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Feel so lonely and depressed at university :(
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Original post by Wave
I can never understand how these two statements can crop up in the same post. I dunno about everyone else but if I got a girlfriend all my social anxiety issues would be gone with the wind.
Anyway OP you have been there what 2 and a bit months? Did you expect to be best of friends with your new hallmates in that time?
I can never understand how these two statements can crop up in the same post. I dunno about everyone else but if I got a girlfriend all my social anxiety issues would be gone with the wind.
Anyway OP you have been there what 2 and a bit months? Did you expect to be best of friends with your new hallmates in that time?
because the transition from college to uni can be stressful! You suddenly lose ties with your friends and get thrown into a situation you have not prepared for fully. Boyfriends can't fully carry a girl and her anxieties, this is all just a part of life we all must deal with. Good luck OP
Original post by Stevo112
because the transition from college to uni can be stressful! You suddenly lose ties with your friends and get thrown into a situation you have not prepared for fully. Boyfriends can't fully carry a girl and her anxieties, this is all just a part of life we all must deal with. Good luck OP
But its simple logic. if you are good enough for people to want a relationship with you then you are good enough for people to want to make friends with you?
Original post by Wave
But its simple logic. if you are good enough for people to want a relationship with you then you are good enough for people to want to make friends with you?
My thoughts are that maybe OP has gotten a lil cozy with boyfriend. He is there, he provides support and stimulates her. He is probably a good lad whom keeps her nicely in a little comfort zone and now that OP has gone to uni in this way it is a bit of a shock.
Dont forget also that freshers are monkeys. Guys are more likely to look at OP and think 'man if only i could muster up the courage to order a pint or talk to that girl then i might get my leg over', then she couldn't connect with the born again christians, and she is now thrown in with formed groups which can be a bitch if you miss it (ive been on both sides of the coin).
There is no logic during first year. All these things are in OP's mind, because ultimately you don't need anything except a good bloke, good family and a few core friends who you can travel with/swim with/cinema with/talk about books with/go to clubs with..... whatever your thing is! The rest is just trading equity with a bunch of people whom you will probably never meet again! But OP has to discover this all for herself.
Original post by SingMeALullaby
Original post by SingMeALullaby
Before I came to university i was happy as could be, i wasn't that confident but i had some self esteem and got on with everyone. I'm not one to argue etc so i always found myself with a lot of friends surrounding me.
However ever since i've started university, everything has went down hill
My decision for university was pending on results day because i got BBB instead of ABB, i did eventually get accepted - however as a result i didn't get my first preference at halls, and was put in non alcohol accomodation.
My hallmates there were born again christians, were very shy, rarely emerged from their room and didn't even go to the cinema never mind clubbing, so i made no friendships there. My course hours are really short - 10 hours a week, so after making no friends in my non alcohol accommodation or class, and crying every evening down the phone to my parents, i decided i would put my name on the waiting list to move rooms.
In the middle of November I got placed in normal halls. I really tried to make an effort buying a box of sweets for the kitchen, knocking doors to introduce myself, and made an effort to go out clubbing or shopping with them, even if i did have work to do! However I still feel like an outsider because i'm just treated like the new girl who moved in late i feel like i'm tagging along.
My self esteem has went to 0, i'm always thinking im worthless and that i must be horrible if no one likes me i cry everyday when i come home from class, and i've started to get really nervous in social situations. I'm convinced everyone is staring at me, that i'm hideous, and my heart starts racing. All i want to do is go home in crawl in bed.
My friends from home are sort of caught up in their new university life, and i'm even starting to get paranoid that they don't like me. I can also never accept compliments from my boyfriend - i always think he's lying, no one could ever love me, and i start to cry :\ my life is one big mess.
i know this is a bit of a rant, but has anyone else felt this way at university? i thought it would be such a fun and exciting time, but its been the worse experience of my life so far.
However ever since i've started university, everything has went down hill
My decision for university was pending on results day because i got BBB instead of ABB, i did eventually get accepted - however as a result i didn't get my first preference at halls, and was put in non alcohol accomodation.My hallmates there were born again christians, were very shy, rarely emerged from their room and didn't even go to the cinema never mind clubbing, so i made no friendships there. My course hours are really short - 10 hours a week, so after making no friends in my non alcohol accommodation or class, and crying every evening down the phone to my parents, i decided i would put my name on the waiting list to move rooms.
