Depression Society MKIII

I feel like **** too be honest.. found out last week my dad only has 6 months maximum to live and he tried to help me dig some trees up today and he just couldnt do it.. I remember when I was little and he used to do it on his own and I would carry the occasional bucket of dirt and he would make it out as if I had been a real help when frankly I probably made it take longer than if he had done it himself. Just too see the change in him makes me feel crap..

I just wish he would be around to see me do something worthwile with my life.. Im going to try spend more time with him for the time remaining but I just guess I wish I had done this earlier.. instead of sitting up in my room.. He is probably the only reason I havnt let a train roll over my head yet.. I dont want to hurt him.. it scares me to think what I will do when he isnt around anymore.. FFS I need to pull my self together instead of sitting here crying.. I dont normally cry..

I feel like **** too be honest.. found out last week my dad only has 6 months maximum to live and he tried to help me dig some trees up today and he just couldnt do it.. I remember when I was little and he used to do it on his own and I would carry the occasional bucket of dirt and he would make it out as if I had been a real help when frankly I probably made it take longer than if he had done it himself. Just too see the change in him makes me feel crap..

I just wish he would be around to see me do something worthwile with my life.. Im going to try spend more time with him for the time remaining but I just guess I wish I had done this earlier.. instead of sitting up in my room.. He is probably the only reason I havnt let a train roll over my head yet.. I dont want to hurt him.. it scares me to think what I will do when he isnt around anymore.. FFS I need to pull my self together instead of sitting here crying.. I dont normally cry..

****, it's all back again. All the negative feelings and sexual confusion. Disillusioned with life, but I've nobody to talk to. Sick of the generic Samaritans ********. Which I could shake everything off and start again. Hate being a whiny bitch.

You're not being a whiney bitch.

Is this a dupe? If not welcome to TSR!

Are you getting any help at the moment?

No. I keep intending to see a doctor, but then i'll have a few hours of peace which I always interpret as recovery. I think, 'I'm happy enough now, I can't imagine feeling so low again; I must be getting better.' Then a day later I'm so neurotic and depressed again I can hardly think straight, so I go back on the booze.

I just can't consistently identify with anything or anyone at the moment. I'll find people and hobbies I like, and then immediately discard them as 'not for me' when I'm feeling low. I've basically shunned all my friends as a result of such ridiculous thinking.

x

Who's a retard? Oh yeah, I'm a retard What a saga.

About half an hour after I sent that text I got a reply asking who it was as he didn't have my number in his phone. Cue 'OMFG he's taken me off FB and his phone for no reason...' panicking. Eventually about an hour and a half later I sent him back that it was me and he was like oh, yeah ok then, coffee is good. To which I replied I didn't want him to feel obliged to have to say yes and that if he didn't really want to then it was ok. Which got me a 'uh, why would I not want to?' at which point I tried to backtrack over the last two hours of sarcasm and 'oh you hate me' style texts that I'd sent with (truth) a text saying I'd had a really tough day, was really tired and my brain has gone to paranoid mush. End of it all is we're meeting at *some* point on Saturday afternoon - he's going to let me know when he's free.

Feel even more ******** for that, tbh.

At least it's all sorted now and that sounds liek a very smooth recovery

He ignored it. I don't blame him, I would have too. It was not the smoothest moment of my life... Now I need to think about how to tell him all the things I want to say. I feel like I'm gearing myself up to shoot my favourite puppy in the face. I guess friends with exes just can't work, can it?

Always a good option.

You could try looking up recipes for cool things to cook - the Jamie Oliver site actually has some really nice looking ones



Ok well to me the CBT approach is basically about changing the way you think. The woman I did it with was saying about false and negative thoughts and how the things people think about themselves when depressed aren't true. Not sure if I really explained that well, so an example; I would say "people don't like me" and she would say that that statement is wrong. Then we'd get a bit of paper and I'd write all the evidence for it (very long list), she'd then try to find some evidence against it (I have a couple of people I regard as friends, my mum and siblings don't hate me that's about it). Anyway, the evidence for people disliking me was a hell of a lot longer than the evidence against and some how she decided this proved that that particular thought was wrong.

To me, the statement is not wrong, as it gives the general truth. Like saying "Americans like fast food". Yes not 100% of Americans like fast food but would anyone say that statement is false? A very very large portion of Americans really like fast food so the statement is generally true. If you were setting up a business and wanted to gain the largest possible interest from the market you would set up a fast food business not a posh restaurant. Likewise, if I'm trying to decide why that person just walked away from me mid-conversation the thought "people don't like me" will fit a lot better than "a very tiny minority of people I meet like me therefore that person must just like standing over there".

