I'm getting reallll lonely (mostly venting) Advice if you can be bothered to read

Warning... This is gonna be long asf. I kinda just wanna let a lot of this out, it's been building for a long fuggin time. I don't expect anyone to read all of this, but if you do then you should know how much I appreciate your effort... it's A LOT of appreciation

I'm I'm the youngest of my family, as the younger of two siblings, and the you get of the general extended family in my generation. Growing up, being the youngest, dumbest and the crazy adhd riddled crackhead of a child I tended to be more of the jester of the family, and that position has remained in part to this day (I'm now 19). I kinda enjoyed it as a kid coz I was a stupid attention hog, but as I got older and more sensible and as the jesting remained, I realised that I was now outcast from my family in a way. I couldn't talk to my parents or sister about my concerns and other things without making a big deal about it otherwise it would be taken as a joke. I can't take it too seriously otherwise my dad begins trying to fix it (Mostly telling me why I'm wrong which is nice but not always helpful) and my mum can just be a bit much sometimes in all ways.
Then when I was 12 I moved school to a secondary school more local to us, but since my primary school was very very very far away, I knew no one and everyone had carried on their social circles from their schools since they were all local. When I started I tried to turn over a new leaf and really work hard, which didn't make me particularly popular, on top of me being the smallest person in the entire school when I started and being terrible at sports which mattered to people for some reason. As we got older these opinions didn't change so I didn't really have friends throughout the entirety of school except my one friend who used to bring me around with him, but even his friend group were cold to me. My dad always said 6th from is the time to have fun, and it'll be great, but it was bad, significantly worsened by my dumb hormonal brain. Right before I started 6th form my parents split up and my dad moved out which was hard since he's one of my biggest role models in life, and I was left with my mum (my sister was at uni) which was super hard since we really don't get along. After my first year of 6th from, I was required to move out of my mum's house and move into my dads little apartment with him, since some events that happened June 2021 meant that me living with my mum made her a danger to both me and herself. So things got worse, more lonely, more difficult more isolated. There was a girl I became friends with who I wrongly became too attached to at that time (entirely my fault) which you can imagine didn't end well, and though it was all friendly and respectful, we didn't remain friends. I later was diagnosed with depression and PTSD (from the events that took place between me and my mother) and things got worse.
At prom, everyone went and got drunk (England drinking allowed at 18) and I was super excited to join and have fun, but the bouncer didn't accept my PHOTO ID that was 2 days expired since "It could've been anyone" so when everyone was dancing with no inhibitions, I was too awkward and self conscious so I went and sat in the garden by myself for most of the night.
Summer happened, nothing happened, boring times and then I'm at uni. Everyone before, every adult said "1st year uni will be the best year of your life" but nothing happened. As soon as I got to uni, I thought "new leaf, new opportunities, go out, meet people, make friends" none of the friendships lasted more than 4 weeks except for 2. These two people text me maybe twice or thrice a month. Due to medical reasons I live in a studio apartment with its own kitchen, so I don't share with anyone else. I keep trying to be positive, I keep giving myself things to do to break the monotony. I keep going out to events to meet people but nothing happens. One of my old friends was meant to come meet me a month ago, and we were gonna get drinks and it was gonna be great. But they disappeared and blocked me without warning after being close for about 3 years. One of my other friends got a boyfriend recently and stopped texting me, then popped up yesterday to tell me to kill myself and point out everything thats wrong with me (the thing that hurt the most was everything she said was true and accurate). I have now finished University 1st year and have done absolutely nothing. I have achieved nothing in my 20 years of life other than teaching myself instruments to play by myself in my room. Seemingly all of my friends are always out clubbing, in relationships, friends parties doing stuff, and I haven't done anything ever. Never been to a house party, never been in a relationship, I haven't even had my first kiss. I keep trying to tell myself all the good things there are and keep my head up but my social life just always feels so dismal. I ask people out but they don't respond, I don't get invited to stuff, and if I invite myself I get told why it's probably not a good idea. I have quite a few online friends and I can say I have a pretty fun personality so I have no doubts in myself as a person. It's more probably me not making enough of an effort or other stuff. Once I know someone fairly well things are great, but that first step never seems to happen. This is all probably very lacking in context and self pitying but I just wanted to let some of this out. there are so many other things that are going on at the same time in parallel with this that are adding to my depression which I can delve into if any of you so wish. I know that every day to convince myself to go out is a battle with myself that gets harder but I'm still doing it. I'm afraid of the day that I start losing that battle. Idk, its hard not to fell left out and left behind

