Why do I bother trying to keep up this charade of being normalish? Not even managing to do a decent job of that. I'm not normal. I'm a freak. A total freak. I want to shave my head, get a load of awesome tattoos and piercings and give people a proper reason to stare at me and talk about me all the time. I've tried to fit in, I've tried so much, changed my clothes, my hair, go to the gym, but nothing works they still do it. ****ers.
Why am I even going back to uni? Nothing's changed, I still won't be able to concentrate, speak in seminars or make friends. I had it all planned out what societies to join and stuff, I've tried to do the reading to prepare for the year and get a bit ahead but it's all totally useless, I'm going to **** up again just like I always do. I'm so ******* worthless.
My dad's had enough, he hasn't spoken to me once all summer, he's ignored my emails and my birthday/father's day cards to him. My mum is trying so hard to hide her disappointment in me but I know she is, I don't know how she can bare to even look at me. I wish I could end it. If I'd done it 3 years ago I wouldn't have met my friend, I wouldn't hurt him, but he tells me not to do it, I don't know why as I bring him so much pain. They're threatening to hurt him if I don't hurt myself. Yet still he tells me not to do it, he doesn't understand at all. Why the hell didn't I do it when I had the perfect chance?
I'm sorry for the rant, I embarrass myself even on the internet.