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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    I know...but my motivation to get better is dwindling as time goes on and it's getting harder and harder to let go of the problem I guess it can be when I feel undervalued or haven't done something "perfectly" or feel lonely/unable to cope with things that the weight loss becomes my stupid security blanket. Thanks for the advice and hope all is okay with you!
    -squuuuuuuidge- I'll second/ third anyone whos said that your GP is a ****.
    • #83
    #83

    What are your experiences with GPs? Although I'm now a 'healthy' weight, my eating is just awful (I go from restricting to b/ping) and now that I'm trying to lose again I find myself restricting more and more. I feel like my whole day revolves around food and exercise and trying to distract myself from thinking about food. I've self-harmed before and tried to OD in January. I don't know if I'm depressed anymore because I just feel numb. But I was depressed (not diagnosed) all through high school and definitely through the first year of uni. It got worse when I had to start gaining weight and the bingeing started, and really impacted my results (I was predicted a 1st and got a 2.2). I'm not personally bothered about my results because I dont even know what I want to do, but everyone from school who expected me to do so well is judging me. And I keep thinking I wish I had carried on losing weight, then maybe I'd die that way or at least I would be thin. I know its bad to think that but I do. I feel like more of a failure for gaining weight than for getting that grade. And I see so many people that are happily thin and don't worry about it and also get great grades, and I know I'll never be like that

    Sorry for another long post.

    My question is: is it worth talking to a GP about ED/depression if I'm no longer underweight, and now feel numb/empty rather than depressed?
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    I've been stalking this thread for a while and it has finally encouraged me to sign up. I'm so lost and I feel that I've just hit rock bottom. I've tried to share with some teachers and family members, on top of asking for medical help of some sort, but I just need/want to talk and get it all out there. So here goes...


    I've had depression, anxiety and a negative self-image for as long as I can remember. I was overweight as a child and bullied for it and then as I eventually got older, lost the baby fat and so on, I seemed to get over it. Then some stuff happened, last year I think, that made me want to lose weight again. I don't even know what it was. Maybe looking at pictures of myself and feeling fat, or just wanting to get healthier and in better shape. So this January, I vowed to lose weight. Not by dieting, but by changing my lifestyle completely.

    To begin with, I just cut down calories. At one point, I was eating no more than 1000 a day. Then I realized that this was stupid and unsustainable, so I raised them to 1300-1400 max. On top of that, I vowed to start eating clean. I cut out all the normal junk- sweets, chocolate, heavily processed crap etc. Then switched to wholegrain, so no more white rice, white bread, white pasta and so on. So my diet was pretty much fruit, veggies, whole grains (rice, bread, quinoa, millet, oats and so on), lean meat, fish, milk and decent dairy like feta cheese. You get the drift. I thought it was okay because going for whole foods seemed reasonable- it was for health, not vanity. Then as time went on, my stupid obsessive personality took over and I got so into it. This happens a lot. I planned all my meals in advance, became obsessed with cooking and preparing food- even if it’s not for me. I would go shopping and look at labels and find it impossible to go out and just buy something without looking carefully at the ingredients, calories, fat, sodium etc. When I get into something, I REALLY get into it. I give it my all. So my life became dedicated to weight loss, exercising and eating well. And it worked. I went from around 13 stone to 10.5 in a few months, my skin was great and I was happy. Or so I thought.

    At the same time, I knew that there was something wrong. I felt isolated from my friends and family because I would refuse to eat "bad foods". All this got the point where I stopped eating meals with my family and grew to resent them because of how "unhealthy" they are. Whenever I go out, I have to pack my meals so I don't have to buy "unhealthy" food. Whenever I go to see friends, I pack a lunch and simply buy a tea or coffee from whatever restaurant they're eating at. I started getting ill often- constantly getting headaches, feeling tired and lethargic. My periods stopped. And I had to count every single calorie I consumed.

    Then recently, it all reached its peak. A few weeks ago, I just got SO ill. I felt miserable and didn't want to be alive anymore. Then the binges and purging came into play. There was one day where I ate something crappy, then that turned into me telling myself it was okay to eat more of it because I'm a teenager and shouldn't have to concern myself with all this nonsense. So I ate. And ate. And ate. And at the end of it, I felt so sick and so guilty that I vomited it back up. I've had bouts of this, but it wasn't until this point that it became constant.

