Is it alright if my boyfriend slaps me?

I wanna say that I feel that i am very much aware of my boyfriends red flags, though none of them are concerning, they're more like flaws or quirks.
He is my first relationship and a lot of my firsts, and I honestly have no doubts that I love him and want him in my future, and I do trust him.
You know that little slap fight usually used as a stereotype for girls or childish boys? He does that sometimes--just the little repeated slaps--and Im simply wondering if it is concerning from an outsiders point of view.
To be safe, ive joked that its technically abuse and he was very apologetic but not in a pitying way.
We do play fight a lot and neither of us intentionally hurt the other, and if we do it is stated and discussed, im just wondering if I am being delusional. He is honestly a great guy and I dont think he would ever hurt me deliberately. Thoughts?

Reply 1

Mohammed_2000

13

Original post by Anonymous #1

I wanna say that I feel that i am very much aware of my boyfriends red flags, though none of them are concerning, they're more like flaws or quirks.
He is my first relationship and a lot of my firsts, and I honestly have no doubts that I love him and want him in my future, and I do trust him.
You know that little slap fight usually used as a stereotype for girls or childish boys? He does that sometimes--just the little repeated slaps--and Im simply wondering if it is concerning from an outsiders point of view.
To be safe, ive joked that its technically abuse and he was very apologetic but not in a pitying way.
We do play fight a lot and neither of us intentionally hurt the other, and if we do it is stated and discussed, im just wondering if I am being delusional. He is honestly a great guy and I dont think he would ever hurt me deliberately. Thoughts?

Playfully or like with complete force.

Reply 2

Stiffy Byng

14

Original post by Anonymous #1

I wanna say that I feel that i am very much aware of my boyfriends red flags, though none of them are concerning, they're more like flaws or quirks.
He is my first relationship and a lot of my firsts, and I honestly have no doubts that I love him and want him in my future, and I do trust him.
You know that little slap fight usually used as a stereotype for girls or childish boys? He does that sometimes--just the little repeated slaps--and Im simply wondering if it is concerning from an outsiders point of view.
To be safe, ive joked that its technically abuse and he was very apologetic but not in a pitying way.
We do play fight a lot and neither of us intentionally hurt the other, and if we do it is stated and discussed, im just wondering if I am being delusional. He is honestly a great guy and I dont think he would ever hurt me deliberately. Thoughts?

It is absolutely not acceptable for anyone to use violence within a relationship. I suggest that you make it clear to your boyfriend that he is never to strike you or use any other form of violence towards you. If your boyfriend will not refrain from slapping you, you should end the relationship.

Reply 3

Zarek

21

It sounds a bit dodgy if you’re asking the question. Tell him to cut out the things you don’t like.

Reply 4

StriderHort

21

Original post by Stiffy Byng

It is absolutely not acceptable for anyone to use violence within a relationship. I suggest that you make it clear to your boyfriend that he is never to strike you or use any other form of violence towards you. If your boyfriend will not refrain from slapping you, you should end the relationship.

You're aware we're talking about both parties play fighting right?

Reply 5

Stiffy Byng

14

Original post by StriderHort

You're aware we're talking about both parties play fighting right?

It appears from the opening post that the boyfriend is going beyond play. If the OP was comfortable with what is happening, why would she ask if the conduct is ok? In addition, an abuser may have as part of his repertoire "Oh, it's just play. Everyone does it." Regrettably, some men take advantage of the youth and inexperience of some women.

Reply 6

StriderHort

21

Original post by Stiffy Byng

It appears from the opening post that the boyfriend is going beyond play. If the OP was comfortable with what is happening, why would she ask if the conduct is ok? In addition, an abuser may have as part of his repertoire "Oh, it's just play. Everyone does it." Regrettably, some men take advantage of the youth and inexperience of some women.

This is possible, but I'm genuinely not seeing where they say it goes beyond playing? OP says they both play fight and neither intentionally hurts the other, they didn't mention striking. Without further info I don't think it should be looked at as one sided domestic violence as that's just not what's being described imo.

Reply 7

Stiffy Byng

14

I invite you to re read the opening post, noting the thread title, and the difference between what is described in the third paragraph and in the fifth paragraph.

The mechanisms used in coercive control and other forms of abuse are varied, and can be subtle.

Too many young men have fallen for the misogynist claptrap of Andrew Tate and Jordan Petersen and/or have been influenced by porn which normalises slapping and other forms of violence.

(edited 4 weeks ago)

Reply 8

username6897953

7

Original post by Anonymous #1

I wanna say that I feel that i am very much aware of my boyfriends red flags, though none of them are concerning, they're more like flaws or quirks.
He is my first relationship and a lot of my firsts, and I honestly have no doubts that I love him and want him in my future, and I do trust him.
You know that little slap fight usually used as a stereotype for girls or childish boys? He does that sometimes--just the little repeated slaps--and Im simply wondering if it is concerning from an outsiders point of view.
To be safe, ive joked that its technically abuse and he was very apologetic but not in a pitying way.
We do play fight a lot and neither of us intentionally hurt the other, and if we do it is stated and discussed, im just wondering if I am being delusional. He is honestly a great guy and I dont think he would ever hurt me deliberately. Thoughts?

