My thinking pattern is very circular, and I hate that I’m autistic
Hello! So for a bit of context, I got my diagnosis last year in year 11 and I’m now in year 12
I have many hopes and dreams. I aspire to excel in my academics, get a high-paying job, network with others to build connections, self-improve every day in every aspect of my life, marry a man that loves me, and have two/three kids that I hope to raise adequately
But no matter what I do, no matter what I what I plan, I’m tormented by my circular thinking every day (I guess a symptom of my autism). I’ll give an example to demonstrate what I mean:
To maximise my productivity, it is recommended that everyone has a structured routine every day. Sounds fine right? It does, until I remember that having a structured routine is also a sign of autism- and that, yet again, I’m “acting autistic” I I produce a routine to maximise my productivity. Yes, I know it doesn’t matter, and I know these kind of thoughts shouldn’t stop me from having a structured routine. Besides, the people recommending structured routines are non-autistics as well, who found having a set routine the best to maximise productivity. But it still makes me fight with myself internally
Then, my thoughts jump from my self-degradation to “What if my kids are autistic too?”. My future kids have nothing to do with the previous thoughts, yet I go from thinking of my previous thoughts to thinking that I’ll be really sad and disappointed if my kids are also autistic, (because I don’t accept my autism, my possibly autistic kids would remind me of myself)
Another example. I’m quite meticulous and hard-working when I’m studying; I like to know everything to outcompete people. That’s a good thing. I’ve been praised constantly for this by even non-autistic people. Until I remember that, this trait of me also is a symptom of autism. Suddenly I’m in a sad mood. Then I start thinking If my future kids will develop autism and be as rigid as me -a symptom- and how I don’t want them to have autism
I think of something to improve myself, that even non-autistic people do -> “Wait, but that’s associated with autism, I’m yet again acting autistic” -> “I hate the fact I’m not normal…what If my future kids are also autistic? I don’t want that, I also want them to be normal”
No matter what I so, even if it’s something good (e.g. having a set routine), my mind starts overthinking and overthinking
Things that don’t fit my post, but I want to write anyway:
- Even if I accept my autism, I’ll always think that I’m a fraud. I have a loving husband, two or three kids, a good house, a stable career? “It doesn’t matter…I’m a fraud”- that’s what I’ll think, even though there’s no logic to it
- My dad is autistic. Not diagnosed, but I’m 100% certain. I fear that that mirrors the fate of my kids- how my kids will also be autistic, the same way the child of my dad (me) is autistic
I have many hopes and dreams. I aspire to excel in my academics, get a high-paying job, network with others to build connections, self-improve every day in every aspect of my life, marry a man that loves me, and have two/three kids that I hope to raise adequately
But no matter what I do, no matter what I what I plan, I’m tormented by my circular thinking every day (I guess a symptom of my autism). I’ll give an example to demonstrate what I mean:
To maximise my productivity, it is recommended that everyone has a structured routine every day. Sounds fine right? It does, until I remember that having a structured routine is also a sign of autism- and that, yet again, I’m “acting autistic” I I produce a routine to maximise my productivity. Yes, I know it doesn’t matter, and I know these kind of thoughts shouldn’t stop me from having a structured routine. Besides, the people recommending structured routines are non-autistics as well, who found having a set routine the best to maximise productivity. But it still makes me fight with myself internally
Then, my thoughts jump from my self-degradation to “What if my kids are autistic too?”. My future kids have nothing to do with the previous thoughts, yet I go from thinking of my previous thoughts to thinking that I’ll be really sad and disappointed if my kids are also autistic, (because I don’t accept my autism, my possibly autistic kids would remind me of myself)
Another example. I’m quite meticulous and hard-working when I’m studying; I like to know everything to outcompete people. That’s a good thing. I’ve been praised constantly for this by even non-autistic people. Until I remember that, this trait of me also is a symptom of autism. Suddenly I’m in a sad mood. Then I start thinking If my future kids will develop autism and be as rigid as me -a symptom- and how I don’t want them to have autism
I think of something to improve myself, that even non-autistic people do -> “Wait, but that’s associated with autism, I’m yet again acting autistic” -> “I hate the fact I’m not normal…what If my future kids are also autistic? I don’t want that, I also want them to be normal”
No matter what I so, even if it’s something good (e.g. having a set routine), my mind starts overthinking and overthinking
Things that don’t fit my post, but I want to write anyway:
- Even if I accept my autism, I’ll always think that I’m a fraud. I have a loving husband, two or three kids, a good house, a stable career? “It doesn’t matter…I’m a fraud”- that’s what I’ll think, even though there’s no logic to it
- My dad is autistic. Not diagnosed, but I’m 100% certain. I fear that that mirrors the fate of my kids- how my kids will also be autistic, the same way the child of my dad (me) is autistic
The cherry on top is, the fact I’m even overthinking this much for this length of time, is also a symptom of autism- which agains saddens me. I can’t win
You're autistic, so there really is no point in beating yourself up for doing things related to autism because that's what you'll tend to do. Besides, none of your traits you've mentioned are actually bad. You have to accept your autism, no point in not accepting it and being miserable.
