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Depression Society MKIII

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Reply 3320

RachelOranges

raisin.

I'm sorry you had a bit of a rubbish day yesterday, it does sound as though it wasn't your fault though and at least your pharmacist was lovely about it! I know what you mean about the feeling of being 'in the way' - I seem to get that around everyone sometimes, even my family/friends. It's been particularly difficult at uni because obviously everyone's quite 'new', so when I'm feeling low I tend to just hide away so that I don't have to bother them with how I am. You really shouldn't be scared of doctors judging you - just think how many people they've seen before! I've had awful experiences in the past, but the doctor/counsellor I am seeing now are both pretty decent. Don't get me wrong - my doctor's a typical bloke and I do sometimes feel as though he is judging me a little but that's probably just paranoia. The bottom line is, he listens and takes me seriously enough to sort my medication out and do the best thing for me so it's definitely worth it.

I'm glad you have your faith. :smile:

I'm not remotely religious but in a way I am sort of.. spiritual, and it helps sometimes. I hope today is a little better x

Yeah I had a chat with a friend ( who also suffers from depression) and he recommended that I see the doctor too. I'm just scared that it makes things so ....final...I've been feeling :frown:

for just over a year now and I thought it would go away but it just keeps building up. I can go for days where I'm almost 100% happy and then something will change and I just feel rubbish again. I've never been confident but its only recently that I freak out when I see people, I just want to hide when people look at me. I'm ok with my small group of friends but even just being in the kitchen with my flat mates...the way some of them look at me ( complete paranoia probably), but I can just feel the hate, so I just retreate to my room...its not healthy.
I want to speak to my mum before I go and see the doctor but...I don't want to upset her, I've told her about my anxiety and stuff and she thinks its a phase...she doesn't really like talking about mental health/emotions. She's a very strong person so I guess she thinks I should just "man up" as they say...

One of my flat mates was joking about being suicidal...hmmmm
I was talking to one of my friends about how I feel and she said that I seem fine, I don't show it but I've been brought up that way, I'm very good at masking things, I cry a clows tears or whatever they say. :rolleyes:

Placement was ok today, I managed not to break anything but I kept getting horrible thoughts, and wondering what it would be like to get run over :s-smilie:

Anyway enough about me, how are you bearing up?

Reply 3321

Emsybean

RachelOranges

I kept getting horrible thoughts, and wondering what it would be like to get run over :s-smilie:

I have thoughts like that sometimes - I was shopping yesterday and wondered what would happen if I just threw myself over the escalator. I never usually have thoughts like that, when I do they rattle me quite a bit :s-smilie:

You don't need to 'man up', if anything it's better to let everything out than keeping it bottled up. You know you can PM any of us if you're feeling down anyway :hugs:

Reply 3322

raisin.

dappleddawndrawndauphin

...

Aw sorry to hear you had your birthday spoiled by that! That's rubbish.

I can completely relate to throwing yourself straight into your MA - I think that's why I never even considered taking a gap year between sixth form and first year! If I do leave, then I was going to get a part-time job (probably just retail or something like that) and hopefully find some psychology related voluntary work. That way, I'll be able to save up whilst still getting some experience to put in my new PS. I would really love to go travelling, but I don't think I'd be able to afford it because of saving up. I might try and find a way round it, though.

Yeah you sound pretty similar to me - I'm naturally shy and socially anxious too, but I'm fine around people I'm close to; the complete opposite, even. I had a really good group of friends in secondary school but then I moved school for sixth form and lots happened and I pretty much drifted from everyone. I was with my ex for ages and he was my only 'support' for a while, so I sort of went crazy when I first got to uni and we broke up haha. I've met some nice people here but it is hard being in this environment and with flatmates etc. when I feel the way I do sometimes. It's good that it worked out for you eventually though.. I keep thinking perhaps I should try and stick it out a little longer, 'cause it's true that you never know that's around the corner. :smile:

Oooh thanks for the info about York - i'll definitely look into it then and I may give admissions a ring/email. You're probably right about grades and stuff, but it's nice to know I'm not the only who gets paranoid I'm not good enough. Sorry to hear you missed your offer and had a hard time :hugs:

It's crap when stuff gets affected by everything.. but i try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason! Haha. You seem to have done amazingly well anyway though, so perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing?

Thank you for being lovely - it really helps to know I'm not the only one who feels/thinks stuff like this! I also never thought about myself as a 'caring' person - but I suppose I am deep down. I'll remind myself of that next time I'm feeling rubbish. :smile:

Don't be sorry about the length! I'm always writing essays. I'm reallyyyy sleepy right now so I apologise if this is all a bit rambly but I wanted to reply so that I didn't forget. :biggrin:

Hope you've had an okay day! x

Reply 3323

raisin.