In the middle of November I got placed in normal halls. I really tried to make an effort buying a box of sweets for the kitchen, knocking doors to introduce myself, and made an effort to go out clubbing or shopping with them, even if i did have work to do! However I still feel like an outsider because i'm just treated like the new girl who moved in late
i feel like i'm tagging along.My self esteem has went to 0, i'm always thinking im worthless and that i must be horrible if no one likes me
i cry everyday when i come home from class, and i've started to get really nervous in social situations. I'm convinced everyone is staring at me, that i'm hideous, and my heart starts racing. All i want to do is go home in crawl in bed.My friends from home are sort of caught up in their new university life, and i'm even starting to get paranoid that they don't like me. I can also never accept compliments from my boyfriend - i always think he's lying, no one could ever love me, and i start to cry :\ my life is one big mess.
i know this is a bit of a rant, but has anyone else felt this way at university? i thought it would be such a fun and exciting time, but its been the worse experience of my life so far.Oh, this sounds grim..
I'm really sorry to hear you got off to such a sticky start. What a nightmare! First a bunch of born again Christians and now dealing with the dynamics of friendship groups that were already set before you arrived. Its no wonder that its been tough going!This has nothing to do with your personal likeability or not. Its just really unfortunate that this set of circumstances existed and you've got sort of trapped in it all. You also sound as if you have excellent social skills (all that knocking on doors and sweets for the kitchen... good stuff!)
These would be my suggestions:
1. The friendship groups in your new hall are only partially working for you. These people don't sound like they are going to evolve into your core group of people. Put them down in your head as 'casuals' ie people you can say hello to and chat to occasionally when you feel like it, maybe even have a coffee or something with if you see them around, go to a club with occasionally if it comes up.
2. You can try altering the dynamics and seeing if you get on better with some of these people than others. For instance if there is usually a large group of people together then try asking one of them at a time to do something together. I don't know the actual set up so its quite hard to say much more than that.
3. You have to find some other groups and people now and try them out. The easiest way to do this is via societies. You can join and go to meetings of as many of them as it takes. YOU are doing a reccie.... working out if they are your type of people or not. You are not working out if they will like you... important to remember that... Being the social secretary of any society is always the best way to get into it... ie you get to arrange the activities and the going out.... some smaller and sports societies don't have a soc.sec or you can join a society with an eye to getting to be soc.sec when the current one moves on... Alternatively depending on your subject and skills there are things like the university drama group, newspaper, radio.... If all else fails I'd start to have a look at things that are done locally outside the uni. such as film co-ops etc
4. In the second year re: living out. There are always adverts from students looking to make up the numbers in a group. If you haven't met anyone you feel like sharing with before then its quite good to answer some of these adverts... also gives you a chance to meet a whole new set of people and make a fresh start... because they've advertised and are inviting someone to join them its psychologically different and the dynamics of these types of groups often work well with the 'joiner' becoming a full part of the new set up. You could even consider advertising yourself if you find a property you like and want three or four people to share with you.
5. A part time or voluntary job can lead to meeting new people... bar work inside or outside the uni for instance.... even retail where you can meet people who aren't students
6. See if you can get a study group going for the people on your course... maybe a notice in the department like: 'Thinking of starting a study group for first years... anyone interested?' The group could meet in the library or something for an hour and then go on to drink or coffee or pizza or whatever....'
Don't despair!!!! Sometimes its like there's a shortage of people we really like and then a whole bunch can come along at once. Until they do the important thing is not to start blaming yourself!
Last but not least you do sound as if you may actually be depressed: crying, feeling worthless, blaming yourself and beginning to think the future looks terrible and there is no way out, wanting to hide away and the start of panic attacks in some situations. I think booking in to see a university counsellor where you can talk about how you feel in complete privacy would be really good right now until this situation gets sorted. It means there will be at least one person every week to listen to you absolutely and I think you need some good support to see you through this. If it gets any worse don't be afraid to go and see your GP and tell him how you're feeling.
Lots of hugs
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by toddman10
I have spoken to a few people on my course and outside of course over the past 5 months and I know I will never make proper friends at uni because my confidence has taken a battering, people speak behind my back all the time 'that guys really weird' how can they call me weird when they haven't said one word to me? I wouldn't want to be friends with people who treat people that way anyway. I had zero friends at school for about 3 years so I am used to it and uni is practically part time compared to school so it isn't a big deal.
Hmm well TBH i dont feel like i can help you because it doesnt seem like you WANT to make friends..?
It is hard when people have treated you badly in the past but not everyone is the same and im sure there are some people that maybe you haven't met or spoken to who won't be like that. Its hard to go through life with no friends- they're the people you need to help support you and that you can go to when things go wrong.
Original post by Wave
I can never understand how these two statements can crop up in the same post. I dunno about everyone else but if I got a girlfriend all my social anxiety issues would be gone with the wind.
Anyway OP you have been there what 2 and a bit months? Did you expect to be best of friends with your new hallmates in that time?