    Several times a week I binge and purge. It just goes in waves. Sometimes I have great moods, sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and wait for it all to go away. One day I eat normally and feel great; the next I'm eating a ton of food I don't want/need and then throwing up. This part I haven't told anyone about because I feel so ashamed but at the same time, I don't want to tell anyone because I don't feel I deserve the label "bulimic". I know I lose control often, but for some reason I feel as if I DO have control, and it's just me being greedy or something. I know it's gotten bad, and I know I need to overcome this, but I don't know how. I am trying so hard to overcome it but I just can't control it. I can't control counting my calories or totally restricting certain types of food or going through the binges and purges. All I want is some help. And a hug. But I just have no idea where to turn. I just feel so alone.

    I want to be able to go out with my friends and eat normally with them, without turning down or refusing food. I want to be able to enjoy meals with my family again. I don't want to hate food, or fear it. I want to be healthy, but know it IS okay to have some cake if you want to sometimes. I want to stop looking in the mirror every few minutes, checking that I haven't gained weight. I want to have a normal relationship with food and myself. I don't want to be afraid or worried all the time anymore. I just want my life back.
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    Midway through this book and so many things are starting to click.

    I wish I was articulate enough to put this into words but fortunately for you guys I'm not! Anyways, I'm very hopeful for the future :grin: and again, would highly recommend brain over binge! Also, it's made me re-consider about therapy and why it might actually exacerbate the problem.
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    Something I like to remind myself during the urge to binge (luckily, thank god, i'm getting less whirlwind moments when I consider eating and then have no idea what happens after that - it's terrifying). Firstly, at all times of the day I stop myself and think about certain physical feelings i'm having. I feel my breathing, wiggle my feet, stroke my leg. Really random things. And then I think about the fact that hunger, or the need to eat in general is just a feeling that can be delayed without anything bad happening. It's a feeling just like any other and it's there to serve us and give us hints rather than control us.

    It's my conciousness and mind that should decide when and what to eat.

    Oh and another thing. Create a picture in your mind of the you that you want to be (a healthy you not disordered, your ED isn't allowed to take part in this exercise :P ) Write/type everything about this person. Their likes and dislikes, their reactions to food, their beliefs about life, their personality and the way they approach everyday life. Get to love this person as if they are your twin. Your twin isn't going to be 'perfect' whatever that is, just a wonderful lovely person that you want to be around. If you do something disordered, it's ok, there is no progress without blips. But instead of punishing yourself, once your mind has cleared a bit, replay the scene again. However replay the scene in your mind as if your twin is doing it. Think about how they would treat the situation and how, actually, you could do the same next time, you could copy that. It's some sort of Japanese constant improvement method i've heard about.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Something I like to remind myself during the urge to binge (luckily, thank god, i'm getting less whirlwind moments when I consider eating and then have no idea what happens after that - it's terrifying). Firstly, at all times of the day I stop myself and think about certain physical feelings i'm having. I feel my breathing, wiggle my feet, stroke my leg. Really random things. And then I think about the fact that hunger, or the need to eat in general is just a feeling that can be delayed without anything bad happening. It's a feeling just like any other and it's there to serve us and give us hints rather than control us.

    It's my conciousness and mind that should decide when and what to eat.

    Oh and another thing. Create a picture in your mind of the you that you want to be (a healthy you not disordered, your ED isn't allowed to take part in this exercise :P ) Write/type everything about this person. Their likes and dislikes, their reactions to food, their beliefs about life, their personality and the way they approach everyday life. Get to love this person as if they are your twin. Your twin isn't going to be 'perfect' whatever that is, just a wonderful lovely person that you want to be around. If you do something disordered, it's ok, there is no progress without blips. But instead of punishing yourself, once your mind has cleared a bit, replay the scene again. However replay the scene in your mind as if your twin is doing it. Think about how they would treat the situation and how, actually, you could do the same next time, you could copy that. It's some sort of Japanese constant improvement method i've heard about.
    You know what.... I quite like that idea! But I'd feel a bit of a failure if I had a slip up for something if you get me- but we all have slip ups don't we?

