Was I raped or was it my fault?
Can I just start by saying this is very difficult for me to put down into words, so please if anyone has any comments please don't be nasty as this is already difficult enough for me to deal with
Just recently my female cousin came over to visit me and we went on a night out. I asked my boyfriend to come as we going to meet friends out but he had been out the night before and didn't feel well so he decided to stay at home.
Near the very end of the night when I came back from the bar my cousin was talking to a couple of guys. One of them started chatting to me joking on, I happened to drop the boyfriend card in quite early in the conversation just so he got the idea and he seemed reasonably friendly still. Next thing I know my cousin has started walking off out the front with this lad, so I finish the last bit of my drink and follow, with his mate following behind. When I get outside the club she is already waiting in a taxi with this guy, telling me she wants to go back to their house for a party. I was drunk and was quite ready for bed at this point as it was about 3am. I thought it would be a bad idea but my cousin wouldn't get out and persisted and I didn't want to be a spoil sport as this was her first time in my city (moved here for uni) so I eventually caved. I should probably mention at this point my cousin also has a long term boyfriend and I didn't have any reason to believe she would want to go back their for any reason other than for a party as she said.
It turned out when we got there it was a really dodgy area in the outskirts of the city centre and there was no one else there when we got back. I realise how naive it was for us to believe them however I didn't want to leave my cousin. It all becomes very hazy from here on. I don't think I realised until the fresh air how drunk I was. When we got back we were told that people would be coming later, I now realise this was obvious absolute bull****. The guys kept us a part in separate rooms. I remember looking for my cousin and he would pull me back when and start to walk into the other room. He then started trying to kiss me over and over. He was quite forceful and although I was very drunk I remember saying repeatedly that he should stop as I have a boyfriend and I didn't do that. He wasn't taking me seriously and when I turned my head away he would try and kiss my neck. I became scared but I was drunk so not thinking property, I remember then getting up and walking outside and sitting in the cold alone. I didn't know were I was and I tried to ring a taxi over and over but as I didn't know the address I don't think I was making sense on the phone. He eventually told me to come back inside and book a taxi home in the warm (it really was freezing). He wouldn't give me the address and started saying he needed to ask his friend. Through all this my cousin was no were to be seen. When I tried to look he would find excuses to keep me there. I wanted to leave, I remember being so confused and hating it in there (all the time while all this was going on he remained friendly, jokey laughing and never raised his voice, this confused me as I was scared at what was going on but he didn't look like someone who was out to harm me.) He started to become more forceful again, he dragged me into a bedroom and started trying to get into my underwear again. I'm ashamed to say for a short time I let him touch me and kiss me, I remember repeating all along no I didn't want this. But he didn't stop. I wish I had just forced my cousin to leave, I wish I had screamed and ran out but I was in a very dodgy area far from anywhere I knew, it was cold and i didn't know where to go. Eventually when he tried to actually have sex with me I came to my senses, pushed him away and ran outside. I sat on the step and remember telling him I wanted to be outside because I didn't like it in there. I wasn't smiling or laughing. I don't know why I didn't scream, but I know I knew I didn't like it in there or what was going on. I wanted so badly to be away.
Eventually he rang me a taxi as said I wouldn't go back inside unless he booked one and they let us leave. I don't remember the journey. I don't remember getting into bed. When I woke up the next day and remembered what had happened I felt so sick. I feel completely taken advantage of. I feel dirty. I feel like I was raped as although I let it happen, I made it very clear I didn't want it to. I love my boyfriend so much and I cannot believe how ****ing stupid I was by going back there, how could I have let that happen.
I told my boyfriend everything the next day. I would never keep something like this from him. I have never cheated. But what I have done, I am so guilt stricken. He is very upset and angry about it but he trusts that it happened as I said as we have been together for 3 years and I have never done anything to make him distrust me. He has suggested going to the police but I feel as I was intoxicated I deserved for something bad to happen and it would never stand up in court. I don't know what I'm asking for, I want to know what guys would think if their girlfriend told them something like this? Was I raped? Have I cheated? I hate myself. I don't know how to cope, I feel so dirty. And I know it is my fault for drinking to much and for not stopping it. I should have never went, I should have screamed.
Please honest opinions as both myself and my boyfriend are devastated and I need to know what I should do.
Just recently my female cousin came over to visit me and we went on a night out. I asked my boyfriend to come as we going to meet friends out but he had been out the night before and didn't feel well so he decided to stay at home.