RachelOranges

Anyway enough about me, how are you bearing up?

i know what you mean about going to the doctors making it seem 'final' (I felt the same) but it honestly is so, so worth it. I let how I felt build up for literally years.. Other people pressured me into going to get help when I wasn't ready, but when I actually took the plunge and went by myself a month or so ago I felt so relieved. I hate to say it but chances are that if you leave it, it won't go away on it's own and it will more than likely get worse. Isolating yourself (though natural when you feel like that) really isn't good and it's a sign that you definitely need some sort of support. My Mum's been tricky in the past too so I know how that feels, but surely she'll be there for you/support you if you're just completely honest with her and are sensible about it? Maybe try writing her a letter/email so you can communicate the extent of it? (I always clam up and get embarrassed when I have to talk about stuff face to face.)

I also know what you mean about coming across as 'fine' - if anything, i think that's worked against me before! People are often genuinely shocked when they find out about all the stuff I'm hiding away underneath.. which is why I generally keep it to myself haha. I think there comes a point where you have to just be honest though (with people you're close to, anyway) and if they love you then they'll listen and understand. Try not to listen to idiotic comments/'jokes' from flatmates - people are silly!

I'm glad your placement was okay today, although those sorts of thoughts are horrible. They can be really scary, and I think that alone shows you really should try and get some help if you can. I don't mean in a 'you're a nutter way' - I just mean that nobody should have to put up with that. :hugs:

I'm doing alright actually thank you! I don't know if it's the medication or just luck, but I've been feeling surprisingly 'buzzy' today. There's still lots of stuff bothering me but i've been finding it hard to actually 'care' and have sort of just been pushing it out of my mind and getting on with it. I'm trying really hard to be optimistic about university and I've decided to try and throw myself into giving it one last try.. I might put myself on the housing swap list, to see if changing accommodation helps. Perhaps a change of scenery/people could be useful! It's unlikely I'll move in with a group that'll become my new best friends but.. It's worth a go.

Ahh - essay! Sorry. :biggrin:

Reply 3324

dappleddawndrawndauphin

Sabertooth

Yeah it's not really panic, maybe a fair amount of anxiety but mostly I just can't concentrate at all and I have no idea why, well sometimes I can explain it but I think on those occasions it's the fact I couldn't do it leading to other things stopping me. Yes...that doesn't really make sense

. You're right it might possibly be the medication I'm on but there are various reasons I have to keep taking it. :frown:

I tried loads of relaxation techniques last year and tbh there didn't really help. I'm not really a relaxation kind of person, if I go to the gym or play sports it's much more relaxing for me - though I did those things and they're not helping either.
The private rooms in the library sound like a good idea, I'll enquire about those. Thanks! Although I'm having a really hard time in lectures and seminars following them and stuff. ergh, I really don't know why I'm even here anymore.
And yeah I know what you mean about them mornings. Had a 10am lecture today...didn't happen.

I think anxiety can make you feel as though you can't do something even when you can though, and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and stops you from focusing properly. How do you feel about the work exactly? Personally when I have these problems, I find that even though I know logically that I can do the work and have always gotten good marks in the past, on some level I start geniunely believing that the tasks are beyond me, etc. Fair enough about the medication - I'm having the same dilemma. Have you spoken to the GP to see if there's anything you could take with less damaging side effects where concentration's concerned?

I find relaxation really hard and don't seem to get as many benefits from it as the others who are doing it, but if you keep at it it can at least release the muscle tension a bit - though I guess if you're sporty that's less of an issue. Good luck with the private room mission, I hope something turns up!
Those mornings are becoming a disturbing majority for me again and are starting to swallow up the afternoons too... :frown:

Reply 3325

dappleddawndrawndauphin

raisin.

Thanks - yeah it wasn't the best birthday ever, but I'm actually blaming my mum for having me in the month when the worst things always seem to happen :p:

That sounds like an excellent idea :smile:

What kind of voluntary work's usually available in the psychology field? Money is always the issue - maybe you could treat yourself to a shorter trip somewhere nice instead?
Me too, I'm quite loud when I'm with company I know well, but it takes me a looong time to feel that comfortable around people! I'm really sorry about your ex, sounds v. difficult for you :hugs:

Do you still see him at all? I can definitely see how it would be hard going from boyfriend-support-base to new-acquaintances like that. I've certainly had trouble adjusting to being around new people again. I'm now socially isolating myself more than usual because I don't feel I've known anyone here long enough to hoist my troubles upon them, but when I do go out I can't quite seem to keep my mouth shut all the time and most of my thoughts are negative atm... so I'm staying in! :o:

Thank you

Yeah in all fairness I think Cambridge, which was originally my firm, would've been the end of me!! Too much stress. UEA turned out to be perfect for me and now I can't imagine having gone anywhere else.
You're certainly not the only one! & you should definitely remind yourself of all your good qualities :smile:

My counsellor always tells me to make a list of mine but I can never think of anything really :o:

In reference to your other post, glad you're feeling buzzier and happier :biggrin:

Reply 3326

kiss_me_now9

Eurgh. I don't get this. My life is fine atm, I'm on half term, my uni app is sorted out, I've finally sorted a few friend problems out, my Dad is back on Sunday and I'm going to stay with a mate in a few days, nothing is 'wrong'. But I don't feel happy at all and I spend most of the time thinking about what life would be like if I wasn't around. It scares me how normal I find those kind of thoughts, they're the same to me now as thinking 'Oh, I need to pop down the shops for some milk'. I don't want them to be around forever, do they ever go away?

