I am aware im posting this on a public platform so if you have anything to say or any comments feel free. I’m not looking for a diagnosis- just like a possible explanation or if someone can tell me if it’s normal or not. I’ve always been alone- never physically but always emotionally. I have friends & I wouldn’t say I struggle to make friends but like I can never trust my friends? If that makes sense. The older I got, I’d separate myself from my family due to me just not getting along with any of them especially my parents and I've spent a lot of my teenage years alone in my bedroom. Around the age of 13-15 I experienced very strong idk what to call them but like symptoms? I absolutely loved and enjoyed being alone, I’d always be on my phone and then I started picking up odd habits such as speaking to myself. When I say that I mean I would sit there in my room, staring at nothing, having full blown conversations in my head and then I realised as I was doing this I’d whisper to myself and the emotions the people in my head had- I’d feel in real life like if someone in my head died I’d genuinely be hit by grief even though they aren’t real. At one point I spent about 6-8 hours in the shower not realising how long I’d been in there having these discussions. At the time too I’d neglected myself and had very poor hygiene (matted hair & hadn’t showered in over 2 months). Then from the age of 17 til now I realised I’m doing the same thing that I did before, my hair is currently matted and I still speak to myself, I kind of find it entertaining to some extent but like I can’t really control it. When I try to concentrate my mind just makes up more stories as I lose focus. A lot of the time the stories in my head aren’t bad it’s just like me having super powers or me having a family of my own or it’s often me playing the main character in movies or shows I’ve recently watched but recently it’s starting to get a bit darker. I know tiktok isn’t the most reliable place but I seen a tiktok discussing something similar to this and a lot of people in the comments say they do it too so I’m confused whether or not what I do is an issue or not. I find it difficult to be in public settings/being with people for long periods of time because I can’t be my true self, I can’t openly speak to myself without seeming like a weird person and I just don’t know what to do now