Near the very end of the night when I came back from the bar my cousin was talking to a couple of guys. One of them started chatting to me joking on, I happened to drop the boyfriend card in quite early in the conversation just so he got the idea and he seemed reasonably friendly still. Next thing I know my cousin has started walking off out the front with this lad, so I finish the last bit of my drink and follow, with his mate following behind. When I get outside the club she is already waiting in a taxi with this guy, telling me she wants to go back to their house for a party. I was drunk and was quite ready for bed at this point as it was about 3am. I thought it would be a bad idea but my cousin wouldn't get out and persisted and I didn't want to be a spoil sport as this was her first time in my city (moved here for uni) so I eventually caved. I should probably mention at this point my cousin also has a long term boyfriend and I didn't have any reason to believe she would want to go back their for any reason other than for a party as she said.
It turned out when we got there it was a really dodgy area in the outskirts of the city centre and there was no one else there when we got back. I realise how naive it was for us to believe them however I didn't want to leave my cousin. It all becomes very hazy from here on. I don't think I realised until the fresh air how drunk I was. When we got back we were told that people would be coming later, I now realise this was obvious absolute bull****. The guys kept us a part in separate rooms. I remember looking for my cousin and he would pull me back when and start to walk into the other room. He then started trying to kiss me over and over. He was quite forceful and although I was very drunk I remember saying repeatedly that he should stop as I have a boyfriend and I didn't do that. He wasn't taking me seriously and when I turned my head away he would try and kiss my neck. I became scared but I was drunk so not thinking property, I remember then getting up and walking outside and sitting in the cold alone. I didn't know were I was and I tried to ring a taxi over and over but as I didn't know the address I don't think I was making sense on the phone. He eventually told me to come back inside and book a taxi home in the warm (it really was freezing). He wouldn't give me the address and started saying he needed to ask his friend. Through all this my cousin was no were to be seen. When I tried to look he would find excuses to keep me there. I wanted to leave, I remember being so confused and hating it in there (all the time while all this was going on he remained friendly, jokey laughing and never raised his voice, this confused me as I was scared at what was going on but he didn't look like someone who was out to harm me.) He started to become more forceful again, he dragged me into a bedroom and started trying to get into my underwear again. I'm ashamed to say for a short time I let him touch me and kiss me, I remember repeating all along no I didn't want this. But he didn't stop. I wish I had just forced my cousin to leave, I wish I had screamed and ran out but I was in a very dodgy area far from anywhere I knew, it was cold and i didn't know where to go. Eventually when he tried to actually have sex with me I came to my senses, pushed him away and ran outside. I sat on the step and remember telling him I wanted to be outside because I didn't like it in there. I wasn't smiling or laughing. I don't know why I didn't scream, but I know I knew I didn't like it in there or what was going on. I wanted so badly to be away.
Eventually he rang me a taxi as said I wouldn't go back inside unless he booked one and they let us leave. I don't remember the journey. I don't remember getting into bed. When I woke up the next day and remembered what had happened I felt so sick. I feel completely taken advantage of. I feel dirty. I feel like I was raped as although I let it happen, I made it very clear I didn't want it to. I love my boyfriend so much and I cannot believe how ****ing stupid I was by going back there, how could I have let that happen.
I told my boyfriend everything the next day. I would never keep something like this from him. I have never cheated. But what I have done, I am so guilt stricken. He is very upset and angry about it but he trusts that it happened as I said as we have been together for 3 years and I have never done anything to make him distrust me. He has suggested going to the police but I feel as I was intoxicated I deserved for something bad to happen and it would never stand up in court. I don't know what I'm asking for, I want to know what guys would think if their girlfriend told them something like this? Was I raped? Have I cheated? I hate myself. I don't know how to cope, I feel so dirty. And I know it is my fault for drinking to much and for not stopping it. I should have never went, I should have screamed.
Please honest opinions as both myself and my boyfriend are devastated and I need to know what I should do.
You should really stop blaming yourself for what happened. Just because you got drunk doesnt mean you are at fault in any way for what that guy did to you. However, I'm not sure what can be done seeing as this guy didnt actual rape you, it sounds more like sexual assault and it might just come down to your word against his if it even gets that far.
It was a bad call to put yourself in that position; your gut reaction proved correct.
It was a bad call to put yourself in that position; your gut reaction proved correct.
(edited 12 years ago)
As you say, you were very drunk and so I'm not sure if your claim of rape would stand up too well here, especially as you didn't physically have sex and there wouldnt be any evidence in the way of fluids etc. I'm not implying it's your fault, just thinking of how it will appear to other people and the authorities. You have every right to report this but I'm not sure how far you'll get.
