Grade 9 English GCSE Creative Writing 40 Mark Example

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LexiKristen
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This is a slightly earlier draft of a piece I wrote both prior to my exam and in the exam (though reworded to fit the new prompt), the final draft that was revised off this graded 40/40 marks. I believe a significant addition I added to the final draft was a humourous plot twist at the end - the crazy lady subject was actually the church reverend. Hopefully this is useful for someone to understand the length/expectation of this big part of the exam, seeing an example from a student who achieved two grade 9’s in English.

Write about a frightening place. Your response could be real or imagined.

The blurring dazzle of red and white lights distorting my vision; the screeching sound of wheels tearing up layers of tarmac as they move from left to right on the road; the putrid stench of bile rising from my throat: Sunday morning. Our fingers, bruised and red, prying onto the handles swinging either side from the ceiling as the crazed woman in the front throws her prized mini into the sixth gear, tearing through the orderly traffic in her usual disorderly fashion whilst we give apologetic looks to those we force off the road.

Every Sunday; our covers thrown back, a dishevelled lettuce sandwich placed just off-centre on a china plate in front of us, a neatly ironed collar smoothed down, the hasty bundling of Adam and I into the back seat of the mini, followed by the perilous journey to church. This particular morning, after being dragged from my beloved bed, force-fed a revolting lettuce sandwich, and had my collar smoothed several hundred times by four different aunts and uncles, her driving is seemingly worse than ever. We’ve only passed the second junction and already several honking horns and bickering figures are shouting into our red-faced grandmother’s half-open window, no dismay reflecting in her red-rimmed frames as she rolls up the window and overtakes whoever is unfortunately in her line of vision at some ungodly speed. We’ve gotten used to her deranged driving by now; Adam and I often hold one of those reusable Tesco bags out for one another to lurch into; as gross as it seems, we have learnt to think practically rather than self consciously.

With the sign for our junction beginning to appear on the roadside, I lean forward and brace myself against the empty seat in front, the car jerking suddenly to the left across several lanes of traffic until she forces us in front of other patiently waiting drivers onto the slip road. I suck in a sharp intake of breath as she turns around and throws me back into my seat with one hand and glares, her other blindly turning the wheel the wrong way around the roundabout. My eyes widen as I point my shaking fingers at the oncoming drivers swerving frantically in all directions - but she smiles and calmly rectifies her mistake and pulls off into the third exit, swinging the car into the church carpark.

Tilting my spinning head back against the headrest, I attempt to slow my breathing having finally reached the journey's end. Without much thought, one of my shaking hands seems to reach out to open the car door, my other hurriedly pulling at the seatbelt to escape the cage I've been trapped in throughout this weekly frightening ordeal.
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sahmad35
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i heard starting the sentence with 3 abstract nouns will impress the examiner
can u give me a sentence starters please
(Original post by LexiKristen)
This is a slightly earlier draft of a piece I wrote both prior to my exam and in the exam (though reworded to fit the new prompt), the final draft that was revised off this graded 40/40 marks. I believe a significant addition I added to the final draft was a humourous plot twist at the end - the crazy lady subject was actually the church reverend. Hopefully this is useful for someone to understand the length/expectation of this big part of the exam, seeing an example from a student who achieved two grade 9’s in English.

Write about a frightening place. Your response could be real or imagined.

The blurring dazzle of red and white lights distorting my vision; the screeching sound of wheels tearing up layers of tarmac as they move from left to right on the road; the putrid stench of bile rising from my throat: Sunday morning. Our fingers, bruised and red, prying onto the handles swinging either side from the ceiling as the crazed woman in the front throws her prized mini into the sixth gear, tearing through the orderly traffic in her usual disorderly fashion whilst we give apologetic looks to those we force off the road.

Every Sunday; our covers thrown back, a dishevelled lettuce sandwich placed just off-centre on a china plate in front of us, a neatly ironed collar smoothed down, the hasty bundling of Adam and I into the back seat of the mini, followed by the perilous journey to church. This particular morning, after being dragged from my beloved bed, force-fed a revolting lettuce sandwich, and had my collar smoothed several hundred times by four different aunts and uncles, her driving is seemingly worse than ever. We’ve only passed the second junction and already several honking horns and bickering figures are shouting into our red-faced grandmother’s half-open window, no dismay reflecting in her red-rimmed frames as she rolls up the window and overtakes whoever is unfortunately in her line of vision at some ungodly speed. We’ve gotten used to her deranged driving by now; Adam and I often hold one of those reusable Tesco bags out for one another to lurch into; as gross as it seems, we have learnt to think practically rather than self consciously.

