I think I suffer from some kind of academic trauma
Title. When I was in Y5-6 I had a teacher who constantly picked on me for answers, and when I didn't know what to say, I got berated and looked like a fool in front of everyone else.
"We went through this several times. Why do you still not get it?"
He would say things like that, and it hurt so badly that I became cold toward others because I was scared of ever letting them down, so I somewhat became a loner. But in secondary school, I never forgot about that man and worked hard and came out with basically A* and As for most of my subjects, so I was kind of grateful that I turned that pain to resolve.
However, there are times when I break down when I realise I've made a mistake like now. I sat crying for an hour after realising I made citation mistakes in my first UNI essay. I hate being looked down on and feeling dumb. I know I am not an academic genius, but I want to, and I have this toxic relationship with academics. It's lowkey painful at times because I feel that if I don't put in hard work and get good grades, I am a failure.
Outside school, I don't have much going for me, so I centre my whole life on academics. So if I make a tiny mistake or get a bad grade, I can cry for hours because of it. I don;t know how to get out of something that is practically a big part of my life.
"We went through this several times. Why do you still not get it?"
He would say things like that, and it hurt so badly that I became cold toward others because I was scared of ever letting them down, so I somewhat became a loner. But in secondary school, I never forgot about that man and worked hard and came out with basically A* and As for most of my subjects, so I was kind of grateful that I turned that pain to resolve.
However, there are times when I break down when I realise I've made a mistake like now. I sat crying for an hour after realising I made citation mistakes in my first UNI essay. I hate being looked down on and feeling dumb. I know I am not an academic genius, but I want to, and I have this toxic relationship with academics. It's lowkey painful at times because I feel that if I don't put in hard work and get good grades, I am a failure.
Outside school, I don't have much going for me, so I centre my whole life on academics. So if I make a tiny mistake or get a bad grade, I can cry for hours because of it. I don;t know how to get out of something that is practically a big part of my life.
Hi! I'm so sorry you experienced this, and it isn't fair for a teacher to belittle you or single you out. As this has affected you (and you have done supremely well for yourself in terms of grades!) I would suggest having hobbies, or at least time, where you aren't academics focussed. Taking up a sport or joining an arts club with friends might make you feel support from a coach or mentor and just enjoy learning something new- the important thing is not to put any pressure on yourself when doing this. Best of luck with everything 
