Am I broken?

Apologies for the dramatic title, needed to bait you all into answering my pathetic question somehow!

I moved out of my university accommodation for summer today, marking the end of my second year. I for some reason have felt really sad about it all though; more than usual. I usually get sad because it means that I wont see all of my friends for a while (they live too far to visit really) and I miss the room in halls that I lived in during the year and the memories it held etc. Classic bittersweet feelings!

But I’ve been feeling quite down this time, more than usual. I used to be very very close friends with one of my flatmates from first year and she eventually became my girlfriend, and was for around 10 months. I loved her so much and I was so happy until it was almost as though she became an entirely new person. I wasn’t happy for a long time in the relationship, from around 3/4months onwards but I brushed it off as first relationship anxiety ebbs and flows. There got to a point around 7 months in though where it just entirely was too much for me to handle - I was having to beg for her to see why it was important to spend time with eachother and explain to her why certain actions of hers were hurting me when they were obviously hurtful things to do etc. Anyways, I finally broke up with her before the christmas holidays, but I soon had doubts about whether it was the right decision (again anxiety) and asked for it to be a break rather. After christmas when we first saw eachother again at university, she begged me to take her back, crying for around 5+ hours, and then that same night went and slept in one of her male friends bed while they were both drunk and then lied about it to me before I found out from someone else. I called her to my room the next day after I found out and pleaded for her to explain how she could do such a thing after just hours before begging for me to be with her because she only will ever love me etc. etc.. And all she did was sit there and smirk. I blew up at her and called her every name under the book, out of anger, frustration,and sadness but also because I knew this girl would have always have a hold on me unless she hated me. I could not let myself get dragged back into her life again and so I blew up at her in a way she would never want to even talk to me again.

So you’re probably wondering where the relevance of all of this is to me feeling sad about leaving university for summer… Basically, I feel as though part of me is maybe sad about leaving for summer because it meant leaving the room we shared our last memories together in, cuddled in, and watched movies together in forever. I think part of me is maybe sad that all of that is now forever in the past as the relationship once brought me so much happiness. It’s especially confusing because she is going on a year abroad in her course this year and it will be the first year of university I have had that we haven’t been flatmates for/seen eachother (even if in complete ignorance of eachothers existence for the better part of this recent year due to everything that happened). I feel like regardless of how things ended, she was always there, I always knew she was existing in her room/at university and trodding on with life. But now she will be on her year abroad, it is not as though she is close by/in england, she will be in some entirely foreign country across the world and having thr absence of that sense she is around is a confusingly sad one for me.

I think I am also experiencing some sadness at the thought of summer holidays this year because it is the first holiday we haven’t been together at all (even on a break). I spent every other week with her last summer and we made so many memories and now I feel kind of lost on my own at home and a bit down. It was much easier at university because I have so much I can do and so many people I can see - I have never truly been alone with my thoughts for long enough to thoroughly think about things. But now I have been home less than 12hrs and I find my mind just wandering into this confusing void.

It’s all just so confusing because I really dislike the girl for what she did to me and how she treat me for the better part of the relationship but I feel part of me still cares for her safety and worries for her going to some foreign country. I just feel so confused as to why I feel these things when I don’t like her as a person at all.

I was hoping you guys could maybe share your opinion on the situation and what you take from it. Maybe add in your opinion as to whether i’m normal or severely down bad while you’re at it? hahah. And maybe some advice if you have any or have found yourself in a similar situation in the past :smile:

Thank you for reading :smile:

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Reply 1

Kelvin080801

Move passed it honestly, you don’t gain anything from holding onto the past. If you know you should put feelings aside do it, but you could also be logical and emotional on how you choose to move forward.

If you want to speak to her again but don’t want to be hurt then just take out the expectations, love and respect you have for her.

This may sound absurd but if you don’t care (which I know is asking a lot) then you can save yourself the time of hurting while have physical connection to replace the emotional one you with her.

In due time you’ll forget about her and want to move on and you’ll understand that love is a choice.