You wouldn't be a fraud on anyone's books, I assure you. Your children being autistic is a fear I understand, but also no point in beating yourself up about it. They may or may not be autistic, and being autistic is by no means a barrier to being happy and independent in life, as demonstrated by your father and, soon, by you, if you just set aside any preconceived notions of autism and realise that, actually, you're doing alright. Else you wouldn't be in year 12 and gone undiagnosed for so long.
I hope you accept your autism soon. It takes time and effort for some, but you'll be all the better for it and realise that nothing is actually holding you back from whatever you want to do!
You wouldn't be a fraud on anyone's books, I assure you. Your children being autistic is a fear I understand, but also no point in beating yourself up about it. They may or may not be autistic, and being autistic is by no means a barrier to being happy and independent in life, as demonstrated by your father and, soon, by you, if you just set aside any preconceived notions of autism and realise that, actually, you're doing alright. Else you wouldn't be in year 12 and gone undiagnosed for so long.
I hope you accept your autism soon. It takes time and effort for some, but you'll be all the better for it and realise that nothing is actually holding you back from whatever you want to do!
I understand your siutation I'm a year older than you but got diagnoised just after lockdown.
For me it comes in waves sometimes wishing I wasn't autistic when things like getting a bus are impossible for me but many (not all) allistic people can do it perfectly (and some autistic people can).
However, I try and think about the positives and I know you have done this too and it hasn't helped but for me the main thing that helped is talking to other autistic people online in a similar siutation and we understand each other more.
For me it took a while but I decided and it isn't always easy especially at the start but I'm trying not to be bothered about what other people think about me and why I do things if I like it and it makes me happy I'm going to do it. I think for me the main thing that started it is not being able to make friends but I'm going to uni and would like friends but am perfectly happy in my own company but if I do make friends I want them to be my friend because of who I am not because of who I pretend to be and who what I like. (I do realise this is harder to do than it sounds).
Also with children obviosuly we won't know until the children come but because I'm autistic I'm going to get them assessed at a younger age even if I'm not sure so they can have the best help and suppot.
Also for me I feel like it would be better if my children were autistic so that things like routine and loud noises I'm not stopping them doing what they want to do. I know it sounds weird to wish for autistic children but I fell like if you are autistic its easier to understand each other so might make it easier.
Hopefully these feelings of hatred go over time not saying they are never there but only for around 30 minutes every month and reducing.
Sorry for the long post
Hope you can get support and feel happier in yourself
For me it comes in waves sometimes wishing I wasn't autistic when things like getting a bus are impossible for me but many (not all) allistic people can do it perfectly (and some autistic people can).
However, I try and think about the positives and I know you have done this too and it hasn't helped but for me the main thing that helped is talking to other autistic people online in a similar siutation and we understand each other more.
For me it took a while but I decided and it isn't always easy especially at the start but I'm trying not to be bothered about what other people think about me and why I do things if I like it and it makes me happy I'm going to do it. I think for me the main thing that started it is not being able to make friends but I'm going to uni and would like friends but am perfectly happy in my own company but if I do make friends I want them to be my friend because of who I am not because of who I pretend to be and who what I like. (I do realise this is harder to do than it sounds).
Also with children obviosuly we won't know until the children come but because I'm autistic I'm going to get them assessed at a younger age even if I'm not sure so they can have the best help and suppot.
Also for me I feel like it would be better if my children were autistic so that things like routine and loud noises I'm not stopping them doing what they want to do. I know it sounds weird to wish for autistic children but I fell like if you are autistic its easier to understand each other so might make it easier.
