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self hating lesbian??? (help)

I think I might be gay but have no idea how to get over the fear of somebody knowing - for context, I'm generally quite reserved about my personal life / relationships, even with close friends.

I've thought this for about 3 years now and even though my friend group is largely queer and *technically* did kinda come out last year (in the form of a pinterest post of on an ig close friends story) I think most of my friends either missed it / forgot but everytime they bring up something related to crushes / queerness I get so worried someone will ask me or bring it up.

I know that you don't have to come out or anything and I want people to know but I don't want it to be a big deal or I suppose for it to be something people make reference to, I've just finished Y12 and really just want to get over this feeling before uni

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Maybe, if you're comfortable, you could wear a pride pin or keep any other form of LGBTQ+ merch on you so that it's always there as a sort of a reminder but not too extravagant. Other than that, you could casually "come out" by mentioning it in a conversation if it ever comes up, considering a lot of your friends are also queer, I'm assuming it's safe for you to do so. It may be a little awkward or scary initially but you are surrounded by people that are familiar with it so hopefully that helps you feel better once it does happen, I'm sure however you decide to approach it, it will go well. If you decide not to go through with it, anyone is allowed to keep their personal life private, if it comes up you could always just say you haven't thought about it or it doesn't interest you, it's alright if you don't feel comfortable to reveal such information.
Reply 2
You're how old? 17 18 ish?

You "think" you're gay....why not figure that out first and then worry about telling people. You might just be influenced by your surroundings (friends) and what comes with their social setting.
Reply 3
Original post by xox416
You're how old? 17 18 ish?

You "think" you're gay....why not figure that out first and then worry about telling people. You might just be influenced by your surroundings (friends) and what comes with their social setting.

I kinda do know but I just don't want to say it outright (see title of thread lol)
Reply 4
Original post by yogo1o
I think I might be gay but have no idea how to get over the fear of somebody knowing - for context, I'm generally quite reserved about my personal life / relationships, even with close friends.

I've thought this for about 3 years now and even though my friend group is largely queer and *technically* did kinda come out last year (in the form of a pinterest post of on an ig close friends story) I think most of my friends either missed it / forgot but everytime they bring up something related to crushes / queerness I get so worried someone will ask me or bring it up.

I know that you don't have to come out or anything and I want people to know but I don't want it to be a big deal or I suppose for it to be something people make reference to, I've just finished Y12 and really just want to get over this feeling before uni


Also, a pintrest post doesn't mean much. Maybe they took it as you just supporting that community.
(edited 9 months ago)
Reply 5
Original post by bloodyeclipse
Maybe, if you're comfortable, you could wear a pride pin or keep any other form of LGBTQ+ merch on you so that it's always there as a sort of a reminder but not too extravagant. Other than that, you could casually "come out" by mentioning it in a conversation if it ever comes up, considering a lot of your friends are also queer, I'm assuming it's safe for you to do so. It may be a little awkward or scary initially but you are surrounded by people that are familiar with it so hopefully that helps you feel better once it does happen, I'm sure however you decide to approach it, it will go well. If you decide not to go through with it, anyone is allowed to keep their personal life private, if it comes up you could always just say you haven't thought about it or it doesn't interest you, it's alright if you don't feel comfortable to reveal such information.

I think the issue is that I want people to know but to just never mention it ever again, which is obviously unrealistic, also my sister goes to the same school and so I'm a little worried about that, even though neither she nor my parents are homophobic, I think they'd be a little surprised considering I'm relatively straight laced
Reply 6
Original post by xox416
Also, a pintrest post doesn't mean much. Maybe they took it as you just supporting that community.


the pintrest post quite literally said "I am a lesbian" lol but I think most of them either didn't see it or forgot considering a some of the things they've said since
Reply 7
Original post by yogo1o
I kinda do know but I just don't want to say it outright (see title of thread lol)


Original post by yogo1o
I think the issue is that I want people to know but to just never mention it ever again, which is obviously unrealistic, also my sister goes to the same school and so I'm a little worried about that, even though neither she nor my parents are homophobic, I think they'd be a little surprised considering I'm relatively straight laced


Why do you want people to know?
Do you think you will find support and help with accepting yourself more?
Reply 8
Original post by xox416
Why do you want people to know?
Do you think you will find support and help with accepting yourself more?