I can never understand how these two statements can crop up in the same post. I dunno about everyone else but if I got a girlfriend all my social anxiety issues would be gone with the wind.
Anyway OP you have been there what 2 and a bit months? Did you expect to be best of friends with your new hallmates in that time?
been there 4 and a half months, nope didn't expect to be BEST friends, just expected i would have people to talk to y'know
Original post by Stevo112
My thoughts are that maybe OP has gotten a lil cozy with boyfriend. He is there, he provides support and stimulates her. He is probably a good lad whom keeps her nicely in a little comfort zone and now that OP has gone to uni in this way it is a bit of a shock.
Dont forget also that freshers are monkeys. Guys are more likely to look at OP and think 'man if only i could muster up the courage to order a pint or talk to that girl then i might get my leg over', then she couldn't connect with the born again christians, and she is now thrown in with formed groups which can be a bitch if you miss it (ive been on both sides of the coin).
There is no logic during first year. All these things are in OP's mind, because ultimately you don't need anything except a good bloke, good family and a few core friends who you can travel with/swim with/cinema with/talk about books with/go to clubs with..... whatever your thing is! The rest is just trading equity with a bunch of people whom you will probably never meet again! But OP has to discover this all for herself.
Dont forget also that freshers are monkeys. Guys are more likely to look at OP and think 'man if only i could muster up the courage to order a pint or talk to that girl then i might get my leg over', then she couldn't connect with the born again christians, and she is now thrown in with formed groups which can be a bitch if you miss it (ive been on both sides of the coin).
There is no logic during first year. All these things are in OP's mind, because ultimately you don't need anything except a good bloke, good family and a few core friends who you can travel with/swim with/cinema with/talk about books with/go to clubs with..... whatever your thing is! The rest is just trading equity with a bunch of people whom you will probably never meet again! But OP has to discover this all for herself.
thankyou for your reply! you have hit the nail on the head when it comes to what i'm feeling! thanks for that good advice!
Original post by catoswyn
Oh, this sounds grim.. I'm really sorry to hear you got off to such a sticky start. What a nightmare! First a bunch of born again Christians and now dealing with the dynamics of friendship groups that were already set before you arrived. Its no wonder that its been tough going!
This has nothing to do with your personal likeability or not. Its just really unfortunate that this set of circumstances existed and you've got sort of trapped in it all. You also sound as if you have excellent social skills (all that knocking on doors and sweets for the kitchen... good stuff!)
These would be my suggestions:
1. The friendship groups in your new hall are only partially working for you. These people don't sound like they are going to evolve into your core group of people. Put them down in your head as 'casuals' ie people you can say hello to and chat to occasionally when you feel like it, maybe even have a coffee or something with if you see them around, go to a club with occasionally if it comes up.
2. You can try altering the dynamics and seeing if you get on better with some of these people than others. For instance if there is usually a large group of people together then try asking one of them at a time to do something together. I don't know the actual set up so its quite hard to say much more than that.
3. You have to find some other groups and people now and try them out. The easiest way to do this is via societies. You can join and go to meetings of as many of them as it takes. YOU are doing a reccie.... working out if they are your type of people or not. You are not working out if they will like you... important to remember that... Being the social secretary of any society is always the best way to get into it... ie you get to arrange the activities and the going out.... some smaller and sports societies don't have a soc.sec or you can join a society with an eye to getting to be soc.sec when the current one moves on... Alternatively depending on your subject and skills there are things like the university drama group, newspaper, radio.... If all else fails I'd start to have a look at things that are done locally outside the uni. such as film co-ops etc
4. In the second year re: living out. There are always adverts from students looking to make up the numbers in a group. If you haven't met anyone you feel like sharing with before then its quite good to answer some of these adverts... also gives you a chance to meet a whole new set of people and make a fresh start... because they've advertised and are inviting someone to join them its psychologically different and the dynamics of these types of groups often work well with the 'joiner' becoming a full part of the new set up. You could even consider advertising yourself if you find a property you like and want three or four people to share with you.
5. A part time or voluntary job can lead to meeting new people... bar work inside or outside the uni for instance.... even retail where you can meet people who aren't students
6. See if you can get a study group going for the people on your course... maybe a notice in the department like: 'Thinking of starting a study group for first years... anyone interested?' The group could meet in the library or something for an hour and then go on to drink or coffee or pizza or whatever....'
Don't despair!!!! Sometimes its like there's a shortage of people we really like and then a whole bunch can come along at once. Until they do the important thing is not to start blaming yourself!
