Does this qualify as cheating my way into medical school?
Disclaimer: I have OCD and have been debilitated by my actions for the past week.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
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@ecolier
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Original post by Anonymous
@ecolier
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its best if they answer since theyll likely more about these situations than me
Pretty sure most medical schools don't score the PS, and I'm aware several don't even read it. Your PS probably made little or no difference in whether you got into medical school in the first place. Seems like much ado about nothing on that front.
I guess there is a potential fitness to practise concern there though. Although since you're evidently feeling remorse for it, doesn't sound like you're planning to go on a rampage of falsifying medical records or something. Still, something to reflect on at least for yourself I suppose.
Not sure what dish-washing or drug taking have to do with any of this. A bit melodramatic really.
I guess there is a potential fitness to practise concern there though. Although since you're evidently feeling remorse for it, doesn't sound like you're planning to go on a rampage of falsifying medical records or something. Still, something to reflect on at least for yourself I suppose.
Not sure what dish-washing or drug taking have to do with any of this. A bit melodramatic really.
(edited 8 months ago)
First of all, don’t start doing drugs like your friends, it’s not a good idea and could make your mental health a lot worse. What you did was a bit morally questionable but the answer to this dilemma is easy: don’t tell the uni. It makes no sense to self report and ruin your whole life, especially as you’ve said medicine is your life’s purpose and whatnot.
I think you might be better off asking your university to allow you to suspend your studies so that you can seek help and treatment for your OCD. It sounds like it is overwhelming your ability to function well both personally and academically.
Get well and then make a decision about whether you want to “confess” about your PS.
Get well and then make a decision about whether you want to “confess” about your PS.
Original post by Anonymous
Disclaimer: I have OCD and have been debilitated by my actions for the past week.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
Please don't act with haste. Medical school applications are tough,I know my daughter finished last year......it was her life long passion too.
Many people have family members who are Dr's/academics and many have paid to have their personal statement written for them. Regardless with who actually worded yours,it's still about 'you'.....your dedication,your passion and your focus. Get confidential support with managing your thoughts surrounding this,as it may not be the only dilemma in life you encounter and it's best to have those tools now and for your future use.
You're doing fine;don't feel guilty instead show yourself you deserve to be there by rocking the studies.
Go turn your superpower of OCD into something amazing. 😉
My DD is storming her role and she didn't have the privileged start some may have had.
Original post by artful_lounger
Pretty sure most medical schools don't score the PS, and I'm aware several don't even read it. Your PS probably made little or no difference in whether you got into medical school in the first place. Seems like much ado about nothing on that front.
I guess there is a potential fitness to practise concern there though. Although since you're evidently feeling remorse for it, doesn't sound like you're planning to go on a rampage of falsifying medical records or something. Still, something to reflect on at least for yourself I suppose.
Not sure what dish-washing or drug taking have to do with any of this. A bit melodramatic really.
I guess there is a potential fitness to practise concern there though. Although since you're evidently feeling remorse for it, doesn't sound like you're planning to go on a rampage of falsifying medical records or something. Still, something to reflect on at least for yourself I suppose.
Not sure what dish-washing or drug taking have to do with any of this. A bit melodramatic really.
"Much ado about nothing" --> so why would self-reporting lead to potential discharge from the course over a minor incident?
"Something to reflect on" --> I have struggled to do anything for the past week due to the shame of it. I don't know how I can free myself of this skeleton in my closet that may manifest in a loss of confidence in my ability to perform in medical school.
"not sure what [dish-washing] has to do with this" --> if i lose medicine, i am not trained to do anything else so will have to do low skill work, unable to get an apprenticeship etc. My life would be ruined if i am considered unfit to practise. The amount of power held over me to be perfect 100% of the time is quite stark. It seems like I am not allowed to make any mistakes, EVER.
Original post by artful_lounger
Pretty sure most medical schools don't score the PS, and I'm aware several don't even read it. Your PS probably made little or no difference in whether you got into medical school in the first place. Seems like much ado about nothing on that front.
I guess there is a potential fitness to practise concern there though. Although since you're evidently feeling remorse for it, doesn't sound like you're planning to go on a rampage of falsifying medical records or something. Still, something to reflect on at least for yourself I suppose.
Not sure what dish-washing or drug taking have to do with any of this. A bit melodramatic really.