    I've found that (not exactly like a diary) if I write down some sort of achievement(s) I've had during the day in this little book of mine, whenever I'm having a down period I can just look over it and see I am coping and I will get through it.
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    (Original post by DitsySoph)
    You know what.... I quite like that idea! But I'd feel a bit of a failure if I had a slip up for something if you get me- but we all have slip ups don't we?

    I've found that (not exactly like a diary) if I write down some sort of achievement(s) I've had during the day in this little book of mine, whenever I'm having a down period I can just look over it and see I am coping and I will get through it.
    Slip-ups are a huge part of recovering. It feels horrible at the time, but it is normal and expected.

    My mum used to describe it as fire-fighting, it's like putting out a fire. If there's a huge fire, you start working on putting the main fire out. But as you put out the main fire smaller fires crop up along the way, and they need putting out too. But just because you have to extinguish the smaller fires doesn't mean you're not putting the main fire out.

    If that makes sense. It is completely normal though, don't beat yourself up if they happen. If it was that easy to just stop it all and recover, it would have happened ages ago! But it will happen.
    • #59
    #59

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Something I like to remind myself during the urge to binge (luckily, thank god, i'm getting less whirlwind moments when I consider eating and then have no idea what happens after that - it's terrifying). Firstly, at all times of the day I stop myself and think about certain physical feelings i'm having. I feel my breathing, wiggle my feet, stroke my leg. Really random things. And then I think about the fact that hunger, or the need to eat in general is just a feeling that can be delayed without anything bad happening. It's a feeling just like any other and it's there to serve us and give us hints rather than control us.

    It's my conciousness and mind that should decide when and what to eat.

    Oh and another thing. Create a picture in your mind of the you that you want to be (a healthy you not disordered, your ED isn't allowed to take part in this exercise :P ) Write/type everything about this person. Their likes and dislikes, their reactions to food, their beliefs about life, their personality and the way they approach everyday life. Get to love this person as if they are your twin. Your twin isn't going to be 'perfect' whatever that is, just a wonderful lovely person that you want to be around. If you do something disordered, it's ok, there is no progress without blips. But instead of punishing yourself, once your mind has cleared a bit, replay the scene again. However replay the scene in your mind as if your twin is doing it. Think about how they would treat the situation and how, actually, you could do the same next time, you could copy that. It's some sort of Japanese constant improvement method i've heard about.
    That's a fantastic idea; definitely worth giving that one a go!
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    Sorry, I hit the "anon" button again!
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    (Original post by CultOfPersonality)

    Several times a week I binge and purge. It just goes in waves. Sometimes I have great moods, sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and wait for it all to go away. One day I eat normally and feel great; the next I'm eating a ton of food I don't want/need and then throwing up. This part I haven't told anyone about because I feel so ashamed but at the same time, I don't want to tell anyone because I don't feel I deserve the label "bulimic". I know I lose control often, but for some reason I feel as if I DO have control, and it's just me being greedy or something. I know it's gotten bad, and I know I need to overcome this, but I don't know how. I am trying so hard to overcome it but I just can't control it. I can't control counting my calories or totally restricting certain types of food or going through the binges and purges. All I want is some help. And a hug. But I just have no idea where to turn. I just feel so alone.

    I want to be able to go out with my friends and eat normally with them, without turning down or refusing food. I want to be able to enjoy meals with my family again. I don't want to hate food, or fear it. I want to be healthy, but know it IS okay to have some cake if you want to sometimes. I want to stop looking in the mirror every few minutes, checking that I haven't gained weight. I want to have a normal relationship with food and myself. I don't want to be afraid or worried all the time anymore. I just want my life back.
    It's really brave to open up like this, and it's a great step in getting better.

    You sound like you're in a brilliant place to get help, now. Although it is horrible to feel labelled, you know that there is something wrong. And there is absolutely no shame in being ill, and even less in seeking help for it.

    Please go to your GP, or talk to a friend or family member and tell them you need support. You could even call Samaritans or Nightline, or search for eating disorder support groups or charities in your area.
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    For the first time in a long time, I did something stupid. I was crying so much last night because of problems with my boyfriend's family. I skipped dinner. I skipped dinner. What the f***? I just felt so sick from all of the crying that I couldn't bring myself to eat. Instead, I hit the vodka. Today I didn't manage a lot of what is my normal breakfast. I'm scared. I refuse to take this out on my food. At the end of the day, my boyfriend fell in love with me partially because of the way I look -- healthy, not a bone. I don't want to be like that again. The thing is, I don't know how to cope. I've had an alcohol problem before and I'm scared of hitting the bottle. It seems that every time something goes t*ts up in my face, I turn to some sort of addiction.