However, you were taken advantage of. I'd say just try and take this away as a lesson: don't get so wasted and don't get into cars/go home with strange guys. Also your cousin sounds like an idiot for insisting on going with these men. Where was she while all this was happening to you?
However, you were taken advantage of. I'd say just try and take this away as a lesson: don't get so wasted and don't get into cars/go home with strange guys. Also your cousin sounds like an idiot for insisting on going with these men. Where was she while all this was happening to you?
(edited 12 years ago)
I'm so so sorry to hear this, that was painful enough to read, let alone for you to have gone through.
I'm not sure if I'm understanding correctly but it sounds like you didn't actually have sex (not that that makes it any better for you, mind!). You and your cousin may have been naive going back with them but what they did was completely out of order and totally taking advantage of your drunkenness. What happened to your cousin? If she has a long-term boyfriend was she there willingly?
With sober hindsight it is easy to say that you shouldn't have got in the cab, shouldn't have trusted them, should have screamed or whatever but you weren't sober and you had no idea what was going on. I think many people if they had ended up in that situation would have done the same.
You did what you could, you made it clear you had a boyfriend, you didn't want anything to happen, pushed him away, said no, tried to leave. It was abundantly clear you didn't want to be there and there wasn't much else you could have done.
It was really brave of you to tell your boyfriend and its also understandable that he's rather upset (If you imagine it from his perspective, I'm sure he trusts what you have said but it can't be easy hearing that from someone you love).
Please don't keep blaming yourself, you did what you could with the situation you found yourself in and it was downright viscuous and calculating for the two men to plan and do that to you. Both of you, your cousin included.
I'm not sure if I'm understanding correctly but it sounds like you didn't actually have sex (not that that makes it any better for you, mind!). You and your cousin may have been naive going back with them but what they did was completely out of order and totally taking advantage of your drunkenness. What happened to your cousin? If she has a long-term boyfriend was she there willingly?
With sober hindsight it is easy to say that you shouldn't have got in the cab, shouldn't have trusted them, should have screamed or whatever but you weren't sober and you had no idea what was going on. I think many people if they had ended up in that situation would have done the same.
You did what you could, you made it clear you had a boyfriend, you didn't want anything to happen, pushed him away, said no, tried to leave. It was abundantly clear you didn't want to be there and there wasn't much else you could have done.
It was really brave of you to tell your boyfriend and its also understandable that he's rather upset (If you imagine it from his perspective, I'm sure he trusts what you have said but it can't be easy hearing that from someone you love).
Please don't keep blaming yourself, you did what you could with the situation you found yourself in and it was downright viscuous and calculating for the two men to plan and do that to you. Both of you, your cousin included.
Original post by sophisticated
As you say, you were very drunk and so I'm not sure if your claim of rape would stand up too well here, especially as you didn't physically have sex and there wouldnt be any evidence in the way of fluids etc.
However, you were taken advantage of. I'd say just try and take this away as a lesson: don't get so wasted and don't get into cars/go home with strange guys. Also your cousin sounds like an idiot for insisting on going with these men. Where was she while all this was happening to you?
However, you were taken advantage of. I'd say just try and take this away as a lesson: don't get so wasted and don't get into cars/go home with strange guys. Also your cousin sounds like an idiot for insisting on going with these men. Where was she while all this was happening to you?
He tried to have sex, I think he actually forced himself inside me and I managed to push him off and went outside and wouldn't go back in.
She says she was just drinking in the other room with this guy but nothing happened. I'm not sure if I believe her, I don't know what to think. We aren't overly close and as I said if it hadn't been family and the fact she was over staying with me, I would never have even got into the taxi in the first place.
I appreciate everyone's advice. And I totally accept the blame for putting myself in that position, I'm sure if it was someone asking me for advice I would be saying the same.
Well you said you let it happen for a short period of time, but besides that, he didnt rape you. He took advantage of you, but he never raped you. You ran out before any intercourse had taken place, so no rape took place.
Go to the police still, im no lawyer but im sure theres some sort of charge for what he actually did. Just not rape.
Go to the police still, im no lawyer but im sure theres some sort of charge for what he actually did. Just not rape.
Original post by Anonymous
He tried to have sex, I think he actually forced himself inside me and I managed to push him off and went outside and wouldn't go back in.
She says she was just drinking in the other room with this guy but nothing happened. I'm not sure if I believe her, I don't know what to think. We aren't overly close and as I said if it hadn't been family and the fact she was over staying with me, I would never have even got into the taxi in the first place.
