Am i a terrible person
Didnt know what forum to put this in but i feel that im a terrible person. It all started a long time ago when i was about 8-10. I did some really mean things in primary school such as spreading rumors, insulting people and even hitting people and i always thought up until recently that i was a nice kid which i still thinj i was for the most part but maybe im not remembering the crap things i did properly because back then i really didnt care. The first really bad incident i can think of is when i was playing a casual game of football 1v1 with a friend. He seemed to be getting cocky and this annoyed me so i went in with a really bad slide tackle with intent to hurt him. And i did hurt him only more serious than i wished to. I helped him back to his house and didnt hear from him until a while later where i found out that i had broken his collar bone. I felt a little guilty but didnt care because i also heard that he told everryone i kicked him to break it and i felt that him saying it like that made me sound bad but i recently thought (almost a decade later) that it doesnt matter that he said that because either way i had intent to hurt him and it doesnt matter that he got hurt more than i expected i still did it ,it was my fault and it wasnt an accident. Another terrible thing i did was beat up another friend because they continually laughed at me when a boy who was much older than me was making fun of me. I had no reason to lash out at my friend regardless of whether they were laughing or not. Perhaps i was taking it to seriously and they saw the funny side while i didnt but thats the only reasoning i can think of. And that this boy was much older so my friend who was my age would be an easier target but maybe i felt betrayed by their laughter. Theres a reason why i did these terrible things and theyre not always good but these incident have bothered me for years. Later on im my life when i was 13 i made fun of people concidered weird etc. And once again in the same year i hit another friend. He making fun of me. At first i didnt care but i felt he took it too far and he wouldnt stop. He was embarrising me and it ****ed me off even though he was joking so i hit him and then felt bad and made up with him about 2hours later but i feel it still wasnt right for me to hit a friend over something so stupid and then i even expected him not to tell on me (which he didnt). More recently when i was 16 i hit him once again because he embarrased me again but what was worse was that i felt immediate guilt and didnt want to fight. I even acted like the good guy afterwards like a complete idiot still not taking responsibility. Most recently i had hit a guy (not necessarily my friend but more of an aquantence) because he slapped me but i was teasing him in the first place and then after hitting him i acted as though it was an accident and expected him not to grass on me. This same guy was also a disliked by my friends but i didnt really dislike him and i still dont but i acted like i did to my friends to fit in more. I thought id changed since i was young but i havent at all. The only thing that has changed is my ability to talk to people properly. I cant open up and the only talk i have with my friends is surface level. Im also quite shy now and avoid talking to people who i dont need to. Is this karma? Why do i feel this way and most of all am i a crappy person?
There is no consensus to whether a person is born evil but regarding your question, my philosophy would dictate that all people with strong inclination to emotion are terrible. I think you are a terrible person and on your current trajectory will become an abhorrent person.
