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Do you think it's reasonable to set "standards" for potential gf/bf material?

I think I'm guilty of it :frown:

I've not found anyone more special than my best friend. She totally rocks in every way and even after my best efforts, she doesn't reciprocate the feelings I have for her :frown:

I decided I should move on - finding someone else, and just be best friends with her. Thing is, after much time trying - I've found a few people, but they've never matched up to her in any way shape or form.

Is it right to set the bar that high or is it a recipe for disaster.
If anyone has some advice on how I can get around this without throwing my morals and thoughts about love and relationships out of the window, I'd be very grateful.

[EDIT] lessthanthree or another mod... could you de-kackify the quote marks in the title... I didn't realise there was an issue with " " quote marks in thread titles... sorry

Reply 1

naelse

15

nobody is ever going be her, but in time as you get over her you'll be able to stop comparing everyone to her. mind you, in some ways everyone has a model of what the perfect partner and relationship should be in their head. it's nothing to do with standards as such here though, is it? it's more that you want this particular girl. so really time will sort this out. it may just be too soon for you to start looking for someone new. your heart needs time to get over her.

Reply 2

SilverWings

14

Personally I think that there shouldn't be a "bar" to start off with... just take each person as they come, and try not to compare them to you're best friend, because there really is only one of her... Just value each person you come across as an individual and focus on what makes them who they are...

Oh, and try focusing on peoples GOOD points, rather than the bad ones... because after all, its the good things we end up loving... so yeah, hope I made SOME sense in that post... it IS ten to four in the mornin so, forgive me if Im rambling... :rolleyes:

dont compromise

OP

You see my view is that if shes (my friend) not the one, then the person that is must be better than her somehow. I dunno, this may be my brains way of finding the one for me... :rolleyes:

Reply 5

SilverWings

14

Mad Vlad

You see my view is that if shes (my friend) not the one, then the person that is must be better than her somehow. I dunno, this may be my brains way of finding the one for me... :rolleyes:

I'd say trust ur instinct about the person you meet... but I dont know how brill ur mate is... or how high above that you want... its all about how confident you are in yourself to get out there and make frienda with people, and also about what impressions you form of people in the first few days you know em...

Reply 6

annabellewalter

1

I would say you'll meet someone who is nothing like what you wanted, nowhere near this projected image of perfection and yet, strangely, you really like them. That's happened to me a number of times......you learn to love people for who they are rather than only loving certain people

Reply 7

Profesh

20

Perfection is imperfection.

Reply 8

puppy

Mad Vlad

I think I'm guilty of it :frown:

I've not found anyone more special than my best friend. She totally rocks in every way and even after my best efforts, she doesn't reciprocate the feelings I have for her :frown:

I decided I should move on - finding someone else, and just be best friends with her. Thing is, after much time trying - I've found a few people, but they've never matched up to her in any way shape or form.

Is it right to set the bar that high or is it a recipe for disaster.
If anyone has some advice on how I can get around this without throwing my morals and thoughts about love and relationships out of the window, I'd be very grateful.

[EDIT] lessthanthree or another mod... could you de-kackify the quote marks in the title... I didn't realise there was an issue with " " quote marks in thread titles... sorry

Having standards is just a way of not getting laid/not getting a bf/gf. Best not to have any I find...

Reply 9

lskdgjsj

10

puppy

Having standards is just a way of not getting laid/not getting a bf/gf. Best not to have any I find...

How very hawkish of you.

Reply 10

amo1

14

sounds like ur still hung up on this girl

Reply 11

covered farm wagon

11

In what way do you want the girl you're looking for to be 'better' than your best friend? Because it sounds a bit like you don't know, and are just looking for someone exactly like her, which isn't a good course of action because you're unlikely to find someone like that. Standards are good, but not if they're so restrictive that they eliminate everyone. As has been said already here, the people who you find yourself liking are usually the people who you never thought you would. And also, if you're still pining for your friend, then maybe it's not a good idea to look for someone new, because you'll risk hurting them.
So yes, don't throw your morals out the window. Having moral standards is a good thing. And don't actively seek a new partner if you're still hung up on your friend. If you meet someone you like, then hurrah, but looking for someone like her will only lead to badness (and not in a good way).

Reply 12

queenselphie

this isn't about having standards, or a "bar"... this is about the fact you love this girl. When you are still in love with someone, no-one else is going to see adaquate. probably something to do with chemicals in our brains or something :-s
But anyway, it'll be a while before you see someone who isn't the same, but is just as good in a different way..
also, there isnt anything wrong with having a few standards such as "if they cheat, I'll dump them" or "I want someone who has some intelligence" but it gets a bit silly just trying to find a clone of the one you love but can't have.

Reply 13

Mad Vlad

OP

19

amo1

sounds like ur still hung up on this girl

I am

I have to move on... she's found someone herself... but I don't know, I'm finding it nearly impossible to let go.

Reply 14

Tyler Durden

17

Profesh

Perfection is imperfection.

... and vice versa. :smile:

Reply 15

puppy

englishstudent

... and visa versa. :smile:

Or vice versa, as we say...

Reply 16

Adhsur

15

I've always been guilty of being too idealistic myself! But in reality, who you fall for is quite often nothing like the kind of person you dreamed up.

Reply 17

Tyler Durden

17

puppy

Or vice versa, as we say...

Ouch.

(I think it's when I got my visa for India you see...)

Reply 18

magiccarpet

2

how can there ever be a 'bar' or limit? in terms of goodlookingness, maybe thats ok,but once you know people its a whole different thing, people are individual and you cant compare them, only what they mean to you.

Reply 19

puppy

As a sensible answer to your question I think It's fair enough to set standards for gfs/bfs so long as you expect people to do the same for you. This does mean you can't reasonably expect someone funny/clever/good-looking to go out with you if you're not any of those things youself. It does often happen that people end up liking people way 'out of their league', so to speak and that can be very upsetting. That hasn't really answered your question, just something to think about.

Do you think it's reasonable to set "standards" for potential gf/bf material?

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