Hopefully these feelings of hatred go over time not saying they are never there but only for around 30 minutes every month and reducing.
Sorry for the long post
Hope you can get support and feel happier in yourself
Do you know any other autistic people? It can be tough to accept certain things (particularly if you're used to viewing autism as a negative thing, so "it's because I'm autistic" becomes a negative sentence even for positive traits), but being around other autistic people can really help to work past that negative mindset.
I'm part of a society for autistic students at my uni, and a lot of my friends there have found it improved their perception of things to see their traits reflected as strengths in others, without that extra layer of self-doubt. Of course, it can be tough to join a group like that when you don't accept that part of yourself, but if you can make that step it really can be beneficial.
It can certainly take time to reach the point of fully accepting yourself and your autism, but it does come eventually. I've been diagnosed for 4 years now and I definitely still have a lot of struggles (and always will), but they get a lot easier to deal with when you're not also beating yourself up for struggling with them in the first place, or criticising every positive trait you have just because it's a strength autistic people often share.
I'm part of a society for autistic students at my uni, and a lot of my friends there have found it improved their perception of things to see their traits reflected as strengths in others, without that extra layer of self-doubt. Of course, it can be tough to join a group like that when you don't accept that part of yourself, but if you can make that step it really can be beneficial.
It can certainly take time to reach the point of fully accepting yourself and your autism, but it does come eventually. I've been diagnosed for 4 years now and I definitely still have a lot of struggles (and always will), but they get a lot easier to deal with when you're not also beating yourself up for struggling with them in the first place, or criticising every positive trait you have just because it's a strength autistic people often share.
Original post by Scotland Yard
They may or may not be autistic, and being autistic is by no means a barrier to being happy and independent in life, as demonstrated by your father and, soon, by you, if you just set aside any preconceived notions of autism and realise that, actually, you're doing alright. Else you wouldn't be in year 12 and gone undiagnosed for so long.
I know someone who is 9 non-verbal and is still waiting for an ASD assessment. The process takes for ever the waiting list can be 5 years long and the research is based on the cis white males making it harder for people to get reffered for an assessment to start with.
There are lots of people who get diagnoised late and still struggle to live indepenently so just the age of the diagnosis doesn't mean how much it effects you.
For refernce I got diagnoised at 16 and got diagnoised with severe ASD and they said that most of the traits that I present with are worse than if diagnoised as a toddler due to lack of support
Most of the autistic people who are unable to move out have other conditions such as learning difficulties but when reading about it unless you research them they only ever say their autistic
And yes I know it's a spectrum and some have a lot more support needs but I personally wouldn't say that my life was as happy as it should have been before the diagnosis. It's a priviladge to have one but just becuase of the age doesn't mean that you aren't as impacted as others
Original post by Anonymous
Hello! So for a bit of context, I got my diagnosis last year in year 11 and I’m now in year 12
I have many hopes and dreams. I aspire to excel in my academics, get a high-paying job, network with others to build connections, self-improve every day in every aspect of my life, marry a man that loves me, and have two/three kids that I hope to raise adequately
But no matter what I do, no matter what I what I plan, I’m tormented by my circular thinking every day (I guess a symptom of my autism). I’ll give an example to demonstrate what I mean:
To maximise my productivity, it is recommended that everyone has a structured routine every day. Sounds fine right? It does, until I remember that having a structured routine is also a sign of autism- and that, yet again, I’m “acting autistic” I I produce a routine to maximise my productivity. Yes, I know it doesn’t matter, and I know these kind of thoughts shouldn’t stop me from having a structured routine. Besides, the people recommending structured routines are non-autistics as well, who found having a set routine the best to maximise productivity. But it still makes me fight with myself internally
Then, my thoughts jump from my self-degradation to “What if my kids are autistic too?”. My future kids have nothing to do with the previous thoughts, yet I go from thinking of my previous thoughts to thinking that I’ll be really sad and disappointed if my kids are also autistic, (because I don’t accept my autism, my possibly autistic kids would remind me of myself)