I guess there is a potential fitness to practise concern there though. Although since you're evidently feeling remorse for it, doesn't sound like you're planning to go on a rampage of falsifying medical records or something. Still, something to reflect on at least for yourself I suppose.
Not sure what dish-washing or drug taking have to do with any of this. A bit melodramatic really.
Completely agree.
Original post by Anonymous
"Much ado about nothing" --> so why would self-reporting lead to potential discharge from the course over a minor incident?
"Something to reflect on" --> I have struggled to do anything for the past week due to the shame of it. I don't know how I can free myself of this skeleton in my closet that may manifest in a loss of confidence in my ability to perform in medical school.
"not sure what [dish-washing] has to do with this" --> if i lose medicine, i am not trained to do anything else so will have to do low skill work, unable to get an apprenticeship etc. My life would be ruined if i am considered unfit to practise. The amount of power held over me to be perfect 100% of the time is quite stark. It seems like I am not allowed to make any mistakes, EVER.
"Something to reflect on" --> I have struggled to do anything for the past week due to the shame of it. I don't know how I can free myself of this skeleton in my closet that may manifest in a loss of confidence in my ability to perform in medical school.
"not sure what [dish-washing] has to do with this" --> if i lose medicine, i am not trained to do anything else so will have to do low skill work, unable to get an apprenticeship etc. My life would be ruined if i am considered unfit to practise. The amount of power held over me to be perfect 100% of the time is quite stark. It seems like I am not allowed to make any mistakes, EVER.
I get it......100%,however try to evaluate this in the same way you would an OSCI.....you can do this,it's what you've been training for!
Med school is full of people struggling on the quiet and the student retention rate shows this on universities stats.
The pressure on you to succeed is emense and some of it,like my DD did is put there by yourselves through personal pride. Personally,I'd far rather have a self assessing,and on occasions self doubting Dr/consultant treating me than one who never doubts/checks their actions.
Please steer clear of self medicating,that's almost guaranteed to end a medical career if found out.
The real test for a medical student is how you will perform on the job.
This decides truly whether you deserve your role not some statement you made at 18years old.
This statement is mere words unless backed up by actions.
You have made it through your course and this is because you deserve to be there.
When people prepare their CVs for job hunting they often get help to do this job.
No one calls them a fraud for doing so and suggests they do not deserve the jobs they subsequently get.
Most would say what a good idea to help yourself get a new job!
Everyone who does a personal statement probably has a degree of help even if it is just a simple review by a teacher.
Medicine is so competitive that most people probably have some help on their personal statements.
They just want to show themselves at their best.
It is a small part of the application not the majority.
It feels to me like something has shaken your confidence and because you feel guilty about this help and assume that this act got you on your course you see this as some punishment that you deserve.
Please stop punishing yourself now.
Trust the University in choosing you to join this course.
They saw evidence of your hard work and suitable character.
They know people get aid with personal statements.
They look at the whole person, qualifications and references and see if the statement fits with the other information.
Fraud would be claiming to have A levels you do not have or jobs you have not done.
You need help with your medical condition as you have become fixed on this issue.
You also need a break from all things medical for a while to physically and mentally renew your self.
This decides truly whether you deserve your role not some statement you made at 18years old.
This statement is mere words unless backed up by actions.
You have made it through your course and this is because you deserve to be there.
When people prepare their CVs for job hunting they often get help to do this job.
No one calls them a fraud for doing so and suggests they do not deserve the jobs they subsequently get.
Most would say what a good idea to help yourself get a new job!
Everyone who does a personal statement probably has a degree of help even if it is just a simple review by a teacher.
Medicine is so competitive that most people probably have some help on their personal statements.
They just want to show themselves at their best.
It is a small part of the application not the majority.
It feels to me like something has shaken your confidence and because you feel guilty about this help and assume that this act got you on your course you see this as some punishment that you deserve.
Please stop punishing yourself now.
Trust the University in choosing you to join this course.
They saw evidence of your hard work and suitable character.
They know people get aid with personal statements.
They look at the whole person, qualifications and references and see if the statement fits with the other information.
Fraud would be claiming to have A levels you do not have or jobs you have not done.
You need help with your medical condition as you have become fixed on this issue.
You also need a break from all things medical for a while to physically and mentally renew your self.
Original post by LouiseRu
The real test for a medical student is how you will perform on the job.
This decides truly whether you deserve your role not some statement you made at 18years old.
This statement is mere words unless backed up by actions.