Perhaps it's less that I want them to know and more that I don't want to hide it
Original post by yogo1o
I think the issue is that I want people to know but to just never mention it ever again, which is obviously unrealistic, also my sister goes to the same school and so I'm a little worried about that, even though neither she nor my parents are homophobic, I think they'd be a little surprised considering I'm relatively straight laced


In my experience, I don't really have it brought up unless we are directly talking about it, although I suppose it also depends on what your friend group is like. And if a pin is too noticeable then maybe a keychain on your pencil case? Or perhaps only wear it when you're going out with your friends? I'm not sure what else either than directly telling them. Alternatively you could just tell a few people that you're especially close with and ask them not to bring it up much because you aren't too comfortable about it, communication is key.
Reply 10
Original post by bloodyeclipse
In my experience, I don't really have it brought up unless we are directly talking about it, although I suppose it also depends on what your friend group is like. And if a pin is too noticeable then maybe a keychain on your pencil case? Or perhaps only wear it when you're going out with your friends? I'm not sure what else either than directly telling them. Alternatively you could just tell a few people that you're especially close with and ask them not to bring it up much because you aren't too comfortable about it, communication is key.

I think, after reading this, my issue is not with telling people but far more that I'm still uncomfortable with it myself and just very awkward with things like that generally, and I need to get over that first - I also think part of it is that it feels so permanent (even though things can change) as I'm far more comfortable with (or at least the idea of) telling people at work who I'm realistically almost never going to see as none of them go to my school
Original post by yogo1o
I think, after reading this, my issue is not with telling people but far more that I'm still uncomfortable with it myself and just very awkward with things like that generally, and I need to get over that first - I also think part of it is that it feels so permanent (even though things can change) as I'm far more comfortable with (or at least the idea of) telling people at work who I'm realistically almost never going to see as none of them go to my school


That's alright! Many people experience the same feelings and I suppose it mainly needs time and adjusting to in order to overcome these feelings. It's good that you recognise this since that is the first step, perhaps looking at (positive) content relating to LGBTQ+ and discovering more about your identity/preferences is a good way to become more comfortable with it. At the very least, remember you are surrounded by people that are part of the community, or at least supportive of it, so you are in a safe place. Coming out isn't necessarily "permanent", personally I've come out multiple times to friends and my sisters, and after all of that, I've just accepted that I'm...... whatever! You don't necessarily need to come out as a specific identity, you can just say you're queer/genderqueer/LGBTQ+, whatever feels safest for you. If later on, you become set on a specific label, great! If not, that's okay! Your surroundings and self awareness change naturally with time, so it's alright if your perceptions and preferences change too.
Could you choose one of your friends who is thoughtful and sensible, tell them, ask them to tell your other friends, but say you don't want them to make a fuss and that you don't want to have to explain or answer loads of questions? Good luck! Hope you can get it sorted so you can feel more settled.
Reply 13
Original post by bloodyeclipse
That's alright! Many people experience the same feelings and I suppose it mainly needs time and adjusting to in order to overcome these feelings. It's good that you recognise this since that is the first step, perhaps looking at (positive) content relating to LGBTQ+ and discovering more about your identity/preferences is a good way to become more comfortable with it. At the very least, remember you are surrounded by people that are part of the community, or at least supportive of it, so you are in a safe place. Coming out isn't necessarily "permanent", personally I've come out multiple times to friends and my sisters, and after all of that, I've just accepted that I'm...... whatever! You don't necessarily need to come out as a specific identity, you can just say you're queer/genderqueer/LGBTQ+, whatever feels safest for you. If later on, you become set on a specific label, great! If not, that's okay! Your surroundings and self awareness change naturally with time, so it's alright if your perceptions and preferences change too.


Thank you! I'm hoping that maybe it will be easier at uni as I think it's (hopefully) easier to introduce yourself as queer right away rather than have people get to know you as straight and then tell them
Original post by yogo1o
Thank you! I'm hoping that maybe it will be easier at uni as I think it's (hopefully) easier to introduce yourself as queer right away rather than have people get to know you as straight and then tell them


If you'd like to, maybe see if you your uni has LGBTQ+ specific accommodation if you would prefer? Although, it's completely fine if not. I agree that being in a new setting makes it easier to tell people though! I'm glad that I could help, and I hope it all goes well for you!
Reply 15
Original post by bloodyeclipse
If you'd like to, maybe see if you your uni has LGBTQ+ specific accommodation if you would prefer? Although, it's completely fine if not. I agree that being in a new setting makes it easier to tell people though! I'm glad that I could help, and I hope it all goes well for you!


I had no idea that was a thing! I might take a look at that when deciding onto where to apply
Reply 16
Original post by yogo1o
Thank you! I'm hoping that maybe it will be easier at uni as I think it's (hopefully) easier to introduce yourself as queer right away rather than have people get to know you as straight and then tell them

You're going to introduce yourself as queer?
you're not homosexual. stop hanging out mostly with homosexual people and you'll quickly learn that.
Reply 18
Original post by xox416
You're going to introduce yourself as queer?

no but it's easier to admit something if you haven't spent the past few years adamantly denying it
Original post by yogo1o
no but it's easier to admit something if you haven't spent the past few years adamantly denying it


admit you want attention and validation. get a new friend group

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