I am a kissless virgin at 19 and its affecting my health and life in every way
Hi everyone,
I will turn 19 next April, throughout my life, I have always been ignored by girls since I was very little. As time went on, I kept on ignoring this issue and when I was at year 12 and 13 I didn’t care about having a relationship at all as I focused a lot on my studies and made the excuse that I wouldn’t be in a relationship because it would distract me (which was I guess a subconscious mechanism to cope with this issue), and I believed it would go on to be like this and didn’t think it would be a problem. It was like this until university began.
To me, uni is a very different place to sixth form and I started going to parties, night clubs and everything else was much more sexualised and there were people kissing, having casual sex all around me (I study at birmingham maybe its only my uni but I don’t think thats the case), since I was never exposed to such an environment I went into shock and I tried to pull girls at clubs or talk to girls at parties, a friend even tried helping me (he already has a gf) but none of them seemed interested at me however people around me in the clubs were kissing all the time. I started hearing people in my flat or people from my friends flat doing flatcest, flatmates encountering people they had casual sex with at cinemas. As I realised that I can’t do what other people do I started becoming depressed. As time went on, I started crying, hyperventilating for hours and not sleeping even a minute because I was alone, listening to depressing songs. I texted so many of my close friends about being alone crying all the time. First I blamed being drunk as you become more emotional but it wasn’t the case as you’ll find out below.
I am part of a study group where I went out with them once, my friend I was with literally pulled so many girls and kissed with so many girls from the study group (he now regrets it) while I was watching. I wasn’t jealous because he is a nice guy and I was happy for him, but I became really sad seeing that I can’t do what he can and he is not a playboy type of guy and he is as attractive as me.
After that, it was the breaking point. Since that day, which was around 2 weeks ago, I can’t sleep. I literally have insomnia now and last week of uni I missed 2 lectures because I had to sleep in the morning at 10am because I spent the entire night crying and listening to sad music (wasn’t drunk in any of them it was genuine emotions). I don’t know what to do. I am back home as the term ended I can sleep better now as I am not exposed to these factors. I am feeling a bit less stressed now but I don’t think I can handle another term at uni if life goes like this.
I am average looking, 6’1 and I am not overweight. I just don’t know how to interact with girls and I feel like the second they see me they think I am an virgin. I just don’t want to die alone, the thought of dying or being alone scares me so much, yes night clubs are not about long term or even short term relationships but if people don’t even like you when they had 6 drinks how will people like me when they are sober? I just want to be loved, in fact that I am so desperate for a sign of love that some night I consider being gay but I can’t handle the concept of gay sex and it is gross to me. I am sorry for being who I am and miserable, it is embarrassing, I don’t and will never blame anyone girls for this. I have ADHD and I can speak english very well however I still have a language barrier which affects my social skills and it might be a factor to this. I was also raised by narcissist parents and have a horrendous relationship with them and they try to make my problems about themselves when I try to talk to them. I try to be really nice and kind to girls and never be rude or even swear next to them and I don’t know what makes me look like a loser for the last 20 years. The closest thing I was to kissing was some girls grinding on me but I didn’t know what to do.
Please guide me what to do, thanks everyone and please don’t be too harsh on me.
I will turn 19 next April, throughout my life, I have always been ignored by girls since I was very little. As time went on, I kept on ignoring this issue and when I was at year 12 and 13 I didn’t care about having a relationship at all as I focused a lot on my studies and made the excuse that I wouldn’t be in a relationship because it would distract me (which was I guess a subconscious mechanism to cope with this issue), and I believed it would go on to be like this and didn’t think it would be a problem. It was like this until university began.
To me, uni is a very different place to sixth form and I started going to parties, night clubs and everything else was much more sexualised and there were people kissing, having casual sex all around me (I study at birmingham maybe its only my uni but I don’t think thats the case), since I was never exposed to such an environment I went into shock and I tried to pull girls at clubs or talk to girls at parties, a friend even tried helping me (he already has a gf) but none of them seemed interested at me however people around me in the clubs were kissing all the time. I started hearing people in my flat or people from my friends flat doing flatcest, flatmates encountering people they had casual sex with at cinemas. As I realised that I can’t do what other people do I started becoming depressed. As time went on, I started crying, hyperventilating for hours and not sleeping even a minute because I was alone, listening to depressing songs. I texted so many of my close friends about being alone crying all the time. First I blamed being drunk as you become more emotional but it wasn’t the case as you’ll find out below.
