honestly speaking, a small part of me does want to seek help, but another much larger part of me just can't imagine my life without this thing that I use to help me to cope with life. It's not just about controlling my weight; my weights fluctuated from underweight to obese in the past 10 years - right now I'm considered to be in the overweight category (another reason I don't think I deserve professional help). It's just it's my way of coping. It's my way of destressing. It's my way of calming down when I feel bad or when I feel upset. It's a way I cope, and sadly it's been so long I just can't imagine my life without it.
Thank you both for the reply by the way!
Original post by Anonymous
The thing I'm really worried about is what if they chuck me off the course or I'm not allowed to teach or something like that? I don't know what I'd do if I end up loosing the one thing that seems to be going well for me. Another thing is that I don't think I'm seriously ill enough for help; the services are already stretched enough and I'm not ill enough for help.
they cannot discriminate against you for having a mental health condition, you may have to be assessed to check you're fit to teach by occupational health but as long as you're not likely to drop dead in the classroom and your work isn't being affected you should be fine, it will mean though that your supervisor will be aware of the stress you're under and will be able to offer some extra support which may make it a little easier, if you have a bad lesson for example
as for not being sick enough... is anyone? I have never met ANYONE who thought they were sick enough for treatment, but if you have an ED, regardless of 'severity' you are sick enough, especially with bulimia it is often hard to tell how sick you are, people can drop dead of heart attacks out of seemingly nowhere... there will always be someone sicker than you, there will also always be someone less sick than you in treatment
Original post by doodle_333
they cannot discriminate against you for having a mental health condition, you may have to be assessed to check you're fit to teach by occupational health but as long as you're not likely to drop dead in the classroom and your work isn't being affected you should be fine, it will mean though that your supervisor will be aware of the stress you're under and will be able to offer some extra support which may make it a little easier, if you have a bad lesson for example
as for not being sick enough... is anyone? I have never met ANYONE who thought they were sick enough for treatment, but if you have an ED, regardless of 'severity' you are sick enough, especially with bulimia it is often hard to tell how sick you are, people can drop dead of heart attacks out of seemingly nowhere... there will always be someone sicker than you, there will also always be someone less sick than you in treatment
as for not being sick enough... is anyone? I have never met ANYONE who thought they were sick enough for treatment, but if you have an ED, regardless of 'severity' you are sick enough, especially with bulimia it is often hard to tell how sick you are, people can drop dead of heart attacks out of seemingly nowhere... there will always be someone sicker than you, there will also always be someone less sick than you in treatment
Thank you for the response.
Teaching is something I really do love, but recently I've been really struggling with a few classes. Purging helps me to cope with them.
I realise that everyone might think they're not sick enough, but I guess what it really comes down to is the fact that I feel like they are so many people out who deserve help. I don't. And admitting I need help well it's like saying I'm ready to let bulimia go and I'm just panicking because how will I deal with stuff without it? How will I cope? I'm scared.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for the response.
Teaching is something I really do love, but recently I've been really struggling with a few classes. Purging helps me to cope with them.
I realise that everyone might think they're not sick enough, but I guess what it really comes down to is the fact that I feel like they are so many people out who deserve help. I don't. And admitting I need help well it's like saying I'm ready to let bulimia go and I'm just panicking because how will I deal with stuff without it? How will I cope? I'm scared.
Teaching is something I really do love, but recently I've been really struggling with a few classes. Purging helps me to cope with them.
I realise that everyone might think they're not sick enough, but I guess what it really comes down to is the fact that I feel like they are so many people out who deserve help. I don't. And admitting I need help well it's like saying I'm ready to let bulimia go and I'm just panicking because how will I deal with stuff without it? How will I cope? I'm scared.
I know purging helps you cope trust me on that :P but part of recovery is learning new ways to cope and if you're open with your supervisor they may be able to help you cope with difficult classes, I'm not a teacher but I work in a school and I know how easy it is to let difficult classes overwhelm you and to feel like you're totally useless if you can't manage them, sometimes just talking to someone and realising other people are struggling with the same kids can help a lot
leave decisions about what you deserve to your doctor, if you don't need or deserve treatment they won't give it to you! NHS resources are stretched they certainly wont give you anything which isn't 100% necessary... I know letting bulimia go is literally just terrifying but remember that getting help doesn't mean you have to do anything, you can take your time to reduce your purging and gain control and if you stop and decide you can't cope it will always be there to go back to so give recovery a shot, your therapist WILL understand why you are reluctant and they WILL give you time
