The Student Room Group

Today is my 21st birthday and I feel so depressed. I don’t know what to do.

Well, the day is finally here and it hits me like a truck each time it comes around. I’m still the depressed, lonely mess that I’ve always been ever since my preteen years. Over the years I’ve attempted to end my life because it’s just not worth living anymore. I’ve always had deep feelings of self-hatred and each year that I turn a new age, I’m constantly reminded of what a complete **** up I am, and that life goes too fast for me to be able to keep up with everyone.

They say your teens and early 20s are the golden years, the prime of your life. Well for me that’s simply not the case and I resent that fact. I hate that I hold so much childhood trauma that therapy didn’t help to alleviate. I hate that I’m in a constant state of isolation that I’m afraid to get myself out of because I deal with severe social anxiety and agoraphobia for multiple reasons pertaining to my past. I hate that I scrutinise every little thing about myself and can thus never be happy with the person I am. I hate being told that things will get improve because they never have. I just hate living in general and these days I’m barely living, I’m simply just existing and wallowing in my own negativity. It’s unproductive, but I’ve just given up.

I’m extremely annoyed that I messed up things for myself. Seeing my peers graduate from university and move onto bigger and better things while I’m now a dormant student who is supposed to be handing in my final assessments and graduating in a year really makes me angry. It’s gotten to a point where I’ve considered withdrawing from university before taking my own life because it’s all too overwhelming. I’ve had such an unbelievably miserable time at uni and this time a few years ago I was trying to envision a world where I’d make it through the struggles and graduate on time with everyone else. Of course it didn’t happen. Nothing ever good ever happens to me. I was too mentally weak and pathetic to hand in my assessments on time and now I’m extremely disheartened. I was so close to the finish line and I fumbled at the last hurdle.

Why does it seem like everyone else my age has everything else going for them while I’m just a total mess who can barely get their head straight? Your average 21 year old is enjoying life, having fun with friends, progressing in their education/early career, etc. Meanwhile I hardly get to talk to the only friends I do have in my life nowadays, as we’ve slowly drifted apart. There is not a single thing I have going for me and it sucks. I hate looking at others with immense envy, but that’s the only emotion I feel in my interpersonal interactions. Looks, education/career progress, ability to handle extreme mental struggles, and so on.

This day also sucks because sometimes I don’t feel like a genuine adult and struggle with the pressure to grow up. I could never go back to childhood and hated it with a passion, but my brain and my actions over the last few years suggest that I’m in limbo when it comes to where I’m at mentally with my age. It pains me to think that I’m squarely in my 20s and that I should have my feet on solid ground, but I don’t. It’s as if I’m in the water trying to come up to the surface for air but I’m inevitably going to drown. There’s also this dumb thing that I do when I look at the things that famous people have done at my age or slightly younger and how successful they were that I’m in disbelief that they were actually that young, and stupidly compare myself to them too, not just my regular peers.

21 is a grown adult, yet my mentality just doesn’t match with that. There’s still so much that I need to do and so much to learn in order to be in a similar boat to my peers, but I’m just drowning and I don’t think I can be saved. I’m taking antidepressants and am seeing a professional, but I’ve basically given up and I’m just a hollow shell that will never amount to much.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the pity party, seeing as it’s the only party I’ll be having today I just sometimes feel like venting it out here can help me cool off. I know there are probably people older than me turning their nose up at the post and thinking I’m acting like a petulant child, and that’s fair, but I’m deeply distraught and just have these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
Happy birthday! Everything will get better with time, put yourself out there.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Well, the day is finally here and it hits me like a truck each time it comes around. I’m still the depressed, lonely mess that I’ve always been ever since my preteen years. Over the years I’ve attempted to end my life because it’s just not worth living anymore. I’ve always had deep feelings of self-hatred and each year that I turn a new age, I’m constantly reminded of what a complete **** up I am, and that life goes too fast for me to be able to keep up with everyone.

They say your teens and early 20s are the golden years, the prime of your life. Well for me that’s simply not the case and I resent that fact. I hate that I hold so much childhood trauma that therapy didn’t help to alleviate. I hate that I’m in a constant state of isolation that I’m afraid to get myself out of because I deal with severe social anxiety and agoraphobia for multiple reasons pertaining to my past. I hate that I scrutinise every little thing about myself and can thus never be happy with the person I am. I hate being told that things will get improve because they never have. I just hate living in general and these days I’m barely living, I’m simply just existing and wallowing in my own negativity. It’s unproductive, but I’ve just given up.

I’m extremely annoyed that I messed up things for myself. Seeing my peers graduate from university and move onto bigger and better things while I’m now a dormant student who is supposed to be handing in my final assessments and graduating in a year really makes me angry. It’s gotten to a point where I’ve considered withdrawing from university before taking my own life because it’s all too overwhelming. I’ve had such an unbelievably miserable time at uni and this time a few years ago I was trying to envision a world where I’d make it through the struggles and graduate on time with everyone else. Of course it didn’t happen. Nothing ever good ever happens to me. I was too mentally weak and pathetic to hand in my assessments on time and now I’m extremely disheartened. I was so close to the finish line and I fumbled at the last hurdle.

Why does it seem like everyone else my age has everything else going for them while I’m just a total mess who can barely get their head straight? Your average 21 year old is enjoying life, having fun with friends, progressing in their education/early career, etc. Meanwhile I hardly get to talk to the only friends I do have in my life nowadays, as we’ve slowly drifted apart. There is not a single thing I have going for me and it sucks. I hate looking at others with immense envy, but that’s the only emotion I feel in my interpersonal interactions. Looks, education/career progress, ability to handle extreme mental struggles, and so on.

This day also sucks because sometimes I don’t feel like a genuine adult and struggle with the pressure to grow up. I could never go back to childhood and hated it with a passion, but my brain and my actions over the last few years suggest that I’m in limbo when it comes to where I’m at mentally with my age. It pains me to think that I’m squarely in my 20s and that I should have my feet on solid ground, but I don’t. It’s as if I’m in the water trying to come up to the surface for air but I’m inevitably going to drown. There’s also this dumb thing that I do when I look at the things that famous people have done at my age or slightly younger and how successful they were that I’m in disbelief that they were actually that young, and stupidly compare myself to them too, not just my regular peers.

21 is a grown adult, yet my mentality just doesn’t match with that. There’s still so much that I need to do and so much to learn in order to be in a similar boat to my peers, but I’m just drowning and I don’t think I can be saved. I’m taking antidepressants and am seeing a professional, but I’ve basically given up and I’m just a hollow shell that will never amount to much.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the pity party, seeing as it’s the only party I’ll be having today I just sometimes feel like venting it out here can help me cool off. I know there are probably people older than me turning their nose up at the post and thinking I’m acting like a petulant child, and that’s fair, but I’m deeply distraught and just have these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.

how are you feeling now

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