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GCSE English Language Creative Writing Piece

please can some one give me a mark out of 40 for this creative writing piece using the AQA June 2021 photo:

As I emerge from the blackened, grimy cellar victorious as I am greeted by a golden sunset. The blazing beams of sunlight resting upon the side of my abused face, its heat digging into the gashes traced along my cheek. The busy city streets carry on bustling as if I wasn’t even there. Not one person stopped for me. I am quite used to that now; I doubt anyone even noticed I had gone from my melancholy reality. The never changing overcast clouds drearily glide across the never changing blue sky. Nothing changed. No one cares about me; I don’t know why I even tried to escape. Strangers judge me as I develop the strength to start walking down the pavement, yet they still chose to ignore me as if they already knew that I don’t matter. I can feel the subtle warmth of the stone tiles on my bloodied, dirtied bare feet and as I start to hobble my way home. The occasional rock digging itself into my already bruised and battered feet. My swollen eyes are sun stunned as I try to readjust myself to my dismal little life.
I should probably tell you how I got here shouldn’t I, even though I know you probably don’t care. Nevertheless, I was following my usual routine leaving my usual menial job, to my usual menial life when I was suddenly stolen and shoved into a little white van. I know very stereotypical right? I know it is a terrible thing but there was still a little part of me which was happy that someone cared enough about me to kidnap me. I am quite a tall, slim man which may not be able to be taken so easily but I suppose I partially allowed them to take me as I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. For the first time in my life, I finally felt wanted. As I was thrown into the dismal cellar, it was like the perfect analogy for my life a small, dingy square room with nothing but a wooden chair within it. I started to regret my decision of being taken. As they hit me, bruised me, cut me, the face of my mother began to manifest. Her words ingrained in my mind. you are worthless. No one could ever love you. I hate you. This is what determined me to escape, just as I had once before. Finally, I am safe, but for what reason?
I continue my way home and I come across the train tracks. The same train tracks I see every day on my walk to work. The same train tracks I have fantasized taking my last breaths upon. Ding! Ding! Ding! The sound of the whistling sirens of my preempted fate as I approach the edge, I hear the calming sound of the clickity clack of the steel train wheels on the tracks as I finally take my last miserable breath.
Firstly, I thoroughly enjoyed this story actually. The second half was definitely stronger than the first half. You very successfully achieved sympathy for your character. I quite liked the direct address to the reader also - it added a sense of intimacy which certainly helped in provoking the emotional response.

There was a little confusion in the opening few sentences which is a harsh criticism given the short editing time you actually get in this paper. I think going forward making sure you establish the tense before you start writing is very important. It obviously was only a very minor grammatical error which was corrected in very quickly after. I also feel as though the structure of the first few sentences were quite weak in comparison to your other sentences which were amazing. Starting a piece like this is of course the hardest part and all examiners will understand that. Therefore, I doubt this would impact your mark very much.

Other than that, I quite like the unrevealing nature of the introduction. Helped to create a sense of mystery which causes you to instantly want to read on. There was a range wide range of linguistic techniques throughout such as similes and onomatopoeia however there was definitely more scope for personification and metaphors to take it one step further although I am sure you implemented a few here and there. Your vocabulary was used consistency accurately, although I feel there was potentially room for more ambitious vocabulary to make it even better. The story as a hole was really touching though; particularly the ending. There was a sequence of verbs somewhere in the second half that was so incredibly effective in highlighting the pain and almost mirroring it onto the reader. The structural technique of listing really helped to create that effect and was used very effectively.

In addition, the piece was structured quite well. There was a range of sentence types ranging from shorter to longer and used effectively to break up the flow of the piece. The one word sentences certainly had the impact you intended and were effective in highlighting either the sadness or fear. When you was quoting the mother's words however, you could have potentially implemented quotation marks. It's only a very minor thing, but it just highlights you are able to use them to the examiner. In terms of paragraphing, I think that there was definitely a few instances were you could have isolated a sentence or even a word and turned it into a paragraph for effect such as: "Finally, I am safe, but for what reason?". Personally, I believe that would have really highlighted the idea of isolation and despair the character feels.

