Paper 2 Question 2 English Language .

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superwoman2345
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Is this a good first paragraph??


In Source A Edward VII indicates that his incentive came from inner turmoil ,as he refers to himself having ‘tried to serve for 25 years’ which suggests that he felt inadequate for not fulfilling his role for the ‘country’ ,‘empire’ ,as ‘the Prince of Wales ‘ and lastly as ‘King’ for several years .Making us feel that he felt frustrated for failing not only his role as King but the many ‘burdens’ that come with it .Contrastingly,in Source B ,Harry portrays his incentive came from the turmoil caused from the ‘media ‘ which held ‘such a powerful force’.It gives the impression to the reader that the writer felt the media restrained him .Which then lead him to ‘take a leap of faith’ after the ‘ months of talks’ and ‘years of challenges’ .Which can also suggest that the burden of the media over time inspired him to leave the royal family .
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username4729656
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(Original post by superwoman2345)
Is this a good first paragraph??


In Source A Edward VII indicates that his incentive came from inner turmoil ,as he refers to himself having ‘tried to serve for 25 years’ which suggests that he felt inadequate for not fulfilling his role for the ‘country’ ,‘empire’ ,as ‘the Prince of Wales ‘ and lastly as ‘King’ for several years .Making us feel that he felt frustrated for failing not only his role as King but the many ‘burdens’ that come with it .Contrastingly,in Source B ,Harry portrays his incentive came from the turmoil caused from the ‘media ‘ which held ‘such a powerful force’.It gives the impression to the reader that the writer felt the media restrained him .Which then lead him to ‘take a leap of faith’ after the ‘ months of talks’ and ‘years of challenges’ .Which can also suggest that the burden of the media over time inspired him to leave the royal family .
It's good but I think you need to work on your grammar and analytical skills. You should never start a sentence with 'making' or 'which', these should be commas within one sentence.

Here it is correctly re-written:

In Source A, Edward VII indicates that his incentive came from inner-turmoil since he refers to himself as having 'tried to serve for 25 years', suggesting that he felt inadequate in not fulfilling his role for the 'country', the 'empire', and his duties as 'the Prince of Wales' and 'King'. This implies that he felt frustrated at his failure in his role as King as well as the 'burdens' he produced. Contrastingly, in Source B, Harry conveys that his incentive derives from the turmoil of the 'media' which held 'such a powerful force'. This gives the reader the impression that the writer felt restrained by the media, which then led him to 'take a leap of faith' after the 'months of talks' and 'years of challenges' - perhaps also suggesting that the media's burden over time inspired him to leave the royal family.
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