I'm a realist, I look at facts, I don't see the point in ignoring vast amounts of evidence that agree with something because to me that's basically putting your fingers in your ears and shouting loudly.

Bugger that turned out longer than expected.

I'm alright thanks, still worried horribly about university but meh just trying not to think about it. I appreciate your facebook offer and will give it some thought - it's not that I don't think you're a nice guy, it's that I get kinda paranoid about stuff.

Does anyone here know much about diazepam? I think it's also called valium. It's what I got prescribed today to help with anxiety over college, and I took one pill about two hours ago because I was feeling a little jittery and I had a little homework. It's really simple maths work, stuff I was doing over two years ago and that I'm certain I still know, but I can't concentrate at all. I'm really fidgety, the voices I always hear seem louder and I can't keep still. I tried just watching a film, reading a book, listening to music, but I can't focus on anything whatsoever. I've always had good concentration skills, even at my worst suicidal state I could still sit down and read for at least a couple hours, so this is really freaking me out.

He ignored it. I don't blame him, I would have too. It was not the smoothest moment of my life... Now I need to think about how to tell him all the things I want to say. I feel like I'm gearing myself up to shoot my favourite puppy in the face. I guess friends with exes just can't work, can it?

Does anyone here know much about diazepam? I think it's also called valium. It's what I got prescribed today to help with anxiety over college, and I took one pill about two hours ago because I was feeling a little jittery and I had a little homework. It's really simple maths work, stuff I was doing over two years ago and that I'm certain I still know, but I can't concentrate at all. I'm really fidgety, the voices I always hear seem louder and I can't keep still. I tried just watching a film, reading a book, listening to music, but I can't focus on anything whatsoever. I've always had good concentration skills, even at my worst suicidal state I could still sit down and read for at least a couple hours, so this is really freaking me out.

Ok well to me the CBT approach is basically about changing the way you think. The woman I did it with was saying about false and negative thoughts and how the things people think about themselves when depressed aren't true. Not sure if I really explained that well, so an example; I would say "people don't like me" and she would say that that statement is wrong. Then we'd get a bit of paper and I'd write all the evidence for it (very long list), she'd then try to find some evidence against it (I have a couple of people I regard as friends, my mum and siblings don't hate me that's about it). Anyway, the evidence for people disliking me was a hell of a lot longer than the evidence against and some how she decided this proved that that particular thought was wrong.

To me, the statement is not wrong, as it gives the general truth. Like saying "Americans like fast food". Yes not 100% of Americans like fast food but would anyone say that statement is false? A very very large portion of Americans really like fast food so the statement is generally true. If you were setting up a business and wanted to gain the largest possible interest from the market you would set up a fast food business not a posh restaurant. Likewise, if I'm trying to decide why that person just walked away from me mid-conversation the thought "people don't like me" will fit a lot better than "a very tiny minority of people I meet like me therefore that person must just like standing over there".

I feel like **** too be honest.. found out last week my dad only has 6 months maximum to live and he tried to help me dig some trees up today and he just couldnt do it.. I remember when I was little and he used to do it on his own and I would carry the occasional bucket of dirt and he would make it out as if I had been a real help when frankly I probably made it take longer than if he had done it himself. Just too see the change in him makes me feel crap..

I just wish he would be around to see me do something worthwile with my life.. Im going to try spend more time with him for the time remaining but I just guess I wish I had done this earlier.. instead of sitting up in my room.. He is probably the only reason I havnt let a train roll over my head yet.. I dont want to hurt him.. it scares me to think what I will do when he isnt around anymore.. FFS I need to pull my self together instead of sitting here crying.. I dont normally cry..

Yeah it's valium. And it's known to affect your memory. They give it to people during medical procedures to make them forget the procedure. Not being able to form memories is a side effect. So that would mean poor concentration because you need your short term memory to concentrate.
It's not dangerous to you though.

You could try taking a lower dose, or only take it when you don't really need to concentrate I guess.

Also have you told your doctor about the voices you hear? Cause if you haven't, you really ought to. I don't think you should be taking diazepam if you hear voices.

What dosage do you have? I was on it for a short amount of time and it does impair your processing speed.. to a greater amount at higher dosages..