Last but not least you do sound as if you may actually be depressed: crying, feeling worthless, blaming yourself and beginning to think the future looks terrible and there is no way out, wanting to hide away and the start of panic attacks in some situations. I think booking in to see a university counsellor where you can talk about how you feel in complete privacy would be really good right now until this situation gets sorted. It means there will be at least one person every week to listen to you absolutely and I think you need some good support to see you through this. If it gets any worse don't be afraid to go and see your GP and tell him how you're feeling.
Lots of hugs
I'm really sorry to hear you got off to such a sticky start. What a nightmare! First a bunch of born again Christians and now dealing with the dynamics of friendship groups that were already set before you arrived. Its no wonder that its been tough going!This has nothing to do with your personal likeability or not. Its just really unfortunate that this set of circumstances existed and you've got sort of trapped in it all. You also sound as if you have excellent social skills (all that knocking on doors and sweets for the kitchen... good stuff!)
These would be my suggestions:
1. The friendship groups in your new hall are only partially working for you. These people don't sound like they are going to evolve into your core group of people. Put them down in your head as 'casuals' ie people you can say hello to and chat to occasionally when you feel like it, maybe even have a coffee or something with if you see them around, go to a club with occasionally if it comes up.
2. You can try altering the dynamics and seeing if you get on better with some of these people than others. For instance if there is usually a large group of people together then try asking one of them at a time to do something together. I don't know the actual set up so its quite hard to say much more than that.
3. You have to find some other groups and people now and try them out. The easiest way to do this is via societies. You can join and go to meetings of as many of them as it takes. YOU are doing a reccie.... working out if they are your type of people or not. You are not working out if they will like you... important to remember that... Being the social secretary of any society is always the best way to get into it... ie you get to arrange the activities and the going out.... some smaller and sports societies don't have a soc.sec or you can join a society with an eye to getting to be soc.sec when the current one moves on... Alternatively depending on your subject and skills there are things like the university drama group, newspaper, radio.... If all else fails I'd start to have a look at things that are done locally outside the uni. such as film co-ops etc
4. In the second year re: living out. There are always adverts from students looking to make up the numbers in a group. If you haven't met anyone you feel like sharing with before then its quite good to answer some of these adverts... also gives you a chance to meet a whole new set of people and make a fresh start... because they've advertised and are inviting someone to join them its psychologically different and the dynamics of these types of groups often work well with the 'joiner' becoming a full part of the new set up. You could even consider advertising yourself if you find a property you like and want three or four people to share with you.
5. A part time or voluntary job can lead to meeting new people... bar work inside or outside the uni for instance.... even retail where you can meet people who aren't students
6. See if you can get a study group going for the people on your course... maybe a notice in the department like: 'Thinking of starting a study group for first years... anyone interested?' The group could meet in the library or something for an hour and then go on to drink or coffee or pizza or whatever....'
Don't despair!!!! Sometimes its like there's a shortage of people we really like and then a whole bunch can come along at once. Until they do the important thing is not to start blaming yourself!
Last but not least you do sound as if you may actually be depressed: crying, feeling worthless, blaming yourself and beginning to think the future looks terrible and there is no way out, wanting to hide away and the start of panic attacks in some situations. I think booking in to see a university counsellor where you can talk about how you feel in complete privacy would be really good right now until this situation gets sorted. It means there will be at least one person every week to listen to you absolutely and I think you need some good support to see you through this. If it gets any worse don't be afraid to go and see your GP and tell him how you're feeling.
Lots of hugs
thanks - great advice
have taken on board!Original post by hkukbex
Hmm well TBH i dont feel like i can help you because it doesnt seem like you WANT to make friends..?
It is hard when people have treated you badly in the past but not everyone is the same and im sure there are some people that maybe you haven't met or spoken to who won't be like that. Its hard to go through life with no friends- they're the people you need to help support you and that you can go to when things go wrong.
It is hard when people have treated you badly in the past but not everyone is the same and im sure there are some people that maybe you haven't met or spoken to who won't be like that. Its hard to go through life with no friends- they're the people you need to help support you and that you can go to when things go wrong.
i go to family when things are wrong, i have 2 good friends outside of uni, i would rather have 2 good friends than 100 people i casually talk to
Original post by toddman10
Original post by toddman10
i go to family when things are wrong, i have 2 good friends outside of uni, i would rather have 2 good friends than 100 people i casually talk to
Thats really interesting to hear you say that. There has been research done into people's views of friendship and the way they organise their social groups. It turns out that people pretty much fall into certain categories depending on personality type. The preferences start very early and can be observed in primary school children. Seeing the two sets of opinions in the posts between you and hkukbex is like seeing two people from different categories trying to talk about what they think is the same thing but means different things to each. There are no rights or wrongs either. There is no one approach that is the 'true one.'