You have made it through your course and this is because you deserve to be there.
When people prepare their CVs for job hunting they often get help to do this job.
No one calls them a fraud for doing so and suggests they do not deserve the jobs they subsequently get.
Most would say what a good idea to help yourself get a new job!
Everyone who does a personal statement probably has a degree of help even if it is just a simple review by a teacher.
Medicine is so competitive that most people probably have some help on their personal statements.
They just want to show themselves at their best.
It is a small part of the application not the majority.
It feels to me like something has shaken your confidence and because you feel guilty about this help and assume that this act got you on your course you see this as some punishment that you deserve.
Please stop punishing yourself now.
Trust the University in choosing you to join this course.
They saw evidence of your hard work and suitable character.
They know people get aid with personal statements.
They look at the whole person, qualifications and references and see if the statement fits with the other information.
Fraud would be claiming to have A levels you do not have or jobs you have not done.
You need help with your medical condition as you have become fixed on this issue.
You also need a break from all things medical for a while to physically and mentally renew your self.
This decides truly whether you deserve your role not some statement you made at 18years old.
This statement is mere words unless backed up by actions.
You have made it through your course and this is because you deserve to be there.
When people prepare their CVs for job hunting they often get help to do this job.
No one calls them a fraud for doing so and suggests they do not deserve the jobs they subsequently get.
Most would say what a good idea to help yourself get a new job!
Everyone who does a personal statement probably has a degree of help even if it is just a simple review by a teacher.
Medicine is so competitive that most people probably have some help on their personal statements.
They just want to show themselves at their best.
It is a small part of the application not the majority.
It feels to me like something has shaken your confidence and because you feel guilty about this help and assume that this act got you on your course you see this as some punishment that you deserve.
Please stop punishing yourself now.
Trust the University in choosing you to join this course.
They saw evidence of your hard work and suitable character.
They know people get aid with personal statements.
They look at the whole person, qualifications and references and see if the statement fits with the other information.
Fraud would be claiming to have A levels you do not have or jobs you have not done.
You need help with your medical condition as you have become fixed on this issue.
You also need a break from all things medical for a while to physically and mentally renew your self.
Getting someone to write part of my personal statement is not the same as getting someone to write all of it though.
Do you think if I performed the compulsion and self-reported that the medical school would get rid of me because it would clear my conscience? Is this the right decision of absolution?
Original post by Anonymous
"Much ado about nothing" --> so why would self-reporting lead to potential discharge from the course over a minor incident?
"Something to reflect on" --> I have struggled to do anything for the past week due to the shame of it. I don't know how I can free myself of this skeleton in my closet that may manifest in a loss of confidence in my ability to perform in medical school.
"not sure what [dish-washing] has to do with this" --> if i lose medicine, i am not trained to do anything else so will have to do low skill work, unable to get an apprenticeship etc. My life would be ruined if i am considered unfit to practise. The amount of power held over me to be perfect 100% of the time is quite stark. It seems like I am not allowed to make any mistakes, EVER.
"Something to reflect on" --> I have struggled to do anything for the past week due to the shame of it. I don't know how I can free myself of this skeleton in my closet that may manifest in a loss of confidence in my ability to perform in medical school.
"not sure what [dish-washing] has to do with this" --> if i lose medicine, i am not trained to do anything else so will have to do low skill work, unable to get an apprenticeship etc. My life would be ruined if i am considered unfit to practise. The amount of power held over me to be perfect 100% of the time is quite stark. It seems like I am not allowed to make any mistakes, EVER.
My remark about it being much ado about nothing is in reference to your belief that you "don't deserve" your place because of this, when by objective measures as noted it most likely had no influence on the situation at all. The fact you think it did, then did it, would be the fitness to practise issue - not whether it gave you a material advantage or not.
Reflection is not the same as spiralling about it. It's actually pretty much the opposite of that. I think @PQ is absolutely right that whether or not to make the decision to admit to this, you aren't in a good state to make that decision right now.
In any event, not completing a medical degree doesn't mean you couldn't do any other degree. And worst come to worst, plenty of other professions do not have fitness to practise considerations (frankly for a job in finance it seems to be the opposite). So no, your life would not be "ruined" necessarily. In fact even without a degree, there are a huge number of jobs you could do that are not "dish-washing". This is pretty patently obvious to most hence my comment about being melodramatic (or as noted elsewhere in the replies that this could be due to your condition affecting you more severely right now).
