i really need to talk to someone cos i can not make any sense of anything, but I can not talk to anyone. im not allowed, its not ok. its really crippling when you literally can't press the call button or send or whatever and cant say anything because every time you try and phrase something you realise that you are taking up someone's time with nastiness. it is worse when you have so much bad stuff but you have no way of expressing it so you just push it in and in and it poisons your insides even more. people tell me all the time to talk to them and although some don't really mean it I know some do, but that just makes it worse. i dont understand why im so ridiculous. i guess at least it is more proof. im failing so bad at everything right maybe i should just skip stuff and do it all wrong. sorry stream of conciousness at least this is a tiny bit of communicating.