    I really want to self-harm.

    The only thing keeping me sane right now is my mum. x
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    'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway' by Susan Jeffers: good read. Makes sense and it's helping me accept responsibility for just about everything that comes my way, which is terrifying but quite empowering all the same.
    As a result, the idea that I don't have to binge or manipulate food intake just because X happened (usually I'm tired from lack of sleep) and that if it does, it was my choice to do it not 'ED's' (since ED is still just the negative put-down voice inside us all)...has re-opened some closed doors. Let's see how this goes.
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    For the first time in a long time, I did something stupid. I was crying so much last night because of problems with my boyfriend's family. I skipped dinner. I skipped dinner. What the f***? I just felt so sick from all of the crying that I couldn't bring myself to eat. Instead, I hit the vodka. Today I didn't manage a lot of what is my normal breakfast. I'm scared. I refuse to take this out on my food. At the end of the day, my boyfriend fell in love with me partially because of the way I look -- healthy, not a bone. I don't want to be like that again. The thing is, I don't know how to cope. I've had an alcohol problem before and I'm scared of hitting the bottle. It seems that every time something goes t*ts up in my face, I turn to some sort of addiction.

    I really want to self-harm.

    The only thing keeping me sane right now is my mum. x
    Jazzy, you CAN get through this. You don't have to blame yourself. What happened with your boyfriend's family isn't your problem. You can be there for him but you are not accountable for it!
    Nor do you have to blame yourself for doing what still seems the natural response to trauma. Life is a learning process, and you've learned that behaviours help you cope during hard times, but you've also learned that there are other, much better ways to cope. Forgive yourself for turning back to the ED and considering drinking, let yourself move on, and see how you could react differently next time.
    Yes, your boyfriend will certainly prefer you to look healthy, alive and full of energy-but I'm sure he fell in love with you for being an amazing, genuine and kind person far more than he did your looks. Always remember that.
    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Jazzy, you CAN get through this. You don't have to blame yourself. What happened with your boyfriend's family isn't your problem. You can be there for him but you are not accountable for it!
    Nor do you have to blame yourself for doing what still seems the natural response to trauma. Life is a learning process, and you've learned that behaviours help you cope during hard times, but you've also learned that there are other, much better ways to cope. Forgive yourself for turning back to the ED and considering drinking, let yourself move on, and see how you could react differently next time.
    Yes, your boyfriend will certainly prefer you to look healthy, alive and full of energy-but I'm sure he fell in love with you for being an amazing, genuine and kind person far more than he did your looks. Always remember that.
    :hugs:
    Thanks :hugs: the problem is with me; they don't approve of me. The thing is that they've found me 'guilty' and hung me without actually knowing me and it is partially his fault.

    Now it's just turned into anger, really. It's when I'm sad that there's a problem and I resort to old habits. I was just so disappointed that I couldn't eat properly. I guess it was just a way to cope with the shock and sadness, but it's not going to happen again.

    Thank you again xxx
    • #30
    #30

    So essentially I can't continue my uni course (Medicine) at the moment due to the ED. I have at least a year off - at the moment I do not know if I will be allowed to continue my course at all, this depends on the psychiatrist assessment and ultimately the decision of the medical school as to whether I am "fit to practice" as a doctor.

    I would really appreciate your thoughts/advice on my situation.

    HOUSING

    I am staying on my boyfriend's boat in London. (We've been together nearly 3 years) My parents live nearby but due to 10 years of ED we have a very strained relationship and living there is impossible. In the past (mainly when I was 15/16 and the ED was extremely severe) I have been kicked out, made to sleep outside (& therefore urinate etc in the garden), hit, pushed down the stairs, hair pulled hard, been hit, been physically pushed out of the house, severe emotional abuse (e.g. mother telling me to kill myself, threats) etc. Things are slightly better now, but can turn nasty quickly. I am able to visit for a few days occasionally but usually have to leave as things get difficult.