I am part of a study group where I went out with them once, my friend I was with literally pulled so many girls and kissed with so many girls from the study group (he now regrets it) while I was watching. I wasn’t jealous because he is a nice guy and I was happy for him, but I became really sad seeing that I can’t do what he can and he is not a playboy type of guy and he is as attractive as me.
After that, it was the breaking point. Since that day, which was around 2 weeks ago, I can’t sleep. I literally have insomnia now and last week of uni I missed 2 lectures because I had to sleep in the morning at 10am because I spent the entire night crying and listening to sad music (wasn’t drunk in any of them it was genuine emotions). I don’t know what to do. I am back home as the term ended I can sleep better now as I am not exposed to these factors. I am feeling a bit less stressed now but I don’t think I can handle another term at uni if life goes like this.
I am average looking, 6’1 and I am not overweight. I just don’t know how to interact with girls and I feel like the second they see me they think I am an virgin. I just don’t want to die alone, the thought of dying or being alone scares me so much, yes night clubs are not about long term or even short term relationships but if people don’t even like you when they had 6 drinks how will people like me when they are sober? I just want to be loved, in fact that I am so desperate for a sign of love that some night I consider being gay but I can’t handle the concept of gay sex and it is gross to me. I am sorry for being who I am and miserable, it is embarrassing, I don’t and will never blame anyone girls for this. I have ADHD and I can speak english very well however I still have a language barrier which affects my social skills and it might be a factor to this. I was also raised by narcissist parents and have a horrendous relationship with them and they try to make my problems about themselves when I try to talk to them. I try to be really nice and kind to girls and never be rude or even swear next to them and I don’t know what makes me look like a loser for the last 20 years. The closest thing I was to kissing was some girls grinding on me but I didn’t know what to do.
Please guide me what to do, thanks everyone and please don’t be too harsh on me.
Hey man, most guys have been there before. My past relationship and current one I found purely because i have natural chemistry with them. You cannot look for a relationship, look for friends. If you hit it off? Then there's the potential of it going somewhere. I also recommend just straight up telling people they think they are attractive as this way they have the green light as to whether or not they wan to pursue you.
Don’t worry , me too babe. I am 57 tho
Original post by depressedlonely
Hi everyone,
I will turn 19 next April, throughout my life, I have always been ignored by girls since I was very little. As time went on, I kept on ignoring this issue and when I was at year 12 and 13 I didn’t care about having a relationship at all as I focused a lot on my studies and made the excuse that I wouldn’t be in a relationship because it would distract me (which was I guess a subconscious mechanism to cope with this issue), and I believed it would go on to be like this and didn’t think it would be a problem. It was like this until university began.
To me, uni is a very different place to sixth form and I started going to parties, night clubs and everything else was much more sexualised and there were people kissing, having casual sex all around me (I study at birmingham maybe its only my uni but I don’t think thats the case), since I was never exposed to such an environment I went into shock and I tried to pull girls at clubs or talk to girls at parties, a friend even tried helping me (he already has a gf) but none of them seemed interested at me however people around me in the clubs were kissing all the time. I started hearing people in my flat or people from my friends flat doing flatcest, flatmates encountering people they had casual sex with at cinemas. As I realised that I can’t do what other people do I started becoming depressed. As time went on, I started crying, hyperventilating for hours and not sleeping even a minute because I was alone, listening to depressing songs. I texted so many of my close friends about being alone crying all the time. First I blamed being drunk as you become more emotional but it wasn’t the case as you’ll find out below.
I am part of a study group where I went out with them once, my friend I was with literally pulled so many girls and kissed with so many girls from the study group (he now regrets it) while I was watching. I wasn’t jealous because he is a nice guy and I was happy for him, but I became really sad seeing that I can’t do what he can and he is not a playboy type of guy and he is as attractive as me.
After that, it was the breaking point. Since that day, which was around 2 weeks ago, I can’t sleep. I literally have insomnia now and last week of uni I missed 2 lectures because I had to sleep in the morning at 10am because I spent the entire night crying and listening to sad music (wasn’t drunk in any of them it was genuine emotions). I don’t know what to do. I am back home as the term ended I can sleep better now as I am not exposed to these factors. I am feeling a bit less stressed now but I don’t think I can handle another term at uni if life goes like this.
