aaMATTaa
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Hello I was wondering if anyone could mark/ improve any of this and would I get a high mark . I was practising descriptive paragraphs for a story

Description of a beautiful place
I gazed into the sunrise; birds whizzed past me like they were racing in the Olympics. They flapped and whistled as they sped past. The trees around me were dancing back and forth in the wind to the whistles of the birds. The soft mossy ground almost consumed me as I stepped forward as if I was putting my feet on a luxuriously comfortable cushion. As the sun rose it started to gently warm me and the miniscule snowflake-like fingers of the frost on the blades of grass gradually started to disappear. The sun began to sparkle brighter than a treasure chest. The sky was beginning to turn into beautiful bright blue with not a cloud in sight. As I walked forward, I came across a clear, still lake. Peering into the water was like looking at my reflection in a mirror. I felt truly at peace.

Description of a disgusting place
The alleyway was dirty, grey and unwelcoming. I felt as if at any minute I could be in danger and a mugger could leap out at me from the foreboding shadows. The dominant aroma was of bins that hadn’t been emptied for a few weeks. The rotten smell caught in the back of my throat as I inhaled. The buildings above on each side towered above like hostile giants, their windows gleaming like many eyes looking down on me watching my every move. It was eerily quiet and I could even hear my own heart pumping in my chest like an accelerating steam engine. The ground was covered in spiky shards of broken glass, ready to cut me to ribbons should I stumble and fall.
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Bc23
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(Original post by aaMATTaa)
Hello I was wondering if anyone could mark/ improve any of this and would I get a high mark . I was practising descriptive paragraphs for a story

Description of a beautiful place
I gazed into the sunrise; birds whizzed past me like they were racing in the Olympics. They flapped and whistled as they sped past. The trees around me were dancing back and forth in the wind to the whistles of the birds. The soft mossy ground almost consumed me as I stepped forward as if I was putting my feet on a luxuriously comfortable cushion. As the sun rose it started to gently warm me and the miniscule snowflake-like fingers of the frost on the blades of grass gradually started to disappear. The sun began to sparkle brighter than a treasure chest. The sky was beginning to turn into beautiful bright blue with not a cloud in sight. As I walked forward, I came across a clear, still lake. Peering into the water was like looking at my reflection in a mirror. I felt truly at peace.

Description of a disgusting place
The alleyway was dirty, grey and unwelcoming. I felt as if at any minute I could be in danger and a mugger could leap out at me from the foreboding shadows. The dominant aroma was of bins that hadn’t been emptied for a few weeks. The rotten smell caught in the back of my throat as I inhaled. The buildings above on each side towered above like hostile giants, their windows gleaming like many eyes looking down on me watching my every move. It was eerily quiet and I could even hear my own heart pumping in my chest like an accelerating steam engine. The ground was covered in spiky shards of broken glass, ready to cut me to ribbons should I stumble and fall.
You can clearly use a range a adjectives and sentence forms, with mostly accurate use of punctuation. However, you should try to use of variety of sentence structures and include more literary devices such as metaphors, similes and other imagery.
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