Thanks for reading if you got all the way through this, I honestly really appreciate it so much

It can be harder to meet people at university if you live alone. I think that you have done really well to get through your first year at university so you have certainly not achieved nothing.
Students at university can be cliquey once they get established in their friendship groups. Maybe try and join some societies next year to see if you can meet people that way. You are young and there is no hurry with relationships imo.
I always absolutely hated house parties and clubbing and clubbing is expensive. You are probably not missing out there!
Are you getting help or treatment for your depression?

i get what your sayin
same here with my parents i dont have great relationhip with people but the thing that helped the most was looking how people reacted or did and then tried to imply it to have friends. and surprisingly it worked.
i have the same bad relationship with my mom. to make it worse i have inattentive ADHD. which suprisingly she doesnt understand.
so you arent alone.
JF ZAK

You're dead on with that. I was expecting more differing cultures at uni, considering my insterests tended to be a little different to others at school (I'm a metalhead on a music course) but surprisingly I haven't found anyone yet. I'm going to join the Rock And Metal Society next year and I'm considering starting my own society as well. I went clubbing once with a new friend who's at my uni, who I ironically met at my friends uni and it was alright, nothing incredible but it was kinda fun 🤷.
As for the depression, I was on extreme Vitamin D tablets and now I'm on a lower daily dose which should apparently help since my Vitamin D is so low, but I'm about 6 points below the threshold for medication so I'm not allowed that. I was forced to see the school employed therapist last year, but after that ended my dad has private healthcare that he gets from work so he told me to speak to their therapists, but they're still messing around and its been a year and still don't have one yet :/

6 points below the threshold for antidepressants?

I am not trying to encourage you onto medication, just wondering what this means?

Joining that society sounds like a great idea.

You can access therapy like CBT through your GP although there is a waiting list.

Basically I had to do this whole assessment with the therapist and theres this graph showing supposedly how bad it is. Anyone who scored above 70 I think was the threshold meant they required medication, and I scored 6 points below the threshold meaning medication wasn't;t necessary, but it was still bad lol
I would go through the GP but then I'd have to pay for the therapist, which my dad says no because his healthcare can get it for free apparently 🤷

You're dead on with that. I was expecting more differing cultures at uni, considering my insterests tended to be a little different to others at school (I'm a metalhead on a music course) but surprisingly I haven't found anyone yet. I'm going to join the Rock And Metal Society next year and I'm considering starting my own society as well. I went clubbing once with a new friend who's at my uni, who I ironically met at my friends uni and it was alright, nothing incredible but it was kinda fun 🤷.
As for the depression, I was on extreme Vitamin D tablets and now I'm on a lower daily dose which should apparently help since my Vitamin D is so low, but I'm about 6 points below the threshold for medication so I'm not allowed that. I was forced to see the school employed therapist last year, but after that ended my dad has private healthcare that he gets from work so he told me to speak to their therapists, but they're still messing around and its been a year and still don't have one yet :/

Yooooo you're a metalhead that's awesome? Any particular favourite artists/genres?

You're dead on with that. I was expecting more differing cultures at uni, considering my insterests tended to be a little different to others at school (I'm a metalhead on a music course) but surprisingly I haven't found anyone yet. I'm going to join the Rock And Metal Society next year and I'm considering starting my own society as well. I went clubbing once with a new friend who's at my uni, who I ironically met at my friends uni and it was alright, nothing incredible but it was kinda fun 🤷.
As for the depression, I was on extreme Vitamin D tablets and now I'm on a lower daily dose which should apparently help since my Vitamin D is so low, but I'm about 6 points below the threshold for medication so I'm not allowed that. I was forced to see the school employed therapist last year, but after that ended my dad has private healthcare that he gets from work so he told me to speak to their therapists, but they're still messing around and its been a year and still don't have one yet :/

you like metal and rock? fav bands rn

Current favs are Machine Head, Jinjer, Alpha Wolf, Faetooth, Meshuggah and Opeth. But my favs are always changing

But my all time favourites are always going to be Alter Bridge and Tremonti

i love jinjer and meshuggah

who else do u listen to?

korn,slipknot, limp bizkit,angelmaker,three days grace and i have a bunch more bands but i forgot them

I used to fuggin LOVE three days grace