I appreciate everyone's advice. And I totally accept the blame for putting myself in that position, I'm sure if it was someone asking me for advice I would be saying the same.
She says she was just drinking in the other room with this guy but nothing happened. I'm not sure if I believe her, I don't know what to think. We aren't overly close and as I said if it hadn't been family and the fact she was over staying with me, I would never have even got into the taxi in the first place.
I appreciate everyone's advice. And I totally accept the blame for putting myself in that position, I'm sure if it was someone asking me for advice I would be saying the same.
Like I said (I edited my post above after you hit "quote") you're perfectly entitled to report this to the police, however it may well kick off a long painful process with a disappointing result.
If I was in your shoes, I think I would rather chalk this up to experience and move on and try to forget it. By your own admission, you and your cousin acted out of character and made some unwise choices because you were drunk, and so should be careful not to repeat the same mistake.
As a side note, you should get tested for STDs/STIs if you believe he forced himself inside you.
Original post by 0Muzzles0
There's no other way about it, you cheated on your boyfriend. However given the circumstances, you shouldn't feel too guilty since the guy wouldn't leave you alone and you were wasted.
If I was your boyfriend, I would be so enraged and upset, but I don't think you were in the wrong here at all. Your boyfriend's acted admirably by sticking with you through it, I don't know if I would be able to bear that sort of pain.
If I was your boyfriend, I would be so enraged and upset, but I don't think you were in the wrong here at all. Your boyfriend's acted admirably by sticking with you through it, I don't know if I would be able to bear that sort of pain.
What the hell? It's clear that the OP was sexually assaulted, if not raped, and you're accusing her of cheating on her boyfriend and expressing more sympathy for him than for her. The OP made it abundantly clear that she did not want to have sex with this guy, both verbally and non-verbally, but he continued to take advantage of her. Are you saying that, had it been your girlfriend, you would have dumped her for going through such a distressing ordeal?
Original post by whatsername2009
What the hell? It's clear that the OP was sexually assaulted, if not raped, and you're accusing her of cheating on her boyfriend and expressing more sympathy for him than for her. The OP made it abundantly clear that she did not want to have sex with this guy, both verbally and non-verbally, but he continued to take advantage of her. Are you saying that, had it been your girlfriend, you would have dumped her for going through such a distressing ordeal?
He didnt rape her. And the issue there is when she claims for a short period of time she let him do what he wanted.
No denying that he took advantage, but she went back home with a man who was clearly interesting in her. That might be where some men might think, "hang on a minute..."
Original post by Dbrown18
He didnt rape her. And the issue there is when she claims for a short period of time she let him do what he wanted.
No denying that he took advantage, but she went back home with a man who was clearly interesting in her. That might be where some men might think, "hang on a minute..."
No denying that he took advantage, but she went back home with a man who was clearly interesting in her. That might be where some men might think, "hang on a minute..."
Giving in does not equal consent. And well done for blaming the victim in your second paragraph. Even if she had wanted to have sex with him when she got in that cab (which she didn't - it sounds like she was trying to look after her cousin) she still would have had the right to refuse, because she did not consent to anything.
Original post by whatsername2009
Giving in does not equal consent. And well done for blaming the victim in your second paragraph. Even if she had wanted to have sex with him when she got in that cab (which she didn't - it sounds like she was trying to look after her cousin) she still would have had the right to refuse, because she did not consent to anything.
The cousin she admits shes not even close to if im not mistaken? Yes, she has the right to refuse, and refuse she did. He didnt have sex with her, and he rang her a cab. Also, she was so drunk she cant remember getting home nor going to bed. Hell, in that state, its very possible he did force himself inside of her, but she herself has stated orginially that he didnt before saying that he might of.
IMO opinion this is a naive girl feeling a little bit guilty. He was very wrong for what he did to you, and im sure theres a chargeable offence for what he did, but to answer the OP question, from what shes said, no, he didnt rape her, and the situation could have been avoided if she never went home with a lad who she knew wanted to get with her. I think her intentions were pure at the time, but now realises how silly a thing it was to do.
You say that you let him, but if you were constantly telling him "no" then it's definitely assault. Being taken advantage of isn't cheating, and trying to look out for your cousin doesn't mean that you deserve to have something so awful happen to you.
Not your fault, and not rape,but sexual assault.
I just want to say you should go to the police, even if not to press charges or anything, just so they know there are guys in that area taking girls home and possibly taking advantage of them.
Just so another girl doesnt go through the same thing or worse.
I just want to say you should go to the police, even if not to press charges or anything, just so they know there are guys in that area taking girls home and possibly taking advantage of them.