For AQA, 24 marks are awarded for content and organisation and 16 marks for technical accuracy. I would mark this piece as follows:

Content and organisation: 18/24
Technical accuracy: 12/16
Overall: 30/40
Reply 2
Thank you so much for the amazing feedback, it has been very helpful. I also recognize myself that I need more ambitious vocabulary. Do you have any good words or perhaps any resources for more extended vocabulary.

(Original post by Georgeallen)Firstly, I thoroughly enjoyed this story actually. The second half was definitely stronger than the first half. You very successfully achieved sympathy for your character. I quite liked the direct address to the reader also - it added a sense of intimacy which certainly helped in provoking the emotional response.

There was a little confusion in the opening few sentences which is a harsh criticism given the short editing time you actually get in this paper. I think going forward making sure you establish the tense before you start writing is very important. It obviously was only a very minor grammatical error which was corrected in very quickly after. I also feel as though the structure of the first few sentences were quite weak in comparison to your other sentences which were amazing. Starting a piece like this is of course the hardest part and all examiners will understand that. Therefore, I doubt this would impact your mark very much.

Other than that, I quite like the unrevealing nature of the introduction. Helped to create a sense of mystery which causes you to instantly want to read on. There was a range wide range of linguistic techniques throughout such as similes and onomatopoeia however there was definitely more scope for personification and metaphors to take it one step further although I am sure you implemented a few here and there. Your vocabulary was used consistency accurately, although I feel there was potentially room for more ambitious vocabulary to make it even better. The story as a hole was really touching though; particularly the ending. There was a sequence of verbs somewhere in the second half that was so incredibly effective in highlighting the pain and almost mirroring it onto the reader. The structural technique of listing really helped to create that effect and was used very effectively.

In addition, the piece was structured quite well. There was a range of sentence types ranging from shorter to longer and used effectively to break up the flow of the piece. The one word sentences certainly had the impact you intended and were effective in highlighting either the sadness or fear. When you was quoting the mother's words however, you could have potentially implemented quotation marks. It's only a very minor thing, but it just highlights you are able to use them to the examiner. In terms of paragraphing, I think that there was definitely a few instances were you could have isolated a sentence or even a word and turned it into a paragraph for effect such as: "Finally, I am safe, but for what reason?". Personally, I believe that would have really highlighted the idea of isolation and despair the character feels.

For AQA, 24 marks are awarded for content and organisation and 16 marks for technical accuracy. I would mark this piece as follows:

Content and organisation: 18/24
Technical accuracy: 12/16
Overall: 30/40
I found this website with 100 higher level words on it: https://stjosephsenglishblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/10/high-level-vocabulary-to-use-for-paper-1-section-b/

I would recommend looking through the list and focusing on the ones that you are already familiar with. This just gives you an opportunity to get these words fresh in your brain ready for the exam as it too late now to learn a whole new vocabulary (I imagine you are sitting your exam this Monday). However, don't over complicate everything! Whilst ambitious vocabulary is certainly going to push your grade up, it isn't needed for every adjective and it is okay to use common words where you can't think of any better.

I would recommend reading through the piece you have already written above and replacing words with more ambitious vocabulary where appropriate. You can always use https://www.synonym.com/ for this.
Reply 4
Thank you so much!!

(Original post by Georgeallen)I found this website with 100 higher level words on it: https://stjosephsenglishblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/10/high-level-vocabulary-to-use-for-paper-1-section-b/

I would recommend looking through the list and focusing on the ones that you are already familiar with. This just gives you an opportunity to get these words fresh in your brain ready for the exam as it too late now to learn a whole new vocabulary (I imagine you are sitting your exam this Monday). However, don't over complicate everything! Whilst ambitious vocabulary is certainly going to push your grade up, it isn't needed for every adjective and it is okay to use common words where you can't think of any better.

I would recommend reading through the piece you have already written above and replacing words with more ambitious vocabulary where appropriate. You can always use https://www.synonym.com/ for this.

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