Also note that having a fitness to practise hearing does not imply you will be found unfit to practise and removed from the course. Depending on the circumstances and on how you reflected on that and what you did afterwards, this may ameliorate matters. But if you are being affected by your condition significantly that's something to look at after you have addressed the issue of having your OCD treated and being stable on whatever management plan you and your GP make.
Would be interesting to see the perspective of a medic though!
(edited 8 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
"Much ado about nothing" --> so why would self-reporting lead to potential discharge from the course over a minor incident?
"Something to reflect on" --> I have struggled to do anything for the past week due to the shame of it. I don't know how I can free myself of this skeleton in my closet that may manifest in a loss of confidence in my ability to perform in medical school.
"not sure what [dish-washing] has to do with this" --> if i lose medicine, i am not trained to do anything else so will have to do low skill work, unable to get an apprenticeship etc. My life would be ruined if i am considered unfit to practise. The amount of power held over me to be perfect 100% of the time is quite stark. It seems like I am not allowed to make any mistakes, EVER.
"Something to reflect on" --> I have struggled to do anything for the past week due to the shame of it. I don't know how I can free myself of this skeleton in my closet that may manifest in a loss of confidence in my ability to perform in medical school.
"not sure what [dish-washing] has to do with this" --> if i lose medicine, i am not trained to do anything else so will have to do low skill work, unable to get an apprenticeship etc. My life would be ruined if i am considered unfit to practise. The amount of power held over me to be perfect 100% of the time is quite stark. It seems like I am not allowed to make any mistakes, EVER.
Don't do anything rash. The fitness to practice process is an extremely blunt tool and can equate "failure to think sensibly as a young human" to "absolute moral failure as a medical student/doctor now and forever".
Self-medicating is a rabbit hole you don't want to go down and can result in very real health and legal consequences - avoid.
Also, be aware that your post has been moved to a forum which does not have the anon function so you will de-anon yourself further if you keep posting. Hopefully the thread will be moved to the Current Med Students forum soon and you can resume posting anonymously.
I agree with PQ's advice.
(edited 8 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Getting someone to write part of my personal statement is not the same as getting someone to write all of it though.
Do you think if I performed the compulsion and self-reported that the medical school would get rid of me because it would clear my conscience? Is this the right decision of absolution?
Do you think if I performed the compulsion and self-reported that the medical school would get rid of me because it would clear my conscience? Is this the right decision of absolution?
They may well feel that you are wasting their time on such matters and judge you accordingly.
Think of the statement as a sales pitch.
It is a way of selling yourself as a candidate.
That is what it is.
I am presuming here that the help you got in writing it was to express yourself better and not to make false claims
about yourself or qualifications.
All students applying to University will have some help with personal statements even if it is just a teacher review.
The more competitive a place at University is the more help people will employ to prepare themselves such as courses on interview techniques etc.
Do not think for a moment that the Universities are not aware of this.
What they are interested in is the content and how your claims match up with the other information you give.
Now you are on your course they are interested on how you perform as a student and later employee.
They want you working in the NHS supporting your colleagues not talking to them about someone helping with your personal statement when you were 18 years old.
So give yourself a break.
(edited 8 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Disclaimer: I have OCD and have been debilitated by my actions for the past week.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
This must be extremely overwhelming right now, have you been able to talk to anyone about this in terms of family, friends or even a staff member? Has your uncertainty been with you just this last week or longer?
The medical school has clarified that they do not score personal statements, meaning the personal statement that was submitted four years ago had no impact on your application or on whether or not you deserve the place. On the other hand, key factors of the application include grades, UCAT/BMAT and interview performance. All of this was done on your own, not by someone else. Therefore, you achieved this place through your own abilities and merits, no one else did that for you. It was all you. No one else. Not only that, you have managed to rank 3rd decile consistently over these past years which is a huge achievement in itself. Each and every year, you have confirmed to the medical school that you do indeed deserve this place. You have been giving it your absolute best since even before starting medical school and even now.
Judging by the level of your concern, you seem to have reflected and held yourself accountable, the next step is how to move forward for the future - to report yourself or not. I would like to emphasise that there is a middleground, which is talking to a staff member or wellbeing support. Your concern shows that you care and want to acknowledge that you deserve this place even amidst the constant doubt. On that note, have you heard of something called 'Imposter Syndrome'? Would you say you relate to those thoughts and feelings? In any case, I would recommend seeking some wellbeing support to give you a space to organise your thoughts and feelings, so that you can make a decision with a clear mind.