    The boat is VERY small and I'm not being fussy here - I've lived in small rooms in student halls and had no complaints, but it is very difficult to live here. To use the toilet/shower I have to go outside to a shared shower block. I am coping at the moment as it's not too cold right now, however I am very worried about where to live in winter because the boat gets VERY cold & damp in winter and the heating is insufficient. Also having to go outside to shower/toilet in very cold temperatures/snow every day will be hellish. I also feel the cold very easily due to ED.

    RELATIONSHIP WITH BOYFRIEND

    Another issue is the strain of the ED on my relationship. My BF feels as thought he is my carer and despite me reminding him that I am an adult and he has no legal obligation to care for me, he feels like my carer and tells me he is beginning to be unable to cope with my ED & mental health issues. I am trying my best to make things easier for him, but I don't really know what to do and we seem to be unable to make progress in our discussions.

    BF tells me I am not taking responsibility for my problems and can't cope with me especially recently as in the past few weeks I have had severe depression, anxiety, panic, constant suicidal thoughts mainly because I feel my life is falling apart and I am scared I will be kicked out of medical school and that there is no hope.

    He tells me I have become abnormally withdrawn and trapped on the boat/agoraphobic. In the past month I have left the marina to go to weekly therapy, weekly ED support group, supermarket, GP appointment, blood test, 1 x a friend after a lot of encouragement. I have tried to do the bare minimum I felt I had to do. I have spent a lot of time sleeping, crying and b/ping and couldn't face seeing other people, friends and wasn't able to reply to texts or emails for weeks. I wasn't able to return the consent form for the psychiatrist for over a month. I used to run 4x per week but haven't run or exercised in over a month. This all upsets my BF greatly.

    He tells me he can't have a long term relationship with me if this goes on indefinitely. I agree it would be unfair on him so I would like to make things better.

    Due to the strain on our relationship I may not be able to live on the boat for much longer. BF is suggesting I find a place of my own. Where the hell do I live?

    HEALTH

    I'm awaiting an NHS referral for the ED. I'm seeing a private therapist weekly and attending a support group weekly.

    I have severe bulimia, currently bordering on anorexia bp subtype, depression, anxiety, recurrent suicidal thoughts, hypothryoidism and very abnormal sleeping patterns - I just get exhausted and sleep far more than a normal person would and this means I have little time for daily activities. Sometimes I get hypokalaemia from vomiting a lot and this has landed me being very unwell and in A&E in the past. I am having regular blood tests to check my thyroid levels and also my electrolytes. My regular medications are fluoxetine (prozac) and thyroxin.

    I spoke to my GP (based in my uni town in Scotland) and she asked about where I was living now, how I was, what's happening with med school etc. She then said I should sign on/get benefits and go to the job centre. I said I don't understand what that is, I've never claimed benefits or been to the job centre. She said I need to go to the job centre, tell them I can't work due to health problems and she can write me a letter.

    I now realise that part of the ED is delusions. Especially self delusion that the ED is not serious, that I am not really ill, that is is self inflicted etc. The fact that my doctor has suggested I claim benefits for sickness and offered to write me a letter suggests to me that I am considered to be fairly ill. Also that I'm not allowed to continue my course, failed lots of uni exams, am 2 years behind at uni and facing a psychiatric assessment. It sounds stupid that even after all this, I still find it hard to consider myself an 'ill person' or deserving of help in terms of benefits.

    WORK/MONEY

    I had a on/off job in a hospital but I haven't worked for some time as I've been having a crisis and trying to work on recovery.

    My boyfriend thinks I need to become independent and 'grow up' and thinks I should get a job, any job e.g. working in a bar and rent somewhere myself. He says part of recovery is growing up and becoming independent. He says working will help my recovery.

    At the moment, I am finding it hard to cope with therapy/trying to engage with recovery, attend medical appointments, deal with the university and do the minimum basic things in life e.g. pay credit card bills, reply to emails/texts, online shopping. I am not coping with the day to day administrative tasks in life. I find the prospect of facing my friends very scary and am not able to maintain contact and friendships properly. The idea of working in a bar sounds very stressful and I don't know if I would be able to hold down a job in my current state. I don't even want to go to a bar in my free time right now.

    He says I need to build my own life in London and I can see he has a point, but I'm not coping at the moment and everything feels like too much. We argue about this a lot and he thinks I am just being stubborn and not taking responsibility. I probably am stubborn, but I am trying to do some of the basics in life e.g. medical appointments, but coping with additional things is not going well right now. I would love to be normal and do all the things a normal person would, have a job, socialise, see my friends, go out at night from time to time, meet new people, hobbies, exercise etc but I don't think this will happen overnight.

