Being a student with an eating disorder is a ****ing nightmare. To tell you the truth, it is obsessive control over my intake which helped me concentrate on work. Every aspect of my life was controlled perfectly throughout my first years at uni, I would eat at exact times with precise calorie intake and work none stop to a tight schedule. Perfect marks at uni, everything going swimmingly.
It was only in my 2nd year when my weight dropped below around 7.5 stone that I was forced to do something about my eating. I admitted there were aspects of my life I hated, I disliked the constant cold, the inability to leave shops without reading food labels (I remember one time crying in a Morrisons over some pasta I 'couldn't' have... good times) but with hindsight in terms of academic output, I was never better than when I was going through a bad patch. I am currently in a horrible liminal situation of being both unable to control my food/feeling terrible about myself, coupled with an inability/lack of motivation for work. So not only do I feel as if I have lost the one 'thing', a little piece of regularity and control, in my life but I have held onto the residual feelings of self loathing associated with the consumption of food. All i have left is a mountain of work, which I no longer have the motivation to even tackle, and a body which I am even less happy with than when I have been an in patient.
There is also an additional stigma of being a man with a condition traditionally associated with femininity. An additional insult for me was that although these days there seems to be an obsession and glorification with female size zero, if a man is severely underweight it is instantly repulsive. Thus, not only do you struggle to receive any help, but you have the added proverbial kick in the balls of being ugly in the eyes of everyone else, as well as yourself!
Anorexia totally ruined, and still is ruining my life. It's a part of me that will never go, I will never be able to establish a healthy relationship with food. To be honest, it's getting to a stage now where sadness has been overtaken by apathy. Self pity can at least be enjoyable at times, the pleasure you get from listening to sad music etc. but when it's overtaken by pure apathy, that's when you know you're ****ed.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. The worst part perhaps is that one day I know this eating lark will get the better of me. Not only does food govern how I live but ultimately there is a good statistical likelihood it will govern how I die. fun times =/
May I just add, that I am in no way appealing for sympathy nor do I wish to come across as a whiny child. I'm a 23 year old male, and feel I have the emotional maturity to be able to cope without the faux sympathetic advice of strangers (as arrogant as perhaps that sounds). All I would say is that people who glamorise this, or see this lifestyle as something be aspired to, be warned... it completely sucks balls.