In regards to whether or not you should report yourself, it's up to you at the end of the day. Fitness to practice investigations are for serious allegations, so for any situation it's best to first get in touch with a staff member you are familiar with and discuss your concerns before making the decision to escalate to reporting yourself.
I strongly advise to seek medical attention before taking any medication, also if possible as mentioned in previous posts it may be a good idea to ask for extended leave to receive treatment or consultation. At all stages, please do not forget that you are not on your own and that this is not the end of the road.
(edited 8 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Disclaimer: I have OCD and have been debilitated by my actions for the past week.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.
Your OCD is having a great time messing with your head.These thoughts are ruminations and have no basis in reality they are just playing on your worst fear ,losing medicine.You need a therapist who can give you the tools to deal with these obsessive thoughts.One to try right now is the STOP technique.Write a paragraph about a really happy memory you have.Try to include sights ,smells,emotions it evoked.Learn paragraph off by heart.Everytimre you have the PS thought immediately say STOP ideally outloud if possible.Then repeat the learned paragraph in your head.Repeat adfinitum.The reason this works is your brain cannot run two thoughts at the same time.It can be tedious but persevere.
You might also benefit from one of the newer Ssri drugs like escitalapram but make no mistake this circular thinking needs treatment and logic will not win as you are temporarily unable to think about this logically.It is of course all nonsense about the Ps but your brain does not care about that.Please get help asap.
First of all just some thread admin, your thread is in a Forum with Anonymous enabled (thanks to the person who did that by the way). I've changed 1 post to an anonymous account (TSR George) to protect your anonymity and edited post 15 to remove the username part of the quote.
Second, I just want to support what artful_lounger and PQ said.
And one point about your analogy of your lover. In this case your lover is a medical school - not a human being - which therefore doesn't have feelings. With the greatest respect to you, to that university you are a number. You aren't hurting anyone in not telling them. Apart from yourself, and either way you get hurt whether you tell them or not. And if you do tell them, there's a chance that the medical profession will lose a fantastic person.
The other thing to note, is that this is an odd time for this to come back to you. I have no doubt the guilt has always been there, but the fact this has come back so strongly, now, tells me that there's other forces at play here which this guilt is only 1 part of. That's why I'd second all the advice telling you to take time away right now.
Second, I just want to support what artful_lounger and PQ said.
And one point about your analogy of your lover. In this case your lover is a medical school - not a human being - which therefore doesn't have feelings. With the greatest respect to you, to that university you are a number. You aren't hurting anyone in not telling them. Apart from yourself, and either way you get hurt whether you tell them or not. And if you do tell them, there's a chance that the medical profession will lose a fantastic person.
The other thing to note, is that this is an odd time for this to come back to you. I have no doubt the guilt has always been there, but the fact this has come back so strongly, now, tells me that there's other forces at play here which this guilt is only 1 part of. That's why I'd second all the advice telling you to take time away right now.
Original post by artful_lounger
My remark about it being much ado about nothing is in reference to your belief that you "don't deserve" your place because of this, when by objective measures as noted it most likely had no influence on the situation at all. The fact you think it did, then did it, would be the fitness to practise issue - not whether it gave you a material advantage or not.
Reflection is not the same as spiralling about it. It's actually pretty much the opposite of that. I think @PQ is absolutely right that whether or not to make the decision to admit to this, you aren't in a good state to make that decision right now.
In any event, not completing a medical degree doesn't mean you couldn't do any other degree. And worst come to worst, plenty of other professions do not have fitness to practise considerations (frankly for a job in finance it seems to be the opposite). So no, your life would not be "ruined" necessarily. In fact even without a degree, there are a huge number of jobs you could do that are not "dish-washing". This is pretty patently obvious to most hence my comment about being melodramatic (or as noted elsewhere in the replies that this could be due to your condition affecting you more severely right now).
Also note that having a fitness to practise hearing does not imply you will be found unfit to practise and removed from the course. Depending on the circumstances and on how you reflected on that and what you did afterwards, this may ameliorate matters. But if you are being affected by your condition significantly that's something to look at after you have addressed the issue of having your OCD treated and being stable on whatever management plan you and your GP make.
Would be interesting to see the perspective of a medic though!