With the sign for our junction beginning to appear on the roadside, I lean forward and brace myself against the empty seat in front, the car jerking suddenly to the left across several lanes of traffic until she forces us in front of other patiently waiting drivers onto the slip road. I suck in a sharp intake of breath as she turns around and throws me back into my seat with one hand and glares, her other blindly turning the wheel the wrong way around the roundabout. My eyes widen as I point my shaking fingers at the oncoming drivers swerving frantically in all directions - but she smiles and calmly rectifies her mistake and pulls off into the third exit, swinging the car into the church carpark.

Tilting my spinning head back against the headrest, I attempt to slow my breathing having finally reached the journey's end. Without much thought, one of my shaking hands seems to reach out to open the car door, my other hurriedly pulling at the seatbelt to escape the cage I've been trapped in throughout this weekly frightening ordeal.
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Davy611
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Yes, that's very good. Well done. It's also not massively intimidating. Reminder to others reading this thread, 40/40 isn't professional writing; it's the best that can reasonably be expected from a GCSE student.

I'd lose the 'gotten' and change the semi colon after 'Every Sunday' to a colon
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Ðeggs
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Anyone can get full marks in the creative writing can’t they? Easy peasy
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Mubarkdu
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What if i copy this in my actual exam....is there any chance that i could get caught????
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username5009998
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how do you write like this?!!! did your teachers give you any advice?
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Tolgash
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(Original post by username5009998)
how do you write like this?!!! did your teachers give you any advice?
Writing at this level is usually learnt over time.
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Hera nadeem
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How many marks would I get for this is not finish can someone plz check it ,

“Why is it so dark,hello”?,”is any body here”?,my throat was soaking I needed water desperately,”how did I get here”?,tik tok ,tik tok ,I start hearing the clock sound getting louder and louder .mary ,Mary ,someone was calling me that got my heart raise fast as it never did before,Mary get up it was my mom calling me .was it a dream ?,thank god ,dear morning dreams are not to be ignored they always turn real sometimes,she smiled while saying it . i gnored her as it was nothing .

Guys I’ve been having bad dreams lately?,saris was different as she came her hands were in a really horrific state as if someone has been stabbing her hand ,we didn’t ask her about it and that was the biggest mistake I did and so did my friend ,it was a mistake reading that book said saris you all are going to regreat I am telling you ,she was shaking ,her whole body was ,what’s wrong with her?said Emily , Ellie have you been having scary dreams?asked Emily as my legs were starting to shake ?no? While my voice was shaking .it was all because of the book we found on the hounted house,it’s been two weeks and had the same dream .2 days later saris goes missing
Last edited by Hera nadeem; 1 year ago
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Sha.xo527
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(Original post by Hera nadeem)
How many marks would I get for this is not finish can someone plz check it ,

“Why is it so dark,hello”?,”is any body here”?,my throat was soaking I needed water desperately,”how did I get here”?,tik tok ,tik tok ,I start hearing the clock sound getting louder and louder .mary ,Mary ,someone was calling me that got my heart raise fast as it never did before,Mary get up it was my mom calling me .was it a dream ?,thank god ,dear morning dreams are not to be ignored they always turn real sometimes,she smiled while saying it . i gnored her as it was nothing .

Guys I’ve been having bad dreams lately?,saris was different as she came her hands were in a really horrific state as if someone has been stabbing her hand ,we didn’t ask her about it and that was the biggest mistake I did and so did my friend ,it was a mistake reading that book said saris you all are going to regreat I am telling you ,she was shaking ,her whole body was ,what’s wrong with her?said Emily , Ellie have you been having scary dreams?asked Emily as my legs were starting to shake ?no? While my voice was shaking .it was all because of the book we found on the hounted house,it’s been two weeks and had the same dream .2 days later saris goes missing
I'm not an English teacher so I can't give you the exact mark but... Well I don't wish to discourage you, but If I'm really honest, you'd get low marks for it, in other words, it's really bad. But hey, there's always room for improvement. You need a ton, but anyone can achieve high grades!
Sorry if I'm being too straight forward, and sorry if it seems rude. But, I'm always direct with people when dealing with these topics as I wish them to do well Please don't take this offensively xx By the time your exams come I'm sure you'll rock them!

1. There is too much dialogue. Moreover, the consequences of too much dialogue lead to slow writing, getting the reader bored, etc.
2. Show, not tell. Also, it looks as if it's a summarisation instead of a story. You can see this with "Two days later Sari goes missing". It's in the same paragraph, it's really quick without much detail, etc.
3. There are not many literary devices.
4. You need to focus on punctuation and grammar, it destroys the clarity of your sentences.
5. Use fancy words. Especially the ones that fit a pattern or emotion.
6. The "Guys Iv'e been having bad dreams lately?" sounds informal and unsophisticated. I'm not sure if you're telling this to the reader or the friends on your story.
7. There are too many people. For a short story, you shouldn't bombard the reader with tons of people. I'd recommend maximum 3.