From memory I think the categories are:
1. Those who prefer and are happy to be alone most of the time: the 'happy isolate'. They may have friends at a distance and be happy to communicate via writing or occasional telephone call. They will feel as close to these friends as if they saw them daily but have no particular need to do so.
2. Those who want to have a 'pair friendship' where they relate best to seeing friends one by one and having a 'best friend' and confidant. If a third person tries to join this pair it can lead to the third person being disliked intensely by one of the friends who sees this as an intrusion.
3. Those who feel happiest in small groups of people who they know very well: a 'group of best friends' if you like.
4. Those who want many and diverse groups of friends with whom to socialise or undertake activities (men often like this kind of group) Little demand for confidant status. These groups can be as simple as drinking companions or as intense as a rowing team working together for a competition.
We all can experience friendship from each type but apparently we will have a preferred 'style' which makes us feel most comfortable.
Problems arise when a person can't find the type of friendship they prefer. For instance a person looking for a 'pair type confidant friendship might keep bumping into people already happily getting on with their preferred grouping of 'social, social, social....' Going to uni people are often told they should be concentrating on the 'social type friendship' with shared activities and going out, this can lead to problems and disorientation for those who need another type of friendship than the 'social category' They may know lots of people but still not feel thay have any 'friends' because the type of friendship they prefer is not yet established/available. They may have assumed that replacement friendships of the type they prefer would be easily available and this may not be so immediately.
I think some of the problems you've come across in life are fairly well documented. For instance once a friendship group is set up and everyone feels right about it then it can become protective of itself and use 'outsiders' to re-inforce the sense of unity in the group. This can lead to bullying of various types. Isolates, happy or not, can be the target of this bullying. It is not really personal against the person being bullied though it is put in those terms, it is a technique some groups use to keep and test bonds..... if there is no available single person then another group similar to their own may be used as the 'outsider', hence gangs etc. Gossip is a version of a bonding tool. When people are saying 'that guy is weird' they have no personal experience to go on, they are really saying, 'aren't we all similar' to the other people in their group... a kind of re-assurance beahaviour that they themselves 'fit in'. Not much comfort I know if you find you are accidently in the 'designated outsider role' for a group of people.
Anyway, sorry to go on.... just thinking aloud really and was interested in your stated view of what friendship means for you and what you have been experiencing..
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by twelvepenguinbugs
Original post by twelvepenguinbugs
I can relate to most of what you posted but especially this, my lack of friends here is affecting my relationships with other people & I'm just down generally, making me seem even more antisocial so it's a bit of a vicious cycle I don't even want to go out much just have people there to talk to/who want to talk to me and I've tried everything. Even people from my school who came to the same uni seem much better settled in so I must've done something wrong
I posted a similar thread on tsr somewhere a while ago and the only responses were from people in similar situations so I guess at least we're not alone! Uni is massively overhyped imo. Are you in an LDR or is your boyfriend close? If so surely you'll be able to get through? If not I sympathise with it entirely as I just end up counting down the days to when I see him/go home, two things I'm having to do all the time to get away from uni as much as possible Sorry I can't be of much help but I really sympathise!
I don't even want to go out much just have people there to talk to/who want to talk to me and I've tried everything. Even people from my school who came to the same uni seem much better settled in so I must've done something wrong I posted a similar thread on tsr somewhere a while ago and the only responses were from people in similar situations so I guess at least we're not alone! Uni is massively overhyped imo. Are you in an LDR or is your boyfriend close? If so surely you'll be able to get through? If not I sympathise with it entirely as I just end up counting down the days to when I see him/go home, two things I'm having to do all the time to get away from uni as much as possible
Sorry I can't be of much help but I really sympathise!I'm sorry to read you too are having a hard time with this friendship stuff at uni
I don't know all your circumstances but I can guarantee that the situation will not be because you have done something wrong. That is how we all tend to think when things look awful. We start to blame ourselves and as you so rightly point out that leads to a vicious circle. I hope you can work out a way that university can work for you and that things improve in future. Its good that you have your boyfriend to talk to. If you do want to you would be welcome to PM me.
Big hugs,
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Original post by Anonymous
This is so similiar to me its scary If you looked at my Facebook you'd think i was having the time of my life but i'm so lonely and i can't take much more of this.
I moved halls too and i do have a group of 'friends' but i really don't understand them. One day they will say hi, and they will knock for me if they're doing something. I always get invited for predrinks and nights out. But some days i will be completely ignored. One of them has just invited a few people out somewhere and blanked me even though i was in the room! I can't tell if these people like me or if i'm just a tag along..
