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(edited 10 months ago)

Firstly, if this was done in 45 or so minutes, as suggested by the exam board for question 5, then the quality of this response is exceptional.

There is very little to criticise besides very very minor grammatical errors which go almost unnoticed and have no effect on the narrative. The opening description is incredible. The wide variety of similes definitely helps in compelling the reader and ensuring that they understand the setting that you have created. There was of course a wide range of very ambitious vocabulary integrated into amazing metaphors and personification. A lot of pathetic fallacy was used which is always great.

Structurally, the piece was very good as well. Most sentences were very long and complex with a few one word sentences here and there. Also, a wide range of punctuation was included accurately and appropriately. The only real criticism in terms of structure would be the lack of sentence variation. When you're writing at a standard this high it's not going to impact you a huge amount, but for the exam I would definitely consider shorter sentences in between the incredibly constructed longer sentences. They could be used to create a sense of overwhelm or to show a character's amazement, for example. Additionally, you could have implemented a one word or one sentence paragraph just to really emphasise a particular aspect and then go on to zoom further into it in the next paragraph.

Irrespective of these minor criticisms, you are undoubtedly reaching the top bands in both content and organisation and technical accuracy. So that means at a minimum we are looking at 32/40. In my opinion, its much higher up than that. I would mark as follows:

Content and organisation: 22/24
Technical accuracy: 14/16
Overall: 36/40

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