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I don't know how to deal with everything that's going on...

I am in y13 now, I've submitted my UCAS application and A-levels are going surprisingly okay. But I'm just struggling to deal with life and I really don't know what to do.

In January 2023, my grandfather died. I fell into somewhat of a depression, where I just couldn't find the point in doing anything. But I got through it, at least at the time.

Then, in April, I found out my brother was diagnosed with a form of muscular dystrophy. For the second time, I felt depressed (though I didn't recognise it at the time). I just couldn't find the point in doing anything. I stopped all my hobbies, and just trudged through my schoolwork, doing the bare minimum.

My parents haven't gotten along for the last 5 or so years, and arguments are the norm. So over the summer, it's always quite difficult, especially in recent years, because we are all together, there's no school and everyone's stepping over each other's toes, for lack of better expression. It's pretty much asking for arguments. So anyway, summer was difficult, especially because we were still all coming to terms with this recent diagnosis. Towards the end of the summer and the start of September, I began struggling again, finding it really difficult to keep motivated or to do anything.

It's been okay after that, but about a week ago, I got that awful feeling again. Before January this year, I'd never felt like that before, but since then I've felt a lack of motivation and purpose and felt like there's no point in life 4 times. I just don't know how to deal with it. When this feeling came about earlier, some days would be worse than others, and it's the same now. But it's just getting worse. No one at school knew what was going on when it first started happening, but it's got to the point that it's been showing so much at school that I have explained the basics of what is going on to a couple of close teachers.

But it's hard. And I really don't know what to do. It affected my studies in y12 my mocks weren't great. But now, I am getting on with my work. I'm getting A's in classes something I found difficult to do in y12. My issue is getting from A to A*. It's not a bad place to be at all, and in many ways I'm quite fortunate that my grades in y13 aren't taking a major hit because of this at least yet. I want A*'s, so that's definitely one thing which is motivating me not to give up on school and everything which I could do, easily. Sometimes I consider it, even. I wonder what happens if I just tell my parents I'm not feeling well, and I don't want to go to school. I feel like I could even convince them... only staying at home would be worse than school, so hey, I guess.

It's just that mentally, I feel I'm constantly debating the point of life and I just don't know what I'm doing. When I am in this 'mood', some days I can barely hold it together to the point I get asked if I'm 'okay' by literally everyone, home and school, other days I am fine while in school and once I'm home it's difficult. Sometimes I'm fine for a day and the next day I'm back to that miserable feeling. And other days I want to cry and I just physically can't. I'm feeling awful and I think crying will let it out but no matter what I try even if that means physically pushing myself to the point where it hurts I just can't.

For me, at least, the worst part is that I shouldn't really be feeling this way. I should just get on with my work and do the best I can. Aim for those A*'s and get them, too. My brother has it the worst, yet he's always smiling and always happy and he's ******* 14. And he's told me, "I may not live that long, so I'm just going to enjoy while I can." I can't. It's not fair that he has to go through that when he's still so young. I wish he didn't have to. Of course, it's difficult for my parents too, but they get on with it. They get past their differences and they get on with their lives. The fighting has gotten less in the last couple of months, even; they're just getting on with life because they have to.

So why can't I? Objectively, I have it the easiest. I don't have a condition which is going to alter my whole life. I don't have to massively take care of my brother like them (just as much as a sister can, like helping with hw and stuff). I don't have to deal with a marriage which, more probably than not, isn't going to work. I just need to focus on A levels and get the grades which aren't even something I need to get. My parents would probably be okay if I got just A's. There's no pressure apart from what I want to achieve myself. And it just sucks that I feel this way when I really shouldn't because compared to others, I have it easy.

Maybe it's hormones? I thought I'd be past that by now... but anyway.

This has turned into a rant, and if you've read this far, thank you. I don't even know what I'm asking for. Advice? Or maybe I just needed to get it out there?

I doubt anyone has gone through anything similar, but if you have, maybe let me know how you dealt with it? How to deal with this awful feeling of not seeing the point in doing anything? How to get on with life when it feels like your family is falling apart...? How to deal with life in general, even.

Anyway... thanks for reading. (:
Hello, it sounds like you have a lot of difficult things/feelings going on at the moment. As you said in your post, maybe you did need to write it all down (sometimes that can be really helpful). If you do want to reach out to a more specialist organisation, site may be useful- https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support
The Mix provide support in numerous ways for young people having a difficult time- I do hope this posts helps :smile:

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