I am average looking, 6’1 and I am not overweight. I just don’t know how to interact with girls and I feel like the second they see me they think I am an virgin. I just don’t want to die alone, the thought of dying or being alone scares me so much, yes night clubs are not about long term or even short term relationships but if people don’t even like you when they had 6 drinks how will people like me when they are sober? I just want to be loved, in fact that I am so desperate for a sign of love that some night I consider being gay but I can’t handle the concept of gay sex and it is gross to me. I am sorry for being who I am and miserable, it is embarrassing, I don’t and will never blame anyone girls for this. I have ADHD and I can speak english very well however I still have a language barrier which affects my social skills and it might be a factor to this. I was also raised by narcissist parents and have a horrendous relationship with them and they try to make my problems about themselves when I try to talk to them. I try to be really nice and kind to girls and never be rude or even swear next to them and I don’t know what makes me look like a loser for the last 20 years. The closest thing I was to kissing was some girls grinding on me but I didn’t know what to do.
Please guide me what to do, thanks everyone and please don’t be too harsh on me.
I will turn 19 next April, throughout my life, I have always been ignored by girls since I was very little. As time went on, I kept on ignoring this issue and when I was at year 12 and 13 I didn’t care about having a relationship at all as I focused a lot on my studies and made the excuse that I wouldn’t be in a relationship because it would distract me (which was I guess a subconscious mechanism to cope with this issue), and I believed it would go on to be like this and didn’t think it would be a problem. It was like this until university began.
To me, uni is a very different place to sixth form and I started going to parties, night clubs and everything else was much more sexualised and there were people kissing, having casual sex all around me (I study at birmingham maybe its only my uni but I don’t think thats the case), since I was never exposed to such an environment I went into shock and I tried to pull girls at clubs or talk to girls at parties, a friend even tried helping me (he already has a gf) but none of them seemed interested at me however people around me in the clubs were kissing all the time. I started hearing people in my flat or people from my friends flat doing flatcest, flatmates encountering people they had casual sex with at cinemas. As I realised that I can’t do what other people do I started becoming depressed. As time went on, I started crying, hyperventilating for hours and not sleeping even a minute because I was alone, listening to depressing songs. I texted so many of my close friends about being alone crying all the time. First I blamed being drunk as you become more emotional but it wasn’t the case as you’ll find out below.
I am part of a study group where I went out with them once, my friend I was with literally pulled so many girls and kissed with so many girls from the study group (he now regrets it) while I was watching. I wasn’t jealous because he is a nice guy and I was happy for him, but I became really sad seeing that I can’t do what he can and he is not a playboy type of guy and he is as attractive as me.
After that, it was the breaking point. Since that day, which was around 2 weeks ago, I can’t sleep. I literally have insomnia now and last week of uni I missed 2 lectures because I had to sleep in the morning at 10am because I spent the entire night crying and listening to sad music (wasn’t drunk in any of them it was genuine emotions). I don’t know what to do. I am back home as the term ended I can sleep better now as I am not exposed to these factors. I am feeling a bit less stressed now but I don’t think I can handle another term at uni if life goes like this.
I am average looking, 6’1 and I am not overweight. I just don’t know how to interact with girls and I feel like the second they see me they think I am an virgin. I just don’t want to die alone, the thought of dying or being alone scares me so much, yes night clubs are not about long term or even short term relationships but if people don’t even like you when they had 6 drinks how will people like me when they are sober? I just want to be loved, in fact that I am so desperate for a sign of love that some night I consider being gay but I can’t handle the concept of gay sex and it is gross to me. I am sorry for being who I am and miserable, it is embarrassing, I don’t and will never blame anyone girls for this. I have ADHD and I can speak english very well however I still have a language barrier which affects my social skills and it might be a factor to this. I was also raised by narcissist parents and have a horrendous relationship with them and they try to make my problems about themselves when I try to talk to them. I try to be really nice and kind to girls and never be rude or even swear next to them and I don’t know what makes me look like a loser for the last 20 years. The closest thing I was to kissing was some girls grinding on me but I didn’t know what to do.
Please guide me what to do, thanks everyone and please don’t be too harsh on me.
Ik it’s stupid to say, but you WILL figure it out. Opposite gender, but I felt the same insecurities as you did and I rushed into it in the wrong circumstances and I would give anything to uno reverse and wait, even if it’s 100 times more terrifying. You know what it’s also scary as a girl being with a guy who’s not had sec before. It’s just unknown territory. It’s hard to know what’s going on in their heads.
I can assure you if you’re honest with a girl, they will NEVER judge you. It might just come across awkward at first because they’re not sure how to act. Literally just tell them you think they’re attractive. It really is quite easy.
