Social Anxiety at Uni
So I (19M) will be starting 2nd year at uni in about a month, but 1st year was a bit of a train wreck to put things mildly.
I've never really made that many friendships in primary / secondary and those I did make were transient or halfhearted. I never felt like I was on the same wavelength as many of my peers and it often left me feeling misunderstood or just generally very isolated / lonely.
Going into university I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to make friends and have a better social life, but that pressure turned into a social anxiety. I felt extremely nervous when meeting new people, and I often overcompensated for that by trying to act like someone I'm not and suppressing my personality, telling myself that there was clearly something fundamentally wrong with me as a person, because otherwise I would have done far better socially at school!
I didn't join societies and things because I was convinced that I was just going to mess things up with anyone and everyone I met.
With some people, if I hit it off with them even at first, I started to think of the friendship as something valuable that I could lose with even one wrong move, so I started to become ultra-aware of every little sign of possible dislike or rejection, and I'll admit this probably came across as clinginess.
In particular, I would get worried when my texts went unanswered or I had reason to believe someone may have blocked me.
Sometimes I feel like I am too much of a pushover too, too much of a people pleaser.
Naturally some of this fear of judgment comes because I'm judging myself, not just for failure to have a good social life up until now but also because of my body image, I've been overweight for as long as I can remember and I never seem to be able to get rid of the weight.
In Winter 2022-23 I really struggled in halls, and fell into depression. I felt isolated, unwanted and lonely, even worthless, and my work suffered too.
I managed to get mitigating circumstances, and defer some exams to August resit series. I think being home has made it a lot easier to ignore the FOMO and focus on my work.
I passed all modules, and I'm really happy with myself but it also means I move to Year 2 from October.
I have to be honest with myself. My social life is not going to be much better than how it was at the end of Year 1, or maybe even worse, because I haven't done a great job of staying in touch with everyone from year 1, especially when I was studying for August deferred exams.
Eventually later in the year, as I began to realize the reason for getting clingy was because I was overcompensating for my social anxiety, I started to get very withdrawn and now I am reluctant to connect with even those people I do get on with.
And throughout all this, I think back to everything I've missed. I had no friends to hang out with on weekends, I never went to a high school party, I've never dated or had sex (though I know that that is not something I should, or want to, rush into!)
I'm so scared of being judged, I feel like everyone on my course has already formed an opinion of me.
Right now I still feel so alone and I'm worried the depression will come back as soon as Year 2 starts again and along with it the usual FOMO.
At the moment I feel like I'm being treated as an outsider from all the major friend groups.
I want to break out of this endless rut and finally become someone who is more confident and I do what I want without worry of being judged and I have friends I can spend time with and closer friends I can turn to when things are harder.
I know that I have character flaws but I really want to change them and live without their burden.
I've had a lot of the usual superficial "join societies to find likeminded people, uni is a big place, to hell with those who judge you" type of advice, and I think it hasn't really helped me.
I do plan to join societies this year and I get that I need to worry less about what people think, but I really want to have some perspectives on my specific situation from fellow students.
I've never really made that many friendships in primary / secondary and those I did make were transient or halfhearted. I never felt like I was on the same wavelength as many of my peers and it often left me feeling misunderstood or just generally very isolated / lonely.
Going into university I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to make friends and have a better social life, but that pressure turned into a social anxiety. I felt extremely nervous when meeting new people, and I often overcompensated for that by trying to act like someone I'm not and suppressing my personality, telling myself that there was clearly something fundamentally wrong with me as a person, because otherwise I would have done far better socially at school!
I didn't join societies and things because I was convinced that I was just going to mess things up with anyone and everyone I met.
With some people, if I hit it off with them even at first, I started to think of the friendship as something valuable that I could lose with even one wrong move, so I started to become ultra-aware of every little sign of possible dislike or rejection, and I'll admit this probably came across as clinginess.
In particular, I would get worried when my texts went unanswered or I had reason to believe someone may have blocked me.
Sometimes I feel like I am too much of a pushover too, too much of a people pleaser.
Naturally some of this fear of judgment comes because I'm judging myself, not just for failure to have a good social life up until now but also because of my body image, I've been overweight for as long as I can remember and I never seem to be able to get rid of the weight.
In Winter 2022-23 I really struggled in halls, and fell into depression. I felt isolated, unwanted and lonely, even worthless, and my work suffered too.
I managed to get mitigating circumstances, and defer some exams to August resit series. I think being home has made it a lot easier to ignore the FOMO and focus on my work.
I passed all modules, and I'm really happy with myself but it also means I move to Year 2 from October.
I have to be honest with myself. My social life is not going to be much better than how it was at the end of Year 1, or maybe even worse, because I haven't done a great job of staying in touch with everyone from year 1, especially when I was studying for August deferred exams.