I'd recommend watching Mr. Salles' videos on creative writing. I was a grade 6 and now I'm an 8/9.

Wish you luck! Remember there's always room for improvement.
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sarabadri
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i just saw this thank you so much for this honest opinion you just gave me the motivation to learn even further
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karmA19K
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please can you check this it is my exam assessment

Sharply, the wind gushes through the sinful supernatural cracks in the rusted bricks slithers through the room screaming with rage and savage fury as it goes up my slim rough fingers? It gave me the nervous chills. The cold turns into a pin pricking attack I nervously held my dying breath and gently close my dull eyes desperately wanting all the odd things in the disordered room to miraculously disappear. [the antique woodlice chair, the old bar that stood in honour at the middle of the house gazing at the other furniture waiting for an unhappening rescue, the paintings with dark gold flakes left frame that hung dead in the blood-red wallpaper] A soothing whisper, that slowed my heart rate to the lowest, instantly covered the unbearable screeches and waffles out in a minor child’s raw voice your wish is my command…A beautiful natural world was in front of my widely opened eyes as frightened birds with an uncountable number of colour zoom like planes across the cerulean blue sky as one of the boulders collapses on to the azure blue river. Refreshed by the tranquil river I stroll into what formed like a bridge formed naturally by avocado green moss and hoary grey stone, It was a beam bridge but it naturally had a slight wave. Gently, the luscious, lincoln and large green trees were dancing merrily and swaying unsteadily in the distance. I sighed impatiently in ultimate happiness. As the sweet giggling of the children playing a few yards away were soothing my ears, I blinked. The sweet aroma of the lavender sways around about a mile around the odd patch like a bomb. Walking past a lacy and soft palm tree, its lime green leaves softly crested my bruised body. Tasting the bitter brown berries exploded in my filthy mouth. A fresh breeze blows furiously my damp shaggy hair away from my sensitive face and leaves me with a clear view of the emerald moss and Cambridge River. Slowly, the hard prickly boat crept into the unimagined part of nature, the mouth-watering mangos hung in a distance, grabbing a few and went on. Dancing, the trees blocked the golden late-day sunlight out of my face allowing me to correctly see without frowning my bushy eyebrows or squinting as light hurt my sore eyes. I smile gently. Calmly the azure-blue salty water washes my wounded feet feeling a nasty pain, jerking my sore foot of the polluted water and into the cold soothing and wet mud. It felt like heaven. The golden shiny rock in the burning sky was sliding down into the steep clean shirt white mountain. A distinct smell of the petrichor brutally stabs my sensitive nose as I sit uncomfortably on the freshly rained ground as I sit down to ordinarily have my delicious mangos. My sandy hand dragged along azure-blue beach bank. I started to hear a continuous blur as I got closer and closer out of the wood I heard a distinct church bell sounds but when I came out of the woods there was curiously no bell tower but just grass and open land and a few cattle, now the familiar bells were so loud that I couldn’t hear my shallow breath. As it got even louder, the church bells started to hurt me. Terribly shaking my self-awake to scarcely realise that I was in the abandoned house again sitting on the antique woodlice chair with drool all over my anxious face. Jerking up and the wooden floor beneath my naked feet creeks in pain and falling back onto the antique woodlice chair merely looking at my hands with mango pulp on them.
can you please check this
Last edited by karmA19K; 10 months ago
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Sha.xo527
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(Original post by karmA19K)
please can you check this it is my exam assessment