Just be confident, even if it feels ridiculous. You’ll start to change. But seriously try to move your focus away from other people having sex. I know it’s all around you, but if you think about it constantly in comparison it’ll always feel like a loss. Tbh I think that’s all any 18 yr old thinks about so you’re not alone. I can tell h for a fact that there are at least a hundred sex obsessed virgin girls on your course having exactly the same crisis rn as you. So chill your in good company.
I'm 21, never had any intimate interactions and I'm fine with that. I see my uni mates going crazy every weekend yet I still don't care. Why? Because none of that will matter in 4 or 5 years. None of that will guarantee a meaningful relationship which is what you want. You said you want to be loved. Pulling some random person from a club, or swapping saliva with an entire friend group will not give you that. So please, stop looking for what you want where it doesn't even exist. Do you really desire the attention of someone who'll think less of you just because you're a virgin? Is that really the love you want? I don't think so. Remain true to yourself and do the things you like. Life will align itself and you will find someone for you.
Also, there are much bigger issues here than the fear of being a virgin forever. I think you'll benefit a lot from therapy because your entire post was alarmingly self-deprecating. Even in moments where you didn't have to blame yourself, you spoke so poorly of yourself. Please, seek some help to address the issues you mentioned like your childhood and self esteem. External validation through sex or relationships won't heal what's hurting. It'll only make them easy to ignore for a short while. You need to work on those parts of yourself, and learn to love yourself before others can love you.
Also, there are much bigger issues here than the fear of being a virgin forever. I think you'll benefit a lot from therapy because your entire post was alarmingly self-deprecating. Even in moments where you didn't have to blame yourself, you spoke so poorly of yourself. Please, seek some help to address the issues you mentioned like your childhood and self esteem. External validation through sex or relationships won't heal what's hurting. It'll only make them easy to ignore for a short while. You need to work on those parts of yourself, and learn to love yourself before others can love you.
hey babes! i'm an 18 year old girl about to go off to uni but i totally can relate with how you are feeling rn. i too have the same fear of dying alone or not being able to find someone to love but the thing you are forgetting is that you are only 19 bless!!! you have so many years to figure things out and trust me when you get older, dating will come more naturally to you and people will be more mature unlike now which is why everyone our age is just casually having sex and kissing random anybodies because no one is really looking for anything serious because why would you at 19? anyways, i've kissed a couple of people, some of them random and some of them in relationships, and i can tell you that whilst some of those times have been amazing, most of them were thoroughly underwhelming and not worth it at all and those times tended to be random people i had just kissed at clubs or at parties. i've woking up the next morning and regretted everything and legit wished i had never gone out in the first place. also, some of those kisses lead onto something but then the person i was with ended up being horrible so again was not worth it. yes, you can find a girlfriend and potentially your wifr from a kiss in the club but 9/10 times this is not the case and if anything does move from it, there is always the slight possible that it could end horribly. you also have to understand that sometimes people who get with loads of people also themseleves have self esteem issues so you are not alone. if i was you i would just focus on developing good female friendships first because most of the time, a good romantic relationship is born out of a good friendship first. just talk to people at the club without the intention that you are going to kiss them or sleep with them. also if you get more female friends they are likely to help you with these situations and can be a little be more understanding than you guy friends and give you advice that it better suited to helping with talking to girls. additionally, i think you need to love yourself first before you can even try and pursue anything with anyone because that is where the confidence comes from and if you love yourself and can really show that then girls will pick up on that and will find that more attractive than some guy just coming up to them and drunkly shouting a pick up line in their face. also, you may be slightly oblivious to someone who could actually find you attractive and wants to get to know you but you aren't able to notice or pick up on their social cues which is completely fine but don't think that just because someone hasn't come up to you and tried to kiss you that no one hasn't looked at you and find you attractive. girls are shy too. when you go out, just go and have fun and don't think too much about it. if you see someone you like, go up to them and say hi! ask them what course they do, where there from etc like get to know them and girls will 9/10 times warm up to you on a night out. also, stop listening to that depressing music my guy like i know depressing music can help but it clearly is not helping you out of this funk and i also agree with a post above this that you should probs look at maybe speaking to someone? maybe not a therapist if you are not comfortable, but you could look at mental health avenues at your uni, your friends and you could always contact your GP and speak about that as well. anyways, you go uni of birmingham there are LOADS of people you haven't met and you are in your first going into second year so dont sweat it you have two more years to figure it allll out and then another 70+ years, trust me you will not die alone. best wishes doll xxxx
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