Eventually later in the year, as I began to realize the reason for getting clingy was because I was overcompensating for my social anxiety, I started to get very withdrawn and now I am reluctant to connect with even those people I do get on with.
And throughout all this, I think back to everything I've missed. I had no friends to hang out with on weekends, I never went to a high school party, I've never dated or had sex (though I know that that is not something I should, or want to, rush into!)
I'm so scared of being judged, I feel like everyone on my course has already formed an opinion of me.
Right now I still feel so alone and I'm worried the depression will come back as soon as Year 2 starts again and along with it the usual FOMO.
At the moment I feel like I'm being treated as an outsider from all the major friend groups.
I want to break out of this endless rut and finally become someone who is more confident and I do what I want without worry of being judged and I have friends I can spend time with and closer friends I can turn to when things are harder.
I know that I have character flaws but I really want to change them and live without their burden.
I've had a lot of the usual superficial "join societies to find likeminded people, uni is a big place, to hell with those who judge you" type of advice, and I think it hasn't really helped me.
I do plan to join societies this year and I get that I need to worry less about what people think, but I really want to have some perspectives on my specific situation from fellow students.
Social skills:
Be open, relaxed, approachable, friendly, lighten up
0) You can try nlp exercises, meditation, breathing techniques, visualisation. You can read books on this subject and there is a wealth of resources on the internet, youtube regarding this subject.
1) Relax, imagine you're just observing or there as a traveller. For example, if you are on holiday, you go there to experience and observe the attraction, you're not going to get anxious doing that are you?
2) Smile, smiling in contagious.
3) Be confident, respect yourself, accept yourself, work out, wear good clothes, feel good, focus on your passions, know you are a good person who treats people well, you have got as much right as everyone else.
Think positively, be proud of yourself, do things that make you happy, remember your happy times, what makes you confident? What makes you proud? Do you have a skill you are good at? Do things like cooking, driving, learning that increases your confidence daily. Relax.
Have good posture, body language, improve your appearance. Be happy with yourself.
4) Dress well, have good grooming, hairstyle, have good posture.
5) Just say hi or hey to people in your vicinity, who cares if they don't say anything back?
6) Ask how they are, how's everything, how's it going, what's the latest, what made them choose this course, their plans for the future, their plans for the rest of the day, weekend, how was their weekend, their day, what they will get up to, what they got up to, ask them about their hobbies, talk about what's happening. You could read up on current affairs.
Talk about the weather or did you see that sports game? Just mingle with them,
Compliment them, say "I like your jacket".
If you know they went on a holiday or somewhere, ask them about it etc.
7) Be passionate about life.
8) In group discussions, relax and talk to someone close or if someone says something you know, you can talk then. Stay relaxed.
9) Lighten up, have a laugh, laugh easily, be friendly, approachable, interested, relaxed.
10) You can write things down and come up with a rational reframed response, keep a journal of your thoughts, reach out to people slowly
Be open, relaxed, approachable, friendly, lighten up
0) You can try nlp exercises, meditation, breathing techniques, visualisation. You can read books on this subject and there is a wealth of resources on the internet, youtube regarding this subject.
1) Relax, imagine you're just observing or there as a traveller. For example, if you are on holiday, you go there to experience and observe the attraction, you're not going to get anxious doing that are you?
2) Smile, smiling in contagious.
3) Be confident, respect yourself, accept yourself, work out, wear good clothes, feel good, focus on your passions, know you are a good person who treats people well, you have got as much right as everyone else.
Think positively, be proud of yourself, do things that make you happy, remember your happy times, what makes you confident? What makes you proud? Do you have a skill you are good at? Do things like cooking, driving, learning that increases your confidence daily. Relax.
Have good posture, body language, improve your appearance. Be happy with yourself.
4) Dress well, have good grooming, hairstyle, have good posture.
5) Just say hi or hey to people in your vicinity, who cares if they don't say anything back?
6) Ask how they are, how's everything, how's it going, what's the latest, what made them choose this course, their plans for the future, their plans for the rest of the day, weekend, how was their weekend, their day, what they will get up to, what they got up to, ask them about their hobbies, talk about what's happening. You could read up on current affairs.
Talk about the weather or did you see that sports game? Just mingle with them,
Compliment them, say "I like your jacket".
If you know they went on a holiday or somewhere, ask them about it etc.
7) Be passionate about life.
8) In group discussions, relax and talk to someone close or if someone says something you know, you can talk then. Stay relaxed.
9) Lighten up, have a laugh, laugh easily, be friendly, approachable, interested, relaxed.
10) You can write things down and come up with a rational reframed response, keep a journal of your thoughts, reach out to people slowly
