Competition - post a photo you've taken of nature >>

Any tips on how to improve please

This is just a small piece I thought of, I’m 14 and wondering is this is okay for my age, thank you in advanced!

As I stand, perplexed within my own questioning, the consequences have not slipped through, realisation drowned with guilt far beyond the eye. Reality was all but a mind game, joy, a numbing agent for political outrage, global hunger, disease. Hiding secrets within their own colt not sharing information to the ones who are suffering, thinking healthcare was a profitable business, a good marketing scheme. The antidote never to be released, for then the notes and the coppers would spiral out of their owners pockets. I still stand gazed, eyes fixed upon a certain area of the foliage, a patch of Bluebells freshly ascended from the cracks within the decking, overjoyed to be free. They waved in perfect harmony, like a shoal of fish on a new patch of turf. The clouds were begging low, air feels stuffy, the insoles of my shoes cold, yet not unbearable to tread. Hands digging between my low-hanging jumper determined to find warmth, yet they couldn’t. As the wind got more aggressive it began to shout belligerently, angered of my presence in a way I could not decrypt.

Reply 1

username2345291

It's good but the main thing that stands out to me is that it sounds as if you're trying to use longer, more advanced words just for the sake of it. Of course, sophisticated vocabulary is important and usually makes a big difference to how much the reader enjoys the passage, but there's also a line of 'too much'. It should be detailed, but still easy and enjoyable to read. Also sometimes adding too many 'fancy' words, the actual meaning is lost and the reader is so focused on trying to find the meaning that they can't appreciate the writing.

Pros: good use of setting, particularly the way you described the wind shouting in the last sentence.
Cons: use simpler language and shorter sentences to make the passage more powerful and enjoyable to read.

Reply 2

esralled

Is it okay for your age? As the other poster said, you've made it far too wordy. It doesn't read like any sort of story, it reads like a creative writing excersise. People your age might not be able to use the words you have accurately, but they can write a passage that makes sense. In trying to sound sophisticated, you've regressed as a writer and really, you haven't written anything at all.