Well I feel happier but also sick as a dog. Had about 5 beers tonight in an effort to make myself happier after what has been a horrible day someone said i shouldn't be this worked up over ESA medical and that maybe my meds need adjusting but can't get that done til next Weds. Can't go in docs again tomorrow after just being in today
Who said your meds may need changing? How long have you been n them?
Just cant cope with everything. feel so alone. had counselling today and i feel stupid because i cried about my dad after. want to hide away from everything
thank you
it's okay to cry! did the counselling help at least? you have any family or friends who you get on with who you can talk to? might help with the loneliness!
Ramble So have just seen MH-coordinator, and she was very nice and friendly, but she kept saying about anxiety, which I do have issues with, but since seeing GP and with stuff like the GAD-7 I don't have it that bad I don't think? But anyway - talking about anxiety about failing stopping me from working/furthering that same anxiety/fear.
And then she kinda sums up with "see, you're just a normal stressed student" - and just so confused what that means/I think I know what it means, but I'm just left confused.
And then I asked about medical evidence/she said that if they've prescribed me antidepressants then they'd have a diagnosis of depression for me, but then I didn't think that I did when I looked at the screen of my last appointment last week?
And it just makes sense but also confusing. Like I don't *want* to be a "normal stressed student" because then that means that everything I've been doing wrong and everything with how stupid I've been being is my fault entirely - and I don't want to think that because that feels terrifying
But then it makes sense/if I actually worked hard then I probably wouldn't get so scared about failing/would find it easier to go to lectures and function, but instead I bring this on myself by being lazy and stupid and giving up at almost any opportunity to do work, and jumping on any opportunity not to do work and to procrastinate and to run away from it all.
Just so confused because all you guys are always so kind and nice and lovely and reassuring me that its okay and that I'm ill - but then what if I'm not ill and I'm just failing at all this myself, just because I'm me and I procrastinate.
Sorry for such a massive ramble, just needed to write something down So confusing She said I just need to work hard, though gave some tips/said to have a proper topic objective when I go to revise in the library or whatever, which makes sense. So confused though. Always am so much. Hate it.
I'll stop writing now.
By duck lake now/think I might try revising here actually/making notes from revision guide for exam tomorrow. Think it might be better here than library/no computer to distract as much (still tablet and phone but eh) and just so pleasant outside when it's nice weather!
Funny coot by this bench earlier just eating stuff, then he started diving, and came up and splashed a goose then went to fetch a long stick for his nest or something..!
By duck lake now/think I might try revising here actually/making notes from revision guide for exam tomorrow. Think it might be better here than library/no computer to distract as much (still tablet and phone but eh) and just so pleasant outside when it's nice weather!
Funny coot by this bench earlier just eating stuff, then he started diving, and came up and splashed a goose then went to fetch a long stick for his nest or something..!
I won a prize from my local Games Centre store from a competition they ran online and have to go into the store to pick it up. Only me would be absolutely ill with nerves at the thought of having to go into town and even worse, having to talk to someone and ask for my prize. Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at having to do this but I've been up for ages worrying about it and now my gut is going all dodgy and I feel sick. I hate anxiety
I won a prize from my local Games Centre store from a competition they ran online and have to go into the store to pick it up. Only me would be absolutely ill with nerves at the thought of having to go into town and even worse, having to talk to someone and ask for my prize. Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at having to do this but I've been up for ages worrying about it and now my gut is going all dodgy and I feel sick. I hate anxiety
Well done on competition But that sounds difficult
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Not sure whether to go to group therapy tomorrow. Have an exam at 2/should probably revise for that in the morning/group is 9:30-11, but then don't really want to have to go through another whole week without seeing someone, don't know. Confused Hope everyone's okay
I won a prize from my local Games Centre store from a competition they ran online and have to go into the store to pick it up. Only me would be absolutely ill with nerves at the thought of having to go into town and even worse, having to talk to someone and ask for my prize. Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at having to do this but I've been up for ages worrying about it and now my gut is going all dodgy and I feel sick. I hate anxiety
Well done on competition But that sounds difficult
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Not sure whether to go to group therapy tomorrow. Have an exam at 2/should probably revise for that in the morning/group is 9:30-11, but then don't really want to have to go through another whole week without seeing someone, don't know. Confused Hope everyone's okay
I'm just not cut out for this. Cannot tale anymore.
Here for you senz if you need anything You can get through this Sorry things are so tough at the moment
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Wishing I hadn't told friend about being ill, and being behind/having an extension, now one housemate is acting slightly worried I think/asking me how I am, and other friend was just telling me I need to start revising/actually do some work, which I know I need to do, and I thought when he first started that it might actually be helpful to have someone be like that, because I'm so terrible otherwise, but just makes me want to hide Really tired and just want to hide and rot atm, or just run away somewhere. Don't know what to do/need to revise but tired and dead, and I know I do just need to do it, and I should be able to but erk. Too much stuff going on. Just want to cry
Here for you senz if you need anything You can get through this Sorry things are so tough at the moment
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Wishing I hadn't told friend about being ill, and being behind/having an extension, now one housemate is acting slightly worried I think/asking me how I am, and other friend was just telling me I need to start revising/actually do some work, which I know I need to do, and I thought when he first started that it might actually be helpful to have someone be like that, because I'm so terrible otherwise, but just makes me want to hide Really tired and just want to hide and rot atm, or just run away somewhere. Don't know what to do/need to revise but tired and dead, and I know I do just need to do it, and I should be able to but erk. Too much stuff going on. Just want to cry
Here for you senz if you need anything You can get through this Sorry things are so tough at the moment
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Wishing I hadn't told friend about being ill, and being behind/having an extension, now one housemate is acting slightly worried I think/asking me how I am, and other friend was just telling me I need to start revising/actually do some work, which I know I need to do, and I thought when he first started that it might actually be helpful to have someone be like that, because I'm so terrible otherwise, but just makes me want to hide Really tired and just want to hide and rot atm, or just run away somewhere. Don't know what to do/need to revise but tired and dead, and I know I do just need to do it, and I should be able to but erk. Too much stuff going on. Just want to cry
Here for you senz if you need anything You can get through this Sorry things are so tough at the moment
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Wishing I hadn't told friend about being ill, and being behind/having an extension, now one housemate is acting slightly worried I think/asking me how I am, and other friend was just telling me I need to start revising/actually do some work, which I know I need to do, and I thought when he first started that it might actually be helpful to have someone be like that, because I'm so terrible otherwise, but just makes me want to hide Really tired and just want to hide and rot atm, or just run away somewhere. Don't know what to do/need to revise but tired and dead, and I know I do just need to do it, and I should be able to but erk. Too much stuff going on. Just want to cry
I can't. Look at me, I'm just a pile of turd. All I can feel is a sense of death. Mind's in overdrive.