It's been a while since I last laughed or smiled, I can't remember what it feels like. Everyday seems to be getting longer and longer and longer. Living on my own having nobody to speak to, nobody to confide in, nobody to help reassure me things will get better is painful, a type of pain that cannot be described.
I don't remember what it's like to have a good nights rest, I go to bed and I lie there tossing and turning for hours, this is repeated day after day. When I finally do sleep due to extreme levels of tiredness (after 3/4 nights of no sleep), I have nightmares of being alone.
It makes me wonder how homeless people, lonely people have the will power to carry on living. It makes me understand why people with depression resort to suicide, how difficult must ones life be so that the concept of living is so much harder than killing themselves.
I step outside and look up at the world. The sky feels like it's falling down on me, walls feel like they are caving in. Whilst I stand here helpless nowhere to go.
This is how my depression feels. I'm a student starting my second year, I live alone which makes things so much more difficult, friends/people I knew that I was once close to have become distant as they live in houses with their friends.
I cry daily, as I don't know what to do? I just want someone to stand by me and tell me its okay and help me seek help but that just seems like a fantasy.
I feel I need help but every time I make a doctors appointment I chicken out just before and either cancel it or just don't bother attending. Every sleepless night I make the promise that I will see a doctor the next day and every morning I break it.
I've been feeling like this for months, attempting to convince myself it's a phase that will pass but it doesn't, and I fear it never will.