English language paper 1 question 5 (pls read👍👍)

I have a creative writing mock on Monday and I’m not sure if what I’ve done for my plan so far is particularly good so if I could get some feedback I’d be so thankful <333

My essay so far:
Thankfully, to my parents utter delight (more like dismay) I only wished for one special thing: something I had desired in my entire 16 years of life while being bound to the excruciating pain and living hell that was the rough,gravely figure I called land. They denied my only wish. My curiosity as to why the ocean is so feared, so hidden and so surrounded by the hatred that comes from us: humans, has never been answered no matter how many times I questioned: why are we forbidden from delving into the the beautiful purity and joy called ocean, what is so harrowing that your eyes bulge and your jaws clench in discomfort when I ask to see the enticing blue waves as she crashes gently against the gigantic,dense border, trying to escape; be free. Its crytal clear to me that the way people feel when their bodies shake, hands blister from relentless scratching from nervousness and thier hair falls and cascades to the ground continuously at the minescule mention of the ocean is unrequited with the way she tries to abscond through the walls. What in her could possibly be that menacing?

I know she doesnt want to live seperated any longer and stay in complete solitude, I know we can get along if we try.

Gingerly, I stare at the shrunken hole in bottom of the boulder built border- Shes there, I see her! Shes as glorious as the incredibly pixelated pictures iVe collected over the years, stored in my scrabbook. My eyes gleam at the diminutive waves, escaping through the exit. I sprint with purpose as I reach the entrance where I can finally see her in person, what an enticing sight! I joyfully dive into the depths of the ocean, loving how she feels so gentle on my skin (much better than the sharp winds slicing through me on land). What is that? Small beings coloured fuscia, maroon, burnt orange flurry through in strict formation, their beading eyes encapsulating my mind: i watched as their homuncular tails swished from side to side as they gracefully swam away in hurry and with purpose. Ive never been in the presence of such animals before, are they inhabited in the ocean, is she their home like land is mine? I delve deeper searching for more beauty as i rest my eyes on the rocks which look like theyre clamped shut, i attempt to pry them open with all my strength and pull and pull- and there it is, the most beautiful object i have ever layed my hazel eyes on. Delicately, It looked as if it had been hand carved with a beautiful spherical shape; it was polished down to a glassy finish as the barely there rays of light reached far into the ocean reflecting off of them like the exquisite sphere was a mirror. Gleefully, carefully i pockted it into the zipped side in my beige cargos. They werent quite suited for the ocean, i wish shed had warned me in some way.

I delved deeper.

My legs pushed and pushed through the dense body of water, she was getting enhancingly strenuous to swim through as i felt pressure like fifty bricks weighing down on me.

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 1

zws

this is decent! but I do have a few bits of quick feedback (+ for a bit of context, I did English at a-level and gcse)
right away I can see that your tense keeps changing. you'll write a bit in present tense, then switch to past, then switch back to present. (example from paragraph 3:
I joyfully dive into the depths of the ocean, (present tense) i watched as their homuncular tails swished from side to side as they gracefully swam away in hurry and with purpose. (past tense) Ive never been (present tense)
its better if you keep your essay all in one tense as its easier to read and the examiner won't get confused. )

also, I dont know what exam board you have but I think SPAG (spelling, punctuation & grammar) is marked in this section, and its easy marks so make sure your SPAG is perfect so you dont lose those. there were a couple of spelling/punctuation errors in here so make sure you leave time at the end to double check and proofread.

I like that theres lots of description and imagery (especially in paragraph 1, its very dramatic lol) but remember to not make every sentence super long as its just harder to read and might be less likely to capture and hold the examiner's attention. use short (+long) sentences to your advantage. if you want to make a bolder or more definitive statement, use a short sentence. it breaks up the flow a bit and really captures attention. if you want to talk about how long or boring something is, use a really long sentence, that acts as a metaphorical long & winding road that will help the examiner feel that sense of fatigue.

last thing, the description is very vivid which I love and keep that up, but you should also consider that you dont always have to use the fanciest or longest word to describe something. put in a balance of higher-level and lower-level descriptors; sometimes saying 'enormous' is good, but sometimes saying 'huge' works just as well.
(examples from paragraph 3
their beading eyes encapsulating my mind: (instead of that you could say something like 'stealing my attention') enhancingly strenuous (you could say something like 'more and more difficult'. the use of repetition might be more effective at communicating how hard it is/how tired the character is becoming)

hope that helps and ur mock goes well xx

Reply 2

lavender16

Thank you so much im not sure why I always have problems in my writing with switching between tenses when I can speak fine in real life 😭 you were really helpful i’m gonna take what you’ve said and try my best to improve it xxx