    I know this is very long, but any thoughts would be much appreciated.
    • #30
    #30

    MORE ON MONEY/FINANCIAL

    When I was a student I was getting a student loan based on my parental income, despite no support from parents due to the difficult relationship.

    Also I never claimed any benefits/grants for 'disability' as I never considered myself to be disabled, however after what my GP said I have wondered if there is anything I might be able to apply for now and in the future if I go back to being a student at uni.

    Currently my BF pays the rent for the boat, bills and some food. He occasionally helps me with travel costs.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So essentially I can't continue my uni course (Medicine) at the moment due to the ED. I have at least a year off - at the moment I do not know if I will be allowed to continue my course at all, this depends on the psychiatrist assessment and ultimately the decision of the medical school as to whether I am "fit to practice" as a doctor.

    I would really appreciate your thoughts/advice on my situation.

    HOUSING

    I am staying on my boyfriend's boat in London. (We've been together nearly 3 years) My parents live nearby but due to 10 years of ED we have a very strained relationship and living there is impossible. In the past (mainly when I was 15/16 and the ED was extremely severe) I have been kicked out, made to sleep outside (& therefore urinate etc in the garden), hit, pushed down the stairs, hair pulled hard, been hit, been physically pushed out of the house, severe emotional abuse (e.g. mother telling me to kill myself, threats) etc. Things are slightly better now, but can turn nasty quickly. I am able to visit for a few days occasionally but usually have to leave as things get difficult.

    The boat is VERY small and I'm not being fussy here - I've lived in small rooms in student halls and had no complaints, but it is very difficult to live here. To use the toilet/shower I have to go outside to a shared shower block. I am coping at the moment as it's not too cold right now, however I am very worried about where to live in winter because the boat gets VERY cold & damp in winter and the heating is insufficient. Also having to go outside to shower/toilet in very cold temperatures/snow every day will be hellish. I also feel the cold very easily due to ED.

    RELATIONSHIP WITH BOYFRIEND

    Another issue is the strain of the ED on my relationship. My BF feels as thought he is my carer and despite me reminding him that I am an adult and he has no legal obligation to care for me, he feels like my carer and tells me he is beginning to be unable to cope with my ED & mental health issues. I am trying my best to make things easier for him, but I don't really know what to do and we seem to be unable to make progress in our discussions.

    BF tells me I am not taking responsibility for my problems and can't cope with me especially recently as in the past few weeks I have had severe depression, anxiety, panic, constant suicidal thoughts mainly because I feel my life is falling apart and I am scared I will be kicked out of medical school and that there is no hope.

    He tells me I have become abnormally withdrawn and trapped on the boat/agoraphobic. In the past month I have left the marina to go to weekly therapy, weekly ED support group, supermarket, GP appointment, blood test, 1 x a friend after a lot of encouragement. I have tried to do the bare minimum I felt I had to do. I have spent a lot of time sleeping, crying and b/ping and couldn't face seeing other people, friends and wasn't able to reply to texts or emails for weeks. I wasn't able to return the consent form for the psychiatrist for over a month. I used to run 4x per week but haven't run or exercised in over a month. This all upsets my BF greatly.

    He tells me he can't have a long term relationship with me if this goes on indefinitely. I agree it would be unfair on him so I would like to make things better.

    Due to the strain on our relationship I may not be able to live on the boat for much longer. BF is suggesting I find a place of my own. Where the hell do I live?

    HEALTH

    I'm awaiting an NHS referral for the ED. I'm seeing a private therapist weekly and attending a support group weekly.

    I have severe bulimia, currently bordering on anorexia bp subtype, depression, anxiety, recurrent suicidal thoughts, hypothryoidism and very abnormal sleeping patterns - I just get exhausted and sleep far more than a normal person would and this means I have little time for daily activities. Sometimes I get hypokalaemia from vomiting a lot and this has landed me being very unwell and in A&E in the past. I am having regular blood tests to check my thyroid levels and also my electrolytes. My regular medications are fluoxetine (prozac) and thyroxin.

