Rant (not a question but comment on it if you want)

TW: SA

I impulse texted a man who I really shouldn't have texted back, just a habit of the abused going back into abusive relationships and while I knew he was manipulative I really didn't wanna think the worst of him. I genuinely cared about him and talked the best about him even though he raped me while I was dating someone else and blamed it on me (gaslighting me into thinking I cheated), affecting my mental health in a way that no one before him has managed to as bad. I know I shouldn't have and against the better judgement of my friends, I did and I wanted to check on him - partly because I missed the old him and how he understood me even though its been more than a year since, I remember everything to the very day they happened. He was a very significant part of my life and had a huge effect on it even if it ended up really bad terms, and I never got closure but after today, I know that the part of me which still loved him and believed he could change, knows that he isn't going to and that he inherently is a terrible person, with narcissistic and abusive tendencies.

If you're reading this, I think you're pathetic in refusing to accept that you messed up and what you did was wrong in the first place. I think that its wrong you've made me feel ashamed for loving too much and deeply making it seem like it was my fault for caring when you lied to my face and manipulated me, pretending we were friends and you wanted the best for me when you just wanted to hurt me, I was important to you and you kept me safe until I didn't want to go through with what you expected and wanted from me, and then you wreaked me. You did exactly what you said you wished never happens to me again, and while you used to tell me how you wished you could take all the pain from my life away if you had met me earlier, your actions hurt me more than anyone in my past did and left me questioning my own mind and heart. I refuse to believe that you didn't know what you were doing when I begged you not to, and you still told me I was asking for it. I refuse to believe that you didn't mean to hurt me when you choked me so hard it left me actually breathless and unable to breathe, tapping at your hand asking you to stop. So if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm tired of blaming myself and feeling pity for you. While you told me that we were the same, I know I would never be you because I could never and would never hurt someone the way you did, only to act like it was all a game taunting me now.

Reply 1

SomeonesDad

Just a quick note to congratulate you on discovering this and having the strength to document it.
If ever you waiver or are tempted to relent, just come here and use your own testimony to save you from making that mistake.
I am sure that others will signpost you to appropriate professional help based on their first-hand experiences. I can't do that, I don't have that empathy to offer you. But as a parent. I wish you nothing but the time to heal, the time to find love and to be loved fully, and a healthy and fulfilled life.