Sharply, the wind gushes through the sinful supernatural cracks in the rusted bricks slithers through the room screaming with rage and savage fury as it goes up my slim rough fingers? It gave me the nervous chills. The cold turns into a pin pricking attack I nervously held my dying breath and gently close my dull eyes desperately wanting all the odd things in the disordered room to miraculously disappear. [the antique woodlice chair, the old bar that stood in honour at the middle of the house gazing at the other furniture waiting for an unhappening rescue, the paintings with dark gold flakes left frame that hung dead in the blood-red wallpaper] A soothing whisper, that slowed my heart rate to the lowest, instantly covered the unbearable screeches and waffles out in a minor child’s raw voice your wish is my command…A beautiful natural world was in front of my widely opened eyes as frightened birds with an uncountable number of colour zoom like planes across the cerulean blue sky as one of the boulders collapses on to the azure blue river. Refreshed by the tranquil river I stroll into what formed like a bridge formed naturally by avocado green moss and hoary grey stone, It was a beam bridge but it naturally had a slight wave. Gently, the luscious, lincoln and large green trees were dancing merrily and swaying unsteadily in the distance. I sighed impatiently in ultimate happiness. As the sweet giggling of the children playing a few yards away were soothing my ears, I blinked. The sweet aroma of the lavender sways around about a mile around the odd patch like a bomb. Walking past a lacy and soft palm tree, its lime green leaves softly crested my bruised body. Tasting the bitter brown berries exploded in my filthy mouth. A fresh breeze blows furiously my damp shaggy hair away from my sensitive face and leaves me with a clear view of the emerald moss and Cambridge River. Slowly, the hard prickly boat crept into the unimagined part of nature, the mouth-watering mangos hung in a distance, grabbing a few and went on. Dancing, the trees blocked the golden late-day sunlight out of my face allowing me to correctly see without frowning my bushy eyebrows or squinting as light hurt my sore eyes. I smile gently. Calmly the azure-blue salty water washes my wounded feet feeling a nasty pain, jerking my sore foot of the polluted water and into the cold soothing and wet mud. It felt like heaven. The golden shiny rock in the burning sky was sliding down into the steep clean shirt white mountain. A distinct smell of the petrichor brutally stabs my sensitive nose as I sit uncomfortably on the freshly rained ground as I sit down to ordinarily have my delicious mangos. My sandy hand dragged along azure-blue beach bank. I started to hear a continuous blur as I got closer and closer out of the wood I heard a distinct church bell sounds but when I came out of the woods there was curiously no bell tower but just grass and open land and a few cattle, now the familiar bells were so loud that I couldn’t hear my shallow breath. As it got even louder, the church bells started to hurt me. Terribly shaking my self-awake to scarcely realise that I was in the abandoned house again sitting on the antique woodlice chair with drool all over my anxious face. Jerking up and the wooden floor beneath my naked feet creeks in pain and falling back onto the antique woodlice chair merely looking at my hands with mango pulp on them.
can you please check this
1. There is no structure
2. It's too detailed with too many fancy words
3. Links to 2- it'll get the examiner bored and that's REALLY dangerous state for the examiner to be in because he'll just give you a low grade. I'm going to be honest, he's marking so many more papers (or she). He'll probably whizz through your paper with not much thought and perhaps miss small parts purposefully.
4. Focus more on literary devices- symbolism, contrast, metaphors, etc rather than endless description. I've also noticed that you add too many senses. Add maximum 2 senses or it can easily get confusing. 3 if you're using synaesthesia (another literary device). But of course, don't use it for no reason. Every literary device has to serve a purpose. E.g. you'll get no marks if you add a metaphor just for the sake of adding one.
5. Use specific verbs. What do i mean by this? Verbs are the engine that power your writing (see my use of metaphor and the verb ''power''?) It's such a small sentence yet so specific. Now compare it to ''Surely, verbs make your writing and visibly give your marks'' See the difference? The first one good, second one bad.
6. Stop using adverbs. Unless your goal is to slow down the tone of your writing because of whatever is going on in the story (which will give you marks if used effectively), adverbs just aren't needed. You're much better off with a verbs that craft your writing (see what i did there?)
7. Also, significantly chop off your adjectives. It's bad to overdo them.
8. There is no event. I know it's descriptive but the examiner doesn't want you to e.g. describe the trees and the lake. He wants to see what happens next. There has to be some form of event. For example, say you're describing the people in an airport oblivious from mother nature, at the end your event could be that the weather turns bad and people want the sun back. You can have actions too (e.g. you ran, and saw a bird fly, you fell, and that bird fell), but they all must take place at the same time in the span of 30 seconds. You don't want to risk it becoming a story.

I can see major potential! Please check out Mr Salles's channel and his creative writing videos! Good luck xx
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sxb_axi
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It isn't so easy. The examiner has many things to see if you have objectified what it says.
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HaveAniceDay_123
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Can you please do my a favour and write about a secret story is a 40/40 creative writing it will mean so much if you did it
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tinygirl96
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No but I can give you advice
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HaveAniceDay_123
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(Original post by tinygirl96)
No but I can give you advice
Sorry I wasn’t actually talking to you I was talking to lexi kristen
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kelvin gg
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(Original post by Mubarkdu)
What if i copy this in my actual exam....is there any chance that i could get caught????
Don't think so...
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abdi abdi
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(Original post by Mubarkdu)
What if i copy this in my actual exam....is there any chance that i could get caught????
looooool
u probably won't get caught if u change it a bit
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LexKristy
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(Original post by HaveAniceDay_123)
Can you please do my a favour and write about a secret story is a 40/40 creative writing it will mean so much if you did it
I’m not going to write you an answer, no. Write something up, and I’ll give feedback
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thatoneidiot98
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damn sis 😂😂😂
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