    I spoke to my GP (based in my uni town in Scotland) and she asked about where I was living now, how I was, what's happening with med school etc. She then said I should sign on/get benefits and go to the job centre. I said I don't understand what that is, I've never claimed benefits or been to the job centre. She said I need to go to the job centre, tell them I can't work due to health problems and she can write me a letter.

    I now realise that part of the ED is delusions. Especially self delusion that the ED is not serious, that I am not really ill, that is is self inflicted etc. The fact that my doctor has suggested I claim benefits for sickness and offered to write me a letter suggests to me that I am considered to be fairly ill. Also that I'm not allowed to continue my course, failed lots of uni exams, am 2 years behind at uni and facing a psychiatric assessment. It sounds stupid that even after all this, I still find it hard to consider myself an 'ill person' or deserving of help in terms of benefits.

    WORK/MONEY

    I had a on/off job in a hospital but I haven't worked for some time as I've been having a crisis and trying to work on recovery.

    My boyfriend thinks I need to become independent and 'grow up' and thinks I should get a job, any job e.g. working in a bar and rent somewhere myself. He says part of recovery is growing up and becoming independent. He says working will help my recovery.

    At the moment, I am finding it hard to cope with therapy/trying to engage with recovery, attend medical appointments, deal with the university and do the minimum basic things in life e.g. pay credit card bills, reply to emails/texts, online shopping. I am not coping with the day to day administrative tasks in life. I find the prospect of facing my friends very scary and am not able to maintain contact and friendships properly. The idea of working in a bar sounds very stressful and I don't know if I would be able to hold down a job in my current state. I don't even want to go to a bar in my free time right now.

    He says I need to build my own life in London and I can see he has a point, but I'm not coping at the moment and everything feels like too much. We argue about this a lot and he thinks I am just being stubborn and not taking responsibility. I probably am stubborn, but I am trying to do some of the basics in life e.g. medical appointments, but coping with additional things is not going well right now. I would love to be normal and do all the things a normal person would, have a job, socialise, see my friends, go out at night from time to time, meet new people, hobbies, exercise etc but I don't think this will happen overnight.

    I know this is very long, but any thoughts would be much appreciated.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    MORE ON MONEY/FINANCIAL

    When I was a student I was getting a student loan based on my parental income, despite no support from parents due to the difficult relationship.

    Also I never claimed any benefits/grants for 'disability' as I never considered myself to be disabled, however after what my GP said I have wondered if there is anything I might be able to apply for now and in the future if I go back to being a student at uni.

    Currently my BF pays the rent for the boat, bills and some food. He occasionally helps me with travel costs.


    First off get this letter from the GP, it's important.

    Next go to citizens advice. They will tell you how to get the benefits you need. They will walk you through the jobseekers melarky and all.

    Carry on going to therapy. Seriously girl, you need it. You know you need to recover, push yourself to do so. Skip it like a stone across a river, don't let it drop.

    "K, I didn't purge this meal! Yay!"
    "Didn't purge the last meal, would be a bad to purge this one!"
    "Going good, recovery in sight! Haven't purged two meals in a row and a third on it's way!"
    ...
    "3 MONTHS CLEAN!"

    Grab that feeling of accomplishment and nourish it. Hold it close. That is what recovery is about, overriding the negative emotions with the positives.

    It doesn't sound like you can manage that boat for much longer, or at least that is what you are saying. Look for maybe some temporary accommodation at least. Maybe a friends? When recovered go back to your course if it is still the thing you want to do.

    Don't retreat. It will make coming back from it all oh so much harder. Don't go drinking as that would absolutely destroy your emaciated frame. Find some hobby classes, go for a coffee with friends. Anything to keep you alive in the eyes of the world.

    The wake up call is being diagnosed with a mental disorder with the highest mortality rate. You HAVE to recover.

    You are feeling tired constantly due to malnourishment, so no amount of emotional talking will help, all I can do it urge you to eat. **** getting fat, that isn't even a consideration in these circumstances. What you need to do it get better. I know fat isn't 'it', but it's accepting things.

    Does your province have 'mindfulness' groups? Ask your GP to be referred.

    I wish I could offer advice about the parents, I really do, but recovery is going to have to come first. Try family therapy if you feel there are things needed to be said, in a safe environment, but a cooling down period whilst you recover sounds ideal.

