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GCSE grade for this piece of descriptive writing?

Phantom Phoenix

True, I guess, but I'd rather someone was too hard on me and my work was better as a result than someone was too easy on me, because I wouldn't try as hard to improve it.

Give the same criticism but just in a nicer tone.

E.g1)
God damn it- WTF were you thinking? How could you write something like that? My nephew could scribble something more interesting and hes only 2..

You MUST:

-Change the tone
-Use complex Vocabulary

And one final thing, report your bloody English teacher to the Ofsted.

E.g2)
That was an interesting piece, I especially liked your description of the the vegetable stall. However, if you dont mind me saying, I think there are a few improvements you can make:

-Change the tone
-Use complex Vocabulary

(These are not real improvements..I'm just making up some random ones)
Can you see how I have given the same criticism, but one is much more Kind and Respectful? :smile:

Reply 81

Sifr

14

Phantom Phoenix

Well, of course I can see that, and I always go for the second one. I was assuming that when you described people on TSR as harsh, you were referring to the grades we were suggesting.

I thought B was being Harsh.

I recieved a B once for an English C/W, I had made NO effort whatsoever,
The piece was apalling..Didn't get to the point and wrote absolute c**p..
I was very surprised- since my teacher is a harsh marker..

So I personally don't think the piece deserved a B.

Reply 82

Sifr

14

Phantom Phoenix

I think we're talking at cross purposes. Are you talking about the way in which TSR people put across their opinion, or the actual opinions they gave? If you were talking about the former, then I wouldn't consider myself harsh; if the latter, I gave the piece a high B/low A and said the OP would have an A if he maintained the same standard throughout (in my opinion). I also pointed out in the post that I was being harsh, and I have said that I think being harsh is more beneficial in the long run because the work usually turns out better for it...so I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at?

A bit of both.
But mainly the way people put across an opinion.
I'm sorry, I know I an be ambiguous.

Reply 83

Sifr

14

Phantom Phoenix

Okay

We'll have to agree to disagree on the underestimating grades, since I generally consider it a useful tactic. As for the way of conveying opinions...well, I try to be polite, but not everyone else does.

Reply 84

username130457

OP

2

Hey. I've re-written the opening (again!), can someone please tell me what GCSE coursework grade this will get? :smile:

Reply 85

username130457

OP

2

Phantom Phoenix

I think we're talking at cross purposes. Are you talking about the way in which TSR people put across their opinion, or the actual opinions they gave? If you were talking about the former, then I wouldn't consider myself harsh; if the latter, I gave the piece a high B/low A and said the OP would have an A if he maintained the same standard throughout (in my opinion). I also pointed out in the post that I was being harsh, and I have said that I think being harsh is more beneficial in the long run because the work usually turns out better for it...so I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at?

Hi. Any improvements?

Reply 86

Brince

11

A/A* grade work. I know for a fact becuase mine was much worse compared to this and i still got an A.

Reply 87

brainybabe

Lots of good adjectives, but cut out on metaphors. Too many can confuse the reader.
Be careful not to turn it into a story.

Reply 88

Joe2Jonas

16

This is excellent I mean it. Its way better than a A*. Keep it up.

C-ish

There were some good parts in it that i thought that deserved an A* , yet you must note that this is a DESCRIPTIVE piece. You went a little too far and it slightly starting looking like a narrative. This is too long if you are doing the exam are you sure you are able to write all this in an hour?

Reply 91

Exam_Questions

To be honest, this doesn't show a good understanding of writing a descriptive piece. However, all those people who said "It's too short" ...
Descriptive writing is about quality, you can write pages but the work will deteriorate and be of poor value.

Nonetheless ...
You don't have a sophisticated writing style, "right click, thesaurus" isn't the way to go about writing a piece. Half these words are in the wrong context, sentences do not make sense, and it is a tedious and lacklustre thing to read.

Keep trying !!!!

Reply 92

crashMATHS

16

My sister is an examiner for aqa and she told me that she would give this a band 4 (which is equivalent to a grade B)

She said that the vocabulary and use of vocabulary is ranged; so this shows that you have a good grasp on vocab. However you need to make sure that you do not go over the top with vocabulary as this may affect your grade as it makes it unpleasant to read.

Moving on to grammar. From what I have read I can see that your grammar sucks in places which will definitely affect your grade. You cannot get pass a grade C or B if you have bad grammar. The tense your writting in changes throughout the text and makes it confusing. It looks as if this is not deliberately done as it does not put any effect on the reader. You add words like "had" when it is not necessary which changes the tense the sentence is in.

There are still some other errors but they are not nessesary and will not affect your grade as much as the ones I stated earlier. So remember use sophistcated vocab but not too much of it and check your grammar. Just keep practicing and getting feedback it is the only way you can improve.

Reply 93

Avor

2

OK, unfortunately, you tried far too hard here.
Sentences are attempted at being effective, but instead are simply overcomplicated.
Some slips in grammar and punctuation here and there.
Clear use of thesaurus, but your choices of words are often very inappropriate; there's also some incorrect uses. Some promising ideas, but lack of flair or natural ability. You can sort out this easily though, just use descriptions where they're needed.

As I've read many people's work who've tried significantly less than this have got A, I'm sure you'd be able to: just try in areas where it'll actually be effective on the reader, as in, their emotions, play with humour.

Ok for marks, if 90% = A*, 80% A, 70% B, 60% C, 50% D.
Examiner would justifiably award this in the range of 62-72 out of 100.
I would give it 64 (c)

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 94

htwohih

I would grade at a C standard. I am an English teacher in a secondary school. You have used imagery and adjectives well. Just remember that you can only put a semi-colon into a sentence if both parts of the sentence make sense. For example, I ate a kit kat ; it was not very nice. That is a good sentence to use a semi-colon in because both sides of the semi-colon make sense. Also, you need to make sure your sentence structure is correct, read each paragraph back to yourself and ensure it makes sense!

GCSE grade for this piece of descriptive writing?

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