Sorry to just moan constantly :o:

Eurghhh.

Reply 3327

RachelOranges

raisin.

....

Nice to hear that you are doing well, essays are good lol. :biggrin:

I had a chat to mum today about seeing the doctor and she said that its just a matter of finding the courage, but she also thinks that the lack of sleep isn't helping my situation either which could contribute to my anxiety. In a way that can't be helped, people have been mucking about with the fire alarm at halls, it went on from 2am-4am...I only got 4 hours sleep and seeing as I'm suffering from disterbed sleeping patterens anyway it hasn't done me any favours.

I'm looking for somewhere else to live at the moment too but its really hard, I would like to live with my close friend though, I feel so lonely here at halls even though I'm surrounded by people, I just feel like I'm on a different planet to them, they are nice but I just feel so...in the way whenever I'm around my flat mates, I think it will be nice to live with someone I can be my self around.

The weeks placement is almost up ( and then its just back to doing fridays). Then I can get on with the coursework.

I'll see how next week goes ( I said that last week), if I'm still feeling this crap then I'll ring the doctors ( instead of having to face the dragon at reception face to face lol).

Thanks for listening. :hugs:

hope things remain as good as they are for you :yep:

kiss_me_now9

I know how you feel, for once, things are going perfectly in my life and yet I'm so miserable. It seems that I was a lot stronger when I was going through all the bad stages growing up and now things are better...I'm just :cry:

, its like a delayed reaction. :confused:

to you anyway

Reply 3328

RachelOranges

Emsybean

You don't need to 'man up', if anything it's better to let everything out than keeping it bottled up. You know you can PM any of us if you're feeling down anyway :hugs:

Yeah it is scary isn't it, I know its stupid yet I still get those thoughts, I see the cars coming and I get this sudden urge to step out infront of it. Thanks for the support :hugs:

Reply 3329

kiss_me_now9

RachelOranges

Yeah it is scary isn't it, I know its stupid yet I still get those thoughts, I see the cars coming and I get this sudden urge to step out infront of it. Thanks for the support :hugs:

God I hate them! Normally when I'm waiting for the train to college in the morning ("I should just jump onto the tracks...") I tend to stop myself by pointing out that the trains aren't going fast enough when they're pulling into the station :o:

*Retreats to her crazy corner*

:hugs:

Reply 3330

dappleddawndrawndauphin

RachelOranges

Yeah it is scary isn't it, I know its stupid yet I still get those thoughts, I see the cars coming and I get this sudden urge to step out infront of it. Thanks for the support

I never get properly suicidal cos I'm terrified of dying, but I actually do get these feelings about cars for some reason - sometimes when I'm very down I'll deliberately cross recklessly or end up willing the cars to slow down and hit me. :confused:

Also I become very drawn to downbeat music and films involving suicide, like "The Hours". I try to fight these impulses though.

Today has been bad for me :frown:

I hope tomorrow is better. & I hope you feel better :console:

I saw in your prev. post that you're thinking about going to the doctor for advice. While I very much hope that you start feeling better of your own accord and don't need to, please don't be afraid to go - I'm sure they'll be very understanding and hopefully will be able to help :hugs:

Reply 3331

Sabertooth

This day has not been good at all. :frown:

Reply 3332

kiss_me_now9

Sabertooth

This day has not been good at all. :frown:

Wanna talk about it?

Reply 3333

Sabertooth

kiss_me_now9

Wanna talk about it?

This sounds pretty crazy, I keep seeing things and it's really worrying. I know they're not real because they don't remain in the state I see them for very long, like if I look away. But it's still really worrying and kind of scary.

Reply 3334

mathperson

Sabertooth

what sort of things do you see, and what do you mean they are not in the same state? don't start worrying about it, I experienced this recently and it gets worse when I'm tired, like my brain overanalyses everything.

Reply 3335

dappleddawndrawndauphin

Why can't I get a grip :cry:

Reply 3336

Sabertooth

mathperson

I keep seeing deep open cuts on my arms, people in the corridor had blood-stained clothes and hands, messages about my personal life were painted on walls around uni and on the board behind the lecturer in my class, spiders (which I'm terrified of) on walls and tables. By state I just meant how it appears, like I feel awful when I see then I look away and back and most of the time the things are gone. I'm so worried and scared, I don't know why this is happening.

Reply 3337

Sabertooth

dappleddawndrawndauphin

Why can't I get a grip :cry:

what do you need a grip on?

Reply 3338

Malsy

Reply 3339

dappleddawndrawndauphin

Sabertooth

what do you need a grip on?

Myself. My life isn't even particularly bad in the grand scheme of things, I'm just letting hormones, anxiety & negativity control me again - keep thinking I've snapped out of it but only the smallest things have to go wrong at the moment for it to feel like life and death :s-smilie:

I wish I could stop the crying and the hopelessness and pull myself together.

Sorry to hear you've had a rough day. The incidents with seeing things sound nervewracking :console:

Is there someone (maybe professional) you can talk to about it?