I haven't made any friends on my course and i can't see how i will because there aren't enough contact hours. My subject has 3 hours per WEEK. I've had the day off today and so far it has been - wake up at 3pm, go for a walk, sit on my laptop. The only social interaction i've had was a brief conversation with my friend when i was going to the shower. Nobody has asked me to live with them next year and i have nobody to ask, my self esteem (which was never high anyway) has plummeted and i don't have any confidence when talking to people as there is obviously some glaring reason why nobody likes me.
At least you and the other girl who posted have boyfriends. I'm craving a relationship so much at the moment and i'm certain this is because i'm really lonely and miss the emotional closeness. But it's making me feel even worse because nobody has shown any interest
I'm completely lost about my housing situation and i feel so lonely. I'd give anything to have 1 person who i'm close with and i can open up to I know if i don't meet people this year i probably never will which is terrifying me. I can't do another 2 and a half years of this. All this is meaning i have no motivation to do the work on my course.
If you looked at my Facebook you'd think i was having the time of my life but i'm so lonely and i can't take much more of this.I moved halls too and i do have a group of 'friends' but i really don't understand them. One day they will say hi, and they will knock for me if they're doing something. I always get invited for predrinks and nights out. But some days i will be completely ignored. One of them has just invited a few people out somewhere and blanked me even though i was in the room! I can't tell if these people like me or if i'm just a tag along..
I haven't made any friends on my course and i can't see how i will because there aren't enough contact hours. My subject has 3 hours per WEEK. I've had the day off today and so far it has been - wake up at 3pm, go for a walk, sit on my laptop. The only social interaction i've had was a brief conversation with my friend when i was going to the shower. Nobody has asked me to live with them next year and i have nobody to ask, my self esteem (which was never high anyway) has plummeted and i don't have any confidence when talking to people as there is obviously some glaring reason why nobody likes me.
At least you and the other girl who posted have boyfriends. I'm craving a relationship so much at the moment and i'm certain this is because i'm really lonely and miss the emotional closeness. But it's making me feel even worse because nobody has shown any interest
I'm completely lost about my housing situation and i feel so lonely. I'd give anything to have 1 person who i'm close with and i can open up to
I know if i don't meet people this year i probably never will which is terrifying me. I can't do another 2 and a half years of this. All this is meaning i have no motivation to do the work on my course.I've posted on other people's messages in this thread with various things including something about housing I think so hopefully you can read those threads. But i just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. It is horrible to feel so lonely and it sounds as if it is making you depressed and panicky about the future. As I said to the OP consider booking sessions with a university counsellor. They are trained to listen really rather than provide instant solutions but there is something good about being able to unload what you're feeling to someone whose job it is to listen just to you for once. It can be really helpful especially if you're feeling isolated. Are you a long way from home... PM me if you want to talk.
Hugs
Original post by catoswyn
... First a bunch of born again Christians...
"A born-again Christian"? Isn't that like saying "a see-through window"?
Original post by NJA
"A born-again Christian"? Isn't that like saying "a see-through window"?
I have no idea why they call themselves that. It seems to be how they wish to be identified though...
Hey everyone,
I read this forum from time to time. I don't post here very often but this thread caught my eye.
When I started at university three years ago (October 2008) I experienced many of the same problems that some of you are experiencing now. Having had plenty of friends at school - even though I wasn't exactly in the 'popular crowd' - it didn't really cross my mind that I might have trouble fitting in at uni. In freshers' week I did all the right things, going to every single event and talking to everybody I met, but for some reason it just didn't work for me. From the very first day I felt that cliques had already formed (crazy, I know! - but perhaps you can relate) and people wouldn't even give me a chance. It was scary how quickly and tightly the groups formed. It didn't help that I was in a very isolated accommodation block with only two other girls, whom I didn't get on with particularly well. Like some of the posters here, I was also studying a subject with few contact hours (only 2 a week). I didn't feel like I fitted in with the people in my college or on my course.
For several weeks I kept putting myself out there socially and going to freshers' events, but the 'tagging along' feeling that some of you describe so well just made me cringe. I got fed up with going to nightclubs - usually because some drunken 'friend' (acquaintance) dragged me there - and then being left there alone when the clique inevitably abandoned me. Eventually I just gave up and accepted the fact that I didn't have any friends in college. For a while I was really embarrassed about it and didn't want to admit it even to my mum, but I found that it got easier once I accepted it and stopped trying so desperately hard to fit in with people who, frankly, weren't very nice and didn't like me for some unknown reason that I never found out. I had done my best to make friends so I tried not to blame myself. If you're willing to be open about this issue with other people you might be surprised how many of them respond with 'yeah, me too...' I still found it upsetting, of course, but I did reach some degree of acceptance over it, which helped.
