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creative writing (for fun)- can i have some feedback?

I enjoy creative writing as a pastime, but I've never had proper feedback from anybody on my work. I decided I should ask on here where people hopefully won't feel hesitant to give criticism- please do tell me what's wrong (as well as what's good), I'm always looking to improve and it'd be a bit silly to take offence when I'm the one asking for feedback.
Here's the beginning of some creative writing I've been working on:
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Mos Mothma- the Foreverland. The Eien built it from raw truth, reality and subconscious thoughts. It is a place that does not exist in the physical world. If you have a gifted mind, you will be able to live within it, and your physical form will no longer matter to your existence.
In other words, you will live forever.
In Mos Mothma, time itself is of no matter to its residents.
Centuries pass without change; that is why She created it.
Freedom from time is all She ever desired.
Time only means inevitable death,
age,
loss...
Time is precious to those who are bound by it, but it cares not for anyone or anything.
Time will only abandon you
when you take
your last breath.

“Dreams cannot be crafted without the underlying threads of reality,” The Eien says to Her students. “Trivial yearnings, petty passions... they are but mist, vanishing in instants.”
So when The Eien looks down upon the land of the transient, upon mortal joys and woes... She sees a world mired in impermanence.
While you only see fleeting bolts, Mos Mothma's lightning is forever.
Here
is where The Eien pursues
unfettered
and unperturbed
eternity.
✰✰✰
She stood alone in the shifting sands, the parching winds roaring in her ears like thunder.
Her hair, dark and long, was swept to one side by the hectic gale, dancing and darting like ribbon.
It was as if she didn’t know what was happening to her. It was as if she wasn’t aware of where she was. It was as if she did not realise that no-one would ever find her. She stared straight ahead, unblinking, unmoving, unsmiling, totally undaunted by the endless wasteland stretching infinitely in every direction.
Amidst the rust coloured sand dunes, the young lady stood out as a burst of cool colour in the vast expanse of scorched terrain; a vivid blue dahlia against a veritably Martian landscape. Her hair was so black that it seemed to shimmer violet in the dust-coloured light, whipped into frenzy by the perfervid gale. Her ivory complexion did not suggest that it had ever seen the light of the sun, yet she seemed unfazed by its unforgiving glare now. She wore a long cloak which reached her calves, made of a supple fabric that looked almost liquid as it rippled and bellowed in the strong desert winds, shifting through hues of violet and trypan, wisteria and cobalt, stark against the eyesore of the red-orange dunes. A mulberry-coloured, corset-like raiment, generously bedecked with ornaments, clasped her waist, and long, fitted boots reached all the way above her knees.

She had been standing still for a long while now, a challenge to the impermanence of the artful, ephemeral sands.
But now she turned her head and relaxed her shoulders, and scanned her surroundings with intelligent eyes half-concealed by heavy lids. Surveying the sandscape with outward disinterest, she seemed to come to some conclusion about her situation. Slowly, but surely, she parted her lips to speak.
“Well," she said at last. "Thou art of... passing skill."
Her low and even voice, as if her queenly appearance was not enough, commanded respect and awe; her words flowed richly like molten metal in a forge. There was a certain regality to her as she spoke quietly, without exertion, and seemingly to nobody in particular- but if those words were to be directed at you, then you would certainly feel their cold disdain in your very soul.
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icl i'm kind of nervous to share this but uhh i hope i get something helpful out of this whether it be constructive criticism or a compliment :smile:
if you read all the way till here, thank you for your time!
(edited 2 weeks ago)
I think the beginning is gripping, it's really interesting. You use a lot of description, which is good in the start of a story, but maybe add a bit more dialogue later on. And the similes are original too, it really paints a picture of the scene.
As an improvement, I didn't recognise a few of the words you used (ephemeral, trypan, perfervid). Idk if it's just me. I could guess what they meant from the context though.
Also the mysterious She is a good "narrative hook" as my english teacher would say.
I think it's really good, and I'd like to read more of it.

Btw, well done for having enough courage to post it. As a creative writer for fun, ik how awkward it can be.....
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Moonand7Stars
I think the beginning is gripping, it's really interesting. You use a lot of description, which is good in the start of a story, but maybe add a bit more dialogue later on. And the similes are original too, it really paints a picture of the scene.
As an improvement, I didn't recognise a few of the words you used (ephemeral, trypan, perfervid). Idk if it's just me. I could guess what they meant from the context though.
Also the mysterious She is a good "narrative hook" as my english teacher would say.
I think it's really good, and I'd like to read more of it.

Btw, well done for having enough courage to post it. As a creative writer for fun, ik how awkward it can be.....
aa thank you so much! this really means a lot 🫶 i'll definitely take your advice into account.

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