    Much love,
    A
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    I've a tricky-ish question.
    How do you all keep positive in the face of something so terrifying? Knowing each day could be your last?
    I could do it before when it was really a health anxiety, but now whether from these messed-up sleeping patterns or binging or whatever, I can tell my habits are having a real impact on my health. Like it or not, I have to accept that and account for it. And it's putting me down despite lots of good good things going on (being able to go out socialising every single night again is pretty cool, and I'm heading the MCM Expo tomorrow )
    I've been trying YOLO as much as possible by going out no matter how I feel and it is great, at the time. But I have just burned the candle at both ends and I was dead before going to town yesterday. It's hit a point where I'm really labouring my breathing in simple tasks. Rather than just being tense and tired from holding my breath in as a result of anxiety, it is very, very hard to breathe in. And I've had twangs in my chest and the like. Maybe it's me panicking, maybe I don't have long left. The fear of death is getting tested to its limits, waiting around every corner, but I'm not sure this is the best way to test it.
    This isn't good. I have not felt so weak in my body in quite a while (yet so mentally strong. Not in an ED way, since I've been eating fairly well for the last few days; just in the resilience in attitude against being so physically drained).
    I'm trying to correct it by going for an early night (if it is just needing sleep, like it was in the past) Problem is I've been getting called out pretty much every time and if I ever say no, I'm guilt-tripped by my mother on letting the anxiety win. So I haven't, since I don't know which of us is right and I still want to see my friends, it's just the current state of my health makes me question whether that's wise to do. But I can't carry on like this forever because it's undoing my weight gain and it's just...not...nice things being this physically straining. Not nice at all.
    And I know we all have to deal with a certain amount of stress (as I'm so constantly reminded when I complain of feeling tired all the time), but breathing difficulties and chest pains? I'm sure these aren't standard stresses for the healthy population
    Course to just go back to being a hermit and never seeing my friends seems stupid too. The balance is difficult to strike.
    I'm confused. Could it mean anything?
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I've a tricky-ish question.
    How do you all keep positive in the face of something so terrifying? Knowing each day could be your last?
    I could do it before when it was really a health anxiety, but now whether from these messed-up sleeping patterns or binging or whatever, I can tell my habits are having a real impact on my health. Like it or not, I have to accept that and account for it. And it's putting me down despite lots of good good things going on (being able to go out socialising every single night again is pretty cool, and I'm heading the MCM Expo tomorrow )
    I've been trying YOLO as much as possible by going out no matter how I feel and it is great, at the time. But I have just burned the candle at both ends and I was dead before going to town yesterday. It's hit a point where I'm really labouring my breathing in simple tasks. Rather than just being tense and tired from holding my breath in as a result of anxiety, it is very, very hard to breathe in. And I've had twangs in my chest and the like. Maybe it's me panicking, maybe I don't have long left. The fear of death is getting tested to its limits, waiting around every corner, but I'm not sure this is the best way to test it.
    This isn't good. I have not felt so weak in my body in quite a while (yet so mentally strong. Not in an ED way, since I've been eating fairly well for the last few days; just in the resilience in attitude against being so physically drained).
    I'm trying to correct it by going for an early night (if it is just needing sleep, like it was in the past) Problem is I've been getting called out pretty much every time and if I ever say no, I'm guilt-tripped by my mother on letting the anxiety win. So I haven't, since I don't know which of us is right and I still want to see my friends, it's just the current state of my health makes me question whether that's wise to do. But I can't carry on like this forever because it's undoing my weight gain and it's just...not...nice things being this physically straining. Not nice at all.
    And I know we all have to deal with a certain amount of stress (as I'm so constantly reminded when I complain of feeling tired all the time), but breathing difficulties and chest pains? I'm sure these aren't standard stresses for the healthy population
    Course to just go back to being a hermit and never seeing my friends seems stupid too. The balance is difficult to strike.
    I'm confused. Could it mean anything?
    The difficulty breathing and thought/feeling I'm going to die, I get that with panic attacks. You might just need a good nights sleep if you've been out every night?
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    remember how resilient the gums being is. There have been full studies into why the gums being can appear to die and revive when in similar situations other species succumb. My guess is that our heightened intelligence leads to a set of subconscious debate; when the body proposes giving up, a deer or mouse may accept, but a human will reason.
 
 
 
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