Another example. I’m quite meticulous and hard-working when I’m studying; I like to know everything to outcompete people. That’s a good thing. I’ve been praised constantly for this by even non-autistic people. Until I remember that, this trait of me also is a symptom of autism. Suddenly I’m in a sad mood. Then I start thinking If my future kids will develop autism and be as rigid as me -a symptom- and how I don’t want them to have autism
I think of something to improve myself, that even non-autistic people do -> “Wait, but that’s associated with autism, I’m yet again acting autistic” -> “I hate the fact I’m not normal…what If my future kids are also autistic? I don’t want that, I also want them to be normal”
No matter what I so, even if it’s something good (e.g. having a set routine), my mind starts overthinking and overthinking
Things that don’t fit my post, but I want to write anyway:
- Even if I accept my autism, I’ll always think that I’m a fraud. I have a loving husband, two or three kids, a good house, a stable career? “It doesn’t matter…I’m a fraud”- that’s what I’ll think, even though there’s no logic to it
- My dad is autistic. Not diagnosed, but I’m 100% certain. I fear that that mirrors the fate of my kids- how my kids will also be autistic, the same way the child of my dad (me) is autistic
I have many hopes and dreams. I aspire to excel in my academics, get a high-paying job, network with others to build connections, self-improve every day in every aspect of my life, marry a man that loves me, and have two/three kids that I hope to raise adequately
But no matter what I do, no matter what I what I plan, I’m tormented by my circular thinking every day (I guess a symptom of my autism). I’ll give an example to demonstrate what I mean:
To maximise my productivity, it is recommended that everyone has a structured routine every day. Sounds fine right? It does, until I remember that having a structured routine is also a sign of autism- and that, yet again, I’m “acting autistic” I I produce a routine to maximise my productivity. Yes, I know it doesn’t matter, and I know these kind of thoughts shouldn’t stop me from having a structured routine. Besides, the people recommending structured routines are non-autistics as well, who found having a set routine the best to maximise productivity. But it still makes me fight with myself internally
Then, my thoughts jump from my self-degradation to “What if my kids are autistic too?”. My future kids have nothing to do with the previous thoughts, yet I go from thinking of my previous thoughts to thinking that I’ll be really sad and disappointed if my kids are also autistic, (because I don’t accept my autism, my possibly autistic kids would remind me of myself)
Another example. I’m quite meticulous and hard-working when I’m studying; I like to know everything to outcompete people. That’s a good thing. I’ve been praised constantly for this by even non-autistic people. Until I remember that, this trait of me also is a symptom of autism. Suddenly I’m in a sad mood. Then I start thinking If my future kids will develop autism and be as rigid as me -a symptom- and how I don’t want them to have autism
I think of something to improve myself, that even non-autistic people do -> “Wait, but that’s associated with autism, I’m yet again acting autistic” -> “I hate the fact I’m not normal…what If my future kids are also autistic? I don’t want that, I also want them to be normal”
No matter what I so, even if it’s something good (e.g. having a set routine), my mind starts overthinking and overthinking
Things that don’t fit my post, but I want to write anyway:
- Even if I accept my autism, I’ll always think that I’m a fraud. I have a loving husband, two or three kids, a good house, a stable career? “It doesn’t matter…I’m a fraud”- that’s what I’ll think, even though there’s no logic to it
- My dad is autistic. Not diagnosed, but I’m 100% certain. I fear that that mirrors the fate of my kids- how my kids will also be autistic, the same way the child of my dad (me) is autistic
ur so real for this lowkey
Original post by Anonymous
Hello! So for a bit of context, I got my diagnosis last year in year 11 and I’m now in year 12
I have many hopes and dreams. I aspire to excel in my academics, get a high-paying job, network with others to build connections, self-improve every day in every aspect of my life, marry a man that loves me, and have two/three kids that I hope to raise adequately
But no matter what I do, no matter what I what I plan, I’m tormented by my circular thinking every day (I guess a symptom of my autism). I’ll give an example to demonstrate what I mean:
To maximise my productivity, it is recommended that everyone has a structured routine every day. Sounds fine right? It does, until I remember that having a structured routine is also a sign of autism- and that, yet again, I’m “acting autistic” I I produce a routine to maximise my productivity. Yes, I know it doesn’t matter, and I know these kind of thoughts shouldn’t stop me from having a structured routine. Besides, the people recommending structured routines are non-autistics as well, who found having a set routine the best to maximise productivity. But it still makes me fight with myself internally