Just so another girl doesnt go through the same thing or worse.
Some responses here are absolutely appauling. You're not to blame for ANYTHING at all. We live in a society where you shouldn't expect to be attacked regardless of who you're with and where you are. No one is allowed to take advantage of you regardless of your state, full stop.
Of course, going home with someone you don't know while you're wasted isn't the best idea, but he tricked you into thinking it was a party and he's 100% to blame.
You have absolutely NO reason to blame yourself and if you start doing it, it'll be useless and will make you feel worse. I suggest you just talk to anyone you can about it so you have more than one perspective + get it off your chest. It's nice that your boyfriend is so understanding.
Of course, going home with someone you don't know while you're wasted isn't the best idea, but he tricked you into thinking it was a party and he's 100% to blame.
You have absolutely NO reason to blame yourself and if you start doing it, it'll be useless and will make you feel worse. I suggest you just talk to anyone you can about it so you have more than one perspective + get it off your chest. It's nice that your boyfriend is so understanding.
Hi
Thanks for being brave and posting about something so difficult.
Firstly, you were sexually assaulted. It does not matter if you were drunk or that you went to their house. You made it clear that you did not want to do anything and this boy did not listen. What he did is a crime and you would be entitled to go to the police and report it.
However, if you don't want to go down that route i would recommend going to a Haven. There you can get confidential medical advice, they can check from STI's etc and also you can talk about how you feel about the assault. Havens are only in london though, elsewhere you can go to a rape crisis centre or your local GUM clinic.
http://www.thehavens.co.uk/
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/STIs/Pages/VisitinganSTIclinic.aspx
I also want to reassure you that you are not to blame. It was brave of you to tell your boyfriend, and although he is upset, i hope he is being supportive. Please try and talk to a professional locally about this and get some medical advice, just in case.
Take care
jo
Thanks for being brave and posting about something so difficult.
Firstly, you were sexually assaulted. It does not matter if you were drunk or that you went to their house. You made it clear that you did not want to do anything and this boy did not listen. What he did is a crime and you would be entitled to go to the police and report it.
However, if you don't want to go down that route i would recommend going to a Haven. There you can get confidential medical advice, they can check from STI's etc and also you can talk about how you feel about the assault. Havens are only in london though, elsewhere you can go to a rape crisis centre or your local GUM clinic.
http://www.thehavens.co.uk/
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/STIs/Pages/VisitinganSTIclinic.aspx
I also want to reassure you that you are not to blame. It was brave of you to tell your boyfriend, and although he is upset, i hope he is being supportive. Please try and talk to a professional locally about this and get some medical advice, just in case.
Take care
jo
Also sorry that people have taken such a negative attitude to this story.
If the facts are as stated, this man's actions were both legally and morally wrong. I don't know what else was necessary for her to make it clear she did not want to have sex (saying "no" repeatedly... going outside... asking for a taxi...). I almost think that refusing to give her the address so she could call a taxi (let alone pulling her back inside) is deprivation of liberty.
I hope for the rest of us that you are willing to speak to the police. Even if a conviction isn't possible, their involvement may make him realise what he did so he does not do the same to someone else the following week.
If the facts are as stated, this man's actions were both legally and morally wrong. I don't know what else was necessary for her to make it clear she did not want to have sex (saying "no" repeatedly... going outside... asking for a taxi...). I almost think that refusing to give her the address so she could call a taxi (let alone pulling her back inside) is deprivation of liberty.
I hope for the rest of us that you are willing to speak to the police. Even if a conviction isn't possible, their involvement may make him realise what he did so he does not do the same to someone else the following week.
The guy was clearly wrong and he did rape you according to me. You should get best possible support now and don't feel guilt. When you feel like it you should also report him.
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Examples of unjust laws in the UK
- can someone give feedback on my eng lit essay?
- can someone give me feedback and help on my eng lit essay? (A level)
- Will KCL accept my mitigating circumstances?
- Does Warwick still have a rape culture?
- A-Level English Language Study Group 2023-2024
- A-level English Language A/A* Advice!
- Rant (not a question but comment on it if you want)
- Is it alright if my boyfriend slaps me?
- Participants needed!!
- LNAT prep
- Brianna Ghey killed in quiet village
- Teenage girls as horny as teenage guys?
- Students accused of rape at university bringing lawyers to hearings
- Participants needed
- Master's Dissertation Participants
- Why do some soldiers rape?
- Compelling personal reasona
- Unconscious bias - is it time to rethink how we address VAWG?
- an inspector calls seven deadly sins
Latest
Trending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
