Excuse me for this but I'm about to depress you all.
I had been debating between law and medicine for about a year. I always wanted to go into law but last year took a keen and profound interest in medicine. It isnt shocking since I have always been an all rounded person - I achieved 12 A*s at GCSE and A*A*A in Chemistry, Maths and History (with an A at AS Level in Geography). I undertook work experience in both, hated my legal work experience (to be fair it was all administrative) and thoroughly enjoyed my hospital work experience. I thought it was fulfilling and I envisioned myself as a doctor.
I never acted upon that instinct. I had an offer for Law from Cambridge and took it. Everyone told me I was crazy to reject it and not even I couldnt find the courage to reject it. It was always my dream but I was not 100% happy. I just thought I would get bored of the reading and writing and tired of a legal profession. I became very pessimistic; I wanted to be a human rights barrister but when uni all became real I realized how ambitious and unlikely that was and that, if I was to enter law, i should enter as someone prepared to work as a solicitor in another specialization (you cant enter a profession and think I will only be happy as X and not anything else).
This decision was eating me alive and eventually I chose the Cambridge offer. I was ecstatic on results day and was so happy about it. But over time in the holidays, when the euphoria was over, I started having breakdowns again. Something was off.
Right now, my course is good and in fact my uni experience is amazing. Nothing is at fault. I have amazing friends and I live somewhere beautiful! It is all positive. Even my course is likeable; im not miserable or upset. Yet, finally, after battling my thoughts, I know the truth: medicine was for me. It really was. The work experience, the excitement the thought of it brought me, the diversity of the degree with the rotations and PBL etc, the prestige of a doctor, the very fact that I enjoyed Chemistry and Maths more than history (by the end of history a level I was sicking of the nature of the study; research, reading and writing. I just wanted to memorize a bunch of stuff!) - all of these were signs that I was too scared to act upon.
I was also scared id never get into medicine since
a. didnt have biology (even thought it wasnt a requirement in many unis)
b. I didnt have enough work experience. I had some volunteering and experience but I heard of medics with like 2 years worth of it and thought I can never compete.
Basically, I never took the shot because I was scared of getting 4 rejections and then regretting turning Cambridge down. That is what held me back.
Now Im doing a course and im devastated. How does someone like me, who works their ass of in education and does their best, end up in a uni doing a course they actually dont want to do? I thought I did everything needed to get to where I want to be. And yet, i know this is really not where I am meant to be.
I know postgrad medicine is an option but it is so competitive. Im left with the thought that because of myself (lack of courage to apply, lack of research), I chucked away a chance to get into med as an undergrad. I cant live off the idea that 'oh maybe i will get in as a postgrad.' I'm heartbroken basically. It feels surreal that Ive done so well and come so far, yet im in a situation like this. It feels surreal that I out of all people ended up like this. I hate to say this, it makes me sound elitist (I'm not! I came from a State school in a disadvantaged area), but many postgrads apply because they miss their grades. I wasnt even in that position. Its just gutting.
Im a first year btw and before people say "oh it gets better", let me remind you that I dont hate or even dislike the course. I just know that this is not what I was made for. It took me a year and for me to go to uni to realise this and now im living in guilt, wishing I could go back in time and pursue what I really truly wanted to. Med schools dont accept dropouts.
I dont know what to do anymore. Im so upset. I just wish I could go back in time. I ruined things for myself and now I have to live with the consequences and its eating me alive.