Then, my thoughts jump from my self-degradation to “What if my kids are autistic too?”. My future kids have nothing to do with the previous thoughts, yet I go from thinking of my previous thoughts to thinking that I’ll be really sad and disappointed if my kids are also autistic, (because I don’t accept my autism, my possibly autistic kids would remind me of myself)
Another example. I’m quite meticulous and hard-working when I’m studying; I like to know everything to outcompete people. That’s a good thing. I’ve been praised constantly for this by even non-autistic people. Until I remember that, this trait of me also is a symptom of autism. Suddenly I’m in a sad mood. Then I start thinking If my future kids will develop autism and be as rigid as me -a symptom- and how I don’t want them to have autism
I think of something to improve myself, that even non-autistic people do -> “Wait, but that’s associated with autism, I’m yet again acting autistic” -> “I hate the fact I’m not normal…what If my future kids are also autistic? I don’t want that, I also want them to be normal”
No matter what I so, even if it’s something good (e.g. having a set routine), my mind starts overthinking and overthinking
Things that don’t fit my post, but I want to write anyway:
- Even if I accept my autism, I’ll always think that I’m a fraud. I have a loving husband, two or three kids, a good house, a stable career? “It doesn’t matter…I’m a fraud”- that’s what I’ll think, even though there’s no logic to it
- My dad is autistic. Not diagnosed, but I’m 100% certain. I fear that that mirrors the fate of my kids- how my kids will also be autistic, the same way the child of my dad (me) is autistic
I have many hopes and dreams. I aspire to excel in my academics, get a high-paying job, network with others to build connections, self-improve every day in every aspect of my life, marry a man that loves me, and have two/three kids that I hope to raise adequately
But no matter what I do, no matter what I what I plan, I’m tormented by my circular thinking every day (I guess a symptom of my autism). I’ll give an example to demonstrate what I mean:
To maximise my productivity, it is recommended that everyone has a structured routine every day. Sounds fine right? It does, until I remember that having a structured routine is also a sign of autism- and that, yet again, I’m “acting autistic” I I produce a routine to maximise my productivity. Yes, I know it doesn’t matter, and I know these kind of thoughts shouldn’t stop me from having a structured routine. Besides, the people recommending structured routines are non-autistics as well, who found having a set routine the best to maximise productivity. But it still makes me fight with myself internally
Then, my thoughts jump from my self-degradation to “What if my kids are autistic too?”. My future kids have nothing to do with the previous thoughts, yet I go from thinking of my previous thoughts to thinking that I’ll be really sad and disappointed if my kids are also autistic, (because I don’t accept my autism, my possibly autistic kids would remind me of myself)
Another example. I’m quite meticulous and hard-working when I’m studying; I like to know everything to outcompete people. That’s a good thing. I’ve been praised constantly for this by even non-autistic people. Until I remember that, this trait of me also is a symptom of autism. Suddenly I’m in a sad mood. Then I start thinking If my future kids will develop autism and be as rigid as me -a symptom- and how I don’t want them to have autism
I think of something to improve myself, that even non-autistic people do -> “Wait, but that’s associated with autism, I’m yet again acting autistic” -> “I hate the fact I’m not normal…what If my future kids are also autistic? I don’t want that, I also want them to be normal”
No matter what I so, even if it’s something good (e.g. having a set routine), my mind starts overthinking and overthinking
Things that don’t fit my post, but I want to write anyway:
- Even if I accept my autism, I’ll always think that I’m a fraud. I have a loving husband, two or three kids, a good house, a stable career? “It doesn’t matter…I’m a fraud”- that’s what I’ll think, even though there’s no logic to it
- My dad is autistic. Not diagnosed, but I’m 100% certain. I fear that that mirrors the fate of my kids- how my kids will also be autistic, the same way the child of my dad (me) is autistic
Hm, well, .... I try.
I think what is maybe difficult is to find out, what is you and what is explained by your autism. This will take time - I guess, but I think you will become more balanced with age and find out more about yourself, which will help. I think, you may fall in the trap to trace a lot of you back to autism and thus think it never changes and thus panic... but it is not that simple. You will still change, be able to change (as we all do with age, everyone) and not all has to do with your autism.
As you said by yourself, a lot is overthinking. And that is good to know, because that is the first step to be able to change that. (But I am not good at it, so I can't help.)