That is what is called "Criminal Assault" Unless he can prove that you asked him to slap you, which would be hard, then
if you filed a complaint he would be arrested and charged with Assault. It all depends on his proving your consent. You clearly were/are concerned enough to ask the question on here so must have some doubts about his intentions. May be he is seeing how far he can go with the aggression.
The same as if any man has sex with a woman, if a complaint is filed of Sexual Assault or Rape, then it would be for the Man to prove 100% he had consent. Not just say it, prove it.

(edited 4 weeks ago)

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Mohammed_2000

Playfully or like with complete force.

playfully

Reply 10

Mohammed_2000

13

Original post by Anonymous #1

playfully

Don’t see anything wrong with playfully to be honest but not abusively or with force.

Reply 11

LMD446805

5

Original post by Anonymous #1

I wanna say that I feel that i am very much aware of my boyfriends red flags, though none of them are concerning, they're more like flaws or quirks.
He is my first relationship and a lot of my firsts, and I honestly have no doubts that I love him and want him in my future, and I do trust him.
You know that little slap fight usually used as a stereotype for girls or childish boys? He does that sometimes--just the little repeated slaps--and Im simply wondering if it is concerning from an outsiders point of view.
To be safe, ive joked that its technically abuse and he was very apologetic but not in a pitying way.
We do play fight a lot and neither of us intentionally hurt the other, and if we do it is stated and discussed, im just wondering if I am being delusional. He is honestly a great guy and I dont think he would ever hurt me deliberately. Thoughts?

Sounds like he is pushing boundaries and the fact that you are already on here questioning it means that you know that something is wrong

Reply 12

Stiffy Byng

14

Original post by bewilderedonline

That is what is called "Criminal Assault" Unless he can prove that you asked him to slap you, which would be hard, then
if you filed a complaint he would be arrested and charged with Assault. It all depends on his proving your consent. You clearly were/are concerned enough to ask the question on here so must have some doubts about his intentions. May be he is seeing how far he can go with the aggression.
The same as if any man has sex with a woman, if a complaint is filed of Sexual Assault or Rape, then it would be for the Man to prove 100% he had consent. Not just say it, prove it.

I'm a barrister. The quoted post is inaccurate.

1.

In English law, non consensual touching is an assault.

2.

A person can legally consent to mild forms of violence, but cannot legally consent to serious bodily harm.

3.

The relevant statute provides that “…a person consents if he [or she] agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.” Agreement induced by intoxication, mental impairment, or compulsion/coercion is not legal consent.

4.

Where rape is alleged (not relevant in the OP's situation), it is for the prosecution to prove the absence of consent.

5.

The defendant to a charge of rape can assert a reasonable belief in consent.

6.

Point 5 is controversial. The conviction rate in rape cases is low.

7.

Coercive control within a relationship is now a concept recognised by the law.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-6-consent

(edited 3 weeks ago)

Reply 13

username6897953

7

Original post by Stiffy Byng

I'm a barrister. The quoted post is inaccurate.

1.

In English law, non consensual touching is an assault.

2.

A person can legally consent to mild forms of violence, but cannot legally consent to serious bodily harm.

3.

The relevant statute provides that “…a person consents if he [or she] agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.” Agreement induced by intoxication, mental impairment, or compulsion/coercion is not legal consent.

4.

Where rape is alleged (not relevant in the OP's situation), it is for the prosecution to prove the absence of consent.

5.

The defendant to a charge of rape can assert a reasonable belief in consent.

6.

Point 5 is controversial. The conviction rate in rape cases is low.

7.

Coercive control within a relationship is now a concept recognised by the law.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-6-consent

A fullty qualified barrister on a student forum, blimey. What was inaccurate, exactly ?

Reply 14

Stiffy Byng

14

Original post by bewilderedonline

A fullty qualified barrister on a student forum, blimey. What was inaccurate, exactly ?

I explained the inaccuracies in my previous post, but shall summarise them again. There are two points. The most important point is that, on the issue of consent in the offence of rape, the burden of proof lies on the prosecution, not the defence. The defendant does not have to prove consent. The prosecution has to prove the absence of consent.

Accordingly, your assertion above that it is for a person accused of rape to prove consent is incorrect, as a matter of law.

The secondary point is that consent is only a defence in cases of minor violence. It is not legally possible to consent to serious bodily harm. Thus, for example, a person can consent to being slapped, but a person cannot lawfully consent to being stabbed.

By the way, there are several practising lawyers and members of other professions who post in this forum, in response to questions about universities, careers, legal and medical issues, and so on.

(edited 3 weeks ago)

Is it alright if my boyfriend slaps me?

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