Anyway, the whole point of posting this is because my story has a happy ending. I wanted you all to know that you can get through this and be happy on the other side - and that doesn't necessarily even involve leaving uni. I know that the suggestion to join societies is a cliche, but it really does work if you get involved with several things consistently over time. In my three and a half years at uni I've been involved with a choir and various other musical things, volunteered in the community, gone along to quite a few politics events, edited a university publication, etc etc... You don't even need to do something big or prestigious; anything where you meet people on a regular basis is good. There are so many clubs and societies at unis these days that there is bound to be something that you'd enjoy and that would be a good fit for you. I joined the choir in my very first week and discovered over a period of several months that it gave me the feeling of belonging that I didn't get from my college (impossible not to develop when you spend four evenings a week rehearsing together!).
Anyway, to cut a long story short (and to skip out some pretty nasty things that happened to me), I now find myself doing a fourth year. This still amazes me because at several points I was suicidal and an inch away from dropping out of uni altogether. The fact that I chose to do a totally voluntary fourth year shows how much my university experience has turned itself around. I now find myself with a wide range of friends - in different colleges, studying different subjects, of different ages, etc. Some have graduated and others are still here. Some never even went to the university in the first place yet I met them here anyway. It's taken time - I think part of the reason for the problems described in this thread is that people tend to cling instantly to whoever happens to be living next to them in freshers' week - but I can honestly now say that my friends are great, and that I chose them. They weren't the first people I met, but they were the best. If that's cheesy, I'm sorry
I can now say hand on heart that the problems I had at the beginning no longer bother me. In general, the people in my college were horrid and I'm genuinely glad I'm not friends with them. It all seems like a distant memory now.
So hang on in there. Try to come to terms with the situation in your halls/college and focus on your degree and on getting out and meeting new people as often as you can. Things can and will get better.
I read this forum from time to time. I don't post here very often but this thread caught my eye.
When I started at university three years ago (October 2008) I experienced many of the same problems that some of you are experiencing now. Having had plenty of friends at school - even though I wasn't exactly in the 'popular crowd' - it didn't really cross my mind that I might have trouble fitting in at uni. In freshers' week I did all the right things, going to every single event and talking to everybody I met, but for some reason it just didn't work for me. From the very first day I felt that cliques had already formed (crazy, I know! - but perhaps you can relate) and people wouldn't even give me a chance. It was scary how quickly and tightly the groups formed. It didn't help that I was in a very isolated accommodation block with only two other girls, whom I didn't get on with particularly well. Like some of the posters here, I was also studying a subject with few contact hours (only 2 a week). I didn't feel like I fitted in with the people in my college or on my course.
For several weeks I kept putting myself out there socially and going to freshers' events, but the 'tagging along' feeling that some of you describe so well just made me cringe. I got fed up with going to nightclubs - usually because some drunken 'friend' (acquaintance) dragged me there - and then being left there alone when the clique inevitably abandoned me. Eventually I just gave up and accepted the fact that I didn't have any friends in college. For a while I was really embarrassed about it and didn't want to admit it even to my mum, but I found that it got easier once I accepted it and stopped trying so desperately hard to fit in with people who, frankly, weren't very nice and didn't like me for some unknown reason that I never found out. I had done my best to make friends so I tried not to blame myself. If you're willing to be open about this issue with other people you might be surprised how many of them respond with 'yeah, me too...' I still found it upsetting, of course, but I did reach some degree of acceptance over it, which helped.
Anyway, the whole point of posting this is because my story has a happy ending. I wanted you all to know that you can get through this and be happy on the other side - and that doesn't necessarily even involve leaving uni. I know that the suggestion to join societies is a cliche, but it really does work if you get involved with several things consistently over time. In my three and a half years at uni I've been involved with a choir and various other musical things, volunteered in the community, gone along to quite a few politics events, edited a university publication, etc etc... You don't even need to do something big or prestigious; anything where you meet people on a regular basis is good. There are so many clubs and societies at unis these days that there is bound to be something that you'd enjoy and that would be a good fit for you. I joined the choir in my very first week and discovered over a period of several months that it gave me the feeling of belonging that I didn't get from my college (impossible not to develop when you spend four evenings a week rehearsing together!).
Anyway, to cut a long story short (and to skip out some pretty nasty things that happened to me), I now find myself doing a fourth year. This still amazes me because at several points I was suicidal and an inch away from dropping out of uni altogether. The fact that I chose to do a totally voluntary fourth year shows how much my university experience has turned itself around. I now find myself with a wide range of friends - in different colleges, studying different subjects, of different ages, etc. Some have graduated and others are still here. Some never even went to the university in the first place yet I met them here anyway. It's taken time - I think part of the reason for the problems described in this thread is that people tend to cling instantly to whoever happens to be living next to them in freshers' week - but I can honestly now say that my friends are great, and that I chose them. They weren't the first people I met, but they were the best. If that's cheesy, I'm sorry
I can now say hand on heart that the problems I had at the beginning no longer bother me. In general, the people in my college were horrid and I'm genuinely glad I'm not friends with them. It all seems like a distant memory now.So hang on in there. Try to come to terms with the situation in your halls/college and focus on your degree and on getting out and meeting new people as often as you can. Things can and will get better.
I know exactly how you feel. I got put into halls with 5 chinese people, and they just click together and talk in a different language and everything. I have nothing against them but they didn't really socialize with other people so I had to go out there by myself, and everyone was in clicks with their flatmates.
I did eventually make a few friends but they ditched me when it came to planning 2nd year housing and since then we haven't talked much. Every time I go to a society meeting I don't feel like I get along with anyone there =/
I really dunno what to do
I did eventually make a few friends but they ditched me when it came to planning 2nd year housing and since then we haven't talked much. Every time I go to a society meeting I don't feel like I get along with anyone there =/
I really dunno what to do
Original post by Wave
I can never understand how these two statements can crop up in the same post. I dunno about everyone else but if I got a girlfriend all my social anxiety issues would be gone with the wind.
Anyway OP you have been there what 2 and a bit months? Did you expect to be best of friends with your new hallmates in that time?
I can never understand how these two statements can crop up in the same post. I dunno about everyone else but if I got a girlfriend all my social anxiety issues would be gone with the wind.
Anyway OP you have been there what 2 and a bit months? Did you expect to be best of friends with your new hallmates in that time?
Everyone makes this same assumption and it's a compete mistake.
Everyone thinks if I just got a girl/boyfriend then my life would be perfect. It doesn't work like that usually. Having a boyfriend doesn't make you all of a sudden very sociable and outgoing.
Original post by Anonymous
Everyone makes this same assumption and it's a compete mistake.
Everyone thinks if I just got a girl/boyfriend then my life would be perfect. It doesn't work like that usually. Having a boyfriend doesn't make you all of a sudden very sociable and outgoing.
Everyone thinks if I just got a girl/boyfriend then my life would be perfect. It doesn't work like that usually. Having a boyfriend doesn't make you all of a sudden very sociable and outgoing.
Original post by catoswyn
I've posted on other people's messages in this thread with various things including something about housing I think so hopefully you can read those threads. But i just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. It is horrible to feel so lonely and it sounds as if it is making you depressed and panicky about the future. As I said to the OP consider booking sessions with a university counsellor. They are trained to listen really rather than provide instant solutions but there is something good about being able to unload what you're feeling to someone whose job it is to listen just to you for once. It can be really helpful especially if you're feeling isolated. Are you a long way from home... PM me if you want to talk.
Hugs
Hugs
Just noticed this, i do appreciate it but things have improved bigtime since i wrote that. I think i was over thinking/worrying
A few weeks ago two things happened, i got a part time job and i was put on anti depressants. Since then? My confidence has shot up and this has allowed me to meet a lot of new people, remind old friends that i exist and most importantly realise that this group i'm part of from halls ARE proper friends. I opened up to a few of them when i was feeling really down and their reactions said it all really. I know that i can show up and they like having me around, so people are knocking for me when things are going on, etc.Still have no idea who i'm going to live with next year but for now, who cares? I'm having a great time at the moment
Original post by Anonymous
Just noticed this, i do appreciate it but things have improved bigtime since i wrote that. I think i was over thinking/worrying A few weeks ago two things happened, i got a part time job and i was put on anti depressants. Since then? My confidence has shot up and this has allowed me to meet a lot of new people, remind old friends that i exist and most importantly realise that this group i'm part of from halls ARE proper friends. I opened up to a few of them when i was feeling really down and their reactions said it all really. I know that i can show up and they like having me around, so people are knocking for me when things are going on, etc.
Still have no idea who i'm going to live with next year but for now, who cares? I'm having a great time at the moment
A few weeks ago two things happened, i got a part time job and i was put on anti depressants. Since then? My confidence has shot up and this has allowed me to meet a lot of new people, remind old friends that i exist and most importantly realise that this group i'm part of from halls ARE proper friends. I opened up to a few of them when i was feeling really down and their reactions said it all really. I know that i can show up and they like having me around, so people are knocking for me when things are going on, etc.Still have no idea who i'm going to live with next year but for now, who cares? I'm having a great time at the moment
That is brilliant news!!!