Reflection is not the same as spiralling about it. It's actually pretty much the opposite of that. I think @PQ is absolutely right that whether or not to make the decision to admit to this, you aren't in a good state to make that decision right now.
In any event, not completing a medical degree doesn't mean you couldn't do any other degree. And worst come to worst, plenty of other professions do not have fitness to practise considerations (frankly for a job in finance it seems to be the opposite). So no, your life would not be "ruined" necessarily. In fact even without a degree, there are a huge number of jobs you could do that are not "dish-washing". This is pretty patently obvious to most hence my comment about being melodramatic (or as noted elsewhere in the replies that this could be due to your condition affecting you more severely right now).
Also note that having a fitness to practise hearing does not imply you will be found unfit to practise and removed from the course. Depending on the circumstances and on how you reflected on that and what you did afterwards, this may ameliorate matters. But if you are being affected by your condition significantly that's something to look at after you have addressed the issue of having your OCD treated and being stable on whatever management plan you and your GP make.
Would be interesting to see the perspective of a medic though!
I understand logically that I can do other jobs, but my current life revolves around medicine at its core. To have it ripped from me would literally leave me with nothing. All of my friends are in medicine, all of my skills and interests are in medicine, all of my future is planned to be in medicine. I can justify that other people get a lot of help writing personal statements, but OCD has an acute attention to detail and will obsess over the fact that "personal statement can be plagiarised to 80%" but mine was plagiarised to 100% so it still violates the university policy whilst my friends who got help did not.
In real event OCD, like @Scotney said, the OCD infiltrates whatever it is you care about the most. So my OCD is seeking reassurance that I do 100% deserve to be there. And the only body who can decide that are the university I will be getting my degree from. I have a strong hunch that the committee who decide these things will treat me as a disposable unit staining their reputation. So I was considering reporting myself anonymously and asking if they can give me some closure before revealing my identity. Even then, my records will be permanently stained with a fitness to practise record. Like @Democracy said, the fitness to practise tool is extremely blunt. To them, I am just a number but removing me from the course would massacre my life and they probably won't consider this.
I do find some closure in the fact that the personal statement isn't used for interview selection. But the OCD is obsessed with the fact that self-reporting is still a no-go meaning imply that I am not truly scott-free/innocent until I hear it from the university themselves. People are saying I have imposter syndrome but my OCD just draws it immediately back to the fact that there is uncertainty on whether the uni themselves think I should stay on the course. I don't know how to get past this so am seeking some kind of reassurance on here. How can I excel when I have this chain around my neck?
Original post by Scotney
Your OCD is having a great time messing with your head.These thoughts are ruminations and have no basis in reality they are just playing on your worst fear ,losing medicine.You need a therapist who can give you the tools to deal with these obsessive thoughts.One to try right now is the STOP technique.Write a paragraph about a really happy memory you have.Try to include sights ,smells,emotions it evoked.Learn paragraph off by heart.Everytimre you have the PS thought immediately say STOP ideally outloud if possible.Then repeat the learned paragraph in your head.Repeat adfinitum.The reason this works is your brain cannot run two thoughts at the same time.It can be tedious but persevere.
You might also benefit from one of the newer Ssri drugs like escitalapram but make no mistake this circular thinking needs treatment and logic will not win as you are temporarily unable to think about this logically.It is of course all nonsense about the Ps but your brain does not care about that.Please get help asap.
You might also benefit from one of the newer Ssri drugs like escitalapram but make no mistake this circular thinking needs treatment and logic will not win as you are temporarily unable to think about this logically.It is of course all nonsense about the Ps but your brain does not care about that.Please get help asap.
This post was comforting to read because I get the impression you understand the dynamic I am in at the moment. In my case of OCD, I have certainty that what I did was unethical. But I am uncertain on whether it is bad enough to jeopardise my place on medicine. Surely STOP would only work if I am obsessing over something totally ungrounded, eg the 0.001% chance my house will set on fire? With my situation, some people would say that what I have done is reprimandable, so no matter how long I disengage my OCD thought loops, I never feel like I have permission to move on because there is certainty that I did something wrong. In other words, it's more like a 30% chance I will get kicked out of medicine rather than a 0.01% chance the house will set on fire if I leave a light switch on. So my brain struggles to view holistically what I am obsessing about as something minuscule, even after "calming it down". This is the first time